(16) Replay
by MissPiony
Summary: Following a serious trauma on her 18th birthday, Molly Dawes, unable to deal with reality retreats to an imaginary world and spend the next four years in a mental hospital. Now, 22 years old she has returned to the real world, remembering only fragments of what she has been through. She is back to square one - or? Chick lit in Army setting.
1. Chapter 1: A rough beginning

**_A/N: Could just as well be called "Erase and rewind"._**

**_Following a serious trauma on the night of her 18th birthday, Molly Dawes, unable to deal with reality retreats to an imaginary world and spend the next four years in a mental hospital. Now, twenty-two years old she has returned to the real world, remembering only fragments of what she has been through. She faces the challenge to figure out what she wants out of life, whilst vague memories keep haunting her. Sometimes she is not sure what has been real and not when her memories seem to mingle with the real world. _**

**_Sounds serious enough, but this is intended to be a chick lit kind of fic. The likelihood of this plot happening for real is minimal, but I hope that does not prevent it from being a good story where everything can happen as Molly is back to square one. Or, is she?_**

**_As usual, I don't own the characters but I happily kidnap them from Tony Grounds for a while._**

* * *

**_Chapter 1: A rough beginning_**

* * *

_The mind is everything. What you think you become._

_Buddha_

* * *

_Discharge summary of patient #XXX, M. Dawes_

_The now 22-year old female was admitted__ to St. James' Mental Hospital four years ago. On the evening of her 18th birthday the patient _endured a traumatic assault at the hands of her then boyfriend leaving her with various physical injuries and she remained in a coma for three weeks _. _After awaking from the coma it became apparent that the patient's way of coping was to create a fantasy world and to withdraw from reality.

_Through conversations with the patient, it appears that in this imaginary world, she enlisted with the British Army, went through basic training and further training to be a combat medical technician and was deployed to Afghanistan. She developed friendships and a romantic relationship with her commanding officer, who she normally referred to as the 'boss' or 'bossman'. Despite that the fantasy played out in a war zone she seemed to be able to cope better there for several years than facing reality. The patient shared stories that she went on several tours to Afghanistan and eventually married the captain she had fallen in love with. _

_Five months ago, the fantasy world seemed to start to fall apart; friends died, the imaginary husband soldier was injured and later unfaithful. This was interpreted as a sign that the patient was begining to let go of the imaginary world and return to the real one, a step-wise awakening. Two months later, a breakthrough was made when the patient during therapy acknowledged that she had in fact never been in the Army or been married. Gradually she has returned to and accepted her real life and been able to deal with the trauma. She now understands that she has spent the last four years in St. James' Mental Hospital and never has set foot in Afghanistan. _

_The patient is deemed fully recovered and fit for discharge_.

* * *

The weirdest thing happened to me. Actually, weird hardly covers it. On my eighteenth birthday I went out for an evening of fun, and here I find myself four years later, knowing very little of what took place in between except what people have told me and fragmented memories of events that apparently never happened.

It started as a party evening like any other with my mates Mary and Sharon, except it was a bit special because it was my eighteenth birthday. We all dolled ourselves up in my room, the one I shared with my younger sisters Jade and Bella, but today I had thrown them out so we more mature girls could have some fun. We downed our first drinks for the evening, lukewarm lagers I had nicked from dad.

When I had a last glance in the mirror I felt pretty pleased. My long platinum blonde hair fell in loose waves, my green eyes were framed by sexy smokey eyeliner and I wore the new sequin mini-skirt I had stumbled on at the nearby market. I would probably need to pull it down all evening not to show my arse, but it was worth it because it was gorgeous. Before we left, mum sneaked me some money she had hidden from dad, saying I deserved it and she wanted me to have fun. If only we had known she would not meet the real me again for years, I would have hugged her even harder than I did. I would even have hugged my tosser of a dad.

* * *

We had so much to drink, far too much and got completely pissed. We started down at the local pub where dad hang with his drunken pals as usual, then went on to a new night-club a few stations down the metro line and met up with my boyfriend, Artan. We had beers, sambuca shots, more beers, cocktails. First, I drank because I wanted to enjoy myself, celebrate _my_ day. Then I drank because I was annoyed and disappointed with Artan for flirting with another girl, and finally I drank because I was completely furious and devastated after I had walked in on my Mary giving Artan a hand job in a toilet booth. In my heart I already knew Artan was no good and if it had been any other random girl I would have kicked the door in and knocked her teeth out before kicking his balls, but the discovery that it was my best friend Mary made me retreat silently from the ladies' and return to our table. Greedily I gulp the four sambucas I happily had bought for us. It hurt, it really hurt that they had cheated on me with each other.

Minutes went by and they did not reappear from the toilet and I imagined they had moved on from hand job to full on sex, could not help imagining him pinning her to the wall. Unsteadily, I got up and left the table, left the club.

I remember vomiting outside an Army recruitment office. The eyes of the healthy-looking poster-girl soldier seemed to watch me reproachfully when I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my jumper, noticing I had some in my hair too and I thought she could just fuck off. Then Artan came running after me, wondering where I was going. I was furious with him and told him we were done, I was leaving him and there was nothing he could do about it.

"I saw you, I saw you with that slag."

"What are you on about, you're acting like you're mental."

I could barely bother to face him with what I had seen. I felt betrayed and angry, but he was not worth the effort.

"I love you Molly, you can't break up with me. You're my girlfriend."

"I've had it with you, I'm worth someone better, someone treating me better."

He flinched, and his expression became hard, but he did not give up.

"Please come to my flat and let's talk things over."

I knew that Artan probably did not know the real meaning of love and I truly was set on breaking up with him because I had had enough of him shitting on me, but I was terribly cold, drunk and nauseous and did not want to go home, so I thought I would go with him and let him beg me to reconsider. I could do with some affirmation because in that moment, my self-confidence really had hit rock bottom.

Going with him turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. I had never tried to leave him before and it turned out he did not handle rejection well. The moment he closed the door behind us, the first punch hit my face. Meanwhile I still was in shock, he furiously went at me and punched again. And again.

"You don't get to break up with me, useless girl", he hissed between gritted teeth, then brusquely gripped my hair and pulled me further into the flat. He punched and kicked me where I was lying in foetal position, whimpering. Unable to scream, too scared to scream and knowing no one would hear me anyway, or if they did it would not be an unusual sound in this neighbourhood so they would not care. Maybe I tuned out already then, passively let him have my body but closed my mind to him. It was just that I closed it to everything and everyone else too - for the next four years.

Hours probably passed, Artan having his way with me until no one would have been able to recognise me because my face was a bloody mess. I was no longer conscious when he was finished with me, pulled me to his car, drove off and left me somewhere in the street. I only know this because I have been told the forensics identified substantial amounts of my blood in his car and a kind person found me and had me brought to hospital. Artan seemed to have intended for me to die on a deserted pavement.

After a few days the police somehow managed to identify me and let my family know I was hospitalised. I was in a coma for a couple of weeks and when I finally came around I was not the Molly they knew. I had started living another life on the inside of me and the medical opinion was that I found reality too brutal and painful to face. There was nothing wrong with me physically once the wounds had healed, but I had shut reality out during the assault and no one could tell when and if it would be possible to connect with me again for real. Without being aware of it, I was submitted to a mental hospital with the hope that time and the right treatment would make me recover.

I stayed in my own world for several years and now when I have returned it seems so strange to me because I can only remember bits and pieces vaguely. I remember even less of the hospital, except towards the end when I became aware of my surroundings again. It was not like I did not see them with my eyes before, but I was not able to fully register what was in front of me. Of the vague memories I have of my fictional life, some makes me all fuzzy and warm because there was love and friendship. Others, towards the end of my mental escape, make me want to cry because there was death and betrayal. Still, it seems like the bad parts filled a purpose because that somehow made me want to leave that imaginary place and return to my real life.

During my recovery, I was allowed to read my medical records and the staff retold me some of the stories I told them over the years. It seems I have a much more vivid imagination than I ever knew. I thought I was a soldier in Her Majesty's Army, my psychiatrist thinks maybe because I needed a strong alter ego to feel safe from Artan. I thought I went to war in Afghanistan and even got married – not to a Taliban, but to a captain, mind you. Now I know none of those things were true.

So, here I find myself, a twenty-two-year-old who has lost four years of her life to something I do not even remember and do not have a clue what I will do when I leave this place today. It does not feel like home, but it feels safe compared to the world outside.

* * *

To my relief, I was told Artan is in prison for the foreseeable future. I will not have to face him when I walk the streets of Newham. I'm not sure how I would manage. I still cannot bear to think of that night even if I no longer have the need to hide inside my own nut.

Mum and Nan came to get me, and we travelled home by bus, train, followed by another bus and I felt my heart thumping in my chest, my palms get sweaty when we got closer and the streets turned into familiar sights. Some shops and restaurants had closed and been replaced by new ones but otherwise little was different at first glance.

The council estate where my family lives also looked the same on the outside, but inside things had changed over the last four years. It was apparent already when mum told me dad had not joined them to pick me up because he was at work. _At_ _work_. Dave, who had not had a steady job for as long as I could remember. He had sobered up, passed a driving test and was working for a firm delivering groceries to restaurants all over London. All of this would have been unthinkable four years ago.

Dad was there when we got home and gave me a me a long, hard hug. I can barely remember him hugging me before either. I have plenty of memories of him shouting at me and mum we were dirty skanks, but now he did not seem like a man who would do that.

"I'm not on the sickie anymore, I got myself a proper job", he proudly told me.

"And I'm working too, helping in the school", mum said.

This seemed familiar somehow and for a moment I felt confused.

"You didn't back then, did you mum?"

"No, I started two years ago."

I wondered if she had told me when I was still in dream land and it somehow got through, but I guess I will never know. There was something else I had to ask about.

"Do I have a baby brother? I mean one who's only three years or so?"

"No, are you crazy? I'm done having babies. More than enough with the ones I have and so great now when all of you are grown enough so I can have a job."

Apparently, there would not be any more babies in the Dawes' household unless Bella got knocked up. I had been so sure, remembering his lovely baby scent and tiny hands, that I felt deprived of the little toddler despite that he never had existed.

As soon as we came through the door, I noticed that the house was much tidier than it had used to be. It smelled fresher and it seemed like they had repainted the walls and changed some of the furniture. With both mum and dad now having jobs, they had been able to afford that. I stood in the small hallway, taking it all in.

"How does it feel?" mum asked.

"I don't know, strange. In one way it feels like yesterday I was here, in one way it feels like I have lived a whole different life in between – and I have in a way because it was real to me, but now I don't remember most of it."

"Were you happy Molls? In that life?"

"I think I was for a while, then all went a bit shit. I miss the good things somehow, but the bad ones made me return to you. At least that's what the psychiatrist says, so I guess I should be grateful for that."

A flash of_ someone _faceless wiping tears away from my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, then leaning his forehead to mine caused a feeling of loss to run through my body. How stupid, it was never real.

"I'm so glad you're with us again."

"Me too, mum."

I am. I'm also lost. I have quite some catching up to do and then I must figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

* * *

**_A/N: Even if I've had this in my head for some time, I really only have the beginning and a few pieces of this story, so we'll see_** **_how fast and in what direction it develops. It usually unfolds when I drive to and from work listening to music._**

**_As always - glad if you let me know what you think!_**


	2. Chapter 2: You become what you think

**_A/N: It is always exciting to publish a new story and see the response to the first chapter. Thanks. It started a bit rough, but as I said this is not intended to be a very heavy story, rather the chick lit kind. Now leaving the assault behind and moving on to Molly figuring out what to do with her life._**

* * *

**Chapter 2: You become what you think**

* * *

Next morning, I locked myself up in the bathroom and for long stared at my own mirror image. I had barely had a chance to do this during the past years. The ward had been stripped of mirrors as some of the other patients could not be trusted near anything they might use to inflict themselves or others harm, like a shattered mirror. Four years had made some lingering baby fat vanish and I looked more a woman, less a girl. I also looked healthier. The assault had meant abruptly quitting smoking for obvious reasons and naturally there had been no alcohol either at the hospital. My complexion looked clear, as did my eyes and the bags which I often had under them before were gone. I could do with some tan though, I had never been this pale. My eye colour was as green as ever, but the expression in them seemed different too, wiser. Do not ask me how this was possible after spending time in a mental hospital. I was also fitter, as I had run in the fenced yard and done push-ups and sit-ups almost daily because I was convinced I was taking part in the British Army fitness routine. I shook my head at the thought, it seemed completely mad. The only thing about me that looked exactly the same was my hair, still long and blonde because mum had dyed my roots monthly when she came visiting. It was moving that she had wanted me to look nice, but now the hair-colour felt strange to me. Somehow, I had expected to see my own natural chestnut. I do not know why.

I did not look the same. Was I the same?

When I came downstairs, the house was unusually quiet. The way I remembered it, there had always been chaos in the morning when my tired mum tried to send the younger kids off to school, while dad hung-over pissed around in briefs, cursing because he could not sleep with all the noise. Now, both mum and dad were at work, Bella worked too, and the little bleeders were already in school capable of getting there by themselves. Only Nan was home and turned off the telly when I joined her.

"A cuppa and a toast?" she asked, and I nodded, suddenly craving something else than hospital food, or Army rations as I had thought it to be.

When Nan had prepared me the toast and two mugs of steaming tea, we sat down by the kitchen table.

"I can't tell you how good it is to have you back, my girl."

She squeezed my hand and I felt tears prickle on the back of my eyelids.

"I know, Nan."

"Do you feel okay?"

"I don't feel like I'm going to break down again, if that's what you wonder, but it feels strange to be home. Not normal, like I'm out of place and don't really belong here."

She almost looked a bit hurt.

"I don't mean I don't want to be with you all, but I don't know what to do now."

I dropped a lump of sugar in my mug and stirred, tried to explain.

"The strange thing is, even if I don't remember much of what happened in my imaginary life, it is like I'm carrying the experiences with me. I feel like a different person than I was when I went out that evening and not because Artan beat the crap out of me. It's like those fantasies have changed me for real. Like I had been that soldier, had those friends and got married. Does it make any sense?"

Nan nodded.

"I may not remember the faces or names of anyone, yet it makes me feel stronger because I feel like I have been loved and appreciated for real."

"You were always loved and appreciated."

"By you and mum and the little ones, not by so many others in all fairness. Dad… you know what he was like, always made me feel useless shouting at me. Teachers hated me. One of my so called "best friends" shagged my boyfriend, who treated me like shit even before he beat me."

"Well, _I_ love you and I think you were always better than you gave yourself credit for, but I agree. I think you're very different from the girl that went into that hospital, Molls."

"Strange when I haven't done much really, just spent my time inside those walls."

"And in your mind. _The mind is everything. You become what you think_."

"That's deep. Did you come up with it all by yourself?"

Nan chuckled.

"Nah, Buddha. At least that's what someone claims on the wall of the loo down at the bingo hall.

"I thought they always said you become what you _eat_?" I grinned.

"That's true too. That's why I don't eat carrots."

"But you eat ham, and chicken nuggets. Is that any better?"

"And bickies", she took one from the tin on the table. "Can't be too picky."

It felt so good to be chatting and laughing with Nan again, at least one thing which was as it always had been.

* * *

I did not know what to do after we had finished breakfast. No one was expecting anything from me. I was not used to that and quickly got restless. I decided to go for a run but realised I did not have any trainers. The old Molly had not been much about physical activities. I would have to get a pair, but now I just went for a walk instead, to get out of the house and clear my head, think about what to do. Obviously, I had to get a job as soon as possible because it was not an alternative to stay home and not contribute with money and I did not like the thought of being idle either. The harsh truth was that even if I _felt _different, I had nothing new on my CV except being in a mental hospital for four years. No education, no exciting jobs which had developed my skills, nothing that would qualify me for any top jobs. I wondered if the nail bar I had used to work in was still there, but the thought of going back to that made me cringe. Sit on my arse all day, doing other peoples nails with the suffocating smell of nail varnish in my nostrils. I would rather die.

That evening, mum and dad sat me down in the kitchen because they had something they wanted to tell me.

"Molly, we know you don't want to think of what happened that evening, but we need to tell you this. When Artan was sentenced to prison, the verdict also stated that he was to pay you a substantial indemnity."

"You mean money? Artan never had any." I gave up a bitter laugh.

"I don't know how these things work out, but anyway you _did_ get a quite substantial amount of cash. It's in a bank account in your name and no one has been allowed to touch it."

Mum glanced at dad. We both knew that back in the days he easily would have spent any cash he got his hands on down at the pub.

"Don't look at me like that!" he said with hurt in his voice.

"Well, we just wanted you to know. The money is there and it's yours to do whatever you want with."

This meant I may not have to work for a while, but it did not matter really because I wanted to make myself useful. Plus, I felt a bit like it was blood money. _My_ blood though, so nobody could say I did not deserve it. It was good to know it was there like some kind of safety net, Molly Dawes in possession of a larger sum of cash for the first time in my life. Yet another change to get used to.

* * *

Some days later, nothing much had happened except that I had bought myself a pair of trainers and picked up on my daily exercise routine. Bella came home, found me on the floor doing sit-ups and looked at me like I was mad.

"What are you doing?"

"Exercising."

"I can see that, but _why_?"

"I like it."

She just shook her head.

"Would you like to come to the pub with me and my friends this evening?" she asked.

While I was gone, Bella had changed from a pre-mature teenager into a young woman. It pained me that I missed that, but it also made me happy to see the person she had turned into. Independent, cheeky and with a wish to move on to a better place in the world than Newham. Obviously, she was also old enough to be allowed into the pub.

"I don't know. My last visit to a bar didn't exactly end well."

"That didn't have to do with you, or even with drinking. Please don't let Artan hold you back from doing things Molls, now when you've finally returned to us."

"I know I shouldn't, but it's just… hard. I'm not used to this, real life. It will take some adjustment."

"You need some fun, you should start dating."

"Dating?" I laughed. "It feels like the last thing I need right now. I need to find out who I am on my own and I need a job. I'm so restless I don't know what to do with myself."

"But you've lived in celibacy for four years. Unless there were any hot doctors around?"

I sat up, gave her a playful push and laughed.

"No, no doctors! But I'll tell you something strange. I know it was not real and I hardly remember any of it, but from the stories I told the staff I thought I was married – and now, I still feel like I've recently come out of a serious relationship. Like I'm divorced."

"You're seriously mental."

"I know. Maybe they let me out of that place too early."

"Was he any good, your imaginary husband?"

"I don't know. I think so, it feels like I really loved him before everything fell apart."

Another flash memory. This time of _him_ on top of me, with his lips close to my ear so I cannot see his face, whispering words of love. I could feel the pressure and heat from his body, the smell of him. How can a fantasy be so real? How is it possible to miss something which never happened? I shook it off but wondered if I ever will have anything like it in real life, something miles away from the relationship I had with Artan.

"But he does not exist." Bella interrupted my thoughts.

"No. No he doesn't." I sighed.

"So, you can't spend the rest of your life missing him. Please, come tonight."

I knew she was right, I had to start living my life here and now. No point grieving a husband I never had and who anyway had ended up cheating on me.

"All right. I'll come, but I need a shower first."

I got to my feet and pulled the t-shirt over my head, resulting in an exclamation from Bella.

"Seriously! I can see your abs! Maybe I should spend some time in that hospital too."

I just grinned and headed for the shower.

* * *

Going out with Bella and enjoying myself, initially a bit wary but in the end relaxing, was one small step towards a normal life and soon I also started going around to different shops, cafes and restaurants to try to find a job. A few days later, I was offered one in an Indian restaurant. One of their waitresses had quit with short notice and I could start immediately. The owner, Mr. Kumaran, was a decent enough employer, the colleagues were okay and there was the perk of free Indian food. It was a good job because it kept me busy and I was on my feet all day which made me exhausted fall asleep in the evening instead of tossing and turning restlessly in bed. At the same time, I felt that if I did this for long I would slowly die inside. This was not what I wanted, but I still did not know what I _did_ want.

Then one afternoon, when I had a break between lunch rush and the arrival of the evening guests and had gone for a walk around the block, two things happened. First, I walked past a small second-hand book shop. In the window they had displayed a copy of a book called _Under milk wood_ by someone called Dylan Thomas. I, who always had read as few books as I could get away with and definitely never bought one before, went into that shop. I followed an impulse I bought the book.

"An excellent piece of poetry", the guy behind the counter told me.

I have no idea what possessed me to buy a poetry book, except a distant memory of me being cuddled up in a sofa with _someone_, reading together and the sound of his soft laughter and patient explanations when I got stuck on difficult words like _euphemism_ and _oxymoron_.

When I got back out on the street, the weight of the book in its plastic bag felt good somehow and I was impatiently longing to read it later when I got home. Then something happened that made me forget about the book for a while. My gaze fell on the shop window on the opposite side of the street and I stopped in my tracks and my heart started beating rapidly. It was not a regular shop window. It was the Army recruitment office I had vomited outside four years ago.


	3. Chapter 3: Off for a road trip

**Chapter 3: Off for a road trip**

* * *

I was lying in my bed, staring up at Bella's above. Even if our family's house was in better shape than it had used to be, it was as small as it always had been and all kids including me still had to sleep in bunk beds. I did not mind not having my own room though. My hospital room had been so empty and cold during those last months when I had started registering my surroundings again. If I woke up during the night and went to get a glass of water, every little noise I made had echoed spookily. Here, I heard the soft breaths and occasional snoring from Bella and Jade and the string of pink fairy lights illuminated the room and made it cosy. It felt safe here with them, I loved to be here, but tonight I could not sleep.

* * *

I think I stood staring at the Army careers office for at least ten minutes. It sent me straight back to that unfortunate evening four years ago and it would have been natural if I simply had taken to my heels to get away from being reminded of it. Instead I stood there like my feet were cast in concrete and watched the posters hanging in the window. One depicted soldiers in combat face paint marching over a dusty, desert-like plain, another was of a young woman staring boldly back at me. I was not sure if it was the same poster-girl who I had imagined looked at me with contempt or pity that night when I vomited at her feet. Funny thing was, I was more similar to her now, sober and healthy. She had no reason to turn her nose up at me any longer.

For a moment I had the crazy thought I should go inside and ask what it took to become a soldier, but I did not. I could picture how a serious man would ask me what made me interested in becoming a soldier and I would answer 'spending years in a mental institution thinking I was one' and then he would for sure lob me out quicker than lager turns to piss.

I could not walk into that place without solid motives and I could not come up with any good ones. A sudden and strong urge to serve my Queen and country? Maybe not. A wish to dress in fatigues and get muddy on daily basis? Nah. The vain hope that I would find a fraction of the life I had imagined, one with friends who had my back and a place where I belonged and perhaps could be of use? That would more likely motivate me but I doubted that was what any recruiter wanted to hear. A final option was so ridiculous that I discarded it before I finished the thought; the chance that I would find someone like _him_. Nooop, definitely not a good reason to join the armed forces.

Finally, I got out of my paralysed state and returned to the restaurant, where Mr. Kumaran looked at me with curiosity as I usually never was late.

* * *

I turned on my side in the bed, still unable to get calmness in my nut. Truth was, I knew near to nothing about the Army. What a soldier's daily job was like at barracks or what the chances (or risks) of being deployed were. I did not even know what wars we were fighting currently, having been cut off from news for so long. Was there still a war in Afghanistan, had the British troops been deployed elsewhere or had they all returned back home? It would be ridiculous to walk into that office not knowing any of those things. I should try to google tomorrow. Or maybe not. Perhaps better not to nourish this silly whim further and instead figure out something proper to do with my life. I tried hard to focus my thoughts in another direction, to think of non-army-related things I would like to do.

Suddenly the money I had in the bank came to mind and I reminded myself this opened up new possibilities. That really got my mind spinning for a while. When I finally fell asleep I had come up with two things I really would like to do. Not big, life-changing things but things I could only dream of four years ago.

* * *

I announced my plan during Saturday breakfast when most of the family was gathered for once.

"I'm going to take a driver's license."

Mum, Nan and my siblings broke out in encouraging comments, but dad fell into his old habits of negativity.

"What for? You don't have a car and you don't need one", he said.

"You don't have a car either, but the driver's license got you a job, didn't it?"

"Suppose so, but would you want that kind of job?"

"Nah, don't think so, but I want the sense of freedom. Be able to rent a car. I'm going to take a driver's license and then I plan to go for a road trip later this summer. I thought I'd bring you, Nan and Bella, if you'd like to come? My treat."

Bella gave up a little joyous squeak and Nan put on her widest grin.

"Why not me?" Dad unsurprisingly asked. He was obviously in a grumpy mood this morning.

"Because you and mum have to work and stay home with Jade, Simon and Will."

I wanted it to be a girls' only road trip, so I never would have considered dad anyway, but I would have loved to take mum. I knew this home would collapse in no time without her though, so it was not an option.

"Why a road trip?" Simon asked. "If you want to travel somewhere, why not somewhere warm?"

"I want to celebrate my driver's license by actually _driving_."

"Once you've taken it. I think Nan and Bella will have to wait until _next_ summer before you can drive them anywhere", Simon smirked.

"Oi, you cheeky little bugger! I'll show you and take it in no time at all."

I had another motive for the road trip in addition to what I told Simon. Through my teens, Nan and I used to have tea and watch _Antiques road trip _every afternoon when I came home from school. It was a TV show where some old dudes drove around to countryside villages in search of antiquities, which they first bought as cheap as they possibly could, then tried to sell at an auction to a better price. I never cared much for the antiquities, but I was always completely fascinated with those villages, a fascination shared by Nan. To me, who rarely had been outside East End and never outside London, those quaint villages seemed like a fairy tale. I found it hard to believe _that_ was England too. I had always wanted to see them with my own eyes but never thought I would. Maybe it was an odd wish for a 22-year-old but to me it seemed the perfect first time get-away from London. Next step could be a trip abroad, who knew. Nan was thrilled of course. I bet Bella would have preferred a charter, but she was grateful for any holiday trip and happily accepted the offer.

Said and done, as soon as I got my DVLA license I scheduled driving lessons and started practicing for my theory test. I would lie if I said I was a natural during the driving lessons, but I improved slowly but surely. Theory was even harder, but for the first time I studied for something I really wanted so my motivation was there and increased when I noticed I was not a hopeless case as my teachers in school had made me believe. I studied in the evenings when I got home from work and did several mock tests at the driving school. I figured if dad had managed this, I must be capable of doing it too. I do not think I ever had been so happy as when I first passed theory and shortly after, the practical driving test. I felt like I had _achieved_ something for the first time in my life and it was an intoxicating feeling of triumph. I bought two bottles of fizz and pastries and celebrated with my family that evening. Everyone, including dad, shared my happiness over this victory. For the first time since I got home I did not worry about the future, too occupied with how amazing this very moment was. Now me, Nan and Bella could plan our road trip for real.

About the same time as I decided to take my driver's licence, I made a new friend. Her name was Jackie and she worked in the shop next door to the Indian restaurant. One day we happened to step outside simultaneously, both with the intention to go for a walk during lunch break. We looked at each other, smiled and decided the other one looked friendly enough and for some reason started walking together. There was an instant kinship and I do not think we were quiet for one minute of that first walk. It was so easy talking to Jackie and when we returned after the break I already knew I had made a friend. We met up next day, same time and place and without saying anything we had initiated a routine which soon became the part of the day I was most looking forward to. After a while we started doing things together after work, go to a café, go for a jog, hanging out in each other's home. From day one I knew she was a _real_ friend, not the kind who would stab you in the back if you turned it to her.

* * *

I managed to convince Mr. Kumaran to give me one and a half week's leave end of July and Nan and I began to plan the details of our road trip. We picked out a few villages which had been favourites on _Antiques road trip_, added some botanical gardens and Bath because Nan had always wanted to go there for some reason and planned to finish with a few days on the beach in Weston-Super-Mare, so Bella and I hopefully could get some much longed-for tan.

"It sounds like you'll have a blast", Jackie said when I told her during one of our walks.

"You don't think we're crazy to drive around to those villages? When I googled Tetbury I got a hit saying '5 things to do with your ageing parents'. I got a bit hesitant then."

"But you're going with your Nan, aren't you? And you've never been out of London before so it's about time you see a bit of England. I'm sure you'll have a great time. I wish I was going too."

"Why aren't you then? There's room in the car, so you could come with us. It would be so much fun, please Jackie, come."

She told me she had to think about it but texted me already the same evening, saying she had asked her boss for leave and he said yes, so she was up for it if we really wanted her to join. I told her that was a definitive yes.

So, it happened that in late July, four girls of various ages but equally giddy with expectation, packed ourselves and our luggage into the red MINI Cooper I proudly had rented for us. In hindsight maybe not the best choice of holiday vehicle as it was not very spacious, but it was so cute that I could not resist it. I could barely believe I had a driver's license and was allowed to rent a car _and_ could afford that and going on holiday, but this was not a fantasy, it was really happening and it was bloody fantastic.

First, we headed East in direction of Essex where the antiquities show once had visited Battlesbridge. When Nan and I had planned the itinerary, I had objected that it was situated in the wrong direction compared to the other places we wanted to visit. Nan insisted it had been such a particularly nice episode of _Antiques road trip_ and she would also like to see the nearby RHS Garden Hyde Hall. I could hear the longing in her voice, she had obviously pictured the whole thing already, so in the end I agreed even if I was sure we could have done without it. Anyway, I did not mind driving a longer distance to celebrate the freedom my driver's licence entailed.

Going from London to the gardens took us just over an hour. It was a challenge for an inexperienced driver like me to get out of the city and there were a few nerve wrecking situations when we all held our breaths, but once we were on the A130 driving was easy enough and I started to relax. We turned up the radio and sang along to eighties' hits and before we knew it, we had arrived. The garden area was beautiful with all the different flowers and trees and Nan was over the moon. As the true city girls Bella and I are, we found all that vegetation a bit unsettling, not to mention all the bees and other insects that were hovering over the flowers. For a while I was worried I would get lost among the high hedges too, but we had to admit it was a proper nice place.

After lunch, we continued to Battlesbridge Antiques Centre, which was a bit overwhelming as more than eighty dealers were gathered in the area. None of us were serious about buying antiques, but we wanted to feel the atmosphere and maybe look out for some small things. Nan bought a necklace to what she thought was a bargain price and was happy as a lark. In the late afternoon we continued to Southend-on-Sea where we had reservations at a small hotel for the night. For everyone but Jackie, it was the first time staying in a hotel, so that was an adventure in itself. I loved coming into a tidy room where the bed was made up, with a small piece of chocolate and a welcome note on the pillow and there were mini-bottles of shampoo and lotion in the bathroom which one was allowed to use. I threw myself on the bed in the room Jackie and I shared and knew that even if the rest of the trip was a disaster, it was already a complete success to me.

The hotel receptionist recommended us to have dinner at a nearby Italian family restaurant, so after freshening up we headed there. It was a cosy place not far from the water and even if the receptionist had not told us, it would have been apparent that it was run by a family because with all the framed photos on the walls if felt more like entering their home than a restaurant.

A man in his fifties welcomed us and showed us to a table, while introducing himself as Mr. Harte. He told us he owned the restaurant together with his wife who was to be found in the kitchen. We were there quite early and the restaurant was far from full yet, but filled up with guests as the evening went on and we could see it was a popular place. Two of the daughters were waitresses and the one named Chiara took care of us and kindly helped us chose the best dishes on the menu. Everything we ordered turned out absolutely delicious, from the home-cooked pasta and risotto to the tiramisu. It appeared Mrs. Harte knew what she was doing out in the kitchen.

"Does the whole family work in the restaurant?" Nan asked Chiara as we were finishing our deserts.

"Almost. One of my brothers owns a gelateria, an ice cream bar with home-made Italian ice cream a bit further down the street. I suspect you won't have room for any gelato tonight after mama's tiramisu, but you should try it tomorrow. Then I have another brother who's in the Army."

I was listening already, but now I was suddenly _all_ ears. Despite that this trip was a way to distract myself from thinking of the Army, my curiosity was instantly raised.

"What does he do?"

"He's in Special Forces so he's never allowed to tell us much about what he does. Mum always says he's travelling around the world killing people, but _he_ claims he's travelling around the world getting rid of the bad guys and maintaining peace", she smiled. "And I think mum is proud of him even if she wishes he would settle with a girl here in Southend. I don't think we'll ever see that day."

"So, he likes his job?"

"Yeah, Elvis _loves_ his job. I think he would find it hard to do anything else, he would get restless and feel caged. He's a bit of a rogue but with his heart in the right place. There are some photos of him over there." She nodded towards the opposite wall before she left for the kitchen carrying our empty plates.

I did not jump to my feet immediately because I did not want to seem overly curious, but after a while I went to take a look. There were several photos of a very good-looking guy with Mediterranean features, dark hair and brown eyes like the rest of his family. Sometimes smiling, sometimes looking very strictly military. In some photos he was dressed in combats, in others he wore a _very_ flattering navy-blue uniform. The strange thing was, that even if I never had seen him before he seemed familiar to me. He probably resembled some celebrity because he could for sure had been a model or a movie star with that face. Some photos were of him alone, some was together with fellow soldiers and I noticed how even the motionless pictures seemed to exude camaraderie. There was especially one where he was laughing heartily together with another dark-haired soldier. The other one appeared to be doubled over because his stomach hurt from laughter, so his face was hidden from the camera, but I could almost hear them, and it made me smile. I had always imagined that soldiers were stern-faced men with guns, so seeing these pictures of them obviously allowed to joke around and have relaxed fun was something of a revelation to me.

Chiara appeared beside me and smiled when she saw what photo I was looking at.

"He always says we should take that one down, because it will destroy the reputation of Officers of Her Majesty's Army as being awe-inspiring and stern if people see them laughing like that in uniform."

"So, he's an officer then?"

"Yeah, both him and his best friend who's with him in that picture."

She left me again, but I kept staring with fascination. I liked Elvis and the life he seemed to live with his fellow soldiers and found it difficult to tear away.

"See anything you like?"

Bella had come to stand next to me.

"A super-fit good-looking Italian in the company of some equally fit squaddies, what's not to like?" I giggled.

Her eyes fell on Elvis and she could only agree.

"I hope you don't get any ideas, Molls."

"About what?"

"Joining the Army for real."

"Nah. Anyway, they would probably never accept a nutter like me."

I lied to my sister when I said I was not tempted. I could not help it, the soldiers' smiling faces and apparent kinship and Chiara's words about how much her brother loved his job, had raised my curiosity about the Army to new levels and it was all I could think of as I went to bed that night. Hopefully, I would forget it all before the end of this road trip, like any sensible girl would.

* * *

**_A/N: Apologies for any errors or inconsistencies when it comes to the places they visit during the road trip. As I live in Sweden and have not been to England for a very long time, I have to rely on the excellent google and my imagination. I tried to find places that were known for their antiquities, so it was likely they had been in the TV show plus were located in such a way that it suits the plot I have in mind, e.g. coming across Elvis' family in Essex. If any of the places are unpleasant and unlikely for tourists to visit you simply have to imagine them nicer. _**

**_As always, thanks for your reviews!_**

**_X_**


	4. Chapter 4: The stranger in the garden

**Chapter 4: The stranger in the garden**

* * *

Next morning, Jackie and I went for an early run along the waterline and out on the pier, which the hotel receptionist proudly had informed us was the longest leisure pier in the world. When we finally reached the end of it, we paused and just took in the scenery for a while before returning to the shore. The water was glimmering in the morning sunshine and promised another beautiful day.

"I'm so glad I came with you", Jackie breathlessly told me.

"_I'm_ so glad I got to know you. Working in an Indian restaurant is not my dream job, but it's definitely worth it to get to know a mate like you."

"Thanks, Molls. I feel the same."

She put her arm around my shoulder in half a hug and had we been lovers instead of friends, it would have been a proper romantic moment.

"Aaaaw! Now you make me all tearful and embarrassed", I giggled.

"We can't have that, so let's change subject quickly", Jackie grinned back. "What's your dream job then? If not working for Mr. Kumaran serving naans and aloo gobi?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to figure out but it's so freakin' difficult."

Jackie and I had talked about so many things, but I had not shared with her the details of why I stayed hospitalised. She knows I was in a hospital and how I got there, but not what was going on inside my mind those years. Partly because I know so little myself that there is not much to share, partly because I'm embarrassed about the bits I do know.

"What about you? Do you want to keep working in the shop, or do you have other ideas?" I asked in return. So far, we had only gossiped about our current jobs and colleagues, but I realised I knew nothing about Jackie's aspirations. Maybe she had some good ideas which could inspire me to think of something else than the Army.

"Oh, shit!"

It literally was. Before she had a chance to answer my question, a seagull interrupted her by pooping on her shoulder. It was not a small delivery and she looked comically so devasted that I could not stop myself from laughing.

"For fucks sake, it's not funny!" She burst into laughter too, contradicting her own words. "It probably thought my hair looked like a nest, I should have taken more care combing it this morning."

"Your hair looks perfectly fine, it was just a very mean seagull. That's probably the largest bird poop I've ever seen."

"Eeek, disgusting! I need to head back, to get rid of this."

We resumed our jog and headed back to the hotel for a shower and change and postponed any further career discussions for some other time.

* * *

Before we continued our trip from Southend, we spent a few hours at the funfair which was located by the water. Bella and I had never been to one because it was not the kind of treat our parents could afford when we were kids, so now we took the opportunity to behave just like kids. Jackie and Nan had been before but were as happy as us to be there and we spent hours riding carousels, playing games, eating cotton candy and popcorn, screaming riding the roller coaster and laughing so much our stomachs hurt. We finished off with Italian ice cream at the Harte brother's ice cream bar and were all high on sugar and fun when we finally got into the car and continued our journey.

Our next planned stop was Hungerford, which meant driving back direction West again. In the end, I was glad Nan had convinced me we should do the detour to Essex though, as it had been such a tremendous success. In Hungerford, we had made reservations at a B&B and when we drove into what the tourist guide described as a _traditional English market town _(though I obviously had no clue what such a town was supposed to look like), the first thing we did was to localise the B&B.

It was a small, very cute B&B which maximum could accommodate four couples. Nan and Bella shared one room, Jackie and I another and we were told the place was fully booked. One of the owners, Mr. Dursley, welcomed us and showed us the rooms, the pretty, well-kept garden and the dining room.

"Actually, we offer dinner not only breakfast, if you like. Mrs. Dursley is known to be a far better chef than Mike down at the pub, which is the other nearby dinner option", he told us.

We immediately decided we would go for Mrs. Dursley's home cooked meal and asked Mr. Dursley to count us in. After checking in we took a turn through the town where shops already were closing for the day, but we were anyway happy just strolling and taking in the atmosphere. By the time we got back, dinner was already being served.

It seemed like the two other couples had opted for Mrs. Dursley's cooking too. One room was occupied by two elderly sisters on antiquities hunt, inspired by the same source as us and they eagerly told us about all the bargains they had made. The other couple seemed to want to keep themselves. When we entered the dining room they were already seated, and I only had a view of her. She was very beautiful but looked unapproachable in a haughty kind of way and did not acknowledge us with as much as a nod. He was seated with his back turned to us but judging from that view, he matched her appearance. Even sitting down, it was obvious he was very tall, with broad shoulders and his back straight like he had a stick up his arse. He had thick, dark hair and a handsome neck. Stupid thing to notice but there was something about how his hair curled at the nape of his neck which I really liked.

We had fun observing them and eaves-dropping to them during the dinner. He was making serious efforts at conversation and she was giving him the ice-cold treatment. I do not think she smiled once, she hardly said anything and when he tried to take her hand she retracted it and finally spoke but did not have anything kind to say.

"I don't understand what possessed you to think I would appreciate a B&B weekend in some godforsaken little town. It's so not my style and you ought to know that", she whined.

"I thought it might be nice to do something different, just the two of us without so much else around."

His posh voice sounded apologetic and annoyed in equal measures. I got the feeling that under the surface he was angry rather than sorry because she was being an ungrateful little bitch.

"You're right there's _nothing _here, nothing to see, noting to do, not even a decent meal."

She looked down on her plate with disgust which was quite unfair because Mrs. Dursley's cooking was probably the second best I ever had tasted, second to Mrs. Harte's only.

"You were completely mistaken I would appreciate it", the woman continued.

"I suppose I don't know you as well as I thought I did."

His tone was now even colder than hers and he made no further efforts to keep the conversation going. They spent the rest of the meal in silence, her mouth pursed in a straight angry line. I thought of how ungrateful she seemed. The nice man had attempted for them to spend some quality time together and she did not care at all. This place which was special and marvellous to us, was nothing to her but she was probably used to much finer establishments. Of course, the explanation could be that he was a boring twit, but somehow I doubted that.

"OMG, he's really getting the silent treatment." Jackie whispered to me.

"Yeah, poor sod. She's horrible."

"Trophy kind of beautiful and probably good in bed, though. Why would he otherwise be with her? It must be like living with a lemon."

"Judging by how things are going he won't get lucky tonight though, so it won't do him any good if she's a fantastic shag."

We giggled which rendered us an evil eye from the woman, which we ignored and turned our attention back to Nan, Bella and the desert Mr. Dursley just brought us. When I looked up again a few minutes later, they had already left the table.

* * *

After dinner, we returned to our rooms and had a look at the map to go over next day's itinerary. Then the others settled for reading but it was such a lovely, warm summer evening and I felt a bit restless. I was not in the mood to stay in.

"You don't fancy a walk, Jackie?"

"Nah, I'm knackered. I'll just read for a bit."

"I think I'll go outside, maybe sit in the garden."

"It will be dark now", Jackie pointed out.

"I know, but it will be nice to sit there for a while anyway."

Jackie had been right, coming out from the illuminated house, the garden seemed pitch black in contrast before my eyes had a chance to adapt. I remembered from earlier in the day that there was a bench at the end of the gravel path, so I carefully fumbled towards that and when I touched it sat down with a content sigh. I leaned back and deeply inhaled the rich, pleasant smell of summer evening garden, so different to the London air. Then someone cleared his throat next to me and I nearly jumped out of my skin and let out a scream.

"Bloody hell! You scared the shit out of me!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to let you know I'm here."

"You didn't think to say when I approached? What if I had sat down on your lap? Would have caused me a heart attack!"

I heard him laugh softly and even if I still was annoyed, I liked the sound.

"That might have been fun. Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was a person or a badger or something in the darkness."

"A badger?! Do you think there are badgers here?"

Instinctively I put my feet up on the bench. Wild animals are scary.

"Nah, not really."

We stayed silent for a while. I assumed it must be Mr. Handsome Neck as he was the only other male around here beside Mr. Dursley. I wondered what he had done with his nasty girlfriend. It was a bit frustrating that I did not get to see his face now either because I was really, really curious about him.

"So, are you enjoying your stay here?"

He asked, finally braking the silence.

"I LOVE it!"

I realised I may sound overly enthusiastic, so I felt I had to explain and just rambled on.

"I recently passed my driver's license, which meant a great deal to me because I never thought I would and then I decided to go for a road trip and rented a car, a MINI which maybe wasn't the brightest idea because there's nearly no space for our bags, but it was just so cute I couldn't chose any other car, and I brought my Nan and sister and Jackie and it's literally the first time I'm outside London, so everything's new and different to me, I've never been to little a village like this before and it's exactly like in _Antiques_ _road_ _trip_, and I haven't stayed in a hotel or B&B or been to a funfair and now I'm doing all of those things and it's pretty amazing even if I have to watch out for badgers. So yes, I love it."

I gasped for air and realised I was talking too much, but I thought I could feel him smile beside me.

"I wish I was like that."

"Like what? Talking too much to strangers?"

"Like I felt that everything is a new and wonderful experience. I don't feel like that about anything."

"Not about _anything_?"

"No, not for long. Much of the time I feel sort of... numb."

"It sounds horrible."

"Yeah, it _is_ pretty horrible."

I felt so sorry for him that I almost did not know what to say. I wanted to make him feel happier.

"Maybe you need to change something in your life?"

"Maybe I do. Don't know what or how though."

"Isn't there anything you _like_? That means something to you?"

I hoped he would not answer his model girlfriend and he did not.

"My son, obviously, and my job. I used to love my job, now I'm not sure about that either."

Shit, they had a son, which probably meant they were married. It must be awful to have such a bad relationship when you have kids together because then there is no escape, not even if you get divorced.

"What do you do then?"

"I'm in the Army."

"You're kidding me?"

"No, why?"

"No special reason."

It would be complicated to explain my history and that it seems like Army people seem to pop up wherever I go. Now was the second time in two days and I started to feel like the Army was chasing me, trying to pull me in.

"What did you like about it, your job?"

"The freedom, I suppose. The lifestyle living out of a Bergan and that I had so many good friends."

Naturally he would appreciate the freedom with such a girlfriend/wife waiting at home.

"What changed?"

"I got injured and I'm still in rehab, so right now I'm assigned to a desk job. It isn't my kind of bag."

"But if it was like it used to be, would you enjoy it still?"

"I think so, yes." He sighed.

"At least you have a career. I don't have a clue about what to do with my life."

"How old are you? If you don't mind me asking the age of a lady."

Lady, kiss my arse, but I liked he was being all polite.

"Twenty-two."

He laughed softly again, like my age was funny to him.

"Then you still have plenty of time to decide."

Really? I had mostly focused on that I had lost four years, not on that there were many yet to come but he had a point there.

We sat in silence for a while and I was just thinking that maybe I should leave him alone when he spoke again. I guess there is something about not seeing someone's face that makes people prone to admit things they otherwise would not. That seems to be the whole point of a confession booth, those priests would probably not get to hear about half of all the juicy sins they do if people had to look them in the eyes while telling them. Now he surprised me with a very personal question.

"How do you know when you shouldn't be with someone anymore? How do you know if it's all wrong and you should give up trying? If you're with the wrong person?"

He sounded sad and desperate and I would have liked to give him a hug. Obviously, I did nothing of the sort.

It had only taken thirty minutes' objective observation and a person with half a brain to figure out he was with the wrong person, but it felt a bit brutal to tell him. Plus, he probably needed to figure out for himself.

"I don't have that much experience when it comes to relationships, but don't you think it's about knowing when someone is _right_? Knowing she's the _one_ person you want to be with? Do you feel like that? No need to tell me, but you need to know yourself, don't you?"

"I suppose I do."

I was not sure if he meant to say that he _did_ know, or that he needed to figure out, but I did not ask as it really was not my business even if I was curious like hell.

We sat there in companionable silence for a while, an odd duo in the dark. Me and this man who I just by the back of him and his posh accent could tell came from a completely different background than me. Yet I felt some sort of strange bond to him, most likely one-sided. Suddenly it struck me I might be intruding on much needed alone-time here on the bench and decided it was time to leave.

"I should get back inside."

"Oh."

Was it possible that he sounded disappointed? Probably only wishful thinking from my end.

"Good luck figuring everything out."

"Thanks. It was good talking to you. I hope you have a great road trip."

I started walking away, then turned around to his black silhouette.

"I'm Molly by the way."

"Charles."

I tried to hold back a snort, but he heard it.

"Are you laughing at my name?"

"Absolutely not", I giggled.

"Good, because it's a perfectly normal name."

I could hear he was smiling, no offence taken.

"It was a pleasure talking to you Molly, even if you're laughing at my name."

I giggled again.

"What's funny now?"

"I don't think anyone ever has told me it was a _pleasure_ talking to me."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Bye then, Charles." I found myself reluctant to leave but had no excuse to linger further.

"Bye, Molly."

He seemed so nice, I really wished he would leave that snobbish bitch and find his happy ever after.

* * *

Waking up next morning, I hoped I would run into him at breakfast so I finally would get to see his elusive face, but neither him nor the girlfriend/wife were there and Mr. Dursley told us some of the guests had departed early. I felt oddly disappointed and wondered if I even would recognise him if our paths ever crossed again.


	5. Chapter 5: An old love and sightseeing

**_A/N: I'm not sure but there might have been some issue with the alert for the previous chapter, so if you think you only have read three you should flip back before reading this one._**

**_So, a certain someone has made an appearance, but they have not really met. Let's hope they meet again… _**

**_Thanks for your kind reviews as always. I'm glad it seems I did not completely mess it up with my google geography._**

**_x_**

* * *

**Chapter 5: An old love and sightseeing**

* * *

I had not fully understood how come Nan had been so insistent that Bath should be included as a destination on our road trip, but on our way there Bella managed to get her to admit that an old fling of hers had moved there ages ago.

"What? Was this before or after granddad?"

"Before , you prannet. During and after there was never anyone else."

"So, you must have met him when you were really young?"

"Just a little younger than you, Bella."

It was difficult to imagine Nan our age, but of course she had been once upon a time.

"What happened?"

"He was my boyfriend and we were madly in love, but then his family decided to move to Bath and we split up. It wasn't as easy to stay in touch those days as it is now, especially if one didn't have any cash."

"In the beginning of the twentieth century?"

""Oi! I'm younger than that!" This was in the seventies."

"Do you have any idea what happened to him?"

Nan stayed quiet for a long while and when I glanced at her I could see she was blushing.

"Nan?"

"Well, for a long time I didn't. I met your granddad and we had kids and got married and all that, so I didn't think of Bill, but then I became a widow and suddenly there was Facebook and one day I got a message from Bill."

"What? You've actually been in touch?"

"Yeah…"

"Does he know you're coming?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you going to meet up?"

"Yeah…"

"So, you have like a date?"

"I suppose I do. Enough with questions now! I feel like I'm being interrogated by the police."

The tinge of red on Nan's cheeks had deepened.

"You cheeky old mare!" Bella exclaimed.

"Nan, this is great! Why didn't you tell us before?"

"I wasn't sure how you'd react, what with granddad and all."

"It's more than ten years since he passed away. Of course, you should date! When are you meeting him?"

"We planned to meet up tomorrow, if you don't mind?

"Not as long as we get to hear all the juicy gossip afterwards", I smirked.

"We'll see about that", she grinned, promising nothing.

"So, what should the rest of us do when Nan meets up with her loverboy?" Bella asked, ignoring that Nan rolled her eyes. "That's obviously the whole purpose of going to Bath, but _we_ need to do something else."

"We could visit the tourist office and see what they suggest", Jackie proposed.

That was how Jackie, Bella and I found ourselves in the tourist office next morning, after spending the night in at another lovely B&B. Nan had stayed there, saying she wanted to take it easy and have some time to make herself look nice before her date. I could see she was all nervous and found it endearing. Apparently, it is never too late to be nervous about a date. We had made her show us Bill on Facebook the evening before, so we knew who she was meeting, and he seemed to be a nice bloke rather than a lunatic luring her off somewhere. He was widowed too, with loads of kids and grandkids judging from his pictures.

In the tourist office, we flipped through some leaflets about the city and the Roman baths and considered having a swim at the Thermae Bath spa which looked really nice in the photos. We were the only tourists in there at this hour and soon caught the attention of the idle staff. A woman approached us offering her help.

"The baths are nice, but they're always there so you could go any day. You're really lucky because today I have a very special offer, one which appears only rarely. Have you heard of _Royal Crescent_?"

"Errm, no?"

She pulled out a book that seemed to be about this _Royal Crescent_ and showed a large photo of a very posh street, royal-looking indeed. Naturally in the shape of a crescent.

"This street is one of the gems of Bath and you can't visit Bath without seeing it. However, today there's a special opportunity, because on rare occasions the owners to one of the houses open their home for an exclusive guided tour."

It was clear that she expected an awed reaction and maybe some applause, but we were slightly hesitant.

"You mean we would get to walk around _inside_ their home?"

Jackie and I exchanged glances, both thinking this seemed like a weird tourist attraction. I fleetingly wondered if mum and dad could start selling tickets to show people what a typical Newham home looked like. That might be unknown to the general public too, but maybe not as appealing to visit as a posh home in Bath.

"Yes, exactly! You would get to see the _interior_ behind the facade and I can tell you it's an amazing experience. I have visited a few of the houses and even if the exteriors all are exactly the same, they're all different inside because the first owners could decide how the house would be designed behind the identical facades."

I think all three of us felt that a day at the spa was more tempting than visiting some old dusty house, but she was so enthusiastic over this rare opportunity that in the end we bought entrance tickets despite that we were far from eager to go.

"What happened there?" Jackie laughed perplexed when we stood outside the tourist office again.

"Not sure, she cleverly manipulated us to buy those tickets somehow. She's _good_ at her job!"

"We don't have to go…" Bella suggested.

"No, but now when we've paid for the tickets it seems like a bit of a waste not to. We could have a quick look and then go to the spa. How about that?"

The tour was to start only half an hour later and we were a group of fifteen people who would get an exclusive look inside _Royal Crescent_ no. 4. We were definitely the youngest participants and it felt like we got caught in an activity suitable for Nan _without_ her her presence as a good excuse for us being there. Our guides seemed to be the proud owners themselves, a Mr. and Mrs. James.

We stepped through the impressive front door, into a hallway which was the size of the entire first floor in mum's and dad's house and where an even more impressive staircase spiralled its way many floors above our heads. I was already amazed. Did people really _live_ like this in real life if they were not royals?

Mr. James led us into a big living room and started telling us about the houses of _Royal Crescent_.

"The façade of the houses was designed by the architect John Wood, the younger and built between 1767 and 1774 and it is among the greatest examples of Georgian architecture…"

I zooned out from his well-prepared speech and took in the beautiful room instead. The tall windows, the stylish mix of new and antique furniture. There were quite a few pieces that the guys in Antiques road show would have gawped at. I liked the house because in all its grandeur it still managed to feel homily, which was probably thanks to Mrs. James who appeared to be a really sweet lady and I instantly liked her. She was a small, bird-like woman with dark hair and kind brown eyes, looking tiny beside her giant of a husband. Yet I had a feeling that she was the one in charge here.

I did not mean not to listen to Mr. James, but there were other things on my mind in this ancient house. I like history, sort of. Not the history about battles or buildings, but I like to imagine the _people_ who have lived in places. Like in this house, so many persons must have passed through since 1767. What did they look like, what did they eat, do, think? What did they grieve, who did they love?

Almost unconsciously I had moved away from the rest of the group towards the mantelpiece where numerous framed photos were displayed, thinking I could at least have a look at the current family. As I stood there looking, someone spoke beside me.

"You're not interested in the history of the house?"

It was Mrs. James and I felt totally busted.

"Oh, sorry. I am in a way, but more in who has lived here than in the building itself. To me that seems like the _real_ history. Has it always been in your family?"

She smiled warmly and did not seem to mind I went outside Mr. James' rehearsed script.

"You know what, that's what I find most intriguing too. My husband's family has owned it from start and it has always been inherited by the eldest son. Nowadays it could of course go to the eldest daughter too, but in our case our eldest child is a son so that's how it will be one day."

As she spoke, she touched one of the frames and I took a closer look at the photo. It was of a young man, probably my age when the photo was taken. He was all dressed in white, looking like he was off to some sport. Tennis? Cricket? Not sure which of those upper-class sports one dresses in white for, but anyway he looked absolutely gorgeous. He had dark hair and brown eyes like his mum and was smiling at the photographer who had caught him in the move just as he raked his fingers through his wavy dark locks. It was just a photo, yet my heart skipped a beat before it decided to continue with double speed instead.

"He's so young here", she said with a touch of sadness in her voice. "And innocent. Sometimes I think we'll be lucky if he'll live to inherit this house."

"Why?" I asked without being able to break eye contact with him, which was ridiculous. From her comment it was obvious he was older now and he was probably middle-aged, fat and bald with a wife and three kids.

"He's in the Army, he's an officer. Even if we're proud of him, it's not a job without risks and he has already been injured in the past. Yet he won't let go because honestly, I think the Army is the love of his life."

The Army, again. Now it really seemed to me I was being haunted or harassed, or whatever one might call it when an abstract thing kept popping up like that on repeat. All these people_ loving_ to work for the Army. Was someone trying to send me a message that _I_ would love it too, if I gave it a chance?

"I wish he would consider resigning for Sam's sake at least", she sighed.

"Sam?"

"My grandson, his son."

She pointed at another photo of an adorable boy, maybe ten years old, with his dad's and grandmother's dark hair and brown eyes.

"No wedding photo?" I had not meant to say that out loud, but I _was_ curious. She just giggled mischievously.

"No. Don't tell anyone but I never liked her particularly, so I keep it upstairs where I don't have to see it as often."

Oh, how I liked Mrs. James.

So, he had a son, was married and judging by the son's age a fair bit older than me. If it had not been ridiculous to have a crush on a photo already, it certainly was given _this_ information. I just wished there had been another photo of a bald fat version of him to put my mind at rest, but there were no other. It seemed like they had so many children and grandchildren that there only was room for one photo of each on this mantelpiece.

When his brown eyes met mine, it was like they were speaking to me and I was strangely drawn to him. Like we had a common history. It was bit like with that Elvis-bloke, like I had met him before, but in this case the feeling was even stronger. Maybe he resembled a celebrity too, or there was clearly something wrong with me.

"I never fully understood why he was so determined to join the Army, because he has so many other sides to him than what you expect from an officer. So much humour, so much feelings, but he has become very good at hiding that. Too good, if you ask me. Sometimes I don't know if he's happy or unhappy and I'm supposed to be his mother. _I_ should know."

It broke my heart a little bit that this smiling young man would have turned into a stern-faced officer, but I suspected it broke hers more.

We moved on in the house, up and down the impressive staircase, in and out of beautiful rooms but it seemed like other photos were kept in rooms they held private, so I saw nothing more of _him_. Yet, he was on my mind throughout the tour. I picturee him as a child sliding down the bannister and playing hide and seek in the many rooms with his siblings. I had been reluctant to go visit this house, but I was more reluctant to leave. Even if it was an illusion, I felt close to him there, a man I never had met and who was already taken. I knew it made absolutely no sense, but it was difficult to shake the feeling off.

Leaving the house and changing environment to the spa helped though and after a few hours in hot water and an amazing massage, I was completely knackered, and my head felt as if filled with fluffy cotton. In the evening Nan returned, giddy and obviously smitten with Bill after a very successful date. Bashfully, she asked if we would mind leaving her behind in Bath, so she could stay and get even better re-acquainted with Bill. He had invited her to come and stay in his guest-room for a few days. I'm not sure how much time Nan actually would be spending in the _guest_ bed, but of course we could not deny her the opportunity of a romantic adventure. After that dose of gossip, I easily fell asleep without any further silly thoughts of the son of Mr. and Mrs. James.

With nan out of the game, Bella, Jackie and I quickly decided to skip Tetbury and the _'5 things to do with ageing parents'_. We would head directly towards Weston-Super-Mare and spend the rest of the holiday on the beach working on our tan. We would pick up Nan on the way back, hoping she still would fancy Bill after a few days in his company.

We were lucky, because we had unusually beautiful weather for a Brit summer these July weeks and after a few days we all sported a healthy bronzed colour, my pale complexion from the hospitalisation gone.

The last day on the beach, Bella was flirting with some bloke over an ice cream and Jackie and I sat in the sand by the waterline, dipping our feet in the water and chatting.

"Molls, when we were in Southend, you asked me if I had any plans for the future, besides working in the shop."

"Yeah?"

"I do actually, there's something I've been thinking about for quite some time and I've decided to go for it this autumn."

"What is it then? Don't keep me in suspense."

"You're probably going to think I'm crazy, but I want to enlist for the Army."

My jaw dropped, and I just stared at her. This trip was supposed to divert my mind from from the Army, get away from everything, relax and hopefully make me come up with other, sane, options for my future. Instead, _everywhere_ we went someone was talking about the Army; wished to stay in, wished to join. Now my best friend too.

"Say something, what do you think? Am I mad?"

"I think you're completely mad… but I also think I might gonna have to join you."

* * *

**_A/N: Someone asked in a review if it is likely that Molly would be allowed to join the army after she had been in a mental hospital. Fair question and honestly I doubt it, but for the benefit of this story let's just pretend that she would because it's much more fun. We can call it creative freedom or whatever. I said already in the outset that this may not be the most believable story, but hopefully enjoyable anyway._**


	6. Chapter 6: Selection

**Chapter 6: Selection**

* * *

"Jackie, my arms are gonna break! Tell me again why the bloody hell we're doing this?"

Jackie was too busy performing her best in the _Jerrycan_ _carry_ _test_ to waste her breath on me, so I just steeled myself and kept on carrying. One hundred and fifty fucking meters until I swear my arms had elongated 10 inches. I was determined I would make it - and I did.

* * *

About a month earlier, as soon as we returned from the holiday trip, Jackie and I had initiated the Army application process. It would be an understatement to say Jackie had been thrilled when I told her I wanted to join her enlisting. Sitting on that sandy beach in Weston-Super-Mare, I told her _everything_. Everything I remembered or had been told by the hospital staff or read in my medical records from those years. The forgotten illusion I had lived in, which seemed to linger somehow, making me feel more experienced than I actually was and making me feel like I was recovering after a long serious relationship. I told her about the pull the Army seemed to have on me.

"That's seriously fucked up."

"I know, maybe I shouldn't even consider enlisting."

"No, not that. Joining the Army is an excellent idea! I meant that you feel like you're divorced when you never had a husband. That's like _not _having the cake and _not_ eating it either. We need to find you a rebound!"

"How can it be a rebound when I don't have anyone to recover from?"

"Don't mark my words. You need to get laid and do you know where there are loads of men? The Army!"

"I'm not gonna shag my way through the Army", I laughed.

"One private is enough to please me. That's all I want for you, Molls."

I just shook my head, relationships or even flirting were not on my mind right now. Sometimes I thought of Charles in the B&B garden, but only because I wondered how things had worked out for him.

Since Jackie had thought seriously of joining the Army for a long time, she knew much more about the process than I did.

"First we should complete a profile online on the Army website."

"What? Like one of those dating sites?"

"Pretty much. We tell the Army about us and then we wait and see if they like us even though I don't think it entails any swiping*. But why don't you complete a profile on Match or Tinder too while you're at it?"

"I thought we had established there will be plenty of men in the Army?"

"I thought you said you weren't interested in squaddies?"

"Not interested in _anyone_ \- period. I want to focus on the application now."

"Okay, okay, if you insist on being boring, but I won't give up, I'll have you dating or at least shagging sooner or later."

The first steps of the online profile were easy enough to complete but then there was the medical questionnaire and I suddenly felt a little apprehensive. Not only was I to tell everything relevant about my current health status but also my medical history.

"What if they won't have me Jackie? Because I've been in a mental hospital?"

"But you're well now, aren't you?"

"Yes, but what if they think there's a risk I may go mad again? I guess they don't want to risk a lunatic waving around with a gun."

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Let's hope they think nothing of the sort and if you get a medical certificate from the hospital confirming you're declared completely normal, you should be all right."

"Not sure anyone would say I'm _normal_. I mean, people used to tell me I was mental long before I was admitted." We giggled and some of the tension inside me disappeared. I was so happy Jackie and I were in this together.

* * *

A week after we had completed those applications we were invited to the nearest Army careers office, which happened to be the one I had vomited outside. I would have been surprised if it had been any other because I almost felt destined to walk through that glass door after everything I had been through. We went together, Jackie and I, both slightly nervous. A man dressed in combats welcomed us and showed us to a room where a female soldier briefed us and other applicants about what the Army really does and the different options open to us. I think I was able to absorb only half of it because my nerves had me in a full, cold sweat despite that the temperature in there probably was quite normal. We were allowed to ask questions, but I could not think of any except if they would accept a former lunatic and for once kept my gobby mouth zipped.

Next step was a one to one with a member of the recruitment team, a combination of interview and individual careers discussion. I wished I had Jackie with me, but during this step I was on my own and this was what I had been dreading all day. The recruiter assigned to me was a middle-aged male soldier, who smilingly introduced himself as Sergeant McKenzie.

"So, Molly, tell me a bit about yourself. What are your hobbies and interests?"

He probably wanted to give me a soft start, but I was too anxious to beat about the bush.

"Will you accept my application if I've been in a mental hospital?" I blurted out.

He looked at me attentively but kind.

"Well, tell me the background and your current health status and I'll see if I can tell you."

I told him how I had ended up there, because I had withdrawn into myself after a serious assault, that I was declared completely sane now and then handed him the written statement from my doctor.

"Obviously, we'll have to contact the responsible doctor to talk this through in addition to the certificate provided, but it sounds to me like you were the victim of very unfortunate circumstances and you're well now. It takes someone strong to get through something like that and strong persons are what the Army needs."

He did not dismiss me, he was willing to give me a chance. After that, it mostly felt like we were chatting rather than having a formal interview. When the elephant was out of the room, I had no problem talking about myself and in turn he told me of the different job choices there were within the Army. At the end of it he told me that if everything worked out fine with my doctor, I had passed and handed me a copy of the _Future soldier handbook_ to take home.

Jackie passed immediately of course. I was so happy for her and hoped I would too, because I wanted this even more now than when I entered through the recruitment office door.

A few days later I got a call from Sergeant McKenzie.

"Ms. Dawes, I've had a lengthy discussion with your doctor."

I held my breath and my heart was hammering.

"I'm happy to tell you he cleared you and you're very welcome to join the next step of the selection process in a few weeks. Good luck!"

I'm not sure I managed to say thank you or even goodbye despite that I got the feeling that he genuinely wished me luck. I finished the call and sank to the floor, trembling. My relief was palpable, and I was extremely happy. For some reason this felt completely right.

* * *

In the weeks that remained before we were going to the assessment centre to have our aptitude and fitness tested, Jackie and I helped each other to prepare. I intensified my already strict fitness routine and made her join me for longer and faster runs and to the gym where we pushed one another. Jackie showed me the online tests available for preparing oneself. She explained and helped me especially with the maths. I had failed maths in school and was convinced I was a complete fuck-up in the subject, but as I practised I noticed that I improved and that increased my confidence. My result on the English test was already from the start much better than I had expected, like I magically had improved my vocabulary since school. I did not question it, was simply grateful that I was not as unintelligent as I always had been told. As the day got closer, we got more excited and nervous in equal measures.

The day finally came. Had we prepared enough? Did we stand a chance? Soon enough we would know. We took the train to Brookwood station, Surrey where the Army Training Centre Pirbright awaited. We were obviously not the only ones at the station who were there for selection, it was easy to spot the others because everyone looked as nervous as I felt. After ten minutes' wait, a bright pink coach pulled up. We all had a giggle over the colour of it, not the military green one would have expected, until the Sergeant stepped out and gave us a glare which instantly shut us up and we got on the coach in silence.

Upon arrival at the assessment centre, we had to present our documents and were assigned a number and a small water bottle. I got number 13 and was thankful I'm not superstitious.

"Your job is to look after this bottle like a pet. Do not let it leave your side", the Sergeant instructed us.

It was an odd task and I wondered why but decided not to question what seemed to be the first order I had been given. I had every intention not to fail this task.

Next was a full medical examination, but now that I knew my nut was deemed okay I did not worry much because I knew I was physically fit. Both Jackie and I passed, declared fit to proceed. The selection process was to last for two days and the tempo was intense. After an introductory lecture from a very inspiring retired Major, there was something called the Icebreaker. One and one, we had to stand up in front of a room full of senior officers and our fellow candidates and talk about ourselves. Jackie and I had rehearsed for this, but my knees felt wobbly anyway as I got up there. I had never felt so exposed, talking about _myself _in front of all these people who actually were _listening_. My mind went all blank and I did not remember one word of what we had rehearsed. Then I saw Jackie's smiling face and that gave me the courage to start talking and I just spoke from my heart.

"My name is Molly Dawes. I'm from London Borough Newham. That's where I was born 22 years ago and where I've spent most of my life. To be honest, before I went on a road trip this summer I had never been outside London, and look at me now, already outside my comfort zone again."

There was some scattered laughter, kind ones, encouraging me to continue.

"For long I thought I would spend my whole life there. End up like my mum cramped up in a small shabby house, filled with piled laundry that needs folding and dad's empty cans of lager and too many kids. I could see my shitty little life all mapped out with another tosser of a hubby, drunken most of the time. I had hopes and dreams, but I was sure that if I ever tried to do anything about them someone would come stamping on them so I thought there was no point even trying."

Now the room was dead silent, and I could see that everyone was listening attentively.

"Then I got ill. I won't bore you with the details, but I was in hospital for four years. When I got out again, I was different. Felt I had lost so much time, felt that I had to _do_ something with my life, the _one_ I have. Wanted to _achieve_ something, maybe do _one_ thing that makes this world a better place. Maybe that's just silly, but that's why I'm here, and because I thought the Army might be a place where you make friends who will have your back. That's one thing you can be sure about with me, that I'll always have my friend's back, no matter what."

One would have heard a needle drop to the floor. I was not sure if it meant my speech had touched them or if I had made a complete fool of myself.

"Anyway, that's me…"

Lame finale but I was suddenly empty of words and looked to the Sergeant who nodded, and I took my seat again. I was not sure that speech would make me pass, but it had been the true me so if I did not pass, I probably did not belong here anyway.

"You were awesome", Jackie mimed.

She managed brilliantly of course, and I was so proud of her, I felt like giving her an applause but resisted because I suspected it may be frowned upon.

In relation to the Icebreaker, the BARB test and TST test coming next, were like plain sailing. Those tests were intended to get a sense of our logic and math skills. Last thing day 1, when our heads already were mushy, was a lesson on different types of helicopters, which we were to be tested on next morning. We spent the whole evening revising our notes and testing each other, before we knackered fell asleep. We were staying in a room with the other candidates, in bunk beds so it was not that different to home and I slept well despite that I was dreaming of helicopters. We had survived the first day but knew that day 2 was when we were to face the physical challenges.

Next morning, after breakfast and the helicopter test, which we both passed with flying marks, we headed straight out onto the court to begin the physical tests. There was the arduous _Jerrycan carry test_, followed by the backbreaking _Bag lifts_ and then it was time for the real fun; the gruelling 1,5-mile run. Now it was time to show what my four years of running lap after lap in the hospital yard had done for me. If I achieved a good time this day, it might have been worth it all. There were PTIs and Corporals screaming at us every step of the way, shouting at us not to be such lazy-asses, to pick up the pace. Inside my head I was shouting to myself not to give up and increased the speed of my step even if my lungs were burning. I nearly cried as I reached the finishing line and it was only pure will-power that kept me standing instead of collapsing on the ground. I had no idea what time I got, if it would be good enough.

I would have been happy to call it a day after that, but we were far from finished. We were told to change into overalls, crawl through a narrow tunnel, shout "Grenade!" and throw a grenade and the rest of the group were to hit the deck as fast as they could, to test if we could follow instructions. It was apparent we all would have to work on our technique before ever attempting to throw any real grenades. Then there were several team tasks, like transporting the whole group from A to B without touching the ground and collecting an ammo crate on the way. It was challenging but most of all, it was fun and when it was over I would gladly had done it again. Our team worked so well together, and I loved being part of it, sharing the victory together, just as we shared the loss when we failed one exercise.

We were all covered from head to toe in mud and got 30 minutes to shower and change for the final interview. I was ready quicker than most, pleased to see that the outfit I had brought was comparable to the others', so I would not make a fool of myself with a too short skirt or something. That was when I realised my water bottle was missing, the one I was supposed to attend to like a pet. I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice-cold water over my head. Absolute disaster! I had exactly fifteen minutes to localise it before the interview. If I did not bring it, I would be out for sure.

"Where's my fucking water bottle?" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

All the other girls immediately came running, gathering around me.

"Calm down, Molly." Jackie said. "Think. When do you remember having it last?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe before the grenade exercise, maybe before the team exercises. I don't know!"

Panic was building up inside me. This could not be it, the water bottle kicking me out of selection.

Jackie took my hand.

"We'll help you. Won't we girls?"

There was a unison 'Yes!' and in that moment I realised they had my back, we were in this together. There was no time to shed tears even if I was moved though, I had to focus.

"I remember you had it when we left from the grenade exercise. You held it when you told me to tie my shoe laces, so I wouldn't trip", a sturdy girl named Katie said.

"And I saw you put it down on a bench after the Sergeant had explained the first team exercise, when you explained to me because I hadn't understood", said Gita, an Indian girl who spoke with such strong Indian accent that many found it more difficult to understand than my Cockney, but as I was used to Mr. Kumaran I found it easy.

"Did you bring it with you after that?" Jackie asked.

"I can't remember, but I don't think so. Maybe it's still on the bench."

"Then go get it! We'll cover for you if you're late. We'll say you urgently had to go to the loo or something. Run!"

For the second time that day I ran like my life depended upon it, but now in heels and skirt. Already from a distance I saw the bottle, waiting for me at the bench. I felt as relieved as if it had in fact been my lost puppy. I grabbed it and ran back over the court, ignoring that there were people looking at me like I was mad. I got back just in time for my interview, trying best as I could to mask my strained breath.

"You're late Dawes, but not so late you can't be excused."

I sat down opposite the stern-faced woman. She looked down on her papers, which obviously summarised my scores.

"How did you find this experience?"

"Hard, but I really enjoyed it, ma'am. Especially the team exercises."

She nodded, then her gaze fell on the water bottle I had placed on the desk.

"I see you have managed to keep track of your water bottle. Good."

Just barely, but no need to tell her.

"Do you understand the purpose of that task?"

"Not sure I do ma'am."

"If we can't trust you to look after a water bottle, why should we trust you to look after a gun."

That made perfect sense and I felt my cheeks heat. Thank God the girls had helped me find it or I would already be out. Maybe I would be anyway.

"You passed the theoretical tests, maths and basic English, but we have also evaluated your reasoning, how you delve into problems and your capability to work in a team. In addition, we need to be convinced you're motivated and fit enough to make it through basic training. We take everything the candidates demonstrate these days into account and judge whether you have passed or not."

She paused and stared at me with her steely grey eyes.

"You impressed during the team exercise, Ms. Dawes, helping less fit team members to make it. You apparently delivered quite a speech during the Icebreaker and… "

She paused, and I thought this must be how the contestants in those talent TV-shows like X-factor felt when the jury paused before they delivered their verdict.

"…you finished the 1,5 miles in 10,47 placing you in the _superior_ category."

She paused again, and the suspense was killing me.

"Does it mean…?"

"It means you passed, and we offer you a place in Phase 1 training."

I'm not sure how I managed to hold back my tears until I was out of her office, but then they came flooding. Jackie was there, and she had made it too. We just hugged each other and laughed and cried and laughed. I don't think I had ever felt so happy. It felt like coming home.

* * *

Fast forward another month and Jackie and I returned to Pirbright, this time for fourteen weeks of Phase 1 training.

My family had been slightly apprehensive when I told them about my decision to join the Army. Not only because of my history even if mum worried about that, but also because the Army was not a career they imagined anyone would like to pursue. Few people from our neighbourhood did and dad commented;

"Why would you want to offer your head for target practise?"

Few girls from Newham aspired to _any_ career at all other than adding babies to the world and trying to keep unruly husbands in check, but my mind was made up. Now that I had passed selection nothing would stop me from entering basic training. I was very happy when I had worked my last day at the Indian restaurant and said goodbye to Mr. Kumaran and my colleagues there.

This time we were picked up at the station by a Corporal in uniform, Corporal Geddings and flashing a wicked grin he informed us we would be in his troop, leaving us unsure if that made us the lucky ones or not. Jackie and I did not say much during the ride, we were too nervous. After we had arrived through the gates and parked, he showed us the direction of our block and left us there to get acquainted with our fellow troop members for the next fourteen weeks. All were women about the same age as us, in Phase 1 they kept females and males separate during training. We were happy when we recognised several of the girls from selection, Katie and Gita among them. It felt good to have some familiar faces around because even if we wanted to be here it was a bit nerve wrecking. We knew the transformation from civilian to soldier would be a rough journey. We spent the evening chatting with each other and unpacking, all aware that tomorrow the serious stuff would begin.

After breakfast and a shower, we were off for medicals; vaccinations, blood and urine tests and once again deemed fit for service in terms of health. Then Corporal Geddings appeared and brusquely ordered us to line up outside, in the courtyard. Pacing back and forth he scrutinised our appearances and made us hope we did not seem inadequate to him.

"You're very fortunate ladies. Normally a section of new recruits like yourselves would have to make do with only me, but you lot will be trained by a very experienced Captain who has a temporary placement here due to a combat injury. You will do wise to listen and absorb everything he can teach you, not everyone gets such an opportunity during Phase 1 training."

Speaking of the devil. In that moment I felt a chilly wind blow past me and a man came striding over the yard in our direction. I recognised him immediately and my heart raced in the most ridiculous way.

He had efficiently wiped the smile off his face and was dressed in army green instead of white, but other than that he looked pretty much the same. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew this was the guy on the photo on Mrs. James' mantelpiece.

* * *

*_Footnote_: _In the dating app Tinder, you swipe right if you like someone, left to dismiss them._

* * *

**_A/N: Thanks to the British Army for providing so much info online which is really helpful when trying to describe the selection process accurately and thanks to the interesting blog of Andrew Vaugh describing his experience joining the British Army. I'm sure the sole purpose of it all was to enable me to _****_write better OGFF's – lol. _**


	7. Chapter 7: Not an ideal start

**_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, they always encourage me to continue!_**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Not an ideal start**

* * *

All of us already felt a fair amount respect for Corporal Geddings, but as the male figure approached us we all straightened our backs further because we sensed this was someone different, in another league entirely. Someone who for sure was not to be trifled with.

If he was recovering from an injury it was not visible from the way he moved when he came striding with determined long steps, his whole being radiating superiority. He did not look weak in any shape of form. He was tall like a bloody giant and I bet he was puffing his chest a bit extra just to intimidate us, which was quite unnecessary because I think he would have an impressive enough chest anyway and we were already pretty intimidated. He halted, stood with his feet shoulder-wide apart, back straight and arms crossed over his body, hands tucked in his armpits and stared down on us. The dark hair was combed slick and topped by a navy coloured beret. He was stiffly smart uniformed, and his shoes so well-polished one could probably mirror oneself in them. He had a gaze that could pin you like a Tazer and there was not a flicker of a smile on his face. He looked like a posh twat, but an extremely good-looking and dangerous posh twat. It turned out that Mrs, James' son had grown older with graze, neither turned fat nor bald and he was not as old as I had expected either. Thirty-something I guessed.

He was a man I never had seen except in a photograph, yet when he lets his gaze sweep over us and it for a moment got stuck in mine, it felt like I was pulled in and my legs turned a bit into jelly because he reminded me so much of someone, someone I knew so very well even if I did not have the faintest idea who. For a second, I thought I sensed him losing his equilibrium too, but then he broke eye contact and I realised I was imagining.

"I'm Captain James."

Even his dark voice was authoritative and powerful, like he had said 'I'm Superman' instead. Come to think of it, he would make an excellent Superman if they decided for a re-make of the movie. I had to hold back laughing at the thought of him in the red and blue _very_ tight-fitting outfit. Now _that_ is something I would have appreciated.

"…and as you already know, this is Corporal Geddings. For the next fourteen weeks you'll be under our command."

He nodded to Geddings to continue and the younger man started a speech he obviously had practiced in front of the mirror a few times.

"For the next fourteen weeks, I'll be your mother, father, boyfriend, grandma."

Despite that I knew it was totally inappropriate, a giggle escaped me before I could stop it.

Captain James snapped his head my direction and rested that piercing gaze on me again.

"What are you laughing at, private?" His voice could cut through glass.

"Nothing, Sir."

He came walking my direction, stopped in front of me and leaned over me so he was very close, towering over me. I wished I was taller.

"When I ask you a question, you answer. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"So, one more chance. What were you laughing at, private?"

"It's just that the two of you are very different from my dad or any of my family members… Sir."

Dad, pissing about in soggy briefs, showing off his wobbly, hairy belly was as far away as anyone could get from these seriously fit men.

I must be mistaken, but for a split second I thought I saw a tiny twitch, like the beginning of a smile at the corner of his mouth, but no, he stayed dead serious and kept glaring at me.

"You realise that first impressions are important? You're not endearing yourself to me…" He glanced down on my name tag. "…Dawes."

So, I made my first impression and it was not favourable, that was easy to tell. Suddenly I had the feeling that _my _fourteen weeks might be harder than the others'.

He returned to his original position and Geddings continued.

"During these fourteen weeks you're mine and Captain James', but more importantly, I'm yours. I'm going to do my best to ensure that each and everyone of you pass the grade."

Captain James continued.

"We both will. As Geddings said, we'll be all the family you need for the next fourteen weeks because at the end of the day, when we're done with you, you won't have any spare energy to think of anyone or anything else."

He gave me a hard stare to ensure I was not giggling again, but I had managed to contain myself.

"Make no mistake, I have no hesitation whipping your arses if that's what it takes to get you through and if that does not help, I won't hesitate to lob you out either. It's not a bloody holiday you have signed up for. Not everyone is cut out for the Army and we'll soon separate the wheat from the chaff. Won't we Geddings?"

It was obvious who was the good cop and the bad cop here, but I felt pretty certain it was not an act. I clearly preferred Geddings over James and wished we had not been so "lucky" as to have this extra special resource even if we were considered fortunate to get the opportunity.

"Yes, Sir. We'll separate the shit from the clay, we only want clay on our hands."

James now paced back and forth in front of us.

"Some of you look a mess, puffy and pudgy and with big bags under your eyes. This isn't a fucking priory!"

Seriously, in any other setting, if a guy had said that to a girl he would have deserved a punch, but here, he was simply stating facts and he was in his right to do it. It did not mean I liked Captain James more though.

"Are you listening Dawes?"

"This isn't a fucking priory."

I could see in the corner of my eye that Jackie was fighting to keep from laughing. I hoped she would manage so she did not get herself into trouble. I did not mean to be funny or cheeky or annoying. It just came out like that when I opened my mouth. Maybe best to keep it shut for the rest of basic training, but it might be provocative not to answer direct questions.

"These weeks we're going to need your absolute concentration and dedication. Those not determined enough, will pass out. Those that dig deeper and find new strength, will pass through. Those who do not give up in the face of adversity, will do all right. I promise you that. If you want it enough, you will get it. Those that aren't one hundred per cent focused will fail. I promise you that as well."

Geddings continued their two-man show and I wondered if there was a script which they had rehearsed together. Decided who would say what lines.

"Did I say something funny Dawes?

Oh, shit. I really had not intended to smirk.

"No, Corporal."

"Then why the fucking grin?!"

"I just felt like I was in a film for a minute, sorry."

They exchanged a glance which clearly communicated they thought me the bad apple of the section. Great, in less than five minutes I had manged to turn both of them against me. James spoke again.

"I can assure you, Dawes, that if you don't show a better attitude in the upcoming days, you'll be out of here before the end of the week. Got that?"

"Yes, Sir."

After that disastrous start of the day, we all lined up to receive our kits. I was truly and well excited to finally look the part, hoping it would make me feel less like a deflated silly girl and more like a soldier. Maybe even behave like one.

Once we finally were back in our room, Jackie and I sat down on my bed and she sighed with a smile.

"Molly, you sure know how to find trouble."

"I didn't mean to, did I? What a Rupert!"

I whispered the last words almost fearing Captain James would pop up and hear me. He seemed the type who would hear and know everything.

"Which one of them?" she giggled.

"Captain James. I think Geddings seems all right."

"And cute", she whispered back.

"God, I can't even think of them like that."

She was right though. Geddings was cute and Captain James… If he had seemed to have one nice bone in his body, he would have been simply… divine. As it was, he was an unattainable gorgeous asshole. I did not tell Jackie I knew he was Mrs. James' son and that we had been to his parents' house. Somehow, that secret felt like one I wanted to keep to myself, at least for now.

The bed next to mine was Katie's. She looked even more lost than me and did not have a friend here like I did, so I felt compelled to cheer her up.

"It's so good to see you again, Katie."

"Thanks." She smiled weakly but did not look happy.

"You don't want to be here?" I asked.

"Oh, I do. I want it so badly that I… I just don't know what to do if I don't make it. That's all."

"How come?"

"No one wants me at home. My mum's bloke and I, we don't get along and they've made it clear they don't want me there. If I don't make this and can't stay in the Army, I have nowhere to go."

Her sincerity and her situation were heart-breaking.

"You'll make it", I reassured her and hoped I was right. "We'll have each other's backs, right? If anyone is in trouble after today, it's me, not you.

She smiled again, this time looking a bit happier.

"Yeah, maybe you should try not to piss them off tomorrow."

"I tried today and look how well that went", I grinned.

I had survived my first day in the Army, but it had been a close call. I was completely knackered after all the tension, new impressions and trying to _make_ a good impression. As for good impressions, I thought I had managed pretty well with my fellow recruits, not so well with my superiors. To be honest it had been a disaster. I was willing to bet money on that Geddings thought me the worst recruit in the section, meanwhile Captain James might well have concluded I was the worst private he ever had come across. I would have to work on that tomorrow. I have always been better on second impressions than firsts and hoped that would be my salvation.

Over the last months I had had fewer and less frequent flash memories from my imaginary world, but this night I dreamt about my husband again for some reason. He was standing behind me and moved away my long hair from one side of my neck, leaving it bare. He dotted soft kisses there while running his hands along the sides of my body, pulling me closer to him. I felt my skin prickle from his caresses.

"I love you", he whispered and then they woke us up at the ungodly hour of 05:30.

After breakfast, we dressed in our PT kits and it was time for our Personal Fitness Assessment, PFA. We carried jerrycans and lifted powerbags just like during selection and then finally we had our 1,5-mile run. I was determined to make up for the day before by showing Geddings and James that at least physically I was up for the challenge. It all went well, until during my second lap of the 1,5-mile run I caught up with Katie who obviously was in trouble, running much too slow.

"Come on, Katie, faster!" I tried to encourage her.

"It's to soon after breakfast. I have these painful side stiches", she grimaced panting.

"Keep running, you'll get over it."

I slowed down to try to get her with me and others ran past us.

"I can't."

"I'll run with you. You can do it!"

"Dawes, what the fuck are you doing?!"

Without even looking, I knew it was Captain James but tried to ignore him.

"DAWES! This is not a team exercise! It's about _you_ running your best time!"

"This is my best, Sir. Can't run any faster." I shouted back at him.

"Come on, Katie!" I hissed to her. "I'm not leaving you, but you must run. Remember you want this, you can't fail, and I won't let you fail. Run for fucks sake!"

Then it was like she got a new burst of energy and was able to fight the pain and we ran and ran. I knew my finishing time was much worse than during selection, but hers was far better than it would have been if I had left her. I was certain it was good enough, so they would not be able to cut her off.

We sat panting beside each other on the grass after we had reached the finishing line.

"Dawes, I need a word with you."

I looked up into Captain James face and he did not look the least happy. I got to my feet and we stepped away from the others.

"Did you not hear what I just said?"

"I heard you loud and clear, Sir."

"Good, so we've established there's nothing wrong with your hearing. Then why the hell did you not do as you were told? You know the instruction for this exercise and you were disobeying a direct order. This is a very bad start of your Army career, Dawes."

I wondered if it was possible to look more stern-faced than he did in this moment and swallowed hard.

"Would you care to explain?"

"Well, I thought this, the Army, wasn't about looking after number one, but about looking after numbers 2 to 12 in my section. So we'll always have 11 people watching our backs... I thought that's why the British Army never can never lose. That it is what separates us from the enemy. If I got it wrong, just tell me and I'll only think of myself going forward, Sir."

While I talked, his facial expression shifted from annoyed to one of astonished disbelief.

"You're giving me a fucking lecture about the Army Dawes? Really?"

"I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean to..."

Uncertain I let my voice trail off, maybe I had completely overstepped this time. I was not even sure where I got that little speech from. I just knew I could not leave Katie and I would have done the same again, even if it meant they kicked me out.

"You didn't mean to be cheeky? Or insubordinate?"

"No, I just did what I believed was right."

He let out a frustrated sigh, but surprisingly his features softened slightly.

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're right Dawes. That's _exactly _what the British Army is about."

Our eyes were locked, and my heart was beating very fast and I knew it was not only due to the run. WTAF, did he just admit_ I_ was right and indirectly, _he _was wrong? I could not believe my ears.

"This doesn't mean you're off the hook. I'll see you here tomorrow 05:30 and you'll repeat your 1,5-mile run. Without distractions this time. I want to know what you're good for."

Despite that it was a punishment to do the dreaded test two days in a row, I felt I was getting away like a winner from the fight. Because somehow it felt like Captain James and I were fighting a battle and this time I scored. Especially when Katie thanked me from the bottom of her heart as we walked away to hit the showers.

Next morning, I was there 05:15 starting to warm up and had the pleasure of seeing him arriving after me. I knew that most recruits do not manage as good a time in their first PFA as during selection because of the lack of PTIs screaming at you all the way, but as I was off with just Captain James brown eyes watching me, I knew already from start that this would be a personal best because I simply had to show him. If it was the last thing I did in this world, I would show him. So, I ran, and ran, felt my heart beating, my blood pumping until every breath hurt, and my mouth tasted of iron, but I ignored it and when I passed him for the second lap I just increased the speed, thought that if I died I would hold him responsible. When I passed the finishing line after two completed laps, there was not an ounce of energy left in me and I could not pretend otherwise, I just stumbled to the side and lay down in the grass, gasping for air.

He came over and stood there, looking down on me without saying anything. Surely, I looked a mess, sweaty and flushed but who cared anyway. Again, our eyes locked while my pulse was slowing down until I was able to speak.

"Well?"

"10,31. I'm officially impressed, Dawes and it takes a fair amount to impress me. There's nothing wrong with your fitness. Will you now please keep that gobby mouth of yours shut and do as your told for the remaining fourteen weeks."

It was not a question, it was an order and I would do my best to follow it.

"Thanks, Sir. I've been running a lot."

"From what?"

He did not await my response, he just turned and walked away, left me there in the grass wondering if that was what it was really all about. Me running for dear life, away from Artan towards a life I hoped would be better but so far just had subjected me to the mercy of another dickhead, but at least one who apparently could admit if he was wrong.

Anyway, I felt immensely happy. My 1,5-mile running time from selection had improved substantially due to the Captain-James-effect. If this continued, I would for sure be a top recruit as long as could keep my tongue in check.

* * *

**_A/N: Nope, neither of them recognises the other from the garden. Now we will have to see if either of them finds out before he loses his patience with her and kicks her out. I can't help it, I have a weakness for a CJ who is an asshole in the beginning (he was so hot in the first episode) and I love Molly proving him wrong._**


	8. Chapter 8: Exercise Icebreaker

**Chapter 8: Exercise Icebreaker**

* * *

Before we received our kits, we had been sized up for shoes, trousers, beret and shirts with the result that these garments actually fit me better than most clothes I had worn in my life so far. The first time I put on my new outfit, it was a strange sensation. The camo fatigues and shirt were brand new yet wearing them felt strangely familiar. I had probably imagined I was dressed like this for years when in hospital, but it did not explain the well-known feeling of the fabric on my skin or how right it felt when I looked myself in the mirror. The one thing I did not appreciate seeing myself like this was my hair colour, blonder than ever after the summer. It did not match well with the army green and it really did not feel like me anymore. I had almost forgotten all about it but now I felt I had to fix it with a bottle of hair dye sometime soon. For now, I just tied it up in a neat regulation bun.

_'Female personnel are to arrange their hair in a manner that permits Service Dress cap to be worn correctly; hair is not to be shown under the front or peak of the cap and the style is to be kept neat and no longer than the bottom edge of the collar at the back of the Service jacket.'_ When I was done, my hairdo fulfilled those requirements. I did not intend to give Captain James or Corporal Geddings anything to complain about in that area. From now on, I planned on keeping my head down and my mouth shut and make it through the fourteen weeks smoothly. _Planned_ being the key word here, of course, it turned out anything but smooth.

One of our first learnings in Phase 1 was that no one cared about our first names anymore. I was Dawes, Jackie was Aston, Katie was Pearce and Gita was Singh. Second, we learned that that British Soldiers are required to produce their uniforms and equipment and bedding in a certain fashion, in 'the Army way'. The British Army is more obsessed with cleaning, polishing and ironing than a fifties' house wife. I found this surprising as it has always been a male-dominated institution and I had imagined soldiers to be muddy, with camouflage paint in their faces half of the time, but the Army is very fussy about domestic stuff.

We got to know that most evenings during basic training we would be on a rota to do different "block jobs" before an evening block inspection. Our room, toilets, wash room, the troop corridor, stair wells all had to be clean, polished and scrubbed. Dust was acceptable nowhere. Any metal fastenings had to be shined and the glossed floor had to be polished and buffed. We had to be done by 8 pm, and at that time everyone was to be stood to attention. If anything was substandard, the entire troop would be on a re-inspection at 9 pm and then at 10 pm, and so on, until everything was done perfectly. We soon found out that between the two of them, Captain James and Corporal Geddings could _always_ find something wrong, as the entire escapade was an impossible endless task, the result of which could never be perfection. During the first weeks we failed again and again. Their faces were expressionless masks during the inspections, but I bet they were actually shitting themselves with laughter every time they found reasons for us to re-do the whole procedure.

Keeping our kit immaculate at all times required ironing and I had never done so much ironing in my life. In my family we were more about hanging the laundry and hoping it looked decent enough when it had dried. It seemed so pointless having to iron combats before I put them on and crawled on muddy ground. This afternoon, Jackie and I stood ironing for the umpteenth time that first week. As I had not gotten the hang of how to create perfect creases yet, it was very time consuming. Our sole consolation was that we could chat with each other while doing it, so it was not a complete waste of time. I was happy, because I had managed to avoid annoying or infuriating our commanders for two full days now and was hoping to succeed a third.

"When we're deployed, do you figure they'll make us pack an iron and iron board in our kit, or will they provide it once we get there?" I giggled.

Jackie snorted a laugh, but before she could answer someone else did in her place.

"Of course, we don't."

I knew who the dry voice belonged to already before I turned around to find Captain James leaning in the doorway, resting his brown eyes on me and automatically I straightened my back. I noticed he had not combed his dark hair slick today and it curled in natural, very flattering waves. He continued.

"When you're out there in a Forward Operating Base in Afghan or anywhere similar, there isn't a proper shower or washing machine, let alone an iron board."

He looked at me like he thought I actually had believed there would be. I'm not _that_ stupid so I felt I had to explain my reasoning, even if it had not been a very serious conversation as long as I only had it with Jackie.

"I didn't actually think there would be, Sir, and that got me thinking. Isn't it a bit pointless then?"

"What is, Dawes?"

"All this focus on ironing and cleaning, when it's not like we're going to be able to keep it up out in the field."

He straightened himself and came to stand in front of me. I put my iron down so I would not happen to burn him accidentally because I was sure that burning my CO would either put me up for dreadful charges or be my unwanted ticket out of here. He really had a talent for being a bit threatening just by standing tall and close to me and I could see on Jackie's face that she thought that now I had gone and done it again. Brought trouble upon myself.

"It's about learning discipline, not question given orders and complete the task at hand. We don't want sloppy soldiers, Dawes. If you're able to manage yourself, your kit and your block to perfection, then _maybe_ we can trust you with a weapon. We do everything for a good reason even if it may not seem like it to you."

I found it best not to say anything and as I suspected, he was not done lecturing me.

"We aim to train soldiers to have the correct mentality. It may seem mad to you, but during basic training this includes requirements such as folding and stacking clothes in particular ways, having your entire lockers laid out in precise ways, having exceptionally clean rooms, selves, blocks and equipment. All this builds towards making sure a soldier can slip into the perfectionist, obedient mentality required of anyone who has to sometimes perform mission-critical tasks as part of daily routine. All the inspections, which appear to merely test your patience, in addition provides background training to enable soldiers to carefully and consistently carry out safety procedures. It that explanation enough for you, Dawes?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It will also teach you not to question orders from those higher up in the chain of command. A highly important skill which you seem very much in need of acquiring, Dawes."

His dark eyes were boring into me. I felt my breath hitch and only managed to achieve a nod in response before he turned and left.

"Molly..." Jackie said.

"I know what you're going to say. I didn't know he was standing there. If I had I never would have questioned this f-in ironing. He's very talented at sneaking up on us, isn't he? I wonder if they teach them tip-toeing at Sandhurst?"

"Why don't you ask him next time?"

We both giggled because we knew it would be for the better if I did not and because it was hilarious imagining Captain James tip-toeing.

* * *

That evening, Corporal Geddings showed us what to pack in our bergens for Exercise ICEBREAKER. This would involve a night in the woods, in order to get to know each other more as a troop and give the training staff a chance to let us know more about them in a relaxed atmosphere. Not that I know if _any_ atmosphere could ever be relaxed with Captain James in it. We finished the night by packing our bergen and, naturally, ironing our kit. I was beginning to get my creases right and hoped Captain James might notice.

Next morning, we marched off to the woods. I had never seen so many trees in one spot and to be honest I found it a bit terrifying. If Bella and I had thought that the vegetation in the RHS Garden Hyde Hall had been a bit much and worried about getting lost among the hedges, this was taking things up a few notches. I had a feeling it would not go down well if I told our commanders I was not comfortable with the woods though, so I gritted my teeth and kept on marching, looking out for bears and cockroaches and whatever other wild animals there might be around.

First thing, we were given a briefing on how to safely use a shotgun, as we were going to do some clay pigeon shooting. I had never fired a weapon before, so this was equally daunting and exciting. Captain James and Corporal Geddings showed us one after one how to hold the weapon when firing. I had tried to place myself in the line, so I would be assigned to Geddings, but he got stuck helping Gita meanwhile James was quick with Katie.

"Are you coming Dawes, or what?"

He jerked his head, indicating me to come forward and I had the uncanny feeling that he knew I did not wish for _his_ help.

"I see your ironing has improved, maybe I actually dare to let you participate in this exercise", he said with a smirk and the sarcasm in his voice prevented it from being an actual compliment.

Then he showed me how to hold the shotgun.

"You always treat the shotgun as it were loaded. Never put your finger on the trigger until you're ready to fire. Hold your non-firing hand on the stock, roughly in the middle of the grip."

He put his hand over mine, adjusting it.

"Cradle it firmly, using the V created by your thumb and forefinger. Hold the grip of the gun with your firing-hand on the grip behind the trigger. Hold onto the gun securely but gently, as if you were giving it a light handshake."

He made me loosen my fingers because I was apparently holding on too tight.

"Now put it in firing position."

He showed me how to put the gun snuggly into my shoulder, touching my shoulder in the move and I wished he would stop touching me because it made it a tad difficult to focus, even he only touched me in a strictly professional manner.

"If you fail to keep it tight in your shoulder, it will make the 'kick' from the recoil more painful when you shoot the gun. Keeping it tight will allow your body to absorb the kick, instead of the gun bouncing into your shoulder. Got it?"

I nodded.

"Your feet should be shoulder width apart, your knees flexed slightly, with your body turned roughly 40 degrees to the side of the target your firing hand is on."

He moved his hands to my hips and with light pressure adjusted my position. I found it hard to breathe.

"That's it. Now weld your cheek to the stock, align your eye evenly with the sight of the shotgun."

He adjusted my grip and my elbow one last time, briefly touched my midriff and told me to apply some tension there so the recoil would not knock me out of balance.

"Now you should be ready to fire", he claimed.

Unfortunately, with all these little touches _he_ knocked me out of balance and when the clay pigeons were fired I only hit one out of six. I had wanted to impress him so badly that the disappointment ached in me.

"It seems like you'll be needing some target practise Dawes," he said flatly.

I thought to myself that this time the Captain-James-effect had not done me any good. I would have to overcome the nervousness having him close to me caused, or I would be in trouble for any upcoming exercises involving shooting. Luckily, I was not the only one who missed the pigeons, so I did not feel like a complete failure.

When everyone had had a try at killing clay pigeons, the two officers showed us how to set up something they called a basha – a makeshift 'tent' involving our ponchos, tent pegs, bungees and the trees. Then it was our turn to have a try. Needless to say, I do not come from a family of campers, so I had never set up a regular tent even and I was not a natural talent at this. Jackie, Katie and Gita quickly managed to craft something which looked like they would actually be able to sleep in it without the 'roof' falling in. I knew they gladly would have helped me, but we were supposed to manage on our own. I kept struggling but it just would not work and desperately I kicked a stump next to me.

"Fuck this bloody basha," I muttered to myself, not loud at all, but naturally Captain James heard me and came over with his sternest face on.

"Giving up already? You realise looking like Barbie won't give you any extra credits here, Dawes? That there's no lighter version of basic training for blondes?"

Again, standing in my personal space. This man truly had no sense for what standing too close meant, or he did it deliberately to make me uncomfortable. He was speaking so near my face that I could feel his breath, which was pleasant with a touch of mint and I fleetingly wondered if he always was mindful to chew a spearmint gum before going to work because he knew he was likely to end up shouting in the face of one or two of us. I could also see that the colour of his eyes was not homogenous, the dark brown mixed with dispersed streaks of a lighter golden brown, and that he had really perfect skin with very tiny pores and he had actually missed a little spot when shaving this morning, so he had an area with a bit of stubble. I suspected he would not have appreciated if I pointed out that his shave was not quite up to regulation standards though, so I kept quiet about that even if I would like to retort something in return for Barbie. _Barbie_, seriously?

"I would never assume the way I look to give me any advantages here."

I tried to keep my voice steady, did not want to sound like a hurt little girl. I knew it would have been best if I had ended the sentence there, but I could not make myself shut up.

"But I wouldn't assume it to give me any disadvantages either. Isn't it a bit prejudiced of you to assume that _I_ would assume looks matter, just because I'm blonde? I only think it matters if I do well, like for anyone else. Sir."

He kept my gaze, still right in my face but I did not flinch, tried to not even blink. I knew he wanted to be intimidating and he _was_, but I would not give him the satisfaction of showing him I thought so. Now I observed a tick in a muscle in his clenched jaw. Possibly he found me as annoying as I found him.

"Then you had better do _very _well, Dawes, and a first step is to learn not to talk back to me or any of your superior officers. Next step is to finish your basha or you won't have anywhere to sleep tonight. Is that understood?"

"Yes."

He kept staring at me with frowned brow.

"Yes, _Sir_."

I was so furious with him right then, because he was such an arrogant bastard and I felt sorry for the nice Mrs. James that she had such an awful son. I would only have to put up with him for fourteen weeks, she was stuck with him for life and obviously loved him to bits. I hoped he was nicer to her. What annoyed me even more, was that I would have to postpone my plans to dye my hair because otherwise he might think it was because of his comment and I did not want to give him that satisfaction. The fact that he assumed I thought I would glide through basic training because I was a blonde made me so mad that I had to stamp my foot when he had walked away. I was beginning to think that I actually hated Captain James a little bit, but then Jackie whispered me a few hints how to succeed with the basha and I focused on that instead.

In the evening we had scoff and sat around a campfire. Our commanders kept in the background, sat there but left us to our banter for a while so I nearly forgot they were there until I looked up and met James' eyes over the fire. His features were softened in the light from the fire, which made him look younger and less stern-faced. When our eyes met he looked strangely caught in the act and he looked away, almost bashfully.

After some time, Geddings interrupted us and they told us about their careers so far in the Army and the amazing places it has taken them. I got the feeling that while Corporal Geddings told us a sincere and enthusiastic summary of his experiences, James was leaving something out because he wanted to keep it inspiring. He had been on several tours to Afghan, Asia, Africa, Central America, been both engaged in combat and humanitarian missions. When he spoke, he looked into the fire and I could watch him because so did everyone else and I wondered if they were mesmerised by the way his lips moved, as I was. He held too many experiences to tell everything in detail even if he had talked all evening and night, but I somehow knew he deliberately left out the more difficult experiences and how he got injured. When he finally went silent I wanted to know more, I could have kept listening all night to the crackling sound of the fire and his voice, which seemed strangely familiar now when the harsh tone was gone for a while. I sensed there was a barrier within him he let very few people pass, his feelings and possible fears kept very private. I remembered what his mum had said and thought it seemed like he even kept her at distance, so he would obviously never open up to us.

Then it was our chance to stand up and speak about our life stories. When it was my turn, I trimmed the truth a bit compared to the Icebreaker in selection. Somehow, I was not comfortable talking about my hospitalisation in front of them. Or, truth be told, I would have been fine with the girls, and even Geddings, but I could not stand it if James had started asking questions and I had to tell him it was a mental hospital and then he would have looked at me like I was a nutter for the rest of Phase 1. So, instead I told them about how tough it had been growing up in our council house in Newham, how I always had to take care of myself and my siblings because my parents were a mess, knackered or drunk. I told them that this, here and now, was the first time that I felt I belonged somewhere, had a purpose and had met people, _them_, who I felt could be real friends. I almost did not dare to meet anyone but Jackie's eyes after that, still feared being rejected, still feared someone would jeer and say I had no friends here and should not expect to find any either. But no one said that, instead Katie put her arms around my shoulders and said of course we were mates and the others smilingly agreed. Captain James said nothing but when I met his eyes again, he gave me a nod which felt like an approval, felt like he had understood I really, really wanted to be here and nowhere else and that the Army was not some kind of joke to me.

It was a great evening, which bonded us as a troop closer together and made us feel there was more to our commanders than just being our tormentors. Even to Captain James. I slept very well in my basha despite my fear of wild animals and mind you, the basha actually lasted all night without collapsing over me. Score; Molly Dawes.

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_**A/N: Thank you for reviewing!**_

_**x**_


	9. Chapter 9: Surprises

**_A/N: Thanks for the feedback on last chapter. Especially I love when you tell me what you liked (or not liked) about it and when you speculate about what will happen next. I sort of have the main things drafted in my head by now, but ideas pop up and events and details are added as we move on, so nothing is ever set in stone until I publish. _**

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**Chapter 9: Surprises**

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The first few weeks of basic training passed so quickly I hardly had time to miss my family. Just like Geddings and James had predicted we were usually too exhausted by the end of the day to think of anything beyond what they had taught us and figuring out how to live up to their expectations. It was far from easy and the past weeks had meant numerous disappointing failures on my part but also some surprising successes. Surprising both to both myself and my commanders I would say, and I had a feeling they were no longer certain that their initial opinion of me as the bad apple had been entirely correct.

One area where I did well was the PTs. Next to cleaning and keeping clothes immaculate, the Army is also obsessed with PT. Someone told me the British Army is the fittest in the world. I do not know if it is true, but they sure as hell try to be anyway. Thankfully, our commanders were inventive about the PT, so it varied a lot. There was endurance training, running around the surrounding woods of our camp , circuit training in the gym, playing sports against another troop, agility like rolls and leopard crawls whilst tackling the miniature assault course set up in the gym and learning how to properly climb a rope. All this I managed pretty brilliantly in my own opinion, even if it was rare to get any plaudits from James or Geddings. They just shouted at us to increase, shape up, push ourselves whilst maintaining their stern look.

There was only one PT I skipped, pretending I was ill; the swim test. The reason was simple enough – I can't swim. I guess I must learn at some point but for now I was glad I had managed not to expose this embarrassing fact and ducked my CO's disapproval.

Then there were areas which were physical, but I was a disaster anyway because other skills than just being fit came into play. Like the drill, where some serious coordination skills are required. When you see soldiers marching you wonder 'how hard can it be?'. Well, really fucking hard. We were supposed to move completely synchronised in the same direction, but often I found myself stumbling on my own or someone else's feet, have a bent arm when I should not, or worst of all, tick-tock. Tick-tocking is when arms and legs on the same side of the body move forward together rather than oppositely and without exception it was always noticed by James and Geddings and evoked their wrath. By the end of the second week, we were told that we had to march and halt everywhere on camp, including our block.

"From now on, if you're not marching, you're running!" Geddings informed us and I regretfully thought that not even walking would feel relaxed anymore.

Another thing I turned out to be depressingly incompetent at, was finding my way with compass and map in the woods. One day they dropped us off two and two in the middle of the woods and we were challenged with finding our way back to barracks before it got dark. Jackie and I paired up and started off happily, but for once we were not a brilliant combination because she was equally untalented as me reading the map and interpreting the compass. Sometime during the afternoon, we realised we were completely lost in the middle of nowhere. We were not sure what direction to continue not to go even further into the woods instead of towards civilisation. We did not have any equipment with us for sleeping outdoors on a cold autumn night and after we hade eaten the small bagged snack we had brought, we did not have any food either, just water, and we were getting pretty hungry. No one had counted on us to get so completely lost, this was supposed to be an easy exercise. When dusk already began to fall, the heavens opened, and rain poured down as well. We just looked at each other and started laughing at the misery.

"WTF! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse."

"It can still get worse… if a bear comes by."

"Please don't say that!"

Not only did the rain make us cold and wet, it also limited our sight further, so it would be even harder to find our way back and we started preparing mentally for a very cold night outdoors.

"I guess we'll have to cuddle up under a tree or something and keep each other as warm as we can."

"Do you think they'll come looking for us? Send a search patrol?"

The thought that they would have to was embarrassing, but it would be wonderful to be found and not have to spend the night here.

"Nah, I think Captain James will think it serves us right to spend night out in the cold if we can't make it back ourselves."

"You're probably right about that", Jackie sighed. "He'll wait until the morning just to punish us and then they'll find us like two camouflage popsicles."

"The flavour of the month", I grinned. We had to try to keep our spirits up.

I could only imagine how pissed off Captain James would be by now, when we obviously had not made it back according to instruction. Maybe he would even think we had given up and gone AWOL on purpose.

We found a dense tree which could provide some shelter and shuddering sat down, close to each other to at least share the little body heat we had. I have no idea how long we sat there leaning against the stem. Time passed excruciatingly slowly, we were so hungry and cold, and it got darker and darker and honestly, I was a bit frightened. Every now and then we heard a twig break or some other random forest sound and anxiously looked for animals, but it was impossible to see anything in the darkness. In the end I think we dozed off for a while of pure exhaustion, but I woke up abruptly when I heard someone shouting at a distance and a light, like from a flashlight, was moving among the trees.

"Dawes! Aston! Dawes! Aston!"

In between blowing a whistle and coming closer.

"DAWES! ASTON!

"Here we are!" Jackie shouted hoarsely.

I almost felt hesitant to respond, because I recognised the voice. Captain bloody James coming to the rescue. I wished someone else had found us. _Anyone_ else. We got to our feet, stiff from the cold and weak from hunger, fumbled towards the light and the voice and finally found ourselves standing before him. Unlike us he was clad in rainwear, but in the sharp light from the flashlight I could see his face was dripping with water, the dark hair glued to his head and he did not look best pleased. I was so happy to see him yet so terrified, never had he looked more like an angry giant and never had I felt smaller.

"What are you fuck-muppets doing out here?!" he barked. "You're miles away from where you're supposed to be, and the rest of the search party is looking in the complete wrong location. It was pure luck I had the idea to pull over and have a look here."

Obviously, he did not feel the least sorry for us, despite that we were soaked through and through and trembling with cold.

"We couldn't find our way back and we didn't want to end up going deeper into the woods in the dark", I said weakly.

"We thought we should stay put for the night, under a tree and try to keep each other warm", Jackie explained.

"You're like fucking Chip n' Dale, but at least it seems you had _one_ intelligent thought between you amidst all this incompetence", he said with furrowed brow. "You know, the road is fifty yards that direction, so if you had kept on walking a bit it wouldn't have been impossible to localise where you found yourselves. Now you have twenty people looking for you. In the rain. I bet they are as happy about that as I am. Come on, move."

I felt that I barely was able to walk even such a short distance. It felt like I was going to faint, and my legs were completely numb, but I did not want to complain and anger him further. Suddenly my tired feet stumbled on something in the dark and I fell on my face to the ground, unable to summon the energy to get up until I felt Captain James grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet with force.

"Are you all right, Dawes?" The harsh tone for a moment replaced with concern and sympathy and I thought I truly must seem pathetic to him if I evoked those feelings.

"I will be." I steeled myself and kept going but he did not let go of me and his strong arm around me both steadied me and disturbed me. The last thing I wanted was to seem helpless.

He was right, the road was max fifty yards away and relieved we slumped into the parked Land Rover. He threw us a blanket each and I was surprised he had been considerate enough to bring them. He immediately made a call to HQ to call off the search.

"Yes, I've found Dawes and Aston. They're safe and unharmed and I'll return them to barracks. You can abort the search."

When he reported that we were safe, I thought maybe I heard something more than annoyance in his voice. Perhaps relief, but I guess it was because he did not have to be out in the rain anymore and because it would not look good for a commander if two of his soldiers went missing here in the English woods. After ending the call, he spoke to us while driving.

"You seriously need to practice map reading and using compass. This was supposed to be an easy task, first exercise. A six-year-old would manage better than you two morons did."

Now I recognised him, the anger had returned to his voice and he spat the words out. I felt better now when I was sitting in a warm car with a blanket around me, though and felt I had to answer him.

"I'm not used to being in the woods. All the trees and animals sort of freaks me out and I get nervous and then I'm not able to focus properly…"

"I didn't ask for any lame excuses, Dawes. I don't care a fuck if you're a City girl who never saw a tree before. If you want to stay in, you'll just have to overcome your little forest phobia and learn how to read a map. We can't send out a search party every time you're in the woods. Next time, I'm expecting you to do better. Much better. You're really pushing my patience to the limit. Do I make myself clear?"

He did. There was no mercy, if I went lost another time and he had to come looking for me he would kick me out. Even if Jackie was my accomplice this time, she usually kept in line so naturally he saw me as the trouble maker. We stayed silent for the rest of the ride, happy to be in this car even if we had fallen out of grace. When we finally drove up and parked outside barracks, he turned and looked at us.

" I'll have someone send over something to eat because I assume you're starving. Now go get changed, get warm as quickly as you can. We don't want you to catch a cold…"

That was an unexpectedly nice comment to end with, but maybe he had reconsidered and thought he had been too harsh earlier.

"…because if you're in bed tomorrow due to this spectacular failure, I'll personally come and drag you up for an extra PT session no matter if you have fever or not. Now, piss off, you have annoyed me more than enough for one day. More than enough for an entire week come to think of it, so I recommend the two of you to keep a very low profile for the remainder."

We left the car like two, sad, soaking puppies. Being told off by Captain James left a bitter aftertaste and I told myself I would be the most attentive recruit during the map reading lessons going forward. He was our saviour of the day, but he sure felt like a very reluctant hero who would have preferred to kick our arses and leave us in the woods.

"Well, that went well, don't you think?" Jackie giggled as he drove off with squealing wheels.

"Fucking awesome."

We put our arms around each other's shoulders and knew one thing for sure, that no matter what, we were a team.

The other girls had stayed up, worriedly waited for our return and now welcomed us back with hugs and questions. When it was evident that we were safe, they all went to bed as it was in the middle of the night and we would be woken at the usual ungodly hour, whilst Jackie and I went to have a shower to try to warm up. The Army has ruined showers for me, so that if I shower for longer than ten seconds I expect someone to come shouting at me that I'm too slow, so when I had been in there for five minutes I felt I was done. Jackie on the other hand, fully enjoyed that for a change no one was clocking us and was still shampooing her hair when I left. I did not get far though. I stopped in my tracks in the corridor outside our room, because Captain James was leaning against the wall. He is very good at leaning, always looks like he is a model posing for some photo shoot but in very natural and easy manner. For a second, I just indulged in the view then wondered what he was doing here. Now he looked up and I realised that he had been waiting for us. I held my towel tighter around me, suddenly very aware of my lack of regulation clothes and the damp hair down my shoulders.

"Sir?"

"At ease, Dawes. It turned out there was no one in the kitchen at this hour so I made you some sandwiches and brought them."

He handed me something wrapped in paper which I assumed must be the sandwiches.

"_You_ made sandwiches for _us_?"

"It's a one-off, will never happen again. Don't tell anyone, then they might get the idea that getting lost in the woods is rewarded."

He gave me a wry smile and it might well have been the first time he smiled at me. Maybe the last too but I hoped not.

"Thanks."

Still holding on tightly to my towel with one hand, I took the package with the other and our fingers touched briefly. I saw him fix his eyes on my cheek, where I had scraped myself when I fell. He reached out his hand as if to touch my cheek but thought the better of it and returned it to his pocket.

"You got hurt, you should get a plaster on that."

"I will, I have one in the room."

He nodded, and I did not know what to say, I was not used to this surprisingly humane version of Captain James and did not know how to relate to him. He still did not move from the spot, instead chewed his lower lip like he was about to say something but hesitated if he really should.

"You got me fucking worried there for a while, Dawes. Don't do it again."

His words held a warning, but when I looked up into his eyes I saw an unexpected plea. I did not know what to say and he seemed to consider the conversation to be over with that, left his wall position and walked away, hands in pockets. I stood there holding a packet of sandwiches made by _him_, filled with a confusing mix of emotions and questions. If I had not been so exhausted, I'm quite sure that short conversation would have made it impossible to fall asleep because it went on repeat in my head. As it now was, I fell asleep before the springs hit the floor.

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After this colossal blunder I was desperate to do _something_ to improve Captain James' impression of me, to show him I had some other speciality than fuck-uppery. I just did not know what that special talent might be. Then I went and surprised even myself.

Another thing the Army is really serious about, besides polishing, ironing and PT, is to teach us how to appropriately handle a rifle. Skill At Arms, SAA, lessons are given step by step over several weeks and there is a Weapon Handling Test one has to pass before even being allowed to try live ammunition. During the first week, we were merely shown how to put on the rifle sling. Next, we got to hold the SA80A2 Assault Rifle for the first time and Geddings taught us Normal Safety Procedures, which is when we check to make sure the rifle is safe. That process is to be done before and after anything involving the rifle. Other lessons included load/unload and ready the rifle, learning about stoppages and how to remedy them. The detailed instructions were endless.

Some days later, it was time for a SAA lesson with James.

"Today I'm going to show you how to dismantle and assemble the rifle, followed by function tests to ensure the rifle works correctly afterwards. How many of you have tried this before?"

Captain James gaze wandered over us and I only saw the others shaking their heads, new at this like me.

"I'll demonstrate. Make sure you pay attention, because you'll have to repeat this afterwards."

With the swift touch of someone who had done this thousands of times he skilfully handled his rifle. Fascinated I stared at his hands at work, admiring them. Tanned and strong, the long fingers moved nimbly. I fleetingly wondered if those hands were equally skilled when he touched the woman he loved. Unfortunately, I forgot to focus on what they were demonstrating.

"So, that's how it's done." He was done already and now it was our turn.

"Who will go first?"

His brown eyes wandered over us again and nobody dared to look away because we knew that it for sure meant you would be picked. Naturally, he stopped on me.

"Dawes, you look like you're eager to start. Glad you're volunteering."

Oh, shit. I was so busted. There was a mischievous glimmer at the bottom of his eyes and I had a feeling he knew I had lost focus, even if he could not possibly know the cause of it.

Strange enough, when I touched the cold metal the shape felt familiar in my hands. It was like I instinctively knew what to do. I was done dismantling it almost as quickly as him.

He looked at me with utter surprise.

"You've done this before." He stated it like a fact, not a question.

"No, Sir. I was just very focused on your demonstration. You're a very good teacher."

Turned out when I'm nervous I can be a brown-noser.

"Well done then", he admitted reluctantly.

I could see he did not quite believe me but turned to the others.

"I hope the rest of you paid as good attention as Dawes, now have a try." He gave me another intense stare and I felt myself blushing. How the hell could I be good at this?

While the others started practicing the dismantling, Captain James came over to me.

"You can start assembling it as you're already done and obviously got the hang of it."

"Won't you show me?"

"Surprisingly, you seem to be a natural. Why don't you have a guess and I'll tell you if you do it wrong instead."

"Okay."

He was right, I was a natural, holding the rifle I thought it was easy to figure out how to reverse the process and assemble the different components again. He did not correct me once and when I was done I looked up on him, found his eyes fixed on me, with a questioning expression.

"I'm asking one more time. You're sure you've never done this Dawes?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then I've never come across someone with a similar aptitude for learning how to do this. You were nearly as quick as me."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No." He was quiet for a moment. "But I I'm not sure where I have you Dawes. I don't like that."

So, he was not able to place me in a box and it disturbed his sense of order. I could live with that.

It did not end there. I surprised myself and him again a couple of weeks later when we were to test firing on a free range for the first time. The goal was to simply make sure all of your rounds hit as close to each other as possible. After the experience with the clay pigeons I did not expect to be good at this, but I also knew that Captain James presence had disturbed me that time, so I thought the best thing was to get it done when he was as far away as possible, assisting one of the other girls. I did my best to get into the zone, aimed and fired. Tried to focus on my round groupings. By the time I finished James was behind me.

"A bit previous there, Dawes. You were supposed to wait for me or Geddings to show you individually. Did you miss that part of the instruction?"

"Sorry, Sir. I felt I knew how to do from the general demonstration Geddings did."

"Let's review your grouping then."

He retrieved the target paper and scrutinised it before he handed it to me with an expression which was hard to interpret. I just stared at it. My grouping was amazing, and I had no idea how I had done it.

"You still claim you've never done this, Dawes?"

"Yes, Sir. I'm as surprised as you."

"It's a substantial improvement from when you were shooting clay pigeons."

"I was a bit distracted that day, Sir."

"Seems like it. Today, your focus was… impressive. Well done, Dawes. Seems like you're proving yourself as a soldier."

He left me in shock, both over my own achievement and over his praise. I tried again and again, and it turned out it was not beginner's luck. Each time my grouping was nearly perfect. It seemed like I was a natural excellent shooter and I had found a way to impress Captain James whether he liked it or not. It was one of the proudest moments in my life.

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**_A/N: I had intended for them to get a bit further into training in this chapter, but it turned out so much was happening so the chapter got long and I'll continue in next. Hope you enjoy even if it progresses slowly._**

**_X_**


	10. Chapter 10: Banter and sorrow

**Chapter 10: Banter and sorrow**

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During our first weekend at barracks we were introduced to the Welfare Centre - a recreational area with pool tables, computer games, DVD's and ping pong table. During the little spare time we had, this was where we could go to wind down, hang out with our own troop and other recruits, including the boys.

Even if most of us were very focused on our training, there was clearly flirty banter going on between male and female recruits once we were allowed to relax for a bit. I took part in the banter for fun but was not interested in any of the lads for real and I think they pretty quickly realised that despite my blonde hair I did not live up to the stereotype of an easily accessible blonde. Passing through Phase 1 was far too important to me to let myself be distracted by boys. Soon they seemed to accept me as a fellow soldier, friend and equal, especially when it became known I was a mean shooter, and that was just the way I wanted it. In the past, boys had only ever wanted _one_ thing from me and I had given it in a vain attempt to get confirmation I was worth anything, but it had only left me feeling hollow. It was a great change to be accepted for who I was rather than what I had between my thighs and keeping it that way made my self-confidence grow gradually.

Besides wanting to focus on the training, these guys my own age also seemed like immature, testosterone-filled studs and none of them exerted any real appeal on me, so it did not feel like a sacrifice not to date anyone. There was only one man here in Pirbright who sometimes occupied my thoughts and I did my best to shut him out of my head because he was the last one I needed there, except in the capacity of my commander. Yet, it was difficult not to reminisce our nightly conversation in the corridor, the way he nearly touched my face and expressed his concerns for me. He had done nothing of the sort again, totally snapped back into his harsh Captain mode. I knew it had only been a passing concern for one of his soldiers, but I could not forget the look in his eyes in that moment.

One evening after block inspection was done, I hung out with Katie, Jackie and Gita on a soggy sofa in the Welfare Centre. The conversation theme of the evening was _boys_, an interesting topic to discuss as we all were singles but had different takes on it. Katie was the shy type, a sturdy girl with very straight, fair hair and kind but far from beautiful features; square-shaped face, snub nose and thin lips. That was until one knew her inside - once you did, you realised she was a star and forgot she was not exactly photogenic. She had admitted that she never had a boyfriend for real and claimed she did not fancy any of the boys around now either, whilst clarifying this did not mean she was gay.

"Are you sure you don't fancy _any_ of the guys here? I got this vibe that you and Robson were eyeing each other up the other day in the mess", Jackie smirked, and Katie's face turned slightly red which was funny because she was always so composed otherwise.

I had not noticed anything in the mess, but now that Jackie mentioned it I thought that Katie and Daniel Robson might be a very good match both in temper and looks. He was a dark, tall, quite heavy yet nice-looking bloke, who seemed reliable and calm and usually kept in the background when the loudest ones pissed about. Almost everyone looked tiny next to him, but he did not seem to have the need to assert himself.

"We weren't eyeing each other up!" Katie protested.

"Okay, then only he was."

"Did he really?"

"I thought you didn't care?"

If possible, Katie had turned even more red.

"I didn't say I do, I just wondered…"

"Katie, there's no harm admitting you _might_ think someone is a little bit cute. It doesn't come with any strings attached, we won't judge you for it and I won't tease you either if you don't like it. And honestly, I _do_ think he was looking at you for quite some time."

"No one ever likes me."

"There's a first for everything."

Jackie smiled, then gave Katie some slack and turned to Gita. Gita's appearance was quite the opposite of Katie's. She was thin in the way almost only Asian girls can be without looking anorectic, because they have a different, delicate bone structure. Her skin tone was like she had a constant glowing tan and she had shiny black hair which fell heavy all the way down to her waist when she let it out in the evenings. Her brown eyes were huge and all in all she was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.

"Gita, I know you're single, but aren't you promised to marry someone or something? I thought that was how it worked out among most Indians, that the parents arrange a marriage. Or is that just a myth?"

Gita looked amused and answered in her singing accent.

"That is true for many, but not for me because I'm doing it my way. My parents don't like it, but I give them no choice. We moved to UK when I was in my teens and I realised there were other choices here than there would have been home in India. I'm not marrying an Indian guy of their choice, maybe I won't get married at all – and I didn't really have their blessing to join the Army, but I did and they love me anyway."

I admired that she was so strong.

"Does that mean you don't fancy any of the lads here either?" Jackie inquired.

Gita giggled.

"I didn't say that, surprisingly I do."

"Who?" Now I was curious. I was quite sure Gita would be able to get anyone she pointed at here.

"It disturbs me a bit, but I like Pawar."

Yogesh Pawar was the only male recruit of Indian origin.

"Pawar! Why does it disturb you?"

"Because my mum and dad would really like him!" Gita laughed. "I never date guys they like, so I have to stay away from him."

We all laughed about her predicament.

"And you Jackie?" Gita apparently thought Jackie had asked enough questions and deserved some in return.

"Oh, there are a few of the guys who are all right, but I have a crush on someone I shouldn't."

"Who?" we all demanded to know.

Now _she_ blushed in cutest way.

"If I tell, please don't tease me about it because it's bad enough as it is."

We all pinkie promised, she took a deep breath and whispered.

"I have a crush on Geddings."

"What? On _Corporal _Geddings?!"

"Is there another? I know it's crazy, but I just can't help it."

It was not that strange really. He was only a few years older than us even if his field experience made him seem older and definitely more mature than our fellow male squaddies. With his dark hair, brown eyes and fit physique he was absolutely a hunk and more and more often he let his sense of humour shine through from behind the officer façade. Now when Jackie admitted she had feelings for him, I could very well imagine them together as a couple even if it had not crossed my mind before.

"Are you going to do anything about it?"

"No!" She looked horrified. "I would never dare, and you know it couldn't happen, at least not as long as he's our trainer. Even if he wanted to, Captain James would probably flog him if he found out."

We all giggled because we knew that was true.

"Honestly, I don't think I'd stand a chance after passing out either, so it's all just stupid but I really, really like him."

"Do you think he has a girlfriend?" Gita asked.

"I have no clue. I mean, no one wears any rings around here, so you don't even know if they're married."

"I think he's single", Katie said. "I heard him and James talk about what they were doing over the weekend. James asked if Geddings had any girl to meet up and he said no, he was just to hang out with friends."

I silently wondered what Captain James' plans had been but did not ask.

"Maybe you can try to flirt a bit with him towards the end Jackie, try the waters." Gita suggested.

"I really don't think I will", she claimed but it was easy to see that Katie's news that he seemed to be single had made her happy.

Jackie was a really smart, kind, funny and pretty girl. Not pretty in the way that one saw it immediately, but when you kept looking at her face you would notice that her amazing blue eyes with well-shaped shaped eyebrows, the straight nose and plump lips were all in perfect harmony and then she fired off her killer smile and turned into a real beauty. Any guy in his right mind would be glad to call her his girlfriend, but of course it would be daunting to make a pass at a superior officer.

"How about you, Molly?" Katie asked. "Do you have any secret crush too?"

Even after what Jackie had said, I could not bear to confess who my thoughts sometimes strayed to. Not only was he higher up in rank and even more unapproachable, he was married and had a son too. They did not know that, but _I_ did since the visit to his parents' house. He was the most distant and handsome man I had ever met and any feelings for him were simply so ridiculous that I could not even think of it without feeling embarrassed. Putting them into words was more than I could bear.

"Nope, not interested in anyone. Focusing at passing through."

"I think Chris Ingram is interested in you", Jackie smiled. Chris Ingram was a recruit I had beaten in ping-pong a week ago, and he had actually proposed that we should continue the evening a bit more privately behind barracks. A quick shag had not tempted me at all though and I smilingly told him to sod off. I had been very pleased to be back in my own bed instead that evening, not at all regretted turning down the offer.

"You don't miss sex?" Jackie asked. "I mean, you literally have not been in bed with anyone for more than four years."

Gita looked shocked and even Katie surprised.

"Thanks for flaunting my lack of sex life, Jackie. It's not like I chose it, it just happened. Sure, sometimes I long to be close to someone, but not just sex with a random guy I don't have feelings for. And I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship, my last did not end well."

I knew Jackie wondered if I meant Artan or the divorce that never really happened and I was not sure myself, but she was sensitive enough not to ask that at least. Katie and Gita did not know the full story yet even if I surely would share it with them some day.

"But you need to move on Molly, we clearly need to find you someone, at least a fling. I have my secret crush, Gita fancies Pawar and I'm sure Katie fancies Robson even if she won't admit it. _You_ need a flirt too even if nothing serious comes out of it."

"I warn you, if you start messing with my love life, I'll start messing with yours and tell Geddings he has an admirer", I giggled.

Jackie threw a cushion at me.

"You wouldn't!"

"Don't try me."

I thought to myself that I actually did not care if she tried to meddle a bit, as long as it kept others from ever finding out my true feelings.

* * *

During our fourth week in training, it was time for an excursion called the Realities of War trip, which included a trip to the Army Medical Services Museum and getting a lecture from a retired Major about World War I, then ending with a visit to Brookwood cemetery, the largest military cemetery in the UK. We were a happy group starting off in the coach, almost feeling like we were going on a school trip, but by the time we got to Brookwood, we had all quieted in reverence of what was to come. Even if I knew before that it was a huge cemetery, it had not been possible to imagine what it was like in reality. 235 000 people rested here for eternity and it was a place of such immense sadness, but also of serene beauty. Perfect rows of white crosses stretched out in all directions over perfect lawns and it was difficult to grasp that each of them symbolised the lost life of a man or woman who had died for their country.

After a small remembrance service with a Padre, we were allowed to walk around freely for a while and I chose to stroll away from the others on my own, felt like thinking in silence. I did not know anyone who was buried here. I might have some distant relative who had died in any of the World Wars, but no one I knew of – yet I felt sad. Sad that all these people had died, most of them likely far too young and surely missed by someone. As I strolled down the paths, I reached some kind of mausoleum and sat down on the cold stone steps for a while. I don't know how long I had been sitting there when someone sat down beside me, and I turned around and to my surprise found that it was Captain James. He was not looking at me, his gaze was fixed in a far horizon beyond the graves and I had no clue why he had sought my company.

"You're unusually quiet, Dawes. It's not like you", he said.

"How can I be anything else, in the presence of all this?" I nodded towards the rows of crosses.

"Did you know anyone who lies here?"

"No, but it's all so sad anyway that it makes me want to cry."

"Me too", he surprisingly admitted.

"Did _you_ know anyone who is buried here?"

"Yes."

I was not sure if I should ask more or if that would be nosy, but in the end I did.

"Someone you knew well? A good friend?"

"Guys I served with, but some of them I considered as friends too."

He seemed to hesitate briefly, then said;

"Come."

He got to his feet and apparently expected me to join him. He knew his way here and even if I had no idea how he could know where to go among all these crosses, he soon found his way to one specific grave and stopped.

_Geraint Smith _the inscription on the cross said.

"Who was he?"

"He was a private in the section I commanded during my third tour in Afghan. The Taliban shot him in the neck when we were out patrolling, and he was killed instantly. I didn't see it coming. You know, we try to stay focused and alert out there the whole time but sometimes that isn't enough, and they get one of us. I don't want you to get deterred by this trip, but it's only fair that you all realise what you get yourself into. There are risks with being a soldier. On a good day it is far from glamorous, on a bad day it can cost your or your mate's life. Do you get that, Dawes?"

"I do. I think I did before but even more after today."

"And how do you feel about it?"

"Terrified I guess… but I still want to continue."

"Fair enough, don't say I didn't warn you." He gave me a bleak smile.

"Are you supposed to do that, Sir?"

"I don't know, but I only think we should have soldiers who have a clue what the job means."

We stood silent for a while.

"What happened to him? Geraint, after he was shot?"

"I had to crawl two hundred metres to get him back with us. I couldn't bear to leave him to the Taliban, so he lies here. It's not just an empty casket, he's really buried here for what it's worth. I doesn't make up for him dying, or his mum missing him, but it was all I could do."

In the corner of my eye I saw him raise his hand to his face and when I turned I realised he was wiping away tears that silently trailed down his cheeks. Then he looked into my eyes and for the first time I felt like he was dropping his guard and let me look _inside_ him. I was not prepared for that and it rocked my world.

"I was supposed to get them all home safe. He was so young, and he was in my charge. I know it's part of the job, but I'll never really forgive myself for letting it happen. I've wished so many times they had shot me instead."

His voice broke but he resumed talking.

"When I returned home from that tour I felt like half a man, I suffered from PTSD for a while and got treatment for it. I'm all right now, but every time I come here I'm reminded there is just this hole in my heart and an even larger in his mum's."

The façade of this man, who usually seemed invincible, crackled in front of me and it broke my heart to see him like this. Even more so because I realised that he normally bottled all his feelings up so completely. I almost did not dare to speak because I was afraid he would realise he was exposing himself in front of one of his recruits, regret it and run off. I wanted to step into him and give him a big hug. Physically only a small step would have been needed, yet it felt impossible because I was sure he would immediately come to his senses and push me away. An officer cannot allow himself to be hugged by a private. But I had to do something, I could not just leave him be, with tears streaming down his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for him, for his family and for you, but you did everything you could", I whispered.

He kept looking at me with tearful eyes filled with emotions and then I could not stop myself. I reached out my hand to cup one side of his face and with the pad of my thumb wiped away his tears. Maybe he was too sad to care, maybe it was pure shock that made him freeze, but either way he did not flinch, did not back away. We just stood there with eyes locked, his cold cheek against my palm, until his tears stopped and I removed my hand.

He did not excuse himself for crying. I did not aplogise for touching him. Instead we just returned to the others in silence and did not mention it with another word.

* * *

**_A/N: So, a bit of developing friendship with the girls and a bit of getting to know CJ better. Hope you enjoyed!_**


	11. Chapter 11: Captain (not so) Charming

**_A/N: As always thanks for the reviews and glad you seemed to enjoy their alone-time at the cemetery. Been occupied with really tedious cleaning of the house most of today, but fortunately not demanding much of my brain capacity so I could keep thinking of this instead._**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Captain (not so) Charming**

* * *

It was predictable, but it hurt a bit anyway despite that I always tell myself I'm hard as nails, not a soft fool. After the unexpected but special moment at the cemetery Captain James turned more distant than ever and did not acknowledge what had happened in any shape or form. I was the fool for being hurt because it was only what could be expected.

In the weeks that followed we were never alone, and I got the feeling he deliberately made sure of that. He avoided looking me in the eyes. Whenever he addressed me he kept his gaze fixed at a point slightly above and beyond my shoulder, so it would seem to others like he looked at me, but our eyes never actually met. The only things he said to me were phrases like; 'Do you call this an immaculate locker, Dawes? Do it again and do it better, new inspection in an hour'; 'That's twenty-five press-ups for you, Dawes' and; 'That's not a ditch, that's cover and you're going in'. Not that he did not say those things to others, but I had the feeling he said them more often to me and always using his harshest voice. When the other girls pointed out that I really must have done something to piss him off, I knew I was not imagining.

I understood that he wished he could take back his tears and what he spontaneously had shared with me. As that was not an option, he did what he thought was the second-best approach; pretended it had not happened, shut me off and treated me tougher than ever. Maybe he just wanted to ensure I did not live under the false impression we now were mates, or maybe he hoped he would push me to throw in the towel and quit, so he would not have to see me anymore, but I just gritted my teeth and felt even more determined to pass through. I would not let an emotional fuckwit who regretted showing feelings ruin this for me, so I just re-made my locker to perfection, endured those press-ups and with a cheerful smile entered that muddy ditch. I was determined he would never break me, but some days were really hard.

Today was drill, aiming for perfection for the 6-week cap badge ceremony. Apparently, he did not think I kept up the same pace as the others and shouted so it echoed over the square;

"Dawes! If you don't increase your step, I'm going to stick this pace stick through your ears and ride you round this parade square like a shagging motorbike."

It was not as bad as it may sound to a civilian, that was the type of language commonly used here. I come from a foul-mouthed family but initially I had been slightly shocked how the officers and the recruits who already had been here for some time spoke. The frequent use and inventiveness of profanities was astounding. After a while I realised it did not mean much, it was just the way it was and a strange contrast to the polished order and the myth of gentlemen officers.

Sometimes, when the words came from Captain James they got to me though and today was such a day. _I'm not the only one he talks to like that, I'm not the only one. It does not mean he hates me, just that he is an asshole_, I told myself and fought the tears that were pricking on the back of my eyelids. I got that he wanted to keep a professional distance, but did he really have to be a jerk about it? It felt so unfair because I knew I had done nothing to deserve it, just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and tried to be nice. I was tired today and he got to me, but I could not afford to let him. Maybe even he thought he had singled me out too brusquely because as an afterthought he added;

"As for the rest of you, I want to see STRAIGHT arms, or I'm going to rip your arm off and slap you with the soggy end! Do you hear me?"

He was rewarded with a unison 'Yes, Sir' and everyone made sure there was not the slightest bend of arms. The others getting barked at too made me feel slightly better and I focused on the burning pain building up from the lactic acid as we moved on to the dreaded 'mark time' - marching on the spot. I preferred physical pain to hurt feelings any day. I knew very well he would never look at me in a romantic kind of way, but for a while I had fooled myself thinking that he saw me as a fellow human being who he could show a bit of himself to. I would not make that mistake again. I would have liked to know him better, would have liked to ask how it worked out with the PTSD, how he had felt, how he got help, wondered if his wife had supported him in it, if PTSD was the reason rather than his physical injury that he stayed here for now – but I realised I would never get to ask him any of those questions because he had no wish or need whatsoever for me to _be there_ for him. I was no one to Captain James.

* * *

Week six and we were all excited because there would be the ceremony when we would receive our Phase 1 cap badge for the first six weeks in front of our families and then we would be allowed to go home for a long weekend. It would be the first time meeting our families and leaving Pirbright since we first got here and the prospect of meeting them soon made me realise how much I missed them all. Of course, we spoke on the phone and texted regularly, so I knew that mum and dad kept doing well on their jobs, Bella had a new boyfriend, Simon had failed his latest math test and Nan had an exciting love life, but that was not the same as seeing them in person.

The morning of the ceremony day we spent preparing so we would look really smart, making sure our barrack dresses were immaculate and our shoes shining. We had a kit inspection from the Regimental Adjutant and I just barely passed because he sneered my shoes should have been even shinier, but in the end the full troop passed.

When it finally was time for the ceremony, we marched on as a squadron. I saw the whole Dawes clan in the corner of my eye but did not dare to look at them, afraid to make a mistake. This would be the worst day for tick-tocking and provoking the wrath of Captain James. Thank God, no disasters occurred and when I sneaked a peak at Captain James and Corporal Geddings they even looked a bit proud. One by one we received the coveted cap badges to rounds of applause. I had made it through the first part of Phase 1 and felt so immensely proud. Just as I received my cap badge, I met Captain James eyes over the shoulder of the Regimental Adjutant and defiantly raised my chin, silently telling him he had not managed to scare me off and he could go fuck himself. Surprisingly, I thought I saw a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

After marching off the square, we were finally allowed to see our families for real. Mum, dad, Nan, Bella, Jade, Simon and Will were all here today and they all hugged me long and hard.

"I'm so proud of you", dad said when he held me. I never had thought I would hear him say that, especially not over this and I felt a lump in my throat.

"Look at you Molls, you look so well. You might be a bit on the thin side though, are they giving you enough to eat?" Mum was more predictable.

"We get enormous portions, mum. It's just that we exercise a lot too, we have PT every day", I smiled. It was so nice to have someone worrying about me for a change.

"My little Molls", Nan said. "I can't believe you're a soldier."

"I'm not yet, only when I'm through this basic training."

"Is it hard?" Simon asked, for once looking a bit impressed over something.

"You'd never make it, even if you were fit enough they'd throw you out in a day because you're such a smart-mouth."

"How come you're still here then?"

We grinned at each other.

"Nan, I want to hear all the details about Bill this weekend."

"Oh, you will, I promise." She smiled mischievously, and I suspected I might get to hear even more details than I wanted. Nan is not known for her tact and discretion.

Since I left, things had changed at home and Nan almost did not live in Newham anymore. She had practically moved in with Bill in Bath. Her first visit had been a complete success and the week after we returned home she had taken the train back to Bath on her own and their budding relationship had continued to flourish. Now she and Bill had been going out for a couple of months and she seemed very happy and in love with a new glow to her wrinkly face. Sometimes I thought it was tragic my Nan had a more thriving love life than me, but I was really happy for her and knew it was my own choice not to be involved with anyone so there was nothing to be bitter about really.

Corporal Geddings and Captain James strolled around, doing some kind of tour around the square to introduce themselves to all the families of their troop. I thought that Captain James probably had preferred to skip mine if common courtesy had allowed it, but as it was he and Geddings suddenly stood beside us.

"Will you introduce us to your family, Dawes?" Geddings requested and to my surprise both of them were all smiles. It seemed like Captain James found it fitting to play Captain Charming for a while. Maybe he did not want to make our families worry about what kind of treatment we got here. Bloody hypocrite. He was absolutely gorgeous when he smiled though and my stomach fluttered in a disconcerting way. It was really for the better when he looked angry.

"These are my commanding officers and trainers during Phase 1, Corporal Geddings and Captain James."

Simon looked impressed, Bella's eyes nearly popped out at the sight of the handsome men, mum and dad looked slightly awkward, but Nan unabashedly enjoyed the company of two young good-looking men, too old and confident to care they were out her league and officers.

"Well, isn't it nice of you to come and say hello! I'm Fran but everybody says Nan, and this is Dave and Belinda, Bella, Simon, Jade and Will."

The two officers kept smiling and shook the hand she reached out and she kept rambling on how they had all squeezed themselves into one car and driven all the way from London but it had been worth it to get to see me here today and they were so proud, and who could have thought that any of the Dawes would join the Army, but now that I had she was sure I would be an excellent solider and make my family and my commanders very proud of me. James and Geddings listened attentively, nodded politely and kept smiling, did not in any way indicate they thought she was silly or talking too much.

"Because she's the best!" Nan ended and put her arm around my shoulder, squeezing it and totally ignored the embarrassed flush on my cheeks. "I hope you're taking good care of our Molls", she then ended in stern voice and drilled her gaze into Captain James and Geddings.

I could not help letting out a little snort. Even if I loved it here in some perverse masochistic way, Captain James could hardly claim he was taking care of me.

"I think we take as good care of her as we do of all our recruits", was Geddings diplomatic answer and Nan seemed to find his wide smile reassuring enough.

Captain James remained silent for a short while and for some reason I saw him stiffen, his body language suddenly less relaxed than it had been seconds earlier and the smile vanished.

"Molls?" he then repeated for some reason.

"Molly – that's my name. Believe it or not, Sir, but outside these walls I'm not known as Dawes."

"No, I suppose you wouldn't be. I just never knew…"

His words trailed off and his face remained serious and closed and he looked at me in a strange way as if my first name somehow had been offensive to him. Very weird reaction.

"Well, I suppose there are more beautiful names but…"

"Excuse me", he interrupted and gave a short nod to my family and strode off, leaving me puzzled as to what just had happened. Sometimes I really could not figure him out. Correction, most of the time I had no clue what was going on is head, on rare occasions I had thought I might have an idea but probably fooled myself even then. Geddings looked a bit perplexed and also excused himself, but in a nicer manner and went on to greet the other families. My family seemed oblivious to that something strange had occurred.

"Now, that was two handsome nice young men!" Nan elbowed me and gave me an indiscrete wink.

"They're my commanding officers, Nan. And I'm not sure, they're all that nice either."

At least not one of them.

"Still handsome, especially the Captain."

"But strictly off limits and could you even imagine a Rupert like him ever looking at me? Any of them?" I laughed but did not think it was that funny really.

"Oh, I easily could Molly because you're the most amazing girl I know."

"Well, I couldn't and anyway the Captain is married with a kid, so you can forget any match making if that's what's on your mind."

"I just got this vibe…"

"No, Nan, I can assure you, you're mistaken. There's _nothing_ there. I'm like this annoying buzzing little mosquito to him and he'll be relieved to be rid of me when these fourteen weeks are over if he doesn't crush me already before that. Just as I'll be relieved not having him constantly terrorising me."

"Sure about that?" she grinned.

Of course, I was not. Even if the feelings I had for him were futile, the thought of not even seeing him anymore scared me. I knew I would miss him, miss even his stern face and his bollocking, but mostly miss those few times when he had shown me other sides of him. I wanted to get to know that person but doubted that I ever would get the chance.

"And Geddings then?"

"Geddings is nicer but there's absolutely nothing going on with him and me or any of the recruits either, that's not the way it works. They would even be punished for it, so just drop it Nan. I didn't join the Army to find myself a bloke."

"I know you didn't, but it could be a perk, and with so many men around…"

"Nan, shut up." I turned to the others. "Now, do you want me to give you an exclusive tour of Army Training Centre Pirbright?"

Me and the rest of the troop now were to put on a demonstration to our families giving an insight into the sort of things we had been learning the past six weeks, from our different uniforms to ration packs to setting up a basha on exercise. I took pride in showing them and they were duly impressed, but towards the end I was feeling eager to leave, to go home.

"If you've seen enough, I'll just go get my bergen. You can go to the car and I'll catch up with you."

I hurried across the parade ground towards our block but outside I ran into Captain James and Geddings, apparently done with the polite mingling for the day. Embarrassed I stopped in my tracks because I had forgotten I was supposed to march. Luckily, they seemed willing to turn a blind eye to it.

"Are you leaving now, Dawes?" Geddings just asked. Captain James said nothing and as usual did not meet my eyes. Now, when the families were not there to impress, there was definitely no smile.

"Yes, it's time to crack on. It will be a long drive with my whole family in the car."

"They seem to be a happy bunch."

"A quite annoying bunch if you spend too much time with them in a confined space."

"So, you're excited to leave, Dawes?" Still only Geddings doing the talking.

"I am, but not as excited as you might think."

"How come is that?" Now James finally uttered a few words, but his body language with arms crossed over his chest indicated he would rather do something else than talking to me.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"It may seem unlikely, but I like being here. Like the routines, like my friends. I'll miss it."

"So, you'll miss an early morning PT with us?" Geddings said mockingly and his eyes twinkled. I could really see why Jackie fancied him.

I knew I would miss them, with or without PT. Geddings I liked more and more for each day, but in a very uncomplicated platonic way. Captain James I had such mixed feelings for; he was dreadful most of the time yet there was something about him I liked. Like something you know is bad for you but still want more of – like chocolate or crisps or a delicious but very strong drink. I knew I would miss him in a way a soldier is not supposed to miss her commander.

"I will, and admit it, you'll miss not having _me_ around winding you up." I reserved my smile for Geddings and did not look at James.

"I'll admit to nothing of the sort. I'll have a very relaxing weekend without you constantly trying my patience, Dawesy", Geddings grinned.

"Dawesy?" I giggled.

"What?"

"You just called me Dawesy. I'm clearly winning you round with my incredible charm and magnetism."

"Yeah, right." Geddings said, still grinning in a very charming way and not looking the least offended. If this conversation had occurred in a bar I would almost have called it flirty and I was not sure how it had ended up that way. Unsurprisingly, Captain James seemed to think the banter was far too friendly between an officer and a private, because his eyes had turned dark and he snapped;

"Piss off then Dawes and go get your bergen. Don't keep your family waiting."

No 'Dawesy' there, nope. Also unsurprising. Even Geddings frowned a bit like he thought the Captain was being harsher than was called for.

"See you early Monday morning, Dawes, like you claim to like it." Geddings added friendly and Captain James bestowed him another stern look. I imagined he would be told off later for being too soft with a recruit.

"Have an amazing weekend, Corporal, Captain" I saluted them, determined to be my nicest self just to spite him, turned and scurried away, marching this time. I knew that if it had been James instead of Geddings saying all those kind words to me I would have been over the moon but clearly, he would never warm to me like that.

* * *

"Bella, would you help me out?"

She looked up from her magazine and I held out a bottle of hair dye.

"Will you?"

"Brown, seriously? Blondes have more fun, you know."

"Chestnut. Going back to my roots so to say, and I honestly doubt blondes have more fun. Not the kind of fun I want anyway. I just don't feel like this fake platinum blonde anymore."

"Are you sure?"

My hair had grown during the six weeks in Pirbright and my own colour was showing at the roots, so it had come to the point when I needed to do something about it not to look like a shabby tart. This time I really did not feel like keeping up the blonde. I would go back to my natural colour and I honestly did not care shit anymore if Captain James thought it had to do with his Barbie comment. With the rate he kept throwing insults at us, especially me, it anyway seemed unlikely he would remember one specific, uttered several weeks ago.

"One hundred per cent."

One hour later I looked myself in the mirror, hair still damp and now dark. For the first time since I got out of hospital I felt totally in tune with the person who looked back at me. This was really _me_ and I felt good about the young woman I now was, both outside and inside.

* * *

**_A/N: In the research for this chapter I read an article called "10 phrases you only hear in the Army". I must say they seem to use very bad language, but also found it really amusing so I could not resist including some phrases in CJ's repertoire. Poor recruits, their ears must fall off. And poor Molly, but it would be too early for them to get too close I think. In addition to me enjoying him being a bit of a dickhead (and her defiant!), I think it would be natural for him to regret he had shown weakness and allowed himself to be touched by her – plus I think he might be confused over the whole thing and he does not like that. _**


	12. Chapter 12: Wuthering heights

**Chapter 12: Wuthering heights**

* * *

After a great weekend at home I returned to Pirbright Sunday evening, to be met by the girls and the message that we were expected to be ready for a PT session Monday morning zero five hundred. I could almost hear Geddings' friendly laughter in my head, mockingly saying; _Early, as you claim you like it_.

This particular morning, I did _not _like it. Treating myself to sleep-ins for three consecutive mornings had swiftly ruined my routines and morale and I found it extremely hard to get up and get prepared. Luckily, my PT kit was already ironed with perfect creases back and front on the shorts, otherwise I would have been screwed. The chilly morning air outside and Captain James standing before us soon made me more alert.

"Welcome back, I hope you all had a good weekend with your loved ones, but now you belong to me and Corporal Geddings again until passing out. You've made it through the first six weeks of Phase 1 and that means you have at least shown some signs of being soldier material. Well done, but that doesn't mean you can allow yourself to slack now, remember that. I hope you haven't grown too comfy during the past days because you have a challenging PT ahead of you."

It was unusually encouraging words coming from James, but maybe it was so that by receiving our 6-week cap badge we had proven to him we were not a complete waste of rations. As he talked, his eyes moved over us and when he passed me, he briefly looked astonished before he returned to his normal emotionless expression. Five o'clock in the morning my brain was not yet fully functional and first I had no clue what had provoked the reaction, then I remembered my hair colour and allowed myself an internal smirk and high-five because I had managed to make him show any reaction at all. Not that I knew if it meant he liked it or not, but it did not matter much. I just enjoyed that I had managed to surprise him. With the perspective that three days away from Pirbright and him had given me, I had landed in two conclusions; 1) I was going to make it through basic training at any cost 2) I would achieve it while annoying Captain James as much as I possibly could without getting kicked out because he was a jackass and deserved it.

* * *

This week we were to try two new exciting and challenging activities; the zip wire and the outdoors assault course.

I had been looking forward to the zip wire because I thought it looked like great fun. One by one we were to climb up to a platform high up in the air, strap on a harness, drop and glide seventy metres in high speed along the angled cable to a landing zone. I was not the first in line and saw Jackie, Gita, Katie and some of my other mates do the climb to the platform and after a brief hesitation throw themselves out in the air and screaming and laughing make their way to the ground. I expected to do the same when it was my turn.

"Dawes, you're up next", Geddings told me and I started the climb.

First, everything was fine, but as I climbed higher up and by mistake glanced towards the ground and realised how far away it was, I felt cold sweat breaking out and suddenly I was a bit shaky and dizzy. I did not look down again and terrified of slipping climbed all the way to the platform, but once I was there, there was no escape. I looked out over the edge and the ground was so far away, the rest of the troop, Geddings and James so tiny. I had never found myself at such a great height before and faced with it, I realised I was afraid of heights. Worst possible situation for this flaw of mine to reveal itself. I wanted to just pull myself together and throw myself out in that harness like the others had, but I could not make it. Instead I fell into pieces, trembled, hyperventilated and had to sit down – placed myself as much in the centre of the platform as I could. I did not even care about the consequences, all I felt was panic and the urge to stay as far away from the platform edge as I possibly could. I was not capable of climbing down either, I was trembling so much I for sure would lose my grip, fall and break my neck. I heard them shouting at me from below, but it sounded very distant and I was unable to care.

"DAWES?"

Startled I pulled my head up from between my knees where I had it hidden, sitting curled up in a ball. Oh, great. Joined by Captain James. How I wished it was Geddings who had made the climb instead.

"What the fuck is going on Dawes? You've been up here for over ten minutes and you don't respond when we're talking to you."

The last thing I needed right now was his judging brown eyes on me and his bollocking.

"Why did _you _come? Couldn't you have sent Geddings?" Too afraid of the situation to fear him.

"Why Geddings?" he asked, frowning his brow.

Had I not known it to be impossible, I would have said he almost sounded jealous and had the situation been different I would have been amused.

"Because he doesn't hate me."

He agilely heaved himself up on the platform and sat down beside me, mimicking my position with arms wrapped around knees although not as cramped as me, his side touching mine. He chose to ignore my comment.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Turns out I'm afraid of heights. I didn't know. I can't… I can't move. I _want _to, but I can't… I can't even climb down again… I'm sorry."

I felt extremely silly as I said it, but when I glanced at him, his expression shifted from annoyed to concerned. He did not yell at me to pull myself together, instead he spoke with low soothing voice.

"You'll be all right, Dawes. You'll make it. I'll stay here until you calm down and then you'll make it."

"I'm not sure I _can_ calm down, I think might gonna have to stay here. Why did _you_ come? I didn't want _you_ to come."

"I got that the first time you said it." He looked down and chewed his bottom lip.

"Why didn't you send Geddings instead? You're the last person I need up here with me. You hate me, you want me to fail. You must love to see me break down like this."

I said this in desperation and it was partly a lie; I would have _thought _he was the last person I wanted up here, yet it felt strangely safe now that he was here.

He was quiet for a while.

"I don't hate you and I don't want you to fail, Dawes."

I took in his words, felt a flutter of joy, then tried to figure out what his behaviour over the past weeks then meant.

"Then why? It feels like you always find a reason to be mad at me, no matter what I do, ever since…"

"…since the cemetery", he ended my sentence.

"Yeah…" I swallowed hard. "You see, it's not like I expected we would be mates after that, Sir. I know what _you _are and what _I _am, and I realise we'll never be friends. I'm not stupid. I understand you wish you hadn't cried in front of me or told me those things, but it's not like I would hold it against you or tell any of the others. You just seemed to need a friendly pat right then, and I gave it, that's all. I tried to be kind and you treat me like shit after that. I didn't deserve that, I really don't think I did."

I took a deep breath, tense waited for his response.

"I know I've been a bit of a dickhead." He finally said and sighed. "Okay, more than just a bit, I'll admit to that. I didn't mean for it to be like that, I just..."

He shook his head, like he could not quite believe he was having this conversation where he was explaining his behaviour to one of his recruits.

"I'm always tough with my men until they've proven themselves, or in some unfortunate cases until they don't prove themselves and leave instead. Once I know they're good soldiers, I try to only as be hard as the situation requires. I like to think that I'm usually a just leader..."

He turned and looked me.

"...but in your case, I _know_ I haven't been and I'm sorry about that, Dawes. I know I failed you. You're right, I didn't treat you in a fair way. You're turning out a promising recruit and you've been nothing but kind to me and I _did _treat you like shit. I'm not proud of it."

For a while I just had to take in this candid admission.

"But _why_ would you do that?"

He sighed again and fixed his gaze far away, seemed embarrassed to meet my eyes.

"There seems to be something about you, that makes me tell you things I shouldn't. As your CO I can't have it like that, can't allow myself to confide in you." He looked down on me. "I need to keep distance to you."

"It almost sounds like you're scared of me, Sir." I smiled.

"I find you disturbing, Dawes."

He remained serious and I was not sure if it was an insult or a compliment.

"You _should_ have sent Geddings." I kept smiling because I had the feeling if I was serious too, there would be something about this conversation which was too charged to handle. "If you want to keep your distance, I mean. Now you're stuck with me on this tiny platform."

Now he smiled in return.

"You have a point there, but you see I know that Geddings is not a big fan of the zip wire either. As for being stuck, there are two ways down…"

I felt my stress hormone levels rise again and as if he instinctively knew, he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. His intention to keep me at a distance temporarily forgotten.

"…and I'll make sure you make it down one of them, okay? I'm not leaving you."

Christ, it felt god to be held by him, to lean into his safe, hard body. Maybe we could stay up here for a few hours. If I snuggled into him, I could forget how far it was to the ground. That did not seem to be what he had in mind though.

"Either we climb down, I go before you so I'm under you all the way down, or we take the zip wire. I know the harness holds the weight of two, it's actually made for a tandem ride. We just want to push you to go on your own."

"_You _would go with me?"

"Do you see anyone else up here? Geddings maybe?" he smirked.

"No..."

"Think about which way you want to go for a minute, no rush."

"What if I can't?"

"I'll help you, I promise."

We sat there in silence for a few minutes longer. I had already decided, but just enjoyed the feeling of his arm around me, his warm body next to mine and the way he leaned his head to the top of mine.

Someone shouted from below. Probably Geddings wondering if everything was all right.

"I've got this!" Captain James shouted back, then turned to me with a big smile. He really had this killer smile when he chose to, even if that particular smile-causing muscle group in his face normally must be seriously unstimulated.

"So, have you decided?"

"I think I'll go for the zip wire. That way it's over sooner, plus I'm afraid I'll faint climbing down the ladder."

"Good, then let's try."

He got to his feet and reached out his hand. On wobbly legs I got up too. He did not let go of me, held me steady while he clipped us into the harness, him behind me. No matter what my opinion of him was, I trusted him one hundred percent but even in his comforting presence I felt the dizziness and cold sweat returning, my heart thumping, the panic rising again.

"Are you okay, Dawes?" he asked.

"No! No, I'm not, I'm bloody freaking out. I'm going to die!"

He put his arms around me again, both of them this time, hugging me from behind, holding me to him and then bent down and spoke close to my ear.

"No, you're not going to die. You'll live. I think you're brilliant and I know you'll make it. Never doubt that, not even if I shout at you."

Somehow, I knew he did not just mean make it down but make it through basic training to be a soldier.

"I've got you, now we're going down."

Before I could protest, he had kicked us off from the platform and we flew though the air like two heavy birds, one hugging the other and one too panicked to enjoy the ride as the speed was accelerating downwards on the angled cable. Next thing I knew we reached ground in the landing zone and he let go of me. The others were there, cheering and applauding and I was so relieved to be on the ground again that I felt nauseous. My legs could not hold me anymore and I sat down as soon as I got rid of the harness, trying to breathe normally again. I looked up on him and almost expected that now when we were safe, he would be angry with me for making a spectacle of myself, but he smiled.

"Well done, Dawes. I know that was really hard for you. We'll have to work on that fear of heights for the future, but for today you're done and should be proud of yourself."

"Thank you, Sir."

I was embarrassed and shaken. It had been a nightmare situation, but I thought that if it meant having his arms around me again it would almost be worth it to climb up once more. Almost. It was unlikely that he would be up for saving me a second time though.

That evening, I was lying on my bed texting mum about my adventures, although I omitted my panic attack and the fact that my captain had come to the rescue, when Jackie squeezed herself in beside me.

"Are you okay Molls?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You know, after today. What happened up there?"

"I was really, really scared, completely froze. I had no idea I'm afraid of heights."

"And then? What happened when Captain Asshole came? Did he yell at you to get your arse into that harness, or what?"

"No, surprisingly not… Not an asshole today. He was really nice, helped me."

"How?"

"Just talked me through it, that's all."

I felt that most of our conversation was something I wanted to keep between me and him, not even share with my best friend. There was nothing inappropriate about it, but it was special to me and I sort of wanted to keep it a moment shared only by us. it. I also needed to digest what he really had said, not sure I even remembered all of it properly. Did he _really_ say that I make him tell me things he should not? Well, that was only one occasion on the cemetery, otherwise he has been doing a good job at keeping distant, so he should not be too worried. The one who needed to worry was _me_, because every time Captain James revealed more of his sympathetic sides to me I felt confused.

I also felt confused, because even if I knew he only did what the situation required, it felt like he held me like he never wanted to let me go, before and during the fall. I knew it was imagination, but the feeling of him holding me lingered, filled my entire body with warmth and I just could not make myself tell Jackie that.

Before falling asleep it was his face I saw before me, his voice I heard and his touch I re-lived. I knew so well it was stupid for so many reasons; he was my commander, he was out of my league and he was already taken, but I did not know how to stop myself. The only consolation was that nobody knew.

* * *

Next day I had recovered from my traumatic event and it was time to have a go at the outdoors assault course, luckily including no obstacles higher than 12 feet so my newly discovered phobia would hardly be an issue. We had been preparing for it during PT sessions on a smaller indoors version, where we had practiced crawling, rolling and rope climbing but we knew the real deal would be much tougher. We were also expecting this to be a day when our ears would curl up to protect themselves from our trainers' shouting. It appeared Captain James was busy elsewhere though, so Geddings and another corporal lead the session. It left me both relieved and disappointed; I was nervous about meeting _him_ next, but I also longed for it despite being very annoyed with myself over it.

The assault course was designed with tunnels to crawl through, nets to climb over, muddy ditches to pass and 6- and 12-foot walls to scramble over whilst being clocked. The best thing was to never hesitate, just throw oneself at it even if an obstacle seemed impossible at first sight. I tried to focus on that it obviously was possible to make it as others had done it before me. Consequently, I must be able to make it too, even if it would not hurt to be a bit taller than my 5ft 3.

The assault course was not a team exercise; the intention this day was to get the best individual time possible. However, I had found during the first weeks of basic training that I'm not capable of shutting out my friends when we go through these kinds of challenges. I always looked out for my mates knowing that if someone fell behind the rest of the troop, a few encouraging words may be all they needed to find that extra strength to move on. That was why I glanced over my shoulder this afternoon to make sure we did not lose Lauren who was a bit behind the rest.

That was when I saw her slip as she climbed over the horizontal net. Before I could blink, she fell between the gaps and got stuck with her helmet in the thick ropes, legs dangling in the air. There was no way for her to get herself out of the situation, the rope pressing tight under her chin, on her neck and she would suffocate in a minute. I turned in my tracks, shouted for the attention of Geddings not sure he heard me and ran back as fast as I could, acutely aware time was not on her side. I climbed up to the net to try to help her from above but quickly realised she would be too heavy for me to handle alone and desperation filled me. God, it could not be true. As seconds ticked without her being able to breathe, I was starting to fear I would see one of my friends die before me during a PT session. I tried to pull with all my strength, so her throat would be released from the lethal pressure, but I was not able to pull her up into the net alone and knew I would not manage much longer. Then Geddings was there too, taking command and with joint efforts we managed to release her and get her up onto the net.

Soon she was breathing normally again, and it was clear she would survive, but Geddings had her sent for medical examination anyway. Even if there were no severe physical injuries she would for sure be in shock and her neck hurting.

I was quite taken by the whole situation myself, as were everyone else and we interrupted the PT session and were allowed to get back to our room. Half an hour later, Geddings came by and asked me to come with him and he led me to an office where Captain James was waiting, pacing the floor. He looked relieved when he saw me, almost like I had been the one nearly suffocating.

"At ease, Dawes. Have a seat."

He looked at me searchingly.

"Are you okay?"

"After yesterday, or after today, Sir?"

"Both. It's been eventful days."

"I'm fine, thanks. Just worrying about Lauren."

"We got a report from the med centre a while ago and Moore is okay – thanks to you. That's the only reason we wanted you to come here, Dawes, because Geddings and I want to thank you for your swift actions today. Hadn't you noticed what was happening to Moore she would likely be dead by now. You were looking out for your fellow squaddies, kept your cool and collaborated excellently together with Geddings to rescue her."

"I didn't think, didn't plan what to do really, Sir."

I felt a bit embarrassed over his unexpected praise.

"All the better because it shows you have the right instincts. I'm impressed, Dawes", Geddings said and when I met his eyes he looked at me with respect and perhaps even a bit of admiration. "We were a very good team."

For some reason Captain James first looked a bit like he had chewed on a lemon when Geddings said that, but then nodded in agreement. This was almost too much to take. I was not sure how to deal with these two men treating me like I had done something fantastic instead of barking at me all the time. I knew my face was probably red like a tomato by now.

"Errm, well… if that's all I'll just head back to my room. Very glad to hear Lauren, I mean Moore, is fine. I guess I'll see you around."

Not really the appropriate way to address your officers but today they let it pass. Both smiled and James said.

"You will. Dismissed Dawes."

My two handsome dreadful officers got nicer every day now. I feared there would be a backlash any time – and if not, I was not sure how to deal with it either, but I felt extremely satisfied I had managed to impress them for once. It seemed like the odds I would make it through had increased.

* * *

**_A/N: Thanks for all reviews to the previous chapter! Wrote this on the train to our lovely capital Stockholm this morning, with a few adjustments tonight after a long conference day and a few glasses of wine - but I hope it turns out all right anyway. _**

**_x_**


	13. Chapter 13: A night out

**_A/N: All reviews make me happy and then there are some that make me a bit extra happy. Thanks for the super-kind comments on this story and my writing. Another chapter written on the train but this time back to Gothenburg._**

**_xxx_**

* * *

**Chapter 13: A night out and a morning revelation**

* * *

It was not as if Captain James did not scold at me after our talk on the platform, but the treatment I had perceived as unfair ended. He dealt with me just like he did the others, usually hard but fair and his words that I should never doubt myself no matter if he shouted at me echoed in my head, like a secret message keeping my spirits up.

After he admitted it himself, I understood that he did not stay away from me because he found me repelling but because he found me unsettling somehow and it did not hurt me anymore. Sometimes I just watched him, standing confident with hands on his hips, feet shoulder-width apart talking to Geddings; or gesturing with serious face while giving instructions to one of the other girls; or tugging at the curls at the nape of his neck while deliberating something. It seemed impossible that this _man_, this impressive and very masculine man, feared he would be tempted to tell _me_ things he ought not to. I wondered exactly what he was afraid might slip from his tongue. Sometimes when I looked at him his gaze would shift too quickly for me to pull mine away in time and our eyes locked shortly, before I turned away like it burned and felt a warm heat spreading in the pit of my stomach and on my cheeks.

When he was no longer constantly hoovering over me like a hawk ready to dive at the smallest sign of a mistake, I relaxed and did better than before. I kept performing well during PT and at the firing range, now moving on to moving targets, but I also made less mistakes during drill now when I was less anxious, and I determinedly improved my map reading skills.

"Soon you could have me think you actually passed geography in school, Dawes", he even joked and when I looked up from my map there was a twinkle in his eyes previously unseen.

Geddings also showed himself to be more and more good-humoured as the weeks went by, I think partly because he felt he too could relax a bit now when James was less stern. Geddings did not limit himself to only giving orders, there were now plenty of normal conversations going on and it felt like we got to know him a bit. He could at times even sit down with us in the mess and share his experiences or advice over the meal, sometimes take part in the banter between us recruits.

I noticed that Jackie often was tongue-tied at those occasions, her gaze down in her plate as if her mash and sausages were incredibly interesting and felt I had to fill the silence in her place. For me it was not difficult to understand the reason; her crush on Geddings grew by the day and she was both shy and afraid she would expose herself.

"Jackie, you need to talk to him", I told her one evening after she had not said one single word during a meal with Geddings.

"To who?"

"Don't be daft, to Geddings of course."

"I don't have anything to say to him", she protested.

"I don't mean you should spill your feelings, I just mean you need to say _something_. How will he otherwise realise how amazing you are? And to be honest it's a bit weird when you let me do all the talking. Soon he'll think that _I_ either have a crush on him or verbal diarrhoea."

She groaned.

"It's just that I don't know what to say. I'm usually never like this around guys, I've got too many brothers to be shy around guys – but it's different with him. I really like him, and I'm really scared he'll notice that."

"So, you're not going to say anything to him for the rest of basic training?"

"Might be the best approach."

"I think it's the worst approach! You need a bit of innocent flirt, so he might consider asking you out after we're done and he's not your commander anymore."

"I wouldn't know how to flirt with him, I'd just make a fool of myself."

"I'm sure you wouldn't. Why don't you start by actually _looking_ at him and smiling?"

"Maybe he'll think I'm creepy."

"I can assure you there isn't a man in this world who would find it creepy if you smiled at him." I giggled, because her smile with dimples included would make a stone melt, but she just sighed. When it came to Geddings, her usual self-confidence truly was blown away.

Katie and Gita still remained singles too. Yogesh Pawar clearly had showed Gita he fancied her and often sought her out when we were in the Welfare centre, but even if she welcomed his company she insisted she could not date him because her parents would like him. The rest of us thought it was the stupidest reason ever and hoped she would come around. Katie on the other hand, stubbornly maintained that she and Daniel Robson were not exchanging glances at all, but it became more and more apparent that a shy and silent flirt was going on between the two and I hoped that one of them would summon the courage to do anything about it before basic was over. As for me, Chris Ingram kept hitting on me every now and then but even if he was fun and a little bit cute, I was only interested in him as a friend and we often ended up chatting or playing ping-pong but nothing more.

* * *

Saturday afternoon, after our normal block jobs, it was time for a block inspection. We were given the command to stand by our beds at attention and soon enough our James and Geddings began to hunt for any mistakes we may have made. We were all prepared for them to find flaws in the usual way, order us to do some press-ups and then re-do the whole thing but this afternoon they surprised us.

"Well done indeed, you've passed your first block inspection without remarks", James and Geddings did not seem disappointed that they had not found anything to complain about this time, instead both looked extremely pleased and almost boyishly happy. We expected that they in any second would tell us they were joking, and we were up for another inspection in an hour as Saturday fun, but the dreaded words did not come.

"As a reward, you get tonight off... and not just here as barracks. In two hours, there's a coach that will take those who want to a bar in Guildford as a special treat. You and other recruits who have passed their inspections this afternoon. The coach will return at midnight and I advise you not to get so pissed that you miss it", Captain James continued.

There was surprised but pleased mumble among the girls. Jackie and I looked at each other in disbelief. Was it possible that we in one night had passed block inspection _and_ were allowed to leave barracks to go to a _bar_? There had to be a catch, but none appeared.

"Please behave so you don't embarrass the British Army. Or me." Captain James ended with a word of warning, but we did not care much because we were giddy with joy.

As soon as the two officers had left us, deafening cheers broke out and then everyone immediately started dolling themselves up for a night out. It was so rare that we got the opportunity to feel feminine at all these days, so that in itself was a unique treat. Unlike some of the other girls, I had not brought any really nice clothes, like a dress, with me. I had not thought there would be any occasions when I would wear it so the dresses I had were in my closet back in Newham. I had to make do with a pair of skinny jeans and black tight tank top, but the clothes at least showed off my body, toned from all the PT, in a quite flattering way. With a touch of makeup making my eyes look larger and greener than usual and my dark hair flowing in lose waves down my shoulders instead of being tied into a tight bun, I felt pretty even without a dress. When I glanced in the mirror one last time before we went to the coach, I could not help thinking I wished Captain James would see me now. Silly girl.

The coach was full of happy recruits, our friends Chris, Yogesh and Daniel among them and I had a feeling it would be a great evening. I did not plan to drink much because the thought of getting drunk and lose control still scared me, but I was looking forward to just being in a bar with my friends, relax and have some fun. Despite that it was a quite big bar it was already crowded when we arrived, but me and my friends found a corner where we could hang out, have drinks and chat. The others immediately started off with jaeger bombs, but I politely declined and just sipped my beer.

"Don't be such a bore, Dawes!" Chris Ingram said. "It's not like your captain sees you here."

"I don't have to be a bore just because I don't want to get totally pissed."

"You know, Dawes", Chris' friend Dave now joined the conversation. "You always look like a tiny plank in that uniform, but tonight I can see that you both have muscles and tits."

"Funny, Dave – because I've always thought that it looks like you have a puny dick in that uniform and now when I see you in civvies it still looks tiny", I said with a sweet smile.

I heard someone break out in a heartily laughter beside me and turned to meet a pair of brown eyes, although I had to tilt my head to actually look into them as I was only level with his chest. He was dressed almost like me, in well-fitting jeans and a black t-shirt which clung to his toned torso and left the muscular arms bare. Tall and broad-shouldered, with chiselled, beautiful features and happily grinning at me, Captain James made any other man in this room look bleak. He took a sip of a beer bottle and kept looking at me. Suddenly my heart was thumping hard in my chest. Everyone straightened their backs, but he told us to relax.

"I think you've met your match Lawson", he smirked at Dave. "And Ingram, you'd better remember that I _always_ know everything."

"Yes, Sir", the two sheepishly answered.

"Are you here to enjoy yourself, Sir, or just to keep an eye on us?" I asked.

"As I'm famous for my multi-tasking skills I might do a bit of both", he kept smirking and seemed quite pleased with himself. "A few of the officers thought we'd join tonight to make sure it doesn't get out of hand. Sometimes there is a bit of ruckus between the recruits and the locals and we don't want that to happen, but I won't disturb you. Just crack on with your drinking or whatever you were doing."

I liked him dressed in t-shirt and jeans. No wait, who was I kidding, he was absolutely gorgeous. Not that he looked much more approachable like this than in uniform, but it was impossible not to admire his physique when he was dressed in clothes clinging to his body. He actually had the cheek to wink at me before he turned around and I tried not to stare too much at his delicious arse as he strode off to the other officers. I saw Geddings among them and waved, happy for Jackie's sake that he was here. Maybe she would have a chance to talk to him under more relaxed circumstances tonight. He cheerfully waved back, and I saw Captain James frown. I guess he had not intended for the officers to really spend time with the recruits even if we happened to be in the same bar, just keep a watchful eye on us. Geddings seemed oblivious to it though, left the group and came over and talked to us.

"I bet you're disappointed to see us here", he grinned.

"Just a tad disappointed, but if you buy Jackie a drink I'll forgive you for being here."

"Not that I'll commit to buy any of you any drinks because it would be inappropriate, but why only to Jackie, not yourself?"¨

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'm just not a big drinker. This beer will probably last me the evening."

I knew that Jackie was dying to talk to him and determinedly I pulled her into the conversation and as the alcohol had diminished her inhibitions, they were soon engaged in a lively conversation which I mostly enjoyed following without saying much and satisfied felt that my job as wing-woman was done for the evening. I looked over to Captain James and saw that he was watching us intently. He could do with relaxing a bit, he really seemed worried that one of us would do something to embarrass him.

The drinking and the banter continued but as I stayed essentially sober, I thought it was beginning to get a bit noisy and when Chris tapped my shoulder and asked if I wanted to go outside a while to get some fresh air, I accepted almost relieved to get away for a while.

We sat down outside, staring at the neon sign of the Indian Take-Away across the street. Chris lighted a cigarette, which I thought was not too bright if he wanted to stay fit for service. It almost looked like I was smoking too because the air was so cold that smoke came from my mouth when I was just breathing.

"I like you, Molly."

"I like you too, Chris." I said, but immediately tensed a bit because I had a feeling about where this conversation was going.

"I mean I _like_ you." He leaned towards me and I knew he was aiming for a kiss, but I was not attracted to him that way and his breath smelling of alcohol and the cigarette he just smoked repelled me, so I flinched.

"Sorry, Chris, but I don't like you that way. I thought I already had made that clear."

"Nah, I know you don't want to just have a one-nighter, but now I'm telling you I don't just want to shag you. I'm in love with you."

"I'm glad to hear I'm worthy of more than a shag, but still – no. I don't feel that way about you."

"Come on, Molly." He grabbed my arm tried to pull me too him. "Just try one kiss and you'll see you like it."

"No!" I got to my feet and stumbled away from him. "I know you're drunk, Chris, but it doesn't give you the right to snog me when I don't want to. Just get that into your head. I'm going in now and I'd appreciate it if you kept your distance for the rest of the evening."

I turned and went inside again, feeling proud of myself. Once upon a time, I just would have gone with Chris, done what he wanted to, been grateful for his attention. I did not need that to feel good about myself now.

"Your outfit looks a bit cold for outdoors activities."

I turned and met his dark eyes again. His face was not giving away what he was thinking.

"What?"

"You've been outside for a while and it seems a bit chilly", he said flatly.

It _had _been cold, and my skin still prickled from it, but now I felt the heat of embarrassment running through me. Why the hell was he keeping track of my whereabouts?

"Nothing happened with Chris out there, we just talked."

"What are you telling me for?" he asked, smirking.

A valid question. I certainly did not need to explain myself to him, yet I could not stop myself from doing it.

"I just... I guess I didn't want you to think I was shagging around, Sir. I'm here to become a soldier."

"Glad to hear you have your eyes on the ball, but it's 2018 not 1918. Who you're sleeping with or not is none of my business as long as you stay focused."

Strangely, there was something in his expression which contradicted what he said. He looked a bit relieved when I denied there was something between me and Chris. He took another gulp from his beer bottle.

"You're not drinking, Dawes?"

"I had one beer if you must know, but I'm a bit restrictive with alcohol."

He cocked an eyebrow.

"No shagging and no drinking? I didn't have you down for a saint?"

"The last time I was drunk didn't end well."

"What happened? Did you vomit?"

There was a teasing tone in his voice and I knew he was just trying to engage in a light conversation, but I suddenly felt the need to rattle him because he always was so superior and cool as a cucumber.

"As a matter of fact, I _did_ vomit, outside an Army recruitment office..."

He smiled until I continued.

"...but that was only before my boyfriend beat the crap out of me, so I ended up in a coma."

His smile faded, and I could see that I had managed to shock him.

"Christ, Dawes! I'm sorry, I didn't know. How..."

"No need for you to be sorry, you had nothing to do with it, but I really don't feel like talking more about it. Not now anyway. Thanks for the chat, I'm heading back to the others now."

He nodded but when I turned to leave touched my arm and I turned back, surprised.

"Dawsey... I'm glad you woke up", he said seriously.

I just stared at him and my mouth felt very dry, but I finally managed to say;

"So am I."

"And one more thing…"

"Yes?"

"That chestnut colour really becomes you."

* * *

Next morning, Jackie and I were up bright and early for a new task. We were assigned to duty in the guard room under the watchful eye of a Sergeant Wilson. Despite that I had not been drinking much, I was exhausted because I had been tossing and turning in my bed all night thinking of the conversation with Captain James. When I finally fell asleep, his brown eyes followed me, and my sleep was restless. Jackie was equally tired but also hungover after multiple Jaegers and beers. She was happy though, because she and Geddings had spent half the evening talking.

"He's just so funny, Molly", she said for the umpteenth time.

"You said that. And smart and interesting and kind and veeeery good-looking. You're so screwed, Jackie, totally in love. I just hope you'll have the opportunity to actually screw him once we're out of here", I whispered so Wilson would not hear us.

Guard duty was a questionable pleasure, especially as we were so tired, but it just made us gigglier. We were lucky to have each other's company and were arsing around in our usual way, secretly making fun of the people coming and leaving when Wilson did not hear us. Around lunch time our attention was raised when a car more exclusive than the average passing here, drove up.

When the car window rolled down, a woman became visible.

"I don't have all day, so could you please hurry up clearing me", the astounding beauty behind the wheel said.

We just stared in surprise and fought the giggle than built up inside us, tried to prevent it from bursting out. We both instantly recognised her; it was the woman from the B&B in Hungerford, the one who had been so nasty to her boyfriend/husband.

That was all Jackie knew about her. I also knew the man's name was Charles, he seemed quite wonderful and he was not in love with her. I hoped he had dumped her by now.

Jackie found herself first.

"Who are you here to visit, ma'am?"

"Captain James."

Jackie and I carefully avoided looking at each other because we knew we would burst into fits of laughter if we did. A few weeks ago, I would have thought it served him right to have a visitor as unpleasant as her, but I sort of had changed my mind about him since then and now I was wondering what she could want with him. For sure he would have none of her diva manners.

"You're here to visit _Captain James_?"

"I thought I just said. Since he doesn't seem to find it fitting to come home I guess I have to come and see him here", she spat.

I stared at her beautiful face and I started to really process the information she was sharing, the cog wheels of my brain working fast. She said he had not come home. Did she mean to _their _home? Why was she visiting Captain James? Was she _his_ girlfriend now? That would mean she and Charles had broken up – good for him, but I did not like the thought of her with James either. Of course, James could have been the man in the garden if he had not been called James, which he obviously was.

Then for the first time it hit me as odd that he was the only one called by his first name around here and the next second, I realised that was of course not the case as his parents' surname was James. Unless he was called James James, which seemed unlikely, he had another name and that name _could_ be Charles. Pictures flashed by before my eyes; Charles' handsome neck which I had been watching during the dinner in Hungerford, how I had liked the way his hair curled at the nape of his neck and admired his broad shoulders; and Captain James tugging the curls of _his_ neck as he was pondering over something. They were quite similar. I had been so focused on the discovery that the son of the nice Mrs. James in Bath was my captain, that the possibility never had stricken me that he might also be Charles. The realisation hit me like a punch in my stomach.

Holding my breath, I asked;

"Would that be Captain _Charles_ James?"

Jackie looked surprised that I knew the first name, but the woman only looked more annoyed.

"Is there any other around? Of course, it's Charles."

I was unable to speak but luckily, Jackie handled that.

"And is this a private or work-related visit?"

"Private! What do you think?" She sounded very vexed indeed now, almost like she expected us to know who she was.

"Okay, I'll let him know you have arrived. Your name ma'am?"

She let out a big frustrated sigh and I thought she would be much more beautiful if she smiled and looked a bit friendly, but her whole being radiated she was furious with us for delaying her entry to the camp and the captain.

"I'm sorry ma'am if this is inconvenient for you." Jackie sounded anything but apologetic. In fact, she sounded like she found the whole situation utterly amusing. "But I need your name so I can confirm you as an expected visitor."

"Oh, for fucks sake! My name is Georgie Lane."


	14. Chapter 14: Head under water

**Chapter 14: Head under water**

* * *

Monday morning Captain James stood before us like he used to, but he looked at ease in a way I had never seen before. His body relaxed, instead of stiff like he had spent the better part of his adolescence in a posh boarding school. He had an almost friendly look on his face and I even think a smile was playing in the corner of his mouth. Maybe he looked a bit like a man who had bedded a woman he had yearned for for a long time, what did I know.

I absolutely hated it and wanted Captain Stern-face back, tried not to think of what might have caused the change.

* * *

After Georgie Lane drove off in a dust cloud, or maybe I just imagined the dramatic dust cloud, but she drove off with squealing tires at least, I tried to keep appearances up for Jackie. Tried to be my normal, chirpy self despite that I felt very confused and sad somehow, because I did not feel like sharing my thoughts and true feelings even with her.

"Shit, that was really her, wasn't it?" she hissed, but Sergeant Wilson did not seem to pay much attention to our conversation. "The B&B bitch?"

"It was! I'd recognise her anywhere and if we had been in doubt, I think she was quite a bitch now too."

"And she's visiting Captain James! Wait, does that mean _he_ was the guy who was there with her?"

Now the coin dropped for Jackie too.

"It's such an unlikely coincidence, but it _must_ have been. Think of it, they're really alike. I can't believe we didn't recognise him even if we only saw him from behind."

"I guess one is blind when one doesn't expect something… Like when I ran into my old teacher on a beach in Spain and didn't recognise her even though I had seen her daily for three years."

"Did she recognise you?"

"Immediately, despite that she obviously had downed some sangrias. But back to Captain James, I can get over it! I never imagined he would be with someone like that. Not that he doesn't deserve a bitchy girlfriend when he has his asshole moments, but I never imagined he would put up with someone like her."

"No wonder his moody, if that's what awaits him at home."

We both giggled, and in my head, I heard Captain James words that we were like Chip n' Dale. Sometimes I thought he was right about that.

"How did you know his name is Charles?

"Oh, I must have heard it somewhere. Maybe Geddings said it."

Jackie was not the suspicious kind and bought my explanation without further ado. I felt a bit bad about lying to her, but I did not feel like revealing mine and Charles' a.k.a. Captain James' conversation. Especially not now when I was in very confused emotional state.

Once we were dismissed from guard duty, we only had our block jobs and a relaxing afternoon at the Welfare centre ahead of us. I did not feel very social though, so I told the girls I had a headache and stayed behind, lying on my bed with thoughts spinning madly.

I tried to come to terms with this merger of the personas of Charles and Captain James. Two men I found attractive somehow, but very different from each other – and so it turned out they were one and the same! Why had I not noticed how similar their voices were? Maybe because Charles had been talking softly and laughed and Captain James had only been harsh and serious in the beginning.

I reminisced what Charles and I had talked about in the garden, which was not difficult at all because I had played the conversation in my head so many times since then, never been able to let go.

_"I wish I was like you, felt that everything is a new and wonderful experience. I don't feel like that about anything."_

_"Not about anything?"_

_"No, not for long. Much of the time I feel sort of... numb."_

_"Isn't there anything you like? That means something to you?"_

_"My son, obviously, and my job. I used to love my job, now I'm not sure about that either."_

His emptiness and self-doubt had been so heart breaking, and then he had told me his work in the Army was his life and he loved it except when he was confined to a desk job. It was one of the many things during that trip that had tipped the scale for me, so I had felt it was inevitable that I enlisted. He had also been the one to make me realise that even though I had lost four years, I still had most of my life ahead of me and plenty of time to chose what to do with it. It had been quite the revelation and had been grateful to him for it. Grateful to Captain James as it turned out.

Most vividly however, I remembered his honest question.

_"How do you know when you shouldn't be with someone anymore? How do you know if it's all wrong and you should give up trying? If you're with the wrong person?"_

I had asked him if it was not as simple as feeling that you are with the _one_ person you want to be with. As he still was with _her_, he must have come to the conclusion that in the end, she _was _the one for him. It made me sad, not only for his sake but stupidly for my own too. Suddenly I wondered what they were doing right now, if maybe they were in his room making up for time apart. In bed. I found the thought so disturbing that I shook it off with a shudder. I just could not bear imagining them naked together – not when I wanted it to be me. _I wanted it to be me._

There, I had allowed myself to think the thought. _I wanted Captain James. _I had wanted him when I did not know he was Charles and I wanted him even more now, so much that my body ached when I thought of it. I wanted to be in his arms, wanted to touch him, kiss him, whisper to him with my lips close to his – because I was in love with him. How very, very inconvenient, and stupid and absolutely futile.

Then an unsettling thought emerged. Did _he_ know? Was he aware that it had been me he was talking to in the darkness in the garden? There was no way to know for sure, but suddenly his words that he found himself telling me things he should not, bore another significance. Maybe he had not only been talking about the moment at the cemetery, maybe he had eluded to the garden all along. That made sense, because he would for sure regret sharing what he did then with one of his recruits even more than being open with his grief at the cemetery. It was not like I pulled things out of him on purpose, but I very much liked when he confided in me. I could fully understand if he did not appreciate it in the same way.

I could not be sure if he knew, but there were a few facts I now was certain of; I was in love with him, he had a girlfriend/wife and a kid and he was certainly not in love with me. That meant that for my own sake, the best thing I could do was to try to keep my distance to him and just focus on passing through basic training. It had been my intention all along, yet I had allowed myself to fall for him. Realising his partner Georgie was a person very much of flesh and blood reminded me how utterly stupid that was, and I would have I it no more. Romantic thoughts of Captain James had to be completely banished from my mind.

Over the next weeks, I kept my head low and stayed as distant to him as I could. Sometimes I had the feeling he noticed the difference and wondered why, but it was not like he was pushing himself on me either – and why would he? We had a halfway exercise out in the woods where we were taught hand signals for patrolling, firing manoeuvres, casevacs and to how to supress the enemy. At barracks we continued with lessons about how to decontaminate chemical weapons, how to potentially spot Improvised Explosive Devices and learned the phonetic alphabet. We also learned basic skills in how to stop bleeding, deal with breakages and practised applying field dressings on each other. I realised how much I liked this part of our training and started leaning towards specialising as a combat medical technician in phase 2.

We were kept busy and I constantly pushed myself to the limit, so I was completely knackered every time I crashed in my bed. I successfully kept my mind off Captain James. Well, nearly at least.

* * *

During week ten of training, we headed off to the Brecon Beacons in Wales for our so-called Soldier Development Week. We were to camp out in the woods for the entire week and do different adventurous activities; biking through the woods, mountain climbing and abseiling on natural terrain, which I was terrified about initially, but it got better with the support from Geddings and James. We went for a cave adventure and trekking and had navigational exercises which now went much better than Jackie's and my first try with map and compass. In the evenings we had scoff by the fire and all the girls sat singing and talking, while Geddings and James kept to themselves, giving us space to just have fun.

One morning I woke up very early, even before reveille at zero five hundred and decided to get up and pee. When I returned, I saw Captain James sitting alone by the fire. He had probably had the last stag of the night. I thought I had better escape into the tent again, but he looked up and saw me before I could and then it seemed strange not to walk over to him and say good morning.

"You're up early, Dawes", he smiled.

"Thought I might get some quality alone-time with you, Sir." I said smiling in return and wondered why I made that stupid joke, maybe he really would think I wanted to spend time with him – which I _did_ but should not and either way, did not want him to realise.

"Want some breakfast, Dawes?" He nodded for me to sit down. It seemed impolite not to.

"What's on the menu, Sir?"

He pointed to the cauldron on the fire.

"Porridge."

The usual, in other words.

"Nah, thanks but it's too early for that. Was hoping you'd have something proper nice to offer."

"Like what?"

"Toast with jam, or Coco puffs maybe."

My stomach rumbled at the thought of something tastier than porridge or Army rations in general, suddenly I missed the food at home even if the Dawes household never has been famous for gourmet cooking.

"Coco puffs?" he smirked. "Nothing but empty calories, hardly enough to last you until lunch out here."

"Maybe not, but oh so lovely..." I gave up a big sigh. "I wish you hadn't made me think of it. Now I'll long for Coco puffs until I'm home next time. What do you have for breakfast when your home?"

"Porridge."

Of course, he was the type who would eat a balanced and nutritious meal at home too. obviously, Coco puffs did not build that body.

"Or yogurt and fruits... or a mushroom omelette... or bacon and scrambled eggs... or maybe a toast with Nutella... My mum makes an awesome Nutella-stuffed French toast."

"Now we're talking."

I imagined Mrs. James making those toasts for him when he was a boy, growing up in that impressive house in Bath and loved that he turned out to have some weakness after all.

"Damn it Dawes, you made me long for all sorts of unhealthy food! And I could die for a Nespresso."

He looked down in his mug of tea with a look of distaste. I snorted.

"What?" He looked at me quizzically.

"Nothing, just that I should have guessed you're too posh for a plain cuppa."

"It's not that I'm snobbish, I just need proper coffee to be a fully functional man. I'll invite you for a real coffee sometime and I'm sure I'll win you around."

"I _might_ try your pansy coffee if you make me one of them Nutella toasts too."

"Deal", he grinned.

I thought it was a very hypothetical situation. As if he ever would make me any other breakfast than the porridge in front of us, but maybe he was missing someone to share such a sumptuous breakfast with. I doubted that Georgie Lane ever had Nutella toast or Coco puffs for breakfast. She looked more like she would opt for a slice of cucumber.

"Do you want a brew, then? As I can't tempt you with the porridge?"

"Thanks, that would be nice if you're offering."

He handed me a mug of tea and our fingers touched briefly even though I tried to avoid it. This banter, this normality was not good for my intentions to put a lid on my feelings for him.

"Are you still enjoying basic training, Dawes?"

"I am. It's hard but time just flies by, never thought it would in the beginning. I'll miss the troop when we go off in different directions."

"You know what you want to do?"

"I was thinking of CMT."

He nodded.

"A good choice."

"You think?"

"As long as you don't expect to glide around like some Florence fucking Nightingale and dab the forehead of handsome soldiers in a well-equipped hospital. More likely you'll be in a godforsaken shithole, putting tourniquets on a poor sod who took a bullet and is gushing blood. As long as you're up for that, I think it's great because we need good CMTs."

"I wasn't expecting to be Florence Nightingale." Maybe I had imagined dabbing the forehead of _one specific _handsome officer.

"Well then, go for it."

"Jackie is planning on training for a CMT too, so at least we might end up in the same place during phase 2."

"You're really good friends, you and Aston?"

"Yeah, we got to know each other the summer before we enlisted so I haven't known her that long, but she's my best mate and we decided to enlist together."

"Me and my best friend went to Sandhurst together. Those days as cadets really was something. Now I haven't seen Elvis in a long time."

He stared into the fire and suddenly seemed sentimental. It could not be a coincidence. There were hardly two officers named Elvis in this world, it _must_ be the guy on the photo wall in the Italian restaurant in Southend. I remembered the photo where he laughed so it looked like he was about to pee his pants in the company of another officer, one who one could not see the face of but had this mop of dark curly hair. _His best friend who was an officer too_, Elvis' sister had told us. Funny, that must have been Captain James too. It was like everything from that road trip came down to one thing; all roads were _not_ leading to Rome, they lead to the Army and Captain James. Now he interrupted my train of thoughts.

"You know Dawes, I don't usually read the personal file of the men, or women, under my charge."

"No?"

"No. I prefer to create my own opinion based on actual performance. I know there are many recruits and soldiers, who show completely different sides in the Army than outside. Some who have been bad apples before but when they are coached and pushed in the right direction and given the opportunity to grow, truly excel. Then there are those who look great on paper, but completely fail when faced with adversity, unable to deal with the situation."

I wondered where he was aiming with this conversation.

"So, when we talked in the bar I hadn't read your file – but I have now."

Aha…

"That thing you told me about what had happened to you… and then you just left… It felt a bit like prying, but I wanted to know more about what you had been through."

"And what did you find out?"

"Like you said, that you were in a coma… but then you were in hospital for four years?"

"I wasn't myself after what happened."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Not really, but it would have felt strange not to explain a bit. One does not spend four years in a hospital for no reason. I was glad the file did not seem to have mentioned _mental _hospital.

"He really hurt me badly, my ex. I nearly died that night. I don't know how it's possible but when he was beating me up, or maybe during the coma, I somehow shut off reality. Even when I woke up, I didn't really recognise people around me and it wasn't possible to connect with me for real. I mean, people talked to me and I answered but they said it was like the real me wasn't there and I didn't really know who I had in front of me. It seems like I lived in some kind of imaginary world for a few years. When I slowly returned, I didn't remember much of that fantasy world. Still don't. Sometimes it's like a distant memory flashing by, but none of it was real anyway."

"Do they know why it turned? Why you were cured?"

"Not really. My psychiatrist seemed to think I was finally ready for it, ready to return to real life and didn't feel I had to escape inside my own mind anymore. There was nothing physically wrong with me in the first place which could explain it and I guess time and therapy healed me."

"And you're fine now?"

"I _feel_ fine, and they seemed to think I was fine too. I got out of the hospital about six months before I came to Pirbright and my doctor saw no reason why I wouldn't be able to join the Army. I was a bit worried they wouldn't let me enlist but they contacted my doctor and in the end, there was no problem."

"That was actually not what I was concerned about. I just wanted to know if you _feel_ okay. I mean, it seems like you've been through something really hard."

I met his eyes briefly but could not bear it when they drilled into me that way. Like he wanted to know _everything_ I hid inside. There was too much I never could allow myself to show him and it had nothing to do with my time in hospital.

"I do. I really feel okay and all that's in the past. Sometimes I feel sad that I lost four years, but I've also realised that I've got most of my life ahead of me, so I'd better live it instead of delving in the past."

"And that ex of yours?"

"In prison for many years to come."

"Glad to hear it, what a bastard."

He clenched his fists and I got the feeling that if Artan had been here he would have taken a swing at him.

"What did you do those six months before you enlisted?"

"Worked in an Indian restaurant and tried to figure out what to do with my life."

"And you ended up with joining the Army?"

"Yeah."

Partly due to him, but I still did not dare to tell him. Unless he brought Hungerford up I would never mention it because it would for sure be awkward.

He put another log on the fire and I tried to think of something else to talk about and then realised I had a golden opportunity to do some research on behalf of Jackie now when we had this friendly chat.

"Is it allowed for a recruit to date an officer if they're not working together?"

He froze beside me.

"Just asking for a friend who was curious, and I thought since we're just chatting I'd take the opportunity to ask you", I explained.

"It's not encouraged, but it is allowed as long as you're not working together and not in the same chain of command."

"Do you know of any? Army couples I mean."

"There are a few but it can be difficult to keep it together, being deployed to different locations and all that."

"You don't have a wife who is in the Army?"

He laughed softly.

"No, I certainly don't."

No, Georgie Lane certainly did not look like soldier material. I wondered what she did. Maybe she worked in a nail bar, or maybe she was a bikini model.

"Do you know if Geddings is single?" I thought I worked that smoothly into the conversation, hoping I would find out for Jackie, but suddenly he gave me a hard stare.

"Are you really asking me that, Dawes? Your Captain? I thought you said you were keeping your eyes on the ball and wanted to focus on becoming a solider?"

"I am! I'm just curious and I thought you might know."

"I'm not the bloody Oracle of Delphi."

"What does that mean?"

"Meaning; I don't have all answers. I'm not one for prying into others' personal life."

Ah, so he drew the line between reading my file and asking his colleague Geddings if he had a relationship. I had obviously misjudged the easiness of our conversation because he really seemed offended I had asked him the question.

"I'm sorry, Sir…"

He got to his feet, still with an annoyed expression.

"Anyway, time for reveille the others have slept more than long enough.

* * *

We had so much fun during that week. Even though Captain James and I kept a certain distance to each other after the awkward end of our morning conversation, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. All the girls were truly my friends by now and we had so many laughs together during the activities. It felt like James and Geddings were there to support us to improve our skills, not to torment us, which was a huge difference from the beginning.

The last day, canoeing on the lake where we had our camp, was on the schedule. It turned out we were a few life jackets short, but there was not the slightest wind and the lake was unruffled so it did not seem very risky. I thought that it probably would have been wise for me to wear one, but I did not want to reveal I could not swim so I did not ask for one specifically and ended up without.

Gita and I teamed up for this and neither of us had canoed before. It was harder than one could imagine keeping a certain direction and keep up the speed and we found ourselves falling behind the others. It was not a competition, so we did not worry much, until a motorboat appeared in very high speed and seemed to be driving straight in our direction. We panicked slightly, but in the end, it turned so it just drove past very close. The relief did not last for long though, as the backwash rattled our little canoe so much that it tipped over.

Oh, shit! I thought to myself as I fell into the cold dark water and went under the surface, sank even though I tried to keep my head above water as I could not swim, panicked and felt water filling my lungs instead of air, before everything went black .

* * *

_I'm kissing my husband. His warm soft lips are pressed to mine when I slowly wake up. It is my absolute favourite way to wake up. No one snogs like him and it feels like it was too long ago. With eyes still closed I coil my arms around his neck to hold him to me and let my body respond to him, let all the feelings I have for him inside me pour into that kiss, let him know that all I want right now is for him to relieve me of my slip and make love to me. For a few seconds longer, he keeps kissing me but then try to move away. Why would he do that? _

I opened my eyes and met the very surprised eyes of Captain James just as he pulled himself away from my grip. I did not understand why he was soaking wet, the hair dripping, his uniform shirt and combats glued to his body. I certainly did not understand why his mouth had been fixed to mine – not that I complained. Then I felt the sudden urge to throw up and when I did a cascade of water came out of my mouth and I remembered falling into the water. Drowning. He must have dived in to save me.

"Dear God", was all I could say when I could breathe again.

Captain James still looked shell shocked, no wonder when one of his privates just had snogged him for Queen and country. At least none of the others had seen it, they were entering the shore just now, he must have dragged me here swimming. I felt I had to explain.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband."

He looked even more perplexed.

"Do you have a husband, Dawes?"

"No...

"No." He shook his head like I was mad.

"I dreamt that I did."

His chest was heaving, he looked really upset and I prepared for a bollocking, but none came.

"I thought you were dying on me, Dawes, and we're not even in a war zone. Please don't do that to me again."

The dying or the kissing? Probably both.

"Why the fuck didn't you swim?" he lashed out.

"Because I can't really swim."

"You _can't_ swim?! How did you pass the swim test?"

He glanced at Geddings who now had arrived and bashfully shrugged his shoulders as he had been the one in charge of the swim test.

"I pulled a sickie that day..."

Again, he shook his head in disbelief.

"And that could have cost you your life today."

"I'm sorry."

"I need to get changed now and so should you Dawes because these wet clothes are shitting cold."

He got to his feet and left to let the girls and Geddings take care of me now that I apparently was fine. I watched his broad back as he strode away and could not let go of the feeling that for a few seconds he had kissed me back, not just tried to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The likely reason was shock, but it had been one amazing kiss. I could only hope he had not felt how much I had wanted my "husband", because that would be truly embarrassing. I hoped I had not moaned, I might have.

I did not speak to him again during that afternoon or during the ride back to Pirbright. He efficiently avoided to look me in the eyes. When the coach finally pulled up inside the gates and everyone got out, retrieved their bergens and headed for our block, I intentionally dragged my feet after me, so I would be last with Captain James. I felt I had to say _something_, or the remaining weeks would be too awkward to endure.

"Sir..."

He looked up as if startled, but I knew he already knew I was there.

"I just wanted to say thanks..."

"I couldn't leave you there could I?" he smiled. At least he did not seem to be angry.

"... and I wanted to apologise. I would never…"

"Dawes! Let's not talk about it anymore."

He interrupted me abruptly and his cheeks turned pink. Christ, that was a sight I never thought I would get to see, Captain James blushing and it was me who had caused it. I realised he was at least as embarrassed about the whole thing as me.

"However, I have a special assignment for you Dawes. Meet me on the parade ground tomorrow at zero five hundred. That's an order."

I looked at him wondering if I would get any further explanation, but he just dismissed me, and it was apparent that I would have to wait until tomorrow morning. I wondered if this was when I would be charged with toilet cleaning for the remainder of basic training as punishment for kissing him. Well, I would know soon enough. I found it hard to fall asleep that night and when I finally did I dreamt I was kissing him - not my husband, but Captain James.


	15. Chapter 15: Wading out of my depth

**Chapter 15: Wading out of my depth**

* * *

Next morning, I was there slightly early, but he was already waiting for me, relaxed, leaning against the wall. He did not look like he was in a bad mood at all.

"At ease, Dawes", he smiled. "This won't be dangerous."

I did not quite trust him yet.

"You know there's a swimming pool on the grounds? The one where you're supposed to do a swimming test." He cocked an eyebrow.

"No?"

"There is." A smile played around his mouth and I realised he was actually enjoying this and then I noticed he was carrying two bath towels.

"You don't mean..."

"I do."

"I don't have a swimsuit."

He threw me a piece of slinky fabric which turned out to be a black swimsuit when I held it up.

"You do now. I'm quite sure it will fit."

"I don't want to swim."

He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me.

"Let me make myself clear. This is not a request and I don't give a flying fuck if you _want _to swim or not. I'm teaching you to swim and that's an order."

He picked up his long-paced walk again and I scurried along, trying to keep up with him.

"Why, Sir?"

"Because I won't have anyone in my troop fail phase 1 because they can't bloody swim! And even if you managed to get through, we can't have you out in the field not knowing how to swim. You _must _know how to swim, Dawes. You may need to pass through or hide in waters that are deeper than you're tall and then you could easily drown." He turned and eyed me up and down and his serious face transformed into a cheeky grin. "Since you're a short-arse, most waters will be deeper than you're tall, I reckon."

"Oi, I can't do anything about my height, can I?"

"Nope, but you _can_ learn how to swim. Here we are. Now, double away and get changed and I'll meet you by the pool. Don't forget to shower before so the pool stays fresh."

"Are you my swimming teacher, or what?"

"That's exactly what I am today – and until you're able to swim 200 metres."

"I was aiming for five…"

"Just shut up, Dawesy and put on that swimsuit."

"And shower…"

"You actually listen, I'm amazed."

"Always do, Sir."

"Yeah, right."

I had no idea how he had managed to conjure up that swimsuit between the previous afternoon and that morning, but magically it fit perfectly so at least I did not have to worry about a nip slip. The mere thought of _that _happening in front of him made me blush. Even if the swimsuit fit, this did in no way mean that I felt comfortable about showing myself to him dressed in it. After all, it was quite close to being naked and even if he would be completely unaffected by the sight of me, it made me feel self-conscious, well aware I did not have the kind of hourglass-shaped curves Georgie Lane did. I wrapped the towel tightly around me and thought that my strategy would be to swiftly slide into the water, like those seals at the zoo, before he even had a glance.

When I entered the swimming hall, he was already there, now in swimming trunks and a t-shirt and I thought that it was cheating a bit that he got to have clothes on. If I had gotten one little glimpse of his bare chest, I might have considered it compensation for this entire situation.

"So, Dawes, get into the shallow end and just walk around for a bit", he instructed me.

As if he knew I was a bit embarrassed to go in with him watching, he thoughtfully fixed his gaze on the big clock hanging on the wall and I quickly ridded myself of the towel and ungraciously plunged in as fast as I could.

"You sure know how to dive in like a mermaid, Dawes."

"I was aiming for a seal."

We grinned at each other and I thought that if he was going to be like this, maybe it could be some fun after all.

"So, I just walk around?"

"I want you to get used to the feel of the water and how buoyant you are."

I suddenly had a flash of myself looking like a big buoy as I waded around in the water and despite that it was not a flattering picture, it was very funny and I burst into fits of laughter. He did not get annoyed, just laughed with me without knowing about what – unless I really looked like a buoy to him too.

During that first session we did not get very far. He had me gradually go a little deeper, so I got wet up to my armpits, then shoulders. I hate the moment when the water surface goes above my belly, somehow that area is more sensitive to cold than the rest of me. I complained but he told me to stop acting like a girl and start behaving like a soldier, with a smirk indicating he totally enjoyed this. Then he told me to put my face in the water and blow bubbles. Easy enough and I felt like a child and could not help starting to giggle again.

"This will teach me how to swim?"

"If you stop arsing around so much… Seriously, it will make you feel comfortable in the water. That's it for today, we don't have time for more unless we want to give the others a sleep-in, and we don't. I'll see you here again tomorrow, same time."

"Tomorrow?"

"We'll do this _every_ morning until you can swim", he grinned and walked out, so I at least did not have to get out of the pool with him watching me.

In the beginning I dreaded these private morning swimming lessons more than I enjoyed them, but Captain James turned out to be his easiest and most supportive self and soon I started to appreciate these moments and they turned into the best part of the day. He was very pedagogic and taught me step by step, like I was a child taking a swimming class. I learned to float, then he showed me the arm and leg movements – on land and thankfully I could keep my regular clothes of for that lesson. Next I got to try the leg strokes in water whilst holding, okay; desperately clinging to, a flotation device, then when that worked fine moved on to full laps with the floating device. When he told me, he thought I was ready to try a lap without any floating device at all, I got quite stressed. He seemed to notice, asked if I needed support down there in the water and when I sheepishly nodded in affirmation, he jokingly rolled his eyes.

"You're such a high-maintenance girl, Dawesy."

Before I knew it, he pulled his t-shirt off in one swift move. He allowed me to appreciate his amazing abs for about two seconds, then made a perfect dive into the pool, for the first time joining me in the water. If it is possible to experience hot flushes whilst being in a pool, I think I did.

"Couldn't you at least have made a regular cannonball jump instead of a bloody perfect dive, to make me feel a little bit better about myself? You're such a show-off", I complained when he resurfaced.

"You'll learn how to dive too, but for now let's keep to the basics", he grinned, and I got the feeling he _had_ wanted to impress me a little bit and was very pleased with himself. He did not have to dive to do that though, he was impressive enough just being a wet, half-naked, absolutely gorgeous man. And when he touched me lightly to support me when I swam, it took some willpower not to throw myself around his neck and admit I had feelings for him and wanted him crazy much.

That was both the upside and the downside of these swimming lessons; I loved getting closer to him, but it was also dangerous. We kept chatting and joking all through the sessions and sometimes when we were done for the day, we sat on the edge of the pool talking a while longer, about anything really. Sometimes we forgot time, so he cursing but not unhappy, got to his feet and rushed away in a very non-Captain Jamesy manner because he was late. During these conversations, he did not make any big confessions like he had in the garden or at the cemetery, but he told me small, ordinary things about himself and I did the same while he listened. We both shared things we had done and experienced in the past and how we thought and felt about things. Despite that we were from so different backgrounds, we shared a common view about surprisingly many things. I would not have changed these moments for anything and I could not stay away, but I knew it was very bad for me because I kept falling deeper and deeper for him. I allowed it because I knew my salvation was within reach; I would soon finish basic training and then likely never see him again. I would move on to Phase 2 and he would go on in his career and continue with Georgie and his son, Sam.

One morning he told me a bit about Sam. He said Sam was the only person before me, which he had taught to swim and then I asked him to tell me more about him. He said how proud he was of him, how he loved him and how it was a constant bad conscience of his that he saw so little of him due to work. He said that sometimes I reminded him of Sam in the way I constantly questioned him, and he said it like it was not an entirely bad thing. He asked if I wanted kids and I said I did one day, but I was also a bit afraid to end up like my mum, doing nothing else. Well, now she did but not for long and I wanted more out of life than that. He nodded and said he often had wondered how his mum actually had felt about giving up working to take care of him and his siblings. I did not tell him that I had thought she seemed quite happy about her life.

In bathing trunks, a puckered scar on his thigh was party visible and one morning I felt brave enough to ask about it. Without hesitation he told me how he had gotten the injury he still recovered from; bad luck during stepping on a boar trap during a training exercise in Belize. It nearly cost him his life because he was stuck in the jungle for days and got sepsis.

"It felt so ironic, it wasn't even a combat injury, yet the way back has been tough. The worst I've been through."

"You seem fine now? I mean, it's not visible in the way you move."

"Yeah, rehab is essentially complete, and this assignment was a way too pressure test myself in a way I can't behind a desk, but without going directly to full active service again."

"So, you won't train any new troops after we have passed out?"

"No, this was a one-off. Not only because I'm healed. I'm not sure my patience would last for another version of you and Aston."

His smile was friendly when he said it and I wondered if he would miss me at all. I knew I would miss him immensely and despite that it was for the best, I dreaded the day we would part. Right now, it felt like we were something resembling friends when we were alone. When we were among others he never singled me out in any way and I did not expect him to. When this was over, we would be nothing to each other. I had no right to claim him, could not expect anything from him at all, not even friendship.

An early Monday morning, three weeks after we started this intensive swimming course and with just over one week remaining to passing out, he wanted me to have a try at swimming 200 metres which was what he had set out for me to learn. He had been home over the weekend and I did not want to imagine anything he had done except seeing Sam. I had missed him and our morning sessions terribly and I was thinking of failing on purpose, so we would continue during the last week too, but I wanted to impress him too much to feign failure and swam my 200 metres.

"I think our job here is done," he smiled.

"I'm done?"

"Done swimming, one or two things still remain before you can call yourself a soldier."

"Like what, Sir?" I grinned, well aware that there rather were one or two _hundred_ things I still need to get the hang of, even if I was not expected to learn them all in basic training.

He did not answer, instead he reached into his pocket.

"Come, sit here."

He patted beside him and I heaved myself out of the water. I was not as fussy about him seeing me in swimsuit anymore, he had already seen it all from the shape of my C-cup tits to my flatter-than-I'd-like-it-to-be bum.

"I've got something for you."

He held his palm flat and revealed a small pin.

"When I was in Bath this weekend, visiting my parents, I found this among my childhood stuff in the attic."

"You mean you searched through all your old boxes and stuff in their attic just to find me this? Aaaaw, you shouldn't have."

It was a joke, but to my surprise I got to see him blush for a second time in a month, which made me wonder if it was possible that he actually _had_ gone through their attic with the sole purpose to find me this. Unlikely. Anyway, I had not meant to embarrass him, so I quickly shifted focus.

"What is it?"

"It's a _Duckling award_. The very first I got when I learned to swim. I want you to have it."

"You're giving me yours?"

Incredulous I looked at him and his brown eyes twinkled back at me, made my breath hitch.

"It's very dear to me, but yes, you've earned it, Dawesy."

"Thanks, I'm honoured", was all I could say.

"I'll leave it to you to put on, because..." his words trailed of and we both knew he had come to think of how inappropriate it would be if he had tried to pin it to the thin wet fabric of my swimsuit. He cleared his throat and for once it felt like he was very aware of my nakedness and that the silhouettes of my cold stiff nipples were visible.

"Errrm, right. Well done, Dawes. Surprisingly, it's been a pleasure to teach you swim. See you later."

He got up, flashed me another smile, shoved his hands into the pockets of his swim trunks and walked away. I remained sitting there for a while, shuddering and with prickled skin yet strangely warm inside, holding the small pin. I knew that no matter what medals I possibly would get for being a good soldier in the future, none of them would mean as much to me as this one.

* * *

**_A/N: So, that was a shorter chapter of pure fluff and everyone who guessed swimming lessons were right of course. Hope you enjoyed and happy Friday! Here we have had taco evening, the unofficial National dish of Sweden, especially on Fridays. I'm not kidding, Swedes are crazy about tacos. Bet you didn't know that :)_**

**_X_**


	16. Chapter 16: So, this is the end?

**Chapter 16: So, this is the end?**

* * *

"So, you passed your swim test?"

"Swam 200 metres without a flotation thingy. Not even Captain James could complain", I grinned feeling immensely proud of myself.

I did not share that he had far from complained, instead said _I_ deserved _his_ Duckling award which I now kept safe in my drawer and it might be the most precious thing I ever owned. I instinctively knew he would not have appreciated if I told anyone and anyway I did not want to.

"That means we're all trough all tests and only have the final exercise to pass!" Gita noted with excitement.

In parallel with my swimming lessons, all of us had gone through a series of tests which we had to complete successfully to be allowed to pass out, like the 6-mile TAB; running with weight on our backs, partly up-hills whilst being clocked, and the Army Combat Marksman Test and the Battle field Casualty Drill Test. All four of us had passed and the finishing line of these crazy fourteen weeks actually seemed to be within reach.

Before the grand finale of Phase 1 training, the passing out ceremony, one more exercise remained: Exercise FINAL FLING. That was really the name of it and I thought it was ironically fitting since it would also mark the end of my one-sided fling with Captain James. This exercise was meant to bring all the skills we had learnt together and put them into action during a week.

"I wonder what the FINAL FLING will be like, I'm sure there will be surprises."

"I like that we will compete with other sections. I want to beat Yogesh." Gita smiled.

It was becoming more and more apparent that she had a thing for him, but she still refused to admit it. I wondered if they would keep seeing each other after the end of basic training. I was willing to place a bet on it.

"Katie, don't you want to beat Robson?" Jackie teased.

"I think she would be happier if they end up in the same shell scrape. Then you might finally kiss each other."

"Oh, bugger off. By the way, how do you know we haven't already?"

"Have you?"

"Maybe."

The way she was blushing told us everything we needed to know and there were cheers all around.

* * *

We started FINAL FLING with an intelligence briefing from Captain James about the scenario we were going into. The training team wanted to make this a realistic exercise, so we could expect the area we and four other sections were moving into to contain enemies, IEDs and other challenges.

"When the coach drops us off, we will head for the area where we will set up our harbour, that will be our base for the upcoming week. In case any of you were in any doubt, this exercise is crucial for you to move on in the British Army. I know there are moments from Phase 1 training you will never forget, both good and bad. I hope mostly good ones when you look in the rear mirror even if it is hard right now and here. Let this week become a good memory you can be proud of. You will have the chance to prove yourself as soldiers. I trust that you will. Stay alert, stay focused, use your acquired skills. Nobody let me down."

He paused and let his gaze wander over us. He was serious, and his message was crystal clear; we could not allow ourselves to fuck up, yet the feeling among us was very different from the first day he had stood before us, shouting. We knew he did what he did to guide us through this and that he and Geddings had high expectations on us and wanted none of us to fail. This was only an exercise, but I felt I would rather die than let him down and I knew the others felt the same. I guess that was how his men out in the field felt too, that was why they were willing to follow him to a possible death. Now when I knew him better, it was easy to see why he was a brilliant officer.

When we went off the coach, we were met by icy November rain whipping our faces and I thought to myself that this would be a very tough and cold week. In fact, it turned out to be the week from hell minus the heat. The rain turned into snow at some point and we were constantly freezing cold to the extent that I worried a toe or two would fall off. As if that was not enough misery, there was endless tabbing in nightmare terrain; up and down hills, valleys and rivers (at this point Captain James stared challenging at me and I stared back with a smile, he was right it would have been dangerous for me to pass if I had not known how to swim). There was endless practice of infantry skills, map reading in daylight and in darkness (which I now felt totally at ease with as well), managing in scenarios of nuclear and biological warfare to practice everything we had learnt. There was patrolling, digging shell scrapes, nightly stag rotation - constantly, almost without pause and very little sleep and yet we had to think strategically like soldiers. Sometimes I was so exhausted and cold I wondered if I would manage another step or another coherent thought, but then I saw his tall, safe figure from behind, or heard him shout commands or encouraging insults in his usual inventive language, or sometimes met his eyes which seemed to adapt a darker brown shade over frost-bitten cheeks and time stood still for a while. Sometimes he smiled at me and then I felt warm through and through and just hoped that my smile in return was not too stupid.

Our troop did well and when the last day of the exercise arrived, we were all alive, none taken out by the enemy yet and we were now to attack the enemy headquarters. The evening before, our team of reconnaissance had returned and briefed us on the enemy activity and best time to attack. Captain James and Geddings briefed us all on the attack plan. The HQ consisted of three barns and our section were to attack the first barn and then provide fire support for another section attacking the next barn.

"We will attack at the break of dawn, but we will crawl into position whilst the darkness offers some protection and then wait out."

We were all very tense as we set off, knowing we could be discovered by the enemy which at this point felt very real to us, and be killed or captured. By now it would feel like total defeat and it was the last thing any of us wanted. When we got into position we had to wait out for about two hours before it was time to attack. It was dark, it was bleeding cold just lying there on the ground and it was so amazingly boring that the tension was wearing off. That was until Captain James positioned himself next to me. I knew I was supposed to be totally focused on the enemy ahead, but with him right beside me I could not help but being distracted. I could not see much of him in the darkness, but I thought of how good I knew he looked even when he was slightly haggard from the lack of sleep and had the shadow of a stubble on his chin, and how I could only dream that I looked anywhere near as good as him after a week out here. I thought of that his long, firm body was stretched out on the ground only inches from mine and how amazing it would be to move into him and snuggle up, nick some of his body heat. In the end I started chatting just to break my inappropriate train of thoughts.

"This is quite boring, sort of feels like we're missing the action just waiting out.

He snorted.

"You're too impatient Dawes. Do you realise you will have to get used to waiting out _a lot_ as a real-life soldier? Then it will be boring at best. It can also be dangerous… and painful, if you're injured and waiting out for a medevac."

"Like you did?"

"Like I did."

"In the Belizean jungle? When you waited for help?"

"Yes."

"Were you alone then, Sir?

I tried to imagine what it would be like to wait for help for days, in the middle of a jungle with animals and barbarians and God knows what lurking around, whilst being deadly injured.

"One of the men, private Brains, stayed with me and the rest of the section returned to base for help because we couldn't communicate from where we were, and they couldn't move me. Unfortunately, we didn't have a medic with us as it was just an exercise, but the men saved me from bleeding out. In Belize, the heat and humidity are a lethal threat if you get injured. Wounds get infected fast and that's why I got sepsis before help came. It was that, rather than bleeding, that nearly killed me. I was delirious towards the end from the infection and the pain, imagined all sorts of things…"

He seemed to lose himself in a memory, then leaned his head closer to mine and said in low voice close to my ear;

"I think I even might have imagined a dark-haired beautiful girl dabbing my forehead."

If it had happened at all, which it probably had not, and he was just taking the piss out of me, he anyway did not know me then so if he dreamt of anyone it sure was not me. It was not like he was calling _me_ beautiful, yet I felt myself blushing and was thankful for the darkness.

"You never! If _I_ had been there, I would not had dared trying to dab you _anywhere_ because I know you think it's Florence Nightingale-style nonsense."

"Maybe I would have made an exception since I was desperate… Anyway, I thought you only wanted to dab the forehead of _handsome_ soldiers? I can assure you I looked like shit, sweating and bloody and in pain. I was probably using quite offensive language too, at least Brains complained about that afterwards, claimed his ears had curled up."

I wondered if it was possible that he did not understand how very good-looking he was and still would be despite possible sweat and blood, but he actually always seemed totally unaware of his looks and oblivious to the effect he might have on the female species, or at least on me.

"And you mean to say you're usually never foul-mouthed?"

"Nope, you know me, always the gentleman officer."

I knew he was grinning. I could see his white teeth.

"Says the man who once told me he would stick his pace stick through my ears and ride me around the parade square like a shagging motorbike if I didn't pick up my pace?"

"I think I've apologised for that?"

He brought up his night vision binoculars to his face as if spying on the enemy, but I got the feeling he wanted to hide that _he _now was embarrassed even if I would not have seen him blushing in the darkness anyway.

"How did you get out of there, from the jungle? I don't think I've asked"

"Helicopter, medevac. There was no way I would have survived being carried on a stretcher through the jungle."

"Is that your worst memory? I mean your worst memory as a soldier?"

"So many questions, Dawes… I'm beginning to regret I chose this position."

His voice did not sound like it though, it was warm like he was holding back an amused laughter.

"I'm just curious, you have so much experience and even if I realise one can never fully prepare for such situations I'd like to know more from someone who has been through it."

"Fair enough. The answer is no. Probably the most physically painful one, but it was harder when Geraint died in front of me. That stayed with me in a different way. I think I told you I had to be treated for PTSD… It took some time before I accepted I was ill and needed help and during that time it got just worse… It was like the memory never faded, I replayed it again and again as vivid as when it first happened and instead of moving on I shut myself off to people around me, but I couldn't see that something was seriously wrong. It's so easy to advice my men they should look out for it and never hesitate to get help, but when it came to myself I was too fucking stubborn and proud until my mum called my CO, Major Beck and he ordered me to seek help. I'm grateful to them both for that. I wouldn't be here otherwise."

The lovely Mrs. James, she must have been worried sick for her son.

"Then I'm grateful too."

He was not done talking, though. Words poured out of him now like I had turned a tap.

"When you're a soldier, when you go on tour, you will experience many fantastic things; things you see and the kinship you experience with your fellow squaddies, but you will also see things you wish you hadn't seen. That you never can unsee. Friends will die on you, you may get injured, you will see civilians who are caught in the middle and you will meet some of the scum of this earth. It will test your faith. I'm not talking about faith in God, but your faith in mankind, humanity. Your faith that _we _are the good guys doing the right thing. You will see a terrorist cry for his family or a child soldier shoot a man. In the end you realise that none of us are wholly good or bad, we're all a bit of both… "

He took a deep breath and continued.

"Sometimes I feel a bit war wary, Dawes and sometimes I'm wondering if it's time for me to resign, but this life is all I've ever wanted. It's all I know, and I still love it despite everything. I don't want to scare any of you off. Like you, you have this spark and determination. You were given a pretty shitty hand of cards in life by Lady Luck and I admire what you're doing with it. I would never want to discourage you."

He stopped talking and we stayed silent for a while. I would have liked to reach out and hug him and tell him that everything would be all right, he would find his way. This situation was in so many ways similar to the garden, him confiding in me in the darkness.

"Thanks for being honest with me. I really appreciate that."

"Good, because now you know more than my mum does."

I thought that was probably true in all its unlikeliness. I had no idea why he chose to tell _me_ all this.

"Fuck Dawes, now you made me do it again."

"What?"

"Make me say things I shouldn't." He sighed but did not sound too unhappy or regretful.

"But why shouldn't you? I think you set a good example for us when you show some emotion, show you're human, not just this strong…shell of a man. I don't think it makes you look weak, if that's what you're afraid you'll come across like."

He shook his head.

"You're right I suppose. Sometimes it's funny with you Dawes, I get the feeling you know me. I mean even before I blurted out all these things, and that's why I do it. I seem to have this compulsive need to share things with you."

I got the feeling he was really staring at me in the darkness. I wanted to say that it was strange, because I too felt like knew him, but I held back and instead said;

"Thank you. I mean thank you for pushing me through basic training. I'm so glad I'm here today even if I sometimes…"

"Thought I was an arse?"

"That's your words, Sir, not mine."

I heard him snort like he was holding back a laughter.

"That's the way it's supposed to be in basic training, Dawes. It's how it is for the first part of the year at Sandhurst too. I've been through the same, it's supposed to mould good soldiers."

"And you believe it does?"

"Most of the time I do, yes."

"So… this is the end, yeah? The final exercise…" I said.

"This, some more rifle drill, passing out ceremony and then my work with you is done. Other than that, I'd say it's just the beginning. For your career in the Army I mean – and I'm sure it will be brilliant."

I felt a bit choked at his words, wondered if he really thought I could be brilliant. No one had ever told me that before, except maybe Nan.

"I'm glad I got to meet you."

The words came out spontaneously. I wanted to tell him I would miss him, but this was the closest thing to it that I dared to say out loud. He stayed silent a few moments and I already wished I had not said as much, it seemed silly.

"I'm glad I got to know you too, Dawesy."

Those words. They would be enough to keep me warm here for hours and I know I'm deep to my nose in trouble.

"And now you'll be rid of us and back to active service."

"I need to be cleared fit for it first, but then yes."

"I understand if you hardly can wait."

"Yeah, right, exactly. I hope they won't send me off anywhere before Christmas though. I've been looking forward to celebrating at home for once with my family. My parents' house is magical at Christmas."

I could very well imagine. I did not want to imagine him celebrating with his family there though.

"Where do you celebrate, Dawes?"

"Back in Newham with my family. They don't leave London often, or even Newham. I've never been abroad or even traveled around much in UK either, so if I'm deployed one day it will be a bit like going on vacation."

"I very much doubt that," he said dryly.

"I just mean what with seeing new and different places."

"So... you've never been to Hungerford then?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"I... I was there this summer."

"I've heard there's a very nice B&B."

"Errrrrm, yes, very nice."

I held my breath in anticipation of what he would say next, but I never found out because Geddings' voice was heard through Captain James' headset, asking if it was time to move. Dawn was slowly coming, I saw more of Captain James' silhouette than I had just ten minutes ago. I could now see that he fixed his eyes on me and shot me a smile to die for, before he confirmed to Geddings it was time to move and then started giving orders for the imminent attack. Conversation over.

Our attack of the enemy HQ was quite a success. Our firing manoeuvres went excellent and we suppressed, approached and assaulted the enemy without much drama. We kept up the momentum and quickly provided fire support for the other section as they too flawlessly neutralised the enemy. In what felt like minutes the battle was won and we only had one casualty, Geddings. It actually put a smirk on Captain James' face when he was informed.

"For fucks sake, Geddings, you should know better!" But I could see he was satisfied with our achievements.

We had to casevac Geddings out, which gave us the opportunity mocking him for being a bit on the heavy side and when he told us we were disrespectful, we told him he was dead, so he could not hear us anyway and he just grinned at us as we carried the makeshift stretcher. We were all quite relieved when we finally were picked up by a Chinook which brought us back to the harbour area where we were given a final debrief. That marked the end of FINAL FLING, the final exercise during Phase 1. All that remained while waiting for the coach to pick us up was to have some breakfast, clean our rifles and clear the camp. A huge sense of relief washed over me but mixed with sadness. The end was really coming closer with giant leaps and after the conversation I had with Captain James this night I was more reluctant than ever to let him go, but I had no choice really.

* * *

Parade was over. It had gone really well. We all looked so smart in our brand-new no. 2 dress uniforms and I just loved to see the proud faces of my family here for the second time. I had done it! I had passed out from Phase 1 and was entitled to call myself a soldier in the British Army. It was difficult to grasp but made me immensely happy. Somehow, it felt like I was destined for this.

We were allowed a celebratory drink with our families and then it was time to say goodbye to Pirbright and friends and leave. Some I would meet again in Phase 2, some I might meet later on in my career. I knew I would keep in touch with all of the girls on Facebooks because over these weeks they had become the closest friends I ever had. I knew Katie would also stay in contact with Daniel Robson, because they were now officially a couple. I thought that Gita would stay connected to Yogesh Pawar even if she claimed the opposite. I hoped that Jackie would have the guts to tell Geddings she wanted to go on date with him, but I was far from sure she would. I knew I would bid farewell to Captain James without any hope of seeing him again unless we came across each other professionally again. I think this was the happiest day of my life so far, but it was also one of my saddest despite that I tried not to show anyone. What would I say if someone asked why I was morose on a day like this; that I was pining for my married Captain?

After drinks and goodbyes, I went to our block one last time to get my bergen. I looked around in the empty room and voices from the past fourteen weeks echoed in my head. The banter and laughter of all the girls. Captain James and Corporal Geddings shouting at me I had failed another locker inspection and was up for twenty-five press-ups. James telling me I had deserved his Duckling award. Charles at the cemetery telling me about his grief over Geraint Smith. Yes, I thought of him as _Charles_ then because he had been the same man that day as in the garden. I knew now that I loved him; that gentle and almost fragile side of him; the stern emotionless side he showed everyone in public because I knew there was more behind it; the supportive, strong and kind version that had emerged at the zip wire platform; and the humorous, warm side he had showed so often during our swimming lessons. I loved all those facets of him and now I had to let him go. For always.

"Everything all right here, Dawes?"

My reverie was interrupted by Geddings.

"Just a bit sentimental about leaving I suppose."

"It's understandable. You've been through a lot here."

"And made friends I will miss."

I reached inside my locker, which was now essentially empty as my kit was packed, ready for my departure.

"Would you care to share a lemonade I have saved? As a toast farewell?"

He nodded with a smile and we sat down beside each other on my bed. I poured lemonade in two clean toothbrush glasses and gave him one.

"I guess you're happy to be rid of us?"

"Not as happy as you might think. Coaching a troop through basic training, it's a bit like raising a bunch of kids; it's hard work and half the time you wonder if it was a good idea having them, but it's wonderful to see them develop and in the end you love them. Or, errrrrm, I don't mean to say I love you all, but you mean a lot to me and I want to see you make it through."

"No worries, Corporal, I get what you mean. Thanks, for everything. I thought you were a bit of a pain in the arse in the beginning, but you're actually a top bloke."

I hesitated a second, then reached for a paper and pen and scribbled down a phone number.

"That said, if you possibly... at any time point...briefly considered that you liked one of us more than the others... this is the number to Jackie. Aston you know."

I knew he could get her number from her file any day, but I thought he might need little nudge in the right direction.

"What?"

He looked embarrassed in the cutest way.

"She'd kill me, but I figure there's nothing to lose now when we're leaving. She fancies you rotten, you know. Probably shouldn't have said that, please don't tell her that if you ever... but if you like her too, ask her out for a date when you're not her CO."

"Thanks... I'll think about it. And Dawes, I won't toast farewell. I'll toast for until we meet again, because I hope we will, and I'll toast for you making it through Phase 1. Well done."

He smiled, and I had a good feeling about him calling Jackie. We clinked or glasses and drank. Someone cleared his throat. We were not doing anything untoward yet we both got our feet and stood to attention at the sight of Captain James in the doorway, who in turn looked a bit baffled by the sight of us.

"At ease", he said but looked so tense himself that I found it impossible to relax.

"We…we…were just saying goodbye."

Frustrated I noticed that Geddings stuttered slightly, which hardly would make the ambience in the room lighter even if I did not fully understand why it felt so strained.

"So I see", Captain James said flatly and then there was an awkward pause when no one said anything.

"I'd better get going." I was the one to break the unbearable silence. I wished so intensively that I would get a moment alone with Captain James, one last, but apparently that was not going to happen. I desperately wanted to know what he thought of that we had met in Hungerford, but he had made no efforts to talk more about it after our return from FINAL FLING.

"Thanks. Thanks for everything."

With my eyes locked with his dark ones, I tried to tell him more than that but at the same time fought to keep my deepest feelings hidden.

"You're off home now?" Geddings asked.

"Yes, I'll stay there until start Phase 2. Looking forward to it."

"Good luck then."

"Good luck, I'm sure you'll be a brilliant CMT", Captain James added.

"I'll be the nuts dabbing the forehead of handsome soldiers." I grinned.

He smiled back at me, but I had the feeling the smile did not quite reach his eyes. I wanted desperately to make his eyes smile once again but did not know how. So, I just saluted them both, grabbed my kit and walked away with my heart pounding heard and tears burning on the back of my eyelids. This ought to be a happy day, and it was – yet I was also desperately sad.

* * *

The two officers stared after Molly's tiny figure as she walked away.

"She's really something. Didn't think so the first day, but sometimes it's nice to be proven wrong, isn't it?

Geddings broke the silence and James startled shifted his gaze to him and noticed something in the other man's hand.

"Is that a note with a phone number you're holding, Geddings?"

Geddings wished that the Captain for once could have been a bit less observant, but his hawk eyes never missed anything.

"Errrrrm, yes, it is. Haven't decided what to do with it yet, Sir."

"I'm sure you know what is right for you", James said dryly, his face not disclosing with as much as a twitch what he thought of a Corporal possibly dating a former recruit, then strode off leaving Geddings to his thoughts.

* * *

**_A/N: Thanks for cheering me on, writing this story! This might be the only chapter this week because work is hectic and then me and my family are supposed to go up North skiing over the weekend. If you don't hear from me ever again, you can safely assume I have broken my neck in the slopes. I'm belong to the minority group of grown-up Swedes who never learned to ski as children, but now I'll have a try. I have tried once before and I'm so not a natural talent and this is all a bit angst-filled for me. I don't even like snow and cold, but I want my kids to learn, to have fun and to not have the same handicap as me later on so I'm doing this in a very self-less act for my family - lol. By the end of these days the boys will for sure ski better than me! I'm happy if I survive and don't break anything. Wish me luck!_**

**_x_**


	17. Chapter 17: An unexpected party invite

**_A/N: I'm back, in one piece(!) and it was actually lots of fun. There were definitely moments of the trip when I wondered if it was bad judgement to go; when the kids cried and complained that the ski boots hurt, the button lift was scary, they did not want to attend ski school and they were hungry despite that we just had breakfast, etc etc, but overall it was really nice and by the end of it both the kids and I were able to handle the button lift and go down a small slope without falling. (My hubby already knows how to ski.) I'm probably prouder of my own achievement than theirs because I thought I was a hopeless case and I think we will go again next year. Although, I still much prefer a holiday in the sun if I get to choose :)_**

**_Anyway, now will try to pick up where I left off with this one. Sorry if anyone was waiting out but here is a long chapter. As always, very much appreciated if you let me know what you think!_**

* * *

**Chapter 17: An unexpected party invitation**

* * *

"I'm glad you came."

He smiled wide over the brim of the pint.

"Thanks, it's proper nice even if it's a bit strange seeing you like this, Geddings."

"I think it's about time you call me Matt, don't you?"

He gave me another wry smile. Off work, he styled his dark hair a bit messier than on duty which made him look charmingly boyish and not threatening at all.

"Now _that _will take some time getting used to, since you were so fussy about us calling you Corporal Geddings for fourteen weeks. You've clearly brainwashed all of us and now you suddenly want me to revert that. Not so easily done", I grinned and took a sip of my own beer. "Do you think you'll manage calling me Molly in a normal tone of voice instead of shouting Dawes?"

"I should hope so. It was fairly easy to change from Aston to Jackie."

"That's only because you were keen to share bed with me and I said I wouldn't if you kept calling me Aston."

Jackie returned from the ladies' room, squeezed herself into the seat next to Geddings and pecked him on the cheek. A blush of red made its way on said cheek at her mentioning them sharing bed, but mostly he looked very happy and in love.

Geddings, or Matt as I now had to get used to calling him, had not disappointed. He had phoned Jackie only a few days after I gave him her number. They had talked for hours and gone on a first date before the end of that week. From the quite detailed information my friend excitedly shared the day after, he had learned to call her Jackie before the evening was over and had in fact called out her name repeatedly under very pleasurable circumstances. As it seemed, he had not disappointed in that area either and Jackie had giggling said that finally she got to experience some benefits of having a CO who was fit as fuck.

During the following pillow-talk, Matt had confessed that he had had a secret crush on Jackie too through the better part of basic training. He had fallen for her smile early on and known for sure he was in trouble after the night out in Guildford. When we approached the end of Phase 1, he had still been hesitant if he should act on his feelings once he was not our trainer. Even if it would not be against Army regulations anymore, he would not want Jackie to feel awkward thinking he had been drooling over her all through basic training (even if he had) and therefore he had been overjoyed when I encouraged him to call her, giving him green light.

"You actually _told_ him I fancied him rotten!?" Jackie complained after the first date. "He will tease me over that forever."

"Oi! I told him _not_ to tell you that! Anyway, you should be pleased when it worked out so well. You two obviously never would have made it to a date without me."

"I am... I was just a bit embarrassed when he asked if it was true over dinner last night."

"You didn't deny it, did you?"

"Nah, seemed a bit ridiculous given the circumstances… and then he admitted he really fancied me too so in the end it was okay", she grinned.

During the three weeks that had passed since their first evening and night together, the two had dated as intensively as Matt's job allowed. Jackie and I were only to start Phase 2 after New Year, so we had a few weeks off. She was incredibly pleased as it allowed her to see a lot of Matt, but I was beginning to get a bit restless at home and was looking forward to resuming training. It had been a welcome break from my family when Jackie and Matt asked to meet up in a pub a few days before Christmas. I loved my family, but they were best in moderate portions, especially as I missed having something to occupy myself with.

Seeing Jackie and Matt together like this made me happy. I liked to get to know the real Matt, not just the Corporal and we had great fun, but when we said goodbye at the end of the evening and they left together and I took the metro home on my own, I felt a bit lonely and sad. I could only dream of a happy ending with the officer _I_ fancied, so I knew I had to let go of that dream sooner rather than later, but I was not able to quite yet.

* * *

Christmas was uneventful in the way that it was the usual heart-warming Dawes semi-chaos. It was different in the way that with both mum and dad on a pay-roll we could afford a bit extra compared to my childhood Christmases. A proper turkey, mince pies, loads of candy, a pretty little Christmas tree, tinsel all around and exchanging some small but nice gifts. That and my family was all I needed for a happy holiday. It was the first Christmas since my hospital discharge and we all felt extremely grateful to be together again as one big, half-dysfunctional but very loving family.

One person was missing instead of me this year, but for happy reasons. Beginning of December, Nan had bashfully asked if we would be fine with her celebrating with Bill in Bath instead of with us. Even if we missed her, we could not deny the two lovebirds spending their first Christmas together. They also invited the whole family to come visit them in Bath on Boxing Day and made it clear they would be thrilled to have us. In the end mum and dad were too lazy to go, or maybe felt they would be out of their Newham comfort zone, and politely declined saying they would come some other time. Then Nan asked if Bella and I, who were old enough to travel on our own, would not consider coming anyway. After spending a few weeks at home, restless without the daily Army routines, I immediately said yes, and Bella was not hard to convince either. I was longing for Nan and curious to see her and Bill's home and maybe meet his family, but in addition to that Bath attracted me for another reason which I kept to myself.

I could not stop thinking about _him_. Stupidly, the more I tried not to think about him the more I did. Once it was decided we were going to Bath, I had frequent day dreams on the same recurrent theme; that we ran into each other on a romantic street, illuminated by fairy lights above our heads and where snowflakes were falling slowly. His face would light up in happy surprise, like he had been thinking of me too ever since passing out and could not quite believe his luck to run into me. I would look pretty, not red-nosed and freezing but he would offer to keep me warm anyway and wrap me in his strong arms. Then he would murmur something like 'Christ, I've missed you Dawesy' and press his lips to mine in a passionate kiss. It was surprising how many different variations of that scene I could imagine, all very lovely and equally unlikely to actually happen. If I ever ran into him it was more plausible that he would bark 'Dawes, what the fuck are you doing here? Are you stalking me, or what?' But mind you, even that would be nice, if I only got to see him.

Bella and I caught an early train on Boxing Day morning, so we would reach Bath before lunch. The afternoon before Nan had texted us an instruction to bring something really nice to wear. 'Bring best Christmas dresses, going to a party. A fancy one.' This last-minute instruction caused me and Bella a minor stress attack because we had no idea if we owned anything fancy enough. In the end I called Nan for clarification of what kind of party it actually was and the applicable dress code.

"Now when only the two of you come, we thought it was nice to accept an invitation to a Christmas party from Bill's childhood friend, Arthur. It will be sort of an afternoon cocktail mingle followed by dinner, that's what the invite says anyway."

Bella and I giggled hearing Nan talking about cocktail mingle. I do not think she had ever been to one before in her life, and neither had Bella or I.

"So, what should we wear?"

"Cocktail dress for ladies, black tie for the men."

"Jeez, that sounds awfully posh! Are you sure they will let us in?"

"Of course, they will! I've met Arthur and Alice and they're the nicest people you can imagine despite... What did you say, dear?" She was obviously interrupted by Bill. "Sorry girls, got to go!. Bill's kids are here, and dinner is served. See you tomorrow."

Bella and I went through out mutual wardrobe but in all fairness nothing we owned could be called 'cocktail dress'. I had a few dresses, but most were summer dresses, and none seemed fancy enough. Shops were closed as it was Christmas Day, so in the end I made an emergency call to Jackie who was excited when she heard about the party invitation and dress crisis.

"Of course, you can borrow dresses! Just come over and pick what you want."

Said and done, Bella and I took the metro to Jackie's parents' home. They are a typical middle-class family living in a cute little house and despite that Jackie had a few siblings, it was very different from the disorder in the crowded Dawes house. No one seemed to mind we interrupted their Christmas celebration for a while and Jackie's mum insisted we brought some eggnog to accompany our dress fitting. Jackie had a wardrobe packed with beautiful dresses. Apparently she had always been a very girly girl before she decided to join the Army and there was plenty to choose from. Both Bella and I were very pleased with what we brought with us home an hour later and felt we could exhale as we now were prepared for a cocktail party at least when it came to proper outfits. The fact that we were two cockney girls who never had been to a similar happening was more difficult to do anything about.

* * *

Nan and Bill met us at the station, both seeming equally excited over our visit and they had an intensive schedule planned for us. We immediately drove home to Bill's son Thomas for lunch and received a heartily welcome. It seemed like Bill's children were as happy as we were that the two had found each other, and Bill's grandchildren had easily accepted Nan as a step-grandmother. After lunch, we left for Bill's house, which now also was Nan's home. I immediately liked it, because it felt like the home of loving and caring people who liked to welcome guests and I could see how much Nan enjoyed being here. Bella and I got one guest bedroom each because there was plenty of space and compared to living at home or in the shared room at barracks, this felt like pure luxury.

"I think I might move in here with you, Nan."

I sighed with contentment as I threw myself on the fluffy bed.

"Don't get too comfy there because now you only have one hour to make yourselves ready, girls. Then the cab will come and pick us up for the party."

I did not remember the streets of Bath in detail from the previous time I was here, and the snow also made everything look different, so it was only when the cab turned into the crescent-shaped street that I started to get a bit anxious. As all the house facades were identical, it was difficult to say which one belonged to the James family, but I happened to remember that it was no. 4.

"Here we are, no. 4!" the cab driver announced chirpily, and I wanted to sink through the car seat.

What were the odds, that Bill's childhood friend Arthur was none other than Mr. James? Even if I wanted to see Captain James more than anything, I did not want to make a surprise appearance in his parents' home if he was there. However, it seemed like I had no choice, because I could not come up with any good excuse not to join the party even if I tried my best to escape.

"Are you really sure about this, Bill? That it's okay that Bella and I come? Maybe we should just go home, and you and Nan go on your own?"

"Don't be silly Molly", Bill chuckled. "Their Boxing Day party is always a big one, with family and friends and friends' friends and they will only be happy to welcome two pretty girls like you two. It's an impressive house but I can assure you that Arthur and Alice are very down to earth. Now when you are dressed to the nines it would be a shame if you didn't come to the party. "

"It's one of them houses we went to last summer!" Bella exclaimed. "Is it the same one Molly?"

"I'm not sure", I lied, feeling cold sweat on my palms despite the winter-chilly air.

"When you had your date with Bill, Nan, we went to a guided tour inside one of these houses."

"Then maybe you have already met our hosts. Let's go now, I don't want to hear any more objections. I'm sure you'll have a great time." Bill put his hand on my back and kindly guided me towards the door. The bare trees on each side of the gravel path leading up to the entrance were decorated with hundreds of fairy lights and the huge door was framed by a thick holly garland, not plastic but the real thing. It all looked very welcoming, Christmassy and exclusive like from a glossy magazine and I was not sure if it made me more or less terrified. On the other hand, it was not the hosts that scared me, it was meeting their son if he was here.

Bill knocked on the lion-shaped brass knocker but did not wait for anyone to open the door, obviously feeling at home here. Mr. and Mrs. James and a few other guests who just had arrived were standing in the large hallway and cheerfully welcomed us. Our hosts had already met Nan in the company of Bill, but he introduced me and Bella. Mr. James, or Arthur, did not seem to recognise us but I saw that Mrs. James was looking quizzically at me. After all, we had a quite long chat that time.

"We _have _met, if you think I look familiar", I told her. "Me and my sister were here last summer, when you opened your house for a guided tour. It's just a coincidence… I had no idea we were going here today." I had the urge to excuse myself because I felt like a sneaky intruder.

"But of course! You're Molly, right?" She had an admirable memory. "Honestly, you were more interesting than the average tourist we have visiting here so I wouldn't forget you. I _do _like people who are more interested in people than in buildings, even if I wouldn't tell my husband", she winked conspiratorially and once again I thought how much I liked her.

"Oh, thanks Mrs. James."

"Please, call me Alice."

I thought I ought to tell her that since then I had happened to come across her son, the one we had talked about looking at the photo on the mantelpiece, but more guests arrived, so she had to welcome them and we needed to move out of the way. We left our coats in a cloak room which was larger than the kitchen in mum's and dad's council house and I nervously smoothed out some creases on my dress. I was grateful I had borrowed this beautiful dress from Jackie, so I felt like I belonged here at least when it came to clothing. I caught a glimpse of Bella and myself in the huge mirror outside the cloak room and had to agree with Bill that we were two quite pretty girls. Bella with her honey coloured hair, dressed in a navy lace dress which followed the curves of her body in a very flattering yet elegant way, paired with a red clutch and matching high heels; and me with my darker hair in loose waves, in a deep red dress, off the shoulder and knee length, clinging to my upper body but with a wider skirt. I liked the way it showed my neckline and shoulders without too much cleavage, as I have never been comfortable dressing in a way that showed my tits overly much. I had to admit that it made my nowadays athletic figure look quite sensational and for the first time I wished that Captain James was here after all, just so he would see me in this dress. Maybe for once I would not feel so tiny beside him either, as I was wearing 3-inch heels. I had tried on a 4-inch pair but quickly realised I could not walk without falling tits over arse in them, so I went for the slightly safer option, but still felt tall.

Bella elbowed me in the side.

"We don't look so shabby, eh?"

"No, we don't. We owe Jackie one."

She grabbed my hand and we walked into the salon where the pre-dinner mingle was ongoing. It was the same huge room where Mr. James had started his guided tour, now extravagantly decorated, including a huge Christmas tree in one corner and already half-full of party guests with more arriving by the minute. My eyes immediately sought the photo on the mantelpiece. From a distance I could see that it still was there, and I thought to myself how strange it was that I now knew the man that boy had turned into. Or at least had scraped on the surface of him, claiming to know him might be stretching our relationship too far.

A waiter immediately served us each a glass of fizz and I gratefully grabbed mine because I needed it to calm my nerves and get through this party. While I was sipping the lovely sparkling liquid and felt it warming my insides, I let my gaze wander over the guests in the room and was disappointed and relieved in equal measures that Captain James was not to be seen among them. Maybe he would not come. Maybe he was working, or had already been deployed, or…

"Dawes? What the fuck you doing here?"

I did not need to see him to know it was him, by now I would recognise that voice anywhere and in addition to that, the comment was exactly what I had expected. He was starting to get a bit predictable. I turned, only to realise my heels made a minimal difference, my eyes were still level with his chest unless I tilted my head in a steep angle. It was quite the revelation to see him like this, in a slim perfectly fitting black suit, obviously made of quality fabric not some cheap nylon crap, a white crisp shirt without a hint of a crease (naturally as he is obsessed with ironing) and a bow tie. He was no longer good-looking like he always was in uniform or jeans and t-shirt. He was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and I felt my heart pounding so heard it surprised me he could not hear it. His look was one of surprise, dismay and something else which I could not quite decipher. Before I had the chance to answer his rude question, Alice James intervened.

"Charles James! What kind of language is that to use to one of our guests? No, what kind of language is that to use _anywhere_? You make me feel ashamed I have not raised you better!" The look on her face made me realise that _his _stern-face look might be inherited rather than acquired because it was identical, and it seemed to have the same effect on him as he used to have on us recruits.

"Sorry mum, I-I was just not expecting to see Dawes here. It was a big surprise you could say."

Even if his cheeks got a bit flushed at being told off and he stuttered slightly while answering her, a new and quite adorable side to him, his intense eyes did not let go of mine and the question remained in them why I was here. He only let go briefly to let his gaze travel down my body and up again as if fleetingly noticing my dress, causing my cheeks to burn too. Alice slapped him on the arm.

"And stop with that nonsense calling her just by her surname! This is not an Army gathering, so please call her Molly or possibly Ms. Dawes, but not Dawes. Manners, Charles! Manners!"

Now he actually looked a bit amused in combination with embarrassed. I found it very entertaining to see this new side of him, the son who did not like to disappoint his mother. Maybe this party could be quite enjoyable after all.

"I'll call her Molly, I promise mum." He resisted rolling his eyes, just.

"So, how do the two of you know each other?"

"We met through work."

Her gaze shifted expectantly back and forth between us, but he did not seem inclined to elaborate further on the subject, so neither did I and after an awkward silence she decided to give up. For now.

"Right. How nice, then I'll leave you kids to it." Not sure what she wanted to leave us to, but she happily mingled on to other guests after one last glance on us.

"I'm so in for an inquisition later", he mumbled.

"What?"

"No, nothing. My mum is just a notoriously curious woman who won't let things go easily. Now, Dawes… _Molly_, will you please be so kind to tell me what you're doing here?"

My name sounded unfamiliar coming from his mouth. It was a bit like he was tasting it when he said it, tried it on his tongue for the first time. I liked the way it sounded spoken with his deep, soft voice, almost like a verbal caress. Like me on his tongue. God, I really had to stop my thoughts from straying that direction.

"Well, right now I'm drinking some very nice bubbly. Good to see you too, Sir."

"I meant, what are you doing _at my parents' Boxing Day party_?"

He pronounced it very clearly, almost punctuating after each word, so I really would get it. The answer to that could still be that I was enjoying a drink, but as I'm not totally dim-witted I knew what he meant and did not want to push his patience further.

"If you mean how I ended up here, I'm as surprised as you but it turns out my Nan's new chap is best friends with your dad, so we were invited."

"Bill? Is Bill with your Nan?"

"Yes. They were each other's first loves before they got married to others but were separated when his family left London. They found each other again through Facebook last summer. Now Nan has practically moved in with him."

His frown changed into a smile.

"Small world these days. Bill and your Nan... I liked her when we met at the cap badge ceremony, she was quite a character. I can imagine them together."

"They're over there so you don't need to imagine, just have a look."

He turned and we both took in the sight of Nan and Bill across the room. They looked happy and relaxed. He was laughing at something she just said and had placed his hand at the small of her back, proudly showing everyone that she was _with_ him. She looked up into his face radiating pure love. They seemed so at ease, so natural together. I could barely remember her with grandpa, but I did not think they ever looked like this. I think Nan loved grandpa, but I had the feeling Bill was her soulmate – and I had not even believed in soulmates before. It made me a little sad they had missed so many years together, but mostly it made me happy they had found each other now.

"It looks right, doesn't it? Like they belong together. Isn't it beautiful when two people find each like that, even if they're old?"

"It is", he agreed but when I shifted my gaze to him, he was not looking at them, he was looking at _me_ and I felt my skin prickle as if he was touching me not just watching. Then he seemed to snap out of whatever thought he had been caught up in and cleared his throat.

"Do you want another drink? You seem to have downed the one you had. Unusual for you, Dawes", he smirked.

I looked down in my glass and to my surprise found it empty. I must have finished it out of nervousness without even noticing.

"That would be nice, thanks." I needed it badly.

He took two full champagne flutes from the tray of another passing waiter and handed me one.

"Do they always work here?"

"Who?"

"The waiters?"

"No, of course not. They're just hired for the party, normally it's just mum and dad in the house these days and we've never had servants."

"Ah, it looks like a house where you could have a whole bunch of housemaids and butlers and a cook."

"Maybe it does, but we don't", a smile playing on his lips. "Did you know this was my house when you came here? Or my parents?"

"Both yes and no."

He stared at me quizzically, waiting for further explanation.

"I didn't know we were going _here_ today, but I knew it was your parents house once we got here. You see, I've been here before…"

"Here, in this house?" His eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yes, by coincidence. We were in Bath last summer, because Nan wanted to meet up with Bill. Then this woman at the tourist office lured me and Jackie and Bella (that's my sister over there) to join a guided tour of some posh house and we ended up here. I just happened to see your photo then, on the mantelpiece, so when I saw you the first day in Pirbright I recognised you as Mrs. James son."

"A guided tour, Christ, you've really been snooping around my house, Dawes and you never said."

I felt my cheeks heat up again, but he just looked amused.

"I'm a lot younger in that photo, I'm surprised you even recognised me."

"You look pretty much the same, but you seemed much nicer in the photo than you actually were… I mean in the beginning… before you… when you treated me like I was the worst recruit you had ever met." I bit my lower lip to make myself stop talking because it felt like a was digging myself deeper into trouble with every uttered word.

He gave me a stern look but then burst into another breath-taking smile.

"I_ did_ think you were the worst recruit I had met, but you proved me wrong."

"Thanks, and you turned out to be quite nice after all."

When he remained quiet I found myself compelled to look up into his eyes and saw a flicker of something there, something disconcerting which made butterflies swarm wildly in my stomach.

"Thanks, Dawes."

"You might consider calling me Molly when we're off duty, like your mum suggested, Sir."

"I might, but only if you stop calling me Sir. People here know me as Charles, but I guess you knew that too."

Now his stare was almost too intense to meet, and I wondered if we really were approaching the subject of Hungerford, was he willing to talk about that in a room full of mingling people? Would he want to talk about that he had confessed that he doubted essentially everything in his life including his choice of partner?

I never got to know because, thinking of the devil, Georgie Lane came floating through the room towards us like a vision of beauty, obviously able to handle 5-inch heels without tripping and leaving very little to the imagination in a lilac tight-fitting strapless dress. It looked like it came from a posh boutique yet somehow a bit cheap. Sometimes when a woman with large tits have a balconette bra and wears a dress like that, which presses on her boobs, I fear they might pop over the hem of the dress any second. I was fearing that very much when I saw Georgie approaching. It would be quite awkward if she had a major nip slip in the middle of this room and I almost held my breath, but in the end she reached us with boobs still safely tucked into the dress, even if only just.

"Charlie, I need a word with you."

She did not acknowledge my presence with as much as a nod or a smile and I was sure she did not recognise me from any of the occasions we had met before. People like me were probably like vermin to her.

"I was in the middle of a conversation."

Every hint of a smile had disappeared from his face.

"I think you want to hear this." She grabbed his arm possessively and pulled for him to come with her. He shrugged his shoulders apologetically and followed her out of the room. She was beautiful, but she really did not seem to have beautiful personality, the first impression persisted. If I only could understand why he did not dump her. Not that it would make him more inclined to be with me, but he could at least be with someone nicer than her.

"Don't stand here looking morose", Bella came and took my hand. "There are so many nice people here, come and meet Alex and Julian."

Immediately when I saw the two young men, I understood they must be Charles' younger brothers and they confirmed that as we chatted. It turned out they were in total five siblings, two girls as well. None of them were staying at home any longer, all had their own homes and were either working or at the university. Charles was the only one who had chosen the Army. Alex and Julian seemed to be great blokes and Bella was flirting openly with both of them which they seemed to appreciate, but despite that they were closer to me in age than Charles, very good-looking in a way reminding of him, more approachable and singles as it seemed, I did not feel any spark inside me when I was near them. Maybe because I was already lost to their older brother, no matter how pointless it was.

Even if I wondered what had happened with Charles and Georgie, who had not reappeared in the room, I had a great time. Somehow, my champagne flute seemed to be replaced or refilled constantly and I began to feel tipsy in a very pleasant way which I had not experienced in years, as I had been so careful about drinking after my hospital discharge. When Arthur jingled a small brass bell to get everyone's attention and announced it was time to take our seats for dinner, I thought to myself that it was about time to complement the drinks with some food, so I would not get completely plastered.

There was a beautifully written placement card by each plate and after searching for a while I found mine.

"Seems you won't get rid of me tonight, Da… _Molly_." The card by the plate to my left said _Charles. _His eyes seemed to twinkle with amusement.

"Or, it's you that won't get rid of me, _Charles_", I grinned back at him, my heart fluttering with joy.

Suddenly I did not care about Georgie. I was feeling wondrously relaxed from the champagne, the evening was so lovely, and he would be mine for the dinner. Even if I never would have another second of his attention, I was incredibly happy about this very moment.

"You seem happy?"

"I am."

He just smiled at that and pulled out the chair for me like a gentleman, which I suppose he really was when he was not busy playing Captain Arsehole.

"I have a feeling my mother tampered with the seating last minute. When I had a look earlier I was seated over there."

"Why would she do that?"

"Seems like she for some reason thinks I deserved your company."

"Should I take that as a compliment or not?"

"As a compliment, definitively. Even if she thinks I lack manners, she loves me dearly, so she would only place me next to someone she likes."

The dinner was a fantastic experience. The food was amazing and the others next to us at the table all very nice, but I did not really pay much attention to any of that. I was mesmerised by Charles brown smiling eyes, his melodious voice, his laughter – and we were laughing _a lot_ together. As he leaned in to say something to me, I was surrounded by his heady smell, a musky pleasant aftershave he never had on at work, or at least not the few times when I had been close enough to possibly smell it. Now we nearly touched each other most of the time, and some of the time we did, just brushing a leg, an arm or a shoulder against the other's. It was intoxicating. I knew that if he had risen from the table, scooped me up and told me he was taking me to bed, I would only had wrapped my arms around him and kissed him in response and said 'yes, please'. I would not have needed any foreplay because he was playing my heartstrings more than enough just like this.

I do not know if I was funnier than I used to be when I'm sober, or if it was the ambience or just the fact that we had the longest relaxed conversation we ever had, but I made him laugh so hard that he had to wipe tears from the corners of his eyes and was complaining I was killing him, which was an unfair accusation as he was really killing _me_ because I wanted him so much. Only once did I take notice of Georgie who was seated further down the long table and furiously looked at us like she wanted to kill us both. If she had been a nicer person I would have felt guilty even if we did not _really_ do anything untoward, now I just blocked her out from my mind.

"It's lucky we don't allow alcohol during basic training Dawes, because it would have been very difficult for me to maintain my stern officer attitude if you were arsing around like this."

"With all due respect, I think you would efficiently have managed to suffocate any attempt from my side to be funny. I seem to remember you're quite good at that when you want to. You didn't seem best pleased when I was a tiny bit funny the first day."

"I only do what the situation demands of me, but I like it better this way I must admit."

He would not break eye contact and neither did I, our smiles slowly faded, and the moment somehow felt charged.

"I'm glad you came to this party. It's always quite nice but this is the best one by far." He finally broke the silence.

"Thanks. I'm glad you came too, though I guess that was more expected than me turning up. I mean, it's only the second time in my life I'm in Bath and both those times I've ended up in _your_ house without planning to. It's strange, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it's quite strange." He paused, dropped his gaze and was nursing his wine glass. "For someone who claims to almost never have been out of London, you kept quite busy last summer. Bath, Hungerford… I wonder if there were any other interesting stops on that road trip?"

"Nah, there were a few other stops but those were the highlights. I think Hungerford might have been my favourite."

Again, he brought up Hungerford, here during this dinner, but on the other hand most of this conversation had felt like it was only the two of us in the room and he did not seem bothered talking about it.

"When did you know? That it was me in the garden?" I had to ask.

"At the six-week-cap badge ceremony, when I learned from your Nan your name is Molly. Then everything fell into place and I couldn't understand I had been so blind before. Your voice, your way of being, of course it was you."

He shook his head.

"I've never met anyone who makes me blurt out things like I were in a bloody confession booth in the way I do with you. I'm not sure what to make of it. It's in a way a relief but it's very inconvenient when I'm your commanding officer."

"But you're not."

"What?"

"You're not my CO anymore."

"No."

He seemed to contemplate this and again, there was this charged silence between us. I was quite sure that if the other guests had not been chatting, a sizzling sound would have been heard in the air surrounding us. If I had been sober, I would probably had been more confused. His girlfriend/wife sat further down this table and he did not seem to care the least. Either he was not experiencing the same things I did, or he just did not care about her. All I knew was that I could not be bothered with the reason right now, I was in a bubble of happiness. If this was the only moment in my life I would have with him and that bubble would pop soon, I intended to enjoy it to the fullest while it lasted, and it was not like we were doing something forbidden. We were talking and laughing in a room full of people and it was magical, or at least it was to me.

"And you? Did you know from start it was me who had spilled my heart out, there in the garden?"

"No, I had no idea. I think I was already surprised enough that I had come across Mrs. James' son and he was my twat of a Captain."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, you know I changed my mind. Anyway, because of that it never occurred to me you could be Charles, so I realised even later than you. It was the day when Georgie Lane came to visit you. Jackie and I were on guard duty and she came driving and said she was visiting Captain _Charles_ James. Stupidly, I actually thought your name was James until then. I recognised her from the B&B and that was when I put two and two together, understood that you two were…"

Suddenly the easiness left us, and I felt myself choking a bit on my words, acknowledging aloud he had someone else meant I no longer could ignore it. It reminded me I was probably crossing a border and should not enjoy myself quite this much in his company. He seemed liked he had been reminded of that too and I saw him glance in her direction.

"I see", he just said and stared down in the glass he still was fidgeting with. He took a deep breath of air. "Did you see Geddings after basic training finished?"

The question surprised me, I wondered why he would ask that but guessed Matt might have told him how I gave him Jackie's number and answered truthfully.

"Yeah, I saw Matt right before Christmas, met up in a pub. It was really nice to see him like that."

"You're 'Matt' with him? Of course." For some reason he gave up a hollow laugh which gave me the chills. "So, you'll meet again?"

"I suppose so."

I was about to go on and tell him how great Matt and Jackie seemed to get along, when he abruptly got to his feet.

"Excuse me, I just have to…"

I assumed it was his polite way of telling me he needed to go to the restroom, so I just nodded even if I thought it a bit odd that he left whilst I was telling him something, and he strode off. Dinner was coming to an end and while he was gone we broke up from the table. Mingle continued and it seemed there might even be some dancing. I saw Bella talking to one of Charles' brothers but was not sure if it was Alex or Julian. Charles still did not return, and I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that something had gone wrong, but I did not understand what.

My shoes were killing me, and I went aside to be able to take them off for a while. I walked up the gigantic stairs with the hope of finding some space to myself. On the top of the stairs to the first floor, a boy was sitting. He was around ten years old and I immediately knew this was Sam because he was the spitting image of his father. Charles must have been so young when he had him, only around twenty. Younger than I was now but older than mum when she had me. Was Sam the reason him and Georgie were still together?

"Hi." He smiled at me.

"Hi there. Okay if I sit here for a while?"

"Sure."

"Are you enjoying the party?"

"I like to watch the guests."

"Mmm, so do I. I've never been to a party like this before where everyone look so posh."

"You haven't? We have one every year. And you look posh too, in a good way."

"Thanks, though I'm not really. Posh I mean. Do you know all the guests?"

"I don't know you."

"True, I'm Molly. I know your dad from his job."

"I'm Sam. How did you know he's my dad?"

"You kind of look like him and he has told me about you. You seem like a nice boy." I smiled at him.

It was true. Beside that he was super-cute, he seemed a bit shy and I really liked him.

"You seem nice too. I like everyone here, except Georgie. I wish she would go home."

"You don't like your _mum_?" I snorted because I had to hold back a triumphant laugh. This was a surprise even if _I_ did not like her, and actually quite sad if he did not like his mum come to think of it, but he rolled his eyes.

"Georgie is _not_ my mum! She's just someone we know, and dad's girlfriend even if I don't understand why he would want to go out with her."

I took in his words. Georgie was _not _his mum. She was just a girlfriend, not a wife. From what he said I could not make out for sure if she was present or past, but it was obvious Sam did not like her. I was desperate to ask him if a relationship still was going on or not, but before I summoned the courage to snoop into his dad's love life we were interrupted.

"Sam, I'm taking you home now."

I looked up on him. Even if he was standing a few steps down, he was towering like a bloody giant over us where we were seated and once again I was overwhelmed by the way he looked tonight in that dark suit. He had his arms crossed over his chest and his face had changed from before, his expression now serious and impenetrable instead of the open and friendly Charles he had shown me a glimpse of.

"I don't want to go yet." Sam sulked beside me and Charles sat down on his other side with a sigh and raked his fingers through his hair.

"It's late for you and I have a very early start tomorrow, so we need to get going."

I felt cripplingly disappointed that he was about to leave. He had not mentioned earlier that he would need to leave before the party was over, but on the other hand he had no obligation to share his plans with me.

"You know I'll drop you off at your mum's and your Christmas gifts from her are waiting there, remember?", he tempted. Suddenly the boy was alert, jumped up and happily started skipping down the stairs.

"Come on then, dad, let's go!"

"You go and say bye to grandma and grandpa. I'll just say bye to Molly before I come."

My heart nearly skipped a beat at the thought of having a moment alone with him, an opportunity to rectify whatever had gone to shit earlier.

"Okay. Just so you know, you're sitting under a mistletoe, dad", Sam shouted cheerfully and disappeared down the stairs.

To my disappointment Charles got to his feet, it seemed he had not had a longer chat in mind, the magic from before apparently gone. He reached out his hand to help me up and an insecure giggle escaped me, needing to show him I did not expect him to pay any attention to Sam's word about the offending mistletoe above us. Without shoes, standing on bare feet on the soft carpet, I was tiny next to him. I met his eyes again, now dark and intense and there was no smile. Instead of letting go of my hand and move away from me, he stepped closer, tipped my chin up further, cupped my face in his hands and went in for a kiss without showing any trace of hesitation. It was not the chaste brushing of lips one could expect from someone who just politely kissed another because they accidentally happen to be under a mistletoe and a third person annoyingly pointed it out. He went in for a full kiss, forceful and compelling yet with soft lips which he parted and let his tongue swirl into my mouth in the most amazing way. His one hand left my face to move down my back, and pressed me harder to him, simultaneously deepening the wondrous kiss. I felt like I did not have a bone left in my body, I think I stopped breathing or being aware of anything but his lips, his exploring tongue, the hard planes of his body pressed to mine, his apparent strength and radiating body heat, but I somehow managed to coil my arms around his neck, twine my fingers in his curls and pull him further to me, my lips clamping to his never wanting to let go. The hand on my cheek moved into my hair, grasping it so it hurt just a little, still I was enjoying it because he held me to him and seemed to appreciate feeling my hair between his fingers. Then, abruptly, he loosened his hold and backed away, his chest heaving, his expression both upset and utterly confused over what he just had done. I had to take back what I thought earlier this evening, about him starting to get predictable.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm being deployed tomorrow, and I guess I just wanted to snog a lovely girl before I leave. Take care Molly and I'm sure you will do well in Phase 2."

Before I managed to say anything, tell him to wait, ask him what just happened, and could I please have some more of it whatever it was, he turned and rushed down the stairs, only to shout over his shoulder.

"Give Geddings my best!"

He was gone, and I was left in a turmoil of emotions and with lips still burning from the touch of his. It was only afterwards I realised two things; I did not have a phone number, e-mail or anything to contact him by unless I tried to get that information through the Army and I was not sure I was comfortable with that or that he for that matter would want me to contact him considering the lightning speed he had left with. Secondly, and an even more disturbing thought; was it possible that he had gotten it all wrong and thought that _I _was dating Geddings? I had no way of finding out right now, because tomorrow morning he was being deployed and I did not know where to or for how long.

All I knew was that I was glaringly and irrevocably in love with him, and thinking of it, there was a third thing that stuck with me. He had called me a lovely girl.


	18. Chapter 18:Blind date

**_A/N: My writing is a bit slower for the moment. Not because I like it less, but life tends to come in between both writing itself and thinking about the story and I need some time to figure out how plot will go. It will go on slower but surely though. Glad you are sticking with the story and thanks for each individual review! One thing I love with the fanfiction site _****_is the stats section. There I can see this story has been read in 31 (!) countries which is difficult to grasp but very inspiring. It is just lovely that there are people in so many places who enjoy Our Girl between the series and it makes me curious about who you all are. I remain absolutely fascinated you care to read what I write. Thank you!_**

* * *

**Chapter 18: Blind date**

* * *

"Molly, we have known each other for nine months or so now, right?"

"Yeah?"

Reluctantly I looked up from my magazine with the latest gossip about Baby Sussex and its parents and spoke with voice muffled by the Dairy Milk I had been busy munching. Jackie was stating a fact, but I sensed she was heading somewhere specific with the conversation.

We were now two months gone on the 22-week long Phase 2 training which was to transform us into Level 3 Emergency Medical Technicians. Time had passed quickly so far, and it was strange because just like the time when I held the rifle in my hand and instinctively knew exactly how to assemble it, there were so many of the things they taught us here that came naturally to me, like I had done them before. I truly felt I was in my right element and loved it. In knew in my heart that I had made the right choice when I decided to specialise as CMT and could hardly wait for the day when I would get to practise my skills for real.

This part of our training took place at the Defence School of Healthcare Education in Birmingham and when I moved to the new city I had been thrilled to have Jackie with me because I loved her company and it made me feel more confident to know I already had one friend. By now we had settled and made many new great friends. We missed Gita and Katie of course, who had decided for other types of specialised training and were based elsewhere, but we stayed in touch and had met up for a weekend in London which had ended up with everyone getting well plastered and dancing in a club all night. Even I was totally pissed for the first time since my eighteenth birthday, for once I had felt comfortable letting go of control and just enjoyed myself.

Jackie and Matt stayed together and met up any weekend they were off duty. They had already discussed trying to get posted in the same place once we had finished Phase 2 and Jackie was to do her apprenticeship. They were ridiculously in love, much to my amusement, only sometimes and secretly causing me to feel jealous. Now when she interrupted my lazy magazine-and-chocolate-moment it somehow seemed like Jackie had the idea that she wanted to meddle to achieve the same kind of blissful happiness for me.

"In all this time, I haven't seen you so much as glance at a guy."

It sounded like an accusation but anyway her words were a relief because it meant even my best friend had not noticed I was seriously perving over Captain James during basic.

"No?"

"No, not when we were working, not when we were on vacation last summer, not during Phase 1 _or_ Phase 2, not even when we went clubbing - and it's not like there hasn't been men around. Either you're a bloody nun or..."

"Or what?"

Suddenly nervous she would say I had a crush on Captain James after all, or maybe she reckoned I was lesbian, that would be better.

"... or you still haven't let go of that imaginary ex-husband of yours."

That was _not_ true. The faceless man had disappeared from my dreams. He had gradually been replaced by Captain James, Charles, and completely vanished after the kiss in Bath, but I would go to lengths never to let Jackie know. The combination of the facts that he had a girlfriend, was a superior ranking officer and generally so gorgeous that he was way out of my league made my feelings too embarrassing to confess to anyone even now when he was gone. The mere thought that she accidentally might mention it to Matt made entire body feel flushed. So, I pulled a white lie.

"You're right. I don't think of him as much, but I can't let go either. Then there's the teeny tiny detail that I haven't met anyone I like."

"That's because you don't _meet_ anyone! Not really. You never say yes when someone asks you on a date, you never flirt. If a guy comes up to you you're nice and all that but you immediately put him in the friends' zone without giving him a chance."

"Maybe I haven't met the right guy."

"You wouldn't notice if a top bloke was standing right in front of your nose waiting to snog you because you're _not looking_."

"Oh but I..."

"Molly! You're 22..."

"Soon 23."

"23, even worse. You haven't had a boyfriend or a shag in bloody ages. You should flirt and date and have fun! You deserve that."

"I have fun..."

"In a very moderate kind of way. _You_ are fun Molly, you're the bestest friend anyone can have, and you have a killer sense of humour, but you need to allow yourself to enjoy yourself for real, to live and love. Sometimes I have a feeling that part of you may not be completely _here_ still. Didn't you waste enough time while you were _in_ that hospital?"

It still hurt a little to think of the years I wasted because of Artan and she was right, but not in the way she thought as it was not my past that held me back now. Two months after Bath, Charles still occupied my thoughts much of the time and sometimes (like every fifteen minutes) made me absent minded. I had analysed that evening down to the microscopic level yet could not figure out what had happened. Well, on the surface I knew; we had been getting on brilliantly, then something went a bit shit, then he kissed me (and for the record I had never, _never_ experienced such a quality snog before which made my toes curl and stomach twist and sent urgent messages from my brain to my groin or the other way around) and then went off on tour without another word - but I could not figure out what had played out underneath the surface and it was killing me. Why was he with Georgie if he doubted the relationship so much and did not seem to be happy in it? Why had he sought my company instead of hers and immediately been in a bad mood whenever she was close? I knew it was impossible that he had feelings for me even if I could not help nurturing a tiny grain of hope, but why on earth had he kissed me? If he wanted to kiss 'a lovely girl' before he was deployed, should he not be kissing his girlfriend? And _if_ he thought that I was with Matt, what was it to him? I hated that I had so many questions spinning on repeat and not one single answer.

Now I felt I had to play along with Jackie, though.

"What do you want me to do then?"

"_Try_ to fall in love again at least."

And here I was trying as hard as I could to fall _out of_ love.

"Will you let me set you up for a blind date?"

"What?"

"A blind date. An old friend of Matt's comes here from Catterick over the weekend. We could go out all four of us, like a double-date."

So, it was _this_ her eloquent little speech came down to; setting me up for a date. Nice ambush.

"I don't know."

"Pleeease, it could be fun! Besides, you would be doing me a favour because otherwise they will have a lads' only night and I'm dying to see Matt."

She kept on begging me until I felt I would get a stroke if I did not accept, plus I happened to agree with her that I really ought to move on, even if from the unattainable Captain James rather than my dreamt husband, so in the end I said yes.

* * *

The following Saturday we were to meet Matt and his friend, Dylan, in a pub. I was not nervous, I was not very expectant, but I was hoping for a fun evening. I had made an effort to look nice; put on a light but careful makeup, blow-dried my hair which always made it shinier than just letting it dry naturally and wore my best skinny jeans and a new top. I knew the moment I saw Dylan that it was wasted effort in the way that I would never be attracted to him, but I was still hoping we would get along and have a nice evening. Unfortunately, I had no such luck.

Dylan, or Smurf as he was called, was a Welsh guy who Matt had come to know staying in the same student house when they were at university. It seemed like Matt had spent two years there, actually studying, then quit and gone for the Army career he always had wanted. Smurf on the other hand had stayed at uni another couple of years, but from the stories he told it seemed like he hardly had opened a book during or after Matt's days there. He had spent his time drinking and shagging and drinking and shagging some more and was proud to boast about it to anyone who cared to listen. To anyone who did _not_ care to listen too for that matter. I noticed that Matt seemed a bit taken aback by his verbal diarrhoea about the Smurfoid's drunken nights and conquests (yes, he actually spoke of himself in third person). Jackie told me later that Matt had been surprised to discover that the friend he had not seen for quite some time, had not grown up at all but instead seemed even more immature than he remembered him.

After passing time faking studying without actually earning a degree, Smurf had in the end decided for the Army too because from Matt's stories he thought it seemed interesting and he thought uniform would attract the opposite sex. There was also the upside that one could be accepted as a recruit without any formal degrees if one only passed the tests and was fit enough and he had always been mindful to stay fit to impress the ladies. He was not material for an officer, well he did not admit that, but it was glaringly apparent to anyone after meeting him five minutes, so he enlisted as a private and was now posted in Catterick, hoping to get deployed any day.

"You know, a section as brilliant as ours, and an excellent private like _me_ (our commander calls me the best recruit in Catterick!), they won't keep us posted back home for long. Destined for bigger things, if you know what I mean", he said, necked his third beer and grinned wicked at me.

He was an excellent drinker that was for sure, but I doubted he excelled in anything else. During the first thirty minutes of the double-date I had studied and listened to him intently, because there was something familiar about him. It was a bit like when I saw Captain James the first time and had a passing feeling that we had met before, that I knew him, except that with Smurf it left me with an uncanny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like a bad premonition. Of course, there was nothing to it.

"No, I don't know. What are you destined for?" I immediately regretted asking.

"Taking out the enemy! Wiping out the Taliban and ISIS and heading for promotion of course."

"What with the Taliban? Last time I looked we had pulled out of Afghanistan?"

"Don't mark my words, you get what I mean. Pop the heads of any evil bastards out there, that's what we are going to do. Another beer, luv." The last was for a passing waitress, getting her attention slapping her arse and she gave him the evil eye, but he seemed oblivious to it. He ordered another beer without noticing my glass was empty too. Not that I wanted to keep drinking with _his_ speed, but it was just impolite, and I could do with another drink to be able to stand his company. I was astonished the Army had accepted him, but maybe he chose his words more carefully in other settings. I saw Matt frown though.

The more he spoke, the more he revealed his big ego and a generally revolting character. The moment I saw him I had known I would never fall in love with him because his looks did not appeal to me, but I had not expected to detest a friend of Matt's. Jackie looked as horrified as I felt and when he did not see, she shook her head apologetically to me. In addition to lazy and trigger happy, he seemed to think he was God's gift to women and when we sat next to each other in the small booth, I felt him press his leg to mine and as the evening went on and he had more to drink, his hand touched my thigh under the table every now and then, but I ignored him and just shook it off.

A bit later, Matt had pulled Jackie with him for game of dart and asked if we would come too, but Smurf said no thanks and that we liked to stay here before I had the chance to answer. Jackie threw me a concerned glance before they left the table, but I nodded to her that I could handle myself because even if I did not like his company I was quite sure I could. I took another gulp of my beer and looked around at the people in the pub instead of at him, slightly fearing he might try a snog now when we were alone. Instead I felt his arm worming its way around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

"Smurf, will you please let go of me" I told him with steady, icy voice.

"What, no fondling? Do you want to cut to the chase?" he hissed and winked at me. He had light blue eyes, almost the colour of clear water, with small pupils and they somehow seemed to stare intensively yet expressionless the whole time in an unsettling way.

"Let me make this very clear; _nothing _is going to happen between us tonight."

For the first time he looked a bit perplex.

"We're on a date, aren't we?"

"A _blind_ date. It doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. It might have, if we had hit it off, but…"

"Don't worry, I like you enough, so you can be sure to have a taste of the Little Smurf before the evening is over. I mean, there are prettier girls than you, but you'll do."

Christ, was he really calling it the Little Smurf? And he was completely delusional thinking I would be grateful for the offer even if he was insulting me. He probably did not even realise his comment was offensive. He just continued;

"Or, I should probably call it the _Big _Smurf, but then it might be a tad confusing for the ladies because _I_'m Big Smurf", he smirked self-satisfied and winked at me again and tried to return the arm around my waist.

I could not hold back a snort. He was a pretty short guy, even if he clearly tried to compensate his lack in height by building muscles and I felt certain that his dick would be in a size proportionate to his height. He had protruding ears and if someone had painted him blue he would actually had been very similar to a smurf except that they have kinder eyes. I moved away from his grip, as far away on the seat as I could come.

"I can assure you I'm not worried and I can promise I will absolutely not, in no fucking shape or form, have a taste of your Little Smurf or what you want to call it. Not tonight, not any night."

Now he looked seriously offended.

"What are you telling me?"

Obviously, I had to be even blunter to get through his disproportionate self-confidence.

"Smurf, I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth, not even if you got a personality _and _face transplant."

"Then, what the bloody hell are we doing here Molly? I thought Matt had set me up with a girl I could have some fun with."

"Matt is not my pimp and I think _he_ would be offended by you making such assumptions, as I would be if I actually cared a shit about you. I came because I thought we might have a nice evening among friends without anyone presuming it had to end up with a shag."

"Now I don't want to shag you anymore. Not even if you beg for it." Sulking like a kid he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, unbelievably seeming like he actually was waiting for me to beg him to change his mind.

"Good, because I won't beg for it. I'm leaving now."

I got to my feet and his glazed staring eyes looked even more surprised, the first actual emotion in them.

"And by the way; _Little_ _Smurf_?! Seriously? Although I'm quite sure it really is tiny and I'm not missing out on anything."

I headed over to Matt and Jackie to say goodbye.

"I'm leaving."

"You're not having a good time? I'm so sorry Molly!" Jackie said with frowned brow.

"Disaster, but it's not your fault. You couldn't know he would be a jackass, but you…" I drilled my eyes into Matt. "I can't believe you set me up with him! He actually seems to think you have promised him he would get to shag me!"

"Oh no, Molly, I would never… He's really far worse than I've ever seen him. I'm the one who is sorry." He looked well embarrassed.

"Apology accepted", I sighed. "But I'm leaving now anyway, talk to you tomorrow. It seems Smurf is already working on finding another bed to sleep in than mine."

They turned to see him in the bar, busy chatting up a bleak little girl who at least for now looked more impressed with him than I was.

"And Jackie… not another word about blind dates for the foreseeable future."


	19. Chapter 19: Flight mode

**Chapter 19: Flight mode**

* * *

Of the new friends I made during Phase 2, one became closer than others and we hung out more and more as time went by, especially as Jackie often was away with Matt during the weekends. He was called Jason and was probably my first ever male true friend. I had had many boyfriends and known their friends of course. I had known my friends' boyfriends and had male class mates, but none had been a true friend in his own capacity. Funnily, the closest I had gotten to it was Captain James in those few moments he had skipped the officer act and let his guard down, been Charles.

With Jason it was a whole different ball bag. He was different from most other male privates. Sensitive and quiet and avoiding profanities rather than an extrovert, foul-mouthed alpha-male. He was one of the most intelligent persons I had met and always took his time to reflect on things. He was lean almost on the thin side yet surprisingly strong during PT sessions. His face was beautiful with a complexion so baby-like that I sometimes wondered if he even needed to shave in the morning. Many of the other guys smirked at the first site of him, but in time came to appreciate him like I did. Once you knew him, you realised he was a keeper.

After a few months in Birmingham when Jason and I went out for a beer alone without any of our classmates for the first time, he suddenly blurted out;

"You know this isn't a date right?"

"Errrrrm, yes?"

To be honest, the thought had not even occurred to me. Jason felt so much like a friend that I had not paid attention to that I was having a drink alone with a guy. Now I hoped to god that _he_ had not thought it was a date either, because then it would be well awkward. He hesitated, fidgeting with a coaster.

"Because I don't really do dates. With girls." His cheeks turned into a tinge of red, something which happened quite often and had rendered him the nickname Ruby, but I preferred to call him Jason. Now the coin dropped for me.

"What with boys? Do you date boys?" I asked softly.

A smile played over his lips and he met my gaze.

"Yeah, it happens."

"So, you're gay?"

"Yup."

"Openly? I mean are you out of the closet so to say?"

"I'm not flaunting it but it's not a secret either. Not anymore."

"Tell me."

He told me how he always had known he fancied the same sex instead of the opposite but been terrified to tell anyone. He had been going out with the same girl for ages and she was his best friend, so he was scared of hurting her as well as afraid of what his parents' reaction would be. In the end the girlfriend was the first one he had told. She had been surprisingly unsurprised and accepting and had been the one supporting him in telling others. They remained friends and she was now happily engaged to another. His father had been the one who found it hardest to take and he still preferred not to talk so much about it, but in the end he had made it clear that he loved his son no matter what.

"It was such a relief when everyone knew, when I didn't have to hide part of myself and lie anymore."

"And then you chose the Army? It can't always be easy. Even if there's the diversity police and gays are welcomed, it must be difficult with some of the other male recruits sometimes?"

"Yeah. Luckily, lots of the guys are great about it but there's always the odd one who is homophobic and that's one of the reasons I keep a low profile because I don't have the need to be gay 'in their face' anyway."

"You shouldn't have to think about that."

"I know, but it's just easier for everyone if I do. Anyway, I wanted you to know since I really like you as a friend and I didn't want any misunderstandings between us."

"So, you thought I fancied you? I'm sorry to disappoint you mate, but you're just that to me, a great mate." I bumped my shoulder into his.

"Now that's a relief even if it bruises my ego", he grinned. "Jokes aside, no I didn't think so really, but I wanted to be on the safe side as we're getting along so well. Didn't want to start this friendship on the wrong foot." Suddenly he looked mischievous. "Who _do_ you fancy then, Molly Dawes? I've never seen you with a guy or talk about anyone either."

"Oi! I _did_ go on that disastrous blind date."

"It doesn't really count. Anyone you like?"

"No one. I'm really not into anyone."

He looked at me intently and I felt a heat wave start at my neck and travel upward, surely leaving my face in a more pinkish shade than a few seconds ago.

"Oh, but she blushes! You're so busted Molly. There is _someone_ and you need to tell me who."

"There really isn't…"

"You're the worst liar ever, or I'm just very good at reading you. Even while you're denying it, those green eyes of yours are twinkling as you think of him. Come on, you can tell me. Trust me, I won't tell anyone, least of all him whoever he is."

The thing was, I actually trusted Jason. I did already before and even more so now when I knew that he was a person who had had kept a secret of his own for a long time and knew of the importance of telling people in in your own time. I knew it would feel good to finally have someone to share this with.

"Okay."

"Okay, meaning?"

"I'll tell you, if you promise not to tell anyone, not even Jackie, and never make jokes or hints that you know of it and if we ever come across him you can't make funny faces at me and embarrass me or out me."

"Jeez, that's a whole lot of restrictions but I promise. Pinkie promise." He held out a finger.

"This is embarrassing."

"You haven't actually told me anything yet."

"No but what I will tell you is embarrassing, what I _feel_ is."

"It can't be that bad?"

"I'm in love with my CO."

"What? Sergeant Smith?!"

I snorted so beer sprayed on the counter. If that had been the case I would understand if he had been shocked because Sergeant Smith was a sturdy middle-aged woman in bad need of an upper lip shave.

"No, not our current CO you numpty! The one from basic training."

"I thought that was Corporal Geddings." His eyes widened. "Shit a brick! Is that it? Do you have a crush on your best mates boyfriend?"

"No! No, no, no, not in a million years. Matt is a top bloke but he's not for me. We had two main trainers, besides Matt there was a Captain. A really stern and shouty and annoying pain in the arse, who at times could be supportive and funny and absolutely wonderful. Plus, he was shitting hot."

There, it was not so difficult to admit after all, at least not to Jason.

"And you absolutely adore him?"

"Pretty much."

"But he's not your commanding officer now. What's stopping you?"

"Besides he's bloody intimidating and way out of my league? Well, he has a girlfriend already and right now he's deployed to god knows where and I will probably never see him again."

"Has anything happened between you?"

I hesitated, and he noticed.

"In for a penny, in for a pound…"

"He kissed me."

"He _kissed_ you?_ He_ kissed you?"

"Yes, but it doesn't really count because we were under a mistletoe and he said he was being deployed next day and just wanted to kiss a lovely girl. I haven't seen him or heard from him since. I have no idea where he is."

"I want more details, how did you end up under a mistletoe?"

I told him the story how I had ended up at the James family's Boxing Day party in Bath.

"Was it just a brief, chaste kiss with closed lips?"

"No, full snog, a long one, the kind that makes your stomach twist. The best kiss I ever had."

Still after several months, I just had to think of it to get goosebumps.

"Okay, let me make this clear to you. No man, I can say this as I am a man even if I happen to be a gay one, would kiss you like that just because he found himself under a mistletoe - _if he didn't want it_. He may not even know it, but he _wants _it. And the thing about being deployed sounds like something he made up to excuse himself, either because he remembered his girlfriend or because he didn't think you wanted it."

"Oh, I wanted it."

"But does _he_ know?"

Considering how hard I had fought to hide my feelings and that he maybe had misunderstood that I was the one going out with Matt, it was possible he did not know.

"Maybe not. I don't know, I mean I've done my best to hide it. But it's just impossible that he has feelings for me, he would never look at someone like me."

"Someone like you? And what exactly is that?"

"A cockney girl private, coming from a council estate in Newham, with no GSCEs and who spent four years in hospital because her criminal ex beat her up and she went nuts?"

"You're far too hard on yourself Molly. Why wouldn't he look at a kind, loyal, beautiful, funny, smart-mouthed, so-much-brighter-than-you-think-yourself-to-be girl, who has fought her way from nothing into being a soldier?"

"Well, if you put it like that", I muttered embarrassed over his praise, unable to really believe he thought all those nice things of me."

"But I must say, you have really shocked me Molly Dawes. Yearning for forbidden fruit, I never thought that of you." He looked very pleased, rather than reproachful.

"Stop it, you promised you wouldn't tease if I told. I didn't plan to fall in love with him, it just happened and for the record his girlfriend seems horrible."

"I don't care if she's lovely, I would be on team Molly anyway."

"Aaaaaw, that's so sweet of you."

"Another beer?"

"Definitely, need that after all this confessing stuff."

"You know, now you're like one of them heroines in a chick lit", he grinned.

"How do you mean?"

"A girl with an interesting past who has fought her way out of misery, with a secret crush on someone she shouldn't and gay friend to confide in."

We burst into fits of laughter, ordered more beers and burgers and continued the great evening. We moved on to other topics, like where we hoped to be posted for our apprenticeship period. Unlike Jackie who wanted to stay in UK if she could, to be close to Matt, we both wished to go abroad as our first option but did not know if we would be so lucky. At the back of my head, I kept thinking of what Jason had said though. That no man would kiss like that if he did not want to and that the getting deployed excuse was a load of bollocks. The tiny grain of hope inside me grew a little, but the obstacles that he had a girlfriend and that I had no idea where he was remained.

* * *

"Private Dawes, private Curry, a word in my office. Now." Sergeant Smith jerked her head towards the exit of the mess to make us join her. Jason and I looked at each other, wondering in what way we had managed to piss the unpredictable and cranky Smith off this time.

It was the very last week of Phase 2 training before passing out, final exercise was over, and our team had managed with flying colours and we were in no doubt that we would become the CMTs we had dreamt to be. We could only hope we had not done something we did not know of, that Sergeant Smith would consider an impediment to that.

"Stand easy."

She sat down behind her desk and left us standing in front of her but at least allowed to relax, so it could not be too bad. She looked down on some papers in front of her, like she would not know what to say otherwise, then looked up again and drilled her eyes into us.

"Dawes and Curry, you have both excelled during training and I'm sure you will be excellent CMTs."

I had not seen that praise coming, very unexpected from the harsh Sergeant.

"Thank you, ma'am."

"How do you cope with high altitudes?"

I thought of my fear of heights with a shudder, but high altitudes could mean something different.

"Ma'am?"

"I'm sure you have heard the news of the latest earthquake in Nepal?"

We both nodded.

"I don't know if you're aware, but after the previous big earthquakes, the British Army has contributed with disaster relief and we do this time too. Several sections were deployed already last week and have reached their destinations. However, they have flagged the need for more medics due to the many dead and injured, including many orphaned children. "

We nodded, and I felt excitement well up inside me, hoping she considered sending us.

"I know the two of you have asked to do your apprenticeship abroad. In Nepal you would have the opportunity to make a real difference in a non-war zone, under the supervision of the experienced medic who is already part of the section. How does that sound to you?"

"Good, ma'am."

She nodded, and I knew it had been a rhetorical question, she expected no other answer than that, but it was the truth; I was absolutely thrilled. Disaster relief in Nepal and in the company of Jason, it could not get any better.

"You will leave from Brize in three days, the day after passing out. You will join 2 section, under a Corporal Kinders. I'm sure you will make me proud, I expect nothing less of CMTs who have been trained by me."

With that she dismissed us and half-shocked and giddy with happiness, we went to prepare ourselves for a trip to Nepal. I who never had been outside England's' borders would travel 4605,31 miles, at least that was what my googling later that afternoon told me. I was happy as a lark but at the same time nearly shitting my pants. If any moutain climbing would be required as part of the package, I hoped I would have a sherpa to cling on to.

* * *

Ruby and I were not alone in the huge Hercules plane which looked nothing on the inside like planes use to when people fly in movies. No air hostesses, no drink trolley, just uncomfortable hard seats along the cabin walls so the passengers were facing each other rather than looking in the direction we were flying. Of course, none of the passengers were dressed as if going on vacation or a business trip either, all looking grim clad in the camo colours of the Army. There were several who were destined for disaster relief in Nepal like us, but also others who would continue to other destinations after we had landed in Kathmandu, including a unit of four men who seemed to be special forces. I was a bit curious and tried to eaves drop but they stayed silent much of the time and if they talked, they chatted about other things than the mission ahead of them. One of them sat opposite to me and the more I looked at him, the more familiar he seemed and finally I remembered and smiled spontaneously.

"Like what you see?" he grinned cheekily when he caught me staring, obviously thinking I was keen on him rather than objectively observing and I could see that he was the cocky type who was used to that kind of female attention wherever he went.

"I don't know about that, but I recognise you."

"Have we slept with each other?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Christ, no!"

"There are worse fates than sleeping with me you know."

"I suppose, but it would be awkward being on a plane with you for 14 hours if you didn't even remember we had shagged. No, we have never met, but I have seen photos of you, in your family's restaurant."

It had taken me a while to place him, but this was definitely Elvis.

"You've been to Southend?"

His smiled changed from challenging and flirty to a more genuine one as he was reminded of his home.

"Yeah. Your mum is a mean cook, might still be the best meal I've had."

"Can only agree with you on that."

"Anyway, I saw the photo wall in the restaurant and I recognise you." I paused, hesitating. "It seems you are friends with the Captain who was my trainer during basic training because there were pictures of you together. Captain James?"

"Charlie? _He_ was your trainer? Didn't know he trained fresh recruits these days! Thought he was far too experienced for that and destined for promotion to Major."

I briefly felt thankful he was not a Major because then I would never had met him and the gap in rank between us would be even wider, which would make the dream of us together seem even more ridiculous. As if it was not ridiculous enough. It seemed like Elvis was not up to date on his friend's life, so I explained about the injury and rehab and Captain James ending up in Pirbright for a while.

"I see." He stayed quiet for a while and seemed to contemplate the information, then much to my surprise started confiding in me. No one around us was paying attention, busy listening to music or watching movies on their phones or iPads with headphones on to block out the constant humming of the aircraft. "We used to be best friends but we're not that close anymore."

An opening too interesting not to follow up.

"What happened?"

"A car-crash." He laughed when he saw my worried expression and I had to admit he looked very charming when he skipped the slightly sleezy act. "No, not a real car-crash. A car-crash of a girl came between us."

Was it Georgie Lane he was talking about? I did not dare to ask but maybe the boredom of the long flight made him prone to spill his guts anyway.

"A couple of years back, Charlie's (that's Captain James) parents had a garden party and he introduced me to a girl he had known forever because her parents were friends with his. She was this amazing beauty and I knew I just had to have her…"

He seemed to lose himself in the memory for a moment.

"I did my best to charm her, but it took a bit more than I'm used to, to make her fall for me. She was high-maintenance girl you can say but at first it seemed she was really worth the effort, so the relationship turned into something more serious than I had intended. She was very determined about how she wanted things and good at manipulating them her way."

He shook his head in response to my raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I say manipulating because as time went by, I realised she was not as sweet as I first had thought. Quite the bitch actually, but by the time that dawned on me we were engaged and planning for the wedding. Charlie was happy when we first got together but gave me a word of warning to treat her well as she wasn't just any girl but a friend of his and his family. He knew my history and let's just say I wasn't known for serious relationships. _They_ didn't have any romantic history or so, he wasn't jealous. Ever the gentleman he just wanted to look out for her. When I figured out she might not be the girl of my dreams after all, Charlie was away in Afghan on a six-months tour and I had no chance to really talk to him and ask his advice how to handle it. He was only going to get a shorter permission to come home and attend the wedding as my best man. I felt trapped. I was doubting more and more if I should and could go through with the wedding, but I didn't want to disappoint anyone, not my best friend or his parents. Georgie, well, I didn't care so much about her anymore now that I knew her true colours."

Shit, it was really her. His story had me spell-bound and I just nodded and hummed in affirmation, so he would continue without suddenly realising he probably should not be telling _me _all this.

"In pure desperation I ended it in the worst way. Texted Charlie on the wedding day when he probably stood prepared in his no. 1 dress uniform ready to be best man and Georgie already was dolled up as the perfect bride. Told him I couldn't go through with it and that he had to break it to her, then I got on the first plane leaving Brize and stayed away for six months. Coward, I know… and if I had known what would happen when I was away I never would have done that."

"What then?"

He snorted and looked a bit sad.

"Well, Charlie was there and comforted Georgie of course. I'm sure only with brotherly intentions but then she probably batted her eyelashes like she always does to get her way and cried a few tears and in some misguided attempt of being a gentleman and taking care of her in my place _he_ got together with her. If I didn't like him so much I would think it funny, but the thing is that _he_ is a great guy who deserves so much better than her. I just never took the opportunity while I could, to tell him I had realised she was a bitch and that was why I fled, so he was bloody disappointed in me. When I returned from tour six months later, they were a couple and out of loyalty to her he did not want to hear a word from me about it, didn't even want to see me. He answered my texts and said maybe in time we could meet, but not when it was still an open wound for her and he was not sure how he either could forgive me for jilting her at the altar and letting him be the messenger. I guess she chose to fuck the messenger instead of killing him." He gave up a bitter little laugh and I squirmed at the thought of them in bed. "So, he still doesn't know why I left like I did and now he's stuck in her claws. I'm just hoping he'll realise what she's really like before they get the idea to marry or have kids."

"Shit, what a story!"

"Yeah, you can say that, and I have no fucking idea why I'm telling _you_. I don't even know your name." He looked a bit bewildered and I resisted telling him that I seemed to have that effect on Charles too, telling me more than he had intended to.

"I'm private Dawes, Molly. CMT."

"Nice to meet you Molly. Well, if you come across my mate Charlie again, maybe you can put in a good word for me."

"I'm not sure he would listen to me like that, what with him being my superior."

"He just might. He has always been a good listener and he cares surprisingly little about ranks even if he is bloody obstinate when it comes to following Army regulations to the point." Now he grinned cheekily, shifting mood again and for the rest of the flight he pretty much ignored me, which did not bother me as he had given me enough to think of to last me the entire tour.

This explained so much. If Charles felt he had to make it up to Georgie for his best friend dumping her in such a shameful and public way, he would probably go to lengths to treat her honourably. He would not want to walk out on her and let her down too. The question was how much he was willing to put up with, would he be faithful to her at any cost? Except for a minor mistletoe slip that is. The little I had seen of her, she did not do a very good job hiding her negative sides, not to him, not to others, like me. I wondered if there still was a part of Charles who loved her, or was lack of love in a relationship he stayed in out of duty the reason he had felt the urge to kiss another girl he thought was lovely before going on tour? I glanced at Elvis, thankful for the clues he had given me to better understand this complex relationship.

Last summer, at the end of the road trip, I had thought that it seemed like all roads led me to the Army. I was beginning to wonder if it instead was so, that all roads were leading me to Charles.

* * *

**_A/N: Sorry to everyone who is eagerly waiting for CJ to reappear but all in due time, everything needs to weave together. At least now we now why. As you notice, I will mix characters into the plot without regard to what season of the series they actually were in. I know Kinders were never in Nepal, but neither were Molly or Ruby but this story has always been A/U even if it is the same Molly, as everything was reset in the beginning. As always, hope you enjoy._**


	20. Chapter 20: On a mountain side

**Chapter 20: On a mountain side**

* * *

From the airport in Kathmandu, Jason and I were transported by helicopter some 100 kilometres north into the mountain areas which had been hit hardest by the earthquake, this time just like during the previous earthquakes. Here, people had built their homes on terrace-like mountain sides and when the earthquake hit, entire villages were destroyed. In some cases, the houses had started sliding along the steep hills. From the helicopter we could see the total destruction in the midst of the immense beauty of the green and rocky landscape. From a distance it looked like little ant houses some giant had stepped on, but when the helicopter flew closer we could see it was indeed manmade houses and the unlucky ones living there were Nepalese families. It broke my heart. They were so poor, living under such difficult conditions in this wild landscape and had fought to tame nature to find something to live by. In return the capricious Mother Nature let them endure earthquakes not once but repeatedly, every time ruining what they had built up. My life growing up in Newham had not been easy, but this was tough on a completely different scale. The need for help seemed immense and Jason and I just stared through the helicopter windows, appalled trying to take it all in in. We could definitely provide help here, but likely only a fragment of what was needed. Something must be better than nothing though.

When we landed we were to meet up a local guide and a fellow soldier and transport ourselves the last distance by foot, as the roads were still blocked after the earthquake. The section we would join, 2 section, had reached the intended destination almost two weeks ago, set up a camp and a med centre together with the Nepalese Army and local NGOs and initiated our efforts to help the locals. We knew our extra pair of hands and medics skills would be a very welcome addition and I was eager to get going and get there. That was until I heard a familiar, sly voice.

"Molly Dawes, what the fuck are you doing on a mountain top in Nepal? I thought a posting to the other side of the world would ensure I never had to see you again."

I turned and met his eyes, staring blank, with spookily small pupils and the colour like clear water – just like I remembered the eyes of Smurf.

"That's Private Dawes to you and I could say the same, Private Smith."

"You're welcome to call me Smurf even if I don't like you", he smirked coldly. "Anyway, what are you doing here Dawes?"

I shuddered, reminded of the repellent offer to taste Little Smurf.

"I think that's pretty obvious. Me and Private Curry here are medics joining 2 section for the disaster relief operation."

"As I feared then", he grimaced. "It's you I'm picking up and you're joining my section."

"_Your_ section or _the same_ section as you?" Jason asked challenging with a raised eyebrow which was rewarded by an annoyed look from Smurf.

"That's the same, isn't it? Come on, grab your bergens, we have long walk ahead of us and the landscape isn't exactly flat so you're in for a treat. We want to reach the camp before it gets dark."

I had thought this tour seemed too good to be true and now it turned out it was; the catch was having to put up with Dylan Smith over the months we would be here. Already during the march towards the camp, I was painfully reminded how annoying his presence was. Beside that he insulted me as often as he could fit into the conversation, he commented on Jason's weaker looking physique and pretty face and complained about the mission here in Nepal, a constant whining.

"Here we have been waiting to be deployed, much longer than I think was fair and justified when we're such an excellent section and when we finally get the orders to go, it's for bloody disaster relief! Helping poor sods to build up houses which will anyway fall apart in the next earthquake. I don't see the point of helping these people, bloody Sherpas and monks and farmers. What good do they do in this world anyway? I few less and nobody will miss them. Why couldn't they send us on a proper mission, taking out some terrorists, fighting a real battle, not trying to patch up a fucking natural disaster? I think I might have to join the SF instead, so I get some tasks worthy a soldier."

Jason and I glanced at each other in dismay. Smurf really was a loathsome human being.

"Is it a good section?" I was hoping to interrupt his ranting by turning the conversation to something he might have a more positive attitude towards..

"Yeah, great lads. None of them as brilliant as me of course, the CO once told me I was the best recruit in Catterick."

That had obviously stuck with him and I bet said CO by now regretted he ever had uttered those words.

"It's unfair because as good as I am, I should have a more leading position, but our Corporal is all about everything being equal, so he never singles me out though he should as I'm so much more qualified. I mean Mansfield Mike isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, Brains (that's the medic who will mentor you) obviously hasn't got the same supreme physique as me even if he thinks he's such a smart-arse. Fingers is always taking the piss and thinks he's so funny, but his jokes are never as funny as mine. Rab's only attribute is that he has a big schnauz and Maisie, she's a mean driver but I mean, she's a Doris, obviously weaker than me. And then we have…"

He continued to diss his fellow squaddies and boasting about his own good traits and I tried to zoon out, promised myself to try to avoid him as much as I could.

* * *

After a march that probably felt longer than it really was only because we had to listen to Smurf, we finally reached the camp that had been set up next to a cluster of mountain villages which all had been seriously impacted by the earthquake.

"Here we are, our lousy little camp. I'll drop you off with Corporal Kinders and he will give you further instructions."

Smurf led us to one of the British Army tents and asked for permission to enter, which we were granted immediately.

Corporal Kinders was a strikingly handsome man with his dark smooth skin, brown eyes and tall statue, but most of all he looked kind and welcomed us with a warm smile.

"Private Dawes, Private Curry. Welcome to Nepal and 2 section. Was the journey all right?"

We said it had been and did not mention that the few hours in Smurf's company had felt as long as the flight from England.

"Come, let me show you around in the camp."

He indicated for us to go outside and we took a walk around the primitive camp.

"We are two sections posted here and as you know you will belong to 2 section. Both sections are serving under one and the same captain and we are fortunate to have a very experienced one, who took part in the disaster relief operations after the previous earth quake and knows the drill. That allowed us to be much more efficient in the start-up of the aid activities than we would have been otherwise. The lads are away working now, so I suggest you just settle in and then join and meet them when it's time for evening scoff. It's great to have you here, our medic, private Wiggerty for sure needs assistance. Medical staff is very limited among the NGOs and he has been working around the clock taking care of injured, doing medical examinations and giving inoculations. Even if the others try to support him they don't have the proper training for it and they are also needed for other tasks. I think you will also find Brains a great mentor, so you have an excellent opportunity to learn from him."

He stopped outside another tent.

"This is where you will be having your quarters, Dawes, together with our other female private, Richards. Curry, you come with me and I will show you the stags' quarters. Have some rest now and scoff is in one hour."

I pushed aside the canvas flap and went inside the empty tent, looked around at what would be my home for the next few months, apparently to be shared with Private Richards. It was sparse and primitive, but I had expected nothing else and I felt extremely happy about being here, despite Smurf. This was what I had wanted, to be somewhere where I could make a difference. I unloaded my bergen and sat down. I would have loved to freshen up after the long journey but if there were any showers I did not know where they were, and I also knew I had to count on water supplies to be scarce. I wanted to make a good impression on my new fellow squaddies though and checked in a small mirror that my face was clean, let out my hair, combed it and remade the French braid which had become my favourite regulation approved hairdo. Then I rolled out my sleeping mat and lay down to rest for a while.

I was not able to relax though. I felt too much expectation and there were so many new impressions. Not only what I saw, the sounds and smells were different too. Even the feel of the air was different, maybe because there was less oxygen at these altitudes. I let my mind drift. This was my very first tour. I wondered if Charles still was away on his umpteenth, the one he had said he was leaving for the day after our kiss. More than six months had passed so he could be home again or away on another tour. I wished I knew where he was and if he was safe. As long as I knew he was safe and sound I was fine with him not being mine, even if I would much prefer if he was. Stupid thoughts, as if he would care if I worried about him or not.

* * *

In the end I must have dozed off because I woke up when Kinders called on me.

"Private Dawes, time for scoff."

I hastily got to my feet, which caused a blood pressure drop and I felt slightly dizzy for a moment but managed to get out. I was met by the friendly smiles of Kinders and Jason.

"Come, I will introduce you to our captain and then you can join the others in time for rations."

Kinders brought us to the tent which apparently belonged to the Captain and entered with us in tow.

"Sir, the new medics have arrived." He informed the man who was standing with his back towards us studying a map.

"I just wish they would have sent us some more experienced people instead of two completely green out of training", he muttered.

"Excuse me, Sir. They are here with me." Kinders cleared his throat and seemed uncomfortable.

Of course, I knew who he was already before he turned. Never would I mistake that neck for someone else again. The dark soft curls at the nape of the neck, the broad shoulders, it could only be the man I only half an hour ago had wondered about. Apparently he was on tour _and_ safe and sound.

The only sign that he recognised me was a slight widening of eyes, then nothing. Kinders, who did not even know me had presented me with a far more welcoming expression than Captain James greeted me with. He did not look the least embarrassed that he had expressed in front of us that someone more experienced had been on his wish list. I hoped I managed to maintain a similar mask of disinterest. Of course, for him it was likely a genuine disinterest, but I had to hide how one hundred butterflies had taken off simultaneously in my belly and the dizziness from before returned.

"Captain James, this is Private Dawes and Private Curry."

He nodded and scrutinised me with those intensive brown eyes, making me feel very small.

"I know Dawes, I was her CO during basic training. Curry, good to meet you."

I heard Jason take a deep breath beside me, like he was gasping for air. Fuck fuckety fuck. Jason was smart and adding two and two together is not that complicated, of course he would realise that it was my officer crush standing before us. Not only would I have to keep my own feelings hidden, I had to trust that he would not happen to reveal what he knew of that either. I had wanted to meet Charles again so badly, but I had not imagined this.

"You have completed Phase 2 then, I presume?" he asked me.

"We passed out the day before we left for Nepal, Sir."

He exchanged a glance with Kinders which seemed to express just how disappointed he was that we were so inexperienced.

"You're lucky then to have a great mentor in Lance Corporal Wiggerty who is a level 3 CMT. I hope he will get you up to speed quickly so you can be of some use. There's a lot to be done here, especially for our medics which is why we requested reinforcement."

While he talked a hard knot in my stomach started to expand, crushing the butterflies like a wrecking-ball. There was _nothing_ there in the depth of his eyes, not a flicker of emotion besides the disappointment in our lack of experience. The realisation I was nothing to him but another private hit me hard even if it should not have come as a surprise. In the months since I had met him, I had nurtured this small hope and with Jason's support, telling me it was not impossible at all that a captain would fall for me, it had grown. Now I knew that was nothing but a fantasy. Whatever his reason had been for kissing me, it was not that I was special to him. Then he would at least had smiled at me like a normal polite person.

"I expect you will join him to the med centre already tomorrow, helping the injured that keep coming in and giving inoculations. Now double away and get something to eat before the lads eat your rations as well."

He jerked his head in direction of the tent opening, clearly dismissing us and that was it. I had imagined our re-union many times but none of them like this. So empty and emotionless.

As we followed Kinders to the others, Jason was oozing curiosity beside me and I knew he ached to ask if this was indeed _The_ Captain.

"Not now, Jason", I whispered and shook my head.

Next we were faced with the noisy happy bunch that was 2 section; nine young men and one woman, including a medic. All had nick-names in the usual inventive Army way; Smurf, Mansfield Mike, Fingers, Rab, Nude-Nut, Dangleberries, Monk, Baz Vegas, Brains (that was what Wiggerty was called) and Maisie Richards. Their reactions towards us was a mixture of welcoming and cautious, evaluating what kind of addition we would be to their already tight team. To my relief, Brains seemed genuinely pleased to have us there and he was the one who would matter most as he would be our mentor, but I hoped the others would accept us too. Except Smurf because I already knew that was impossible.

Introductions over and done with, we were served our rations and immediately pulled into the banter among them and had many laughs already this first evening. My first impression was positive, and I hoped it would stay that way. In the middle of it all, I felt as if someone was watching me and turned to meet Captain James' dark eyes where he was standing at some distance, arms crossed, and hands tucked into his armpits in the familiar defensive way. I felt my breath hitch and my smile fade away. He remained serious with furrowed brow like he was disapproving of something, probably me being here, gave me curt nod and then strode away. I swallowed to try to get rid of the lump in my throat. Even if I may be accepted by 2 section and Kinders, I knew this tour would have a bitter taste if I was not accepted by the Captain.

* * *

"It's _him_, isn't it?" Jason hissed when we finally walked away from the others to head for our quarters for the evening.

"Who?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know, Molls. You said he was your other CO during basic and apparently Captain James was, so that means…"

"Shut up, Jason", I snapped, harsher than I had intended. "You saw. There is nothing there from his side, nothing between us. He wasn't the least pleased to see me here."

"Or he just has a good poker face. I think…"

"There's no point", I interrupted him. "Nothing is ever going to happen between us. The only thing I can do to make this a good tour is forget the whole thing, like he apparently has. Let's not talk about him ever again."

"As you wish", he promised reluctantly.

Even if I managed to sound convincing, I knew forgetting about him when I would see him every day would be the hardest part about this tour. Especially as I could not protect myself during my sleep and then he came to me in my dreams and made me wake up aroused and with my skin covered in a thin film of perspiration despite the nightly chill. I sat up so abruptly that I woke Maisie up.

"Are you okay?"

"Just a bad dream."

Just the best dream ever. It was waking up from it that was hard.

* * *

Next morning, we accompanied Brains to the makeshift med centre that had been built up. It was a larger tent with limited medical equipment and supplies, supported by one doctor, local NGOs, Brains and now us. Brains told me how he during the first days here had had to spend much time checking bodies, verifying that corpses really were dead. There had been rows of bodies in white body bags lined up and the first thing that had stricken them when they arrived at the village was the nasty smell from the dead who had begun to decompose. Now they were all buried, or rather set on fire and pushed out into the river as was the local custom and the air was fresh again.

"It was really hard. I have seen dead people before, up close and injured far worse by IEDs and gun shots, but I have never seen this many. You know, they were just lying there lined up, waiting for me and they kept bringing more as they found them, buried under buildings and rocks that had fallen from the mountain side – and it wasn't soldiers. It was common people; mums, dads, grandparents and worst of all; children."

I put my hand on his arm.

"I wish we had been here." He looked surprised. "I mean, to help you so you didn't have to do it on your own."

"Thanks Dawes", he smiled appreciatively. "I'm glad you're here now, to help me with the living."

I really liked Brains. In some ways he reminded me of Jason, lacking the need to assert himself the whole time as otherwise was so typical among the squaddies, and clearly intelligent and competent. I instinctively knew that those who had said he would be a great mentor were right. I came to like him even more after the conversation we had during our short lunch break.

"What's the deal with you and Smurf?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"After scoff last night, when you had gone to the female quarters and Curry was off to the showers, he slagged you off. Said you had history and well, the things he said weren't very nice."

"And you all believed him?" I said, and my heart sank in my chest. I did not want the section to have a bad impression of me.

"Nah, we know the Smurfoid and that one should take his stories with a pinch of salt, especially the ones involving girls. Plus, I prefer to make my own impressions of people and you seem nice enough."

"Thanks. Smurf and I went on a blind date once. Let's just say I wasn't as impressed with him as he had expected, and I ended the evening early. I think that's a thorn in his side. On the other hand, he doesn't really seem to like anyone but himself, does he?"

"No, you're probably right about that. For Smurf, Smurf always comes first."

"And he doesn't seem very pleased with the task at hand here either. He told us on the way here how useless he thought this disaster relief is and that he wants to be on a proper soldier mission instead, killing people."

Brains sighed.

"I'm sorry to say I'm not surprised. I have told Kinders a few times that I have concerns he might not be in the right frame of mind for being a soldier, but he just brushes it off saying he's a good lad. I think Captain James would listen, but I don't want to go past the NCO, he may be offended when he has already told me he will not act on it. Don't get me wrong, Kinders is great but he doesn't have the experience or knowledge of characters that Captain James does. I think Kinders fears he would do something which would ruin Smurfs Army career without being warranted and he's not confident enough to make such a decision. Anyway, if I hear Smurf talking bollocks about you behind your back I'll shut him up and let the others know the truth. Okay?"

"And you already know where you have me", Jason added.

"Two knights in shining armour. You don't think I can manage on my own?", I grinned but actually felt grateful.

"I know you can, we're just telling you that you don't have to."

Brains nodded, confirming Jason's words.

The first day went by quickly. Brains instructed us calmly what to do and by the end of the day we felt we had achieved a lot, even if it only covered a tiny part of the huge need. During the next weeks we continued to work alongside Brains, whilst the rest of the section helped clearing away debris, securing the area and securing passage on the roads leading to the village. Makeshift homes were built for the locals and the power restored by bringing a new generator into the village. We were all also helping out at the orphanage where children who had lost parents in this or the previous earthquake stayed. This was interspersed with PT sessions led mostly by Kinders, sometimes Captain James, to ensure we did not slack. All physical activities were more strenuous than usual due to the lower oxygen levels in the air up here in the mountains, so we were always exhausted by the end of it and our commanders had no mercy as usual.

Captain James spent most of his time with the rest of 2 section or with 1 section, even if he passed through the med centre every now and then. I almost got the feeling he tried to avoid me, and I was deeply disappointed he did not even acknowledge the friendship that had developed between us towards the end of training and had led us to having such a great evening in Bath before we kissed. He was not back to the shouty officer he had been first, but he was cold, distant and indifferent towards me. He was happy to participate in the banter with the rest of the section every now and then, showing that his sense of humour was intact, and his wonderful smile was still there, but never interacted directly with me one on one like with the others. I missed him, missed Charles, but there was nothing I could do about it when he actively chose to keep his distance. I tried to take comfort in the newfound friends I had among the other squaddies and the job that I came to love, but inside I ached and thought I would have done so much better without his presence when he anyway was not there for me at all.

* * *

A month in on the tour, Rab approached me one morning during breakfast.

"Molly, I was on the rota to go to the orphanage this morning, but I think I might have sprained my ankle and don't think I can make the walk up the mountain path. Would you take my place?"

We were taking turns among us, to two and two bring daily meals to the children in the orphanage and stay a few hours and help out.

"Of course, I will, but has anyone had a look at that ankle?"

"Yeah, Brains did, ordered me a day of rest. Thanks for going. By the way, it's the Boss you're going with."

I froze inside. I had the feeling _he _would not want to go with me and had designed the rota so he never would have to, but I had no valid reason to take back what I just had promised and just nodded.

Half an hour later Captain James stood waiting and raised a brow in surprise when he saw me coming instead of Rab.

"Rab has a sprained ankle and asked me to fill in for him, Boss."

I had adapted the name the rest of the section already called him. Now he shrugged his shoulders, like it did not matter that I would be the one joining him, and we went to pick up the meal we were to bring. The house where the orphanage was accommodated, was located a bit up along the mountain side and a winding path was leading there – the reason why Rab had not been able to go. We walked there in strained silence but once we arrived there I forgot about it, focused on handing out the food and helping with the daily tasks that needed to be done in the orphanage. We worked alongside, and I noticed how wonderful he was with the kids. All smiles and radiating safety in a way that made them want to be close to him. They gathered around him and pulled him into a ballgame which he to my surprise accepted to take part in. Laughing he playfully chased after the ball in a game that reminded of football, looking years younger, boyish and happy. Had he not been dressed in combats I would never had guessed he was a soldier, a commissioned officer. There was always a new side to him I had not known before and this one I really liked. He stood panting, hands on his hips when he caught me staring at him filled with the need that I tried so hard to hide and repress and it made my heart jolt. As I was caught unawares, I think he may have seen it because a look of bewilderment passed on his face before it went neutral again. I broke eye contact and returned inside, left him and the kids to their game but the familiar aching feeling of loss grew inside me.

After lunch, we started our walk back to the camp. I was headed for the med centre for the afternoon and I guess he was headed for his Captain task whatever they were for the day. Again, we had a very rare moment alone, as silent as the walk in the morning, but in the end I could not keep quiet any longer.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not."

"I just get the feeling… you never talk to me like you do with the others. I thought we were becoming friends sort of towards the end of basic training, and when we met in Bath and now it's like you avoid talking to me at all."

"You're imagining, Dawes. And to be clear we were never friends, I was and am your commanding officer. Nothing more, nothing less"

"Right." I felt tears pricking on the back of my eyelids. We kept walking and I almost had to run to keep up with his long purposeful strides. "I was just thinking…"

"Spit it out, Dawes."

"It feels like you regret kissing me and now you're punishing me for it."

He stopped in his tracks, paused and turned my direction. I could not believe the words had actually left my mouth. He stared down on me.

"I really don't want to have this conversation here."

"Here on this path?"

"Here in Nepal, when I'm your CO."

"But it's now that it matters because it ruins my tour", I insisted desperately. "It's not fair. _You_ kissed me and now you're angry with _me_. Like I did something wrong. How does that work out?" I had not been upset from the start, but I felt anger starting to build up inside me now. He was so annoyingly blank like he did not care fuck about Bath or what I thought of the situation here. I could not help but feel pleased to see the muscle at his jaw twitch, maybe I was touching something inside him.

"I refuse to have this conversation with you, Dawes." There was a definite warning in his voice.

"But we _are_ having the conversation. I want to know why you're sending me to Coventry for something I didn't do."

He pulled in air heavily through his nose and the only emotion he showed was annoyance, looming over me. Finally, he spoke.

"I shouldn't be your CO, Dawes. I had a brief lapse of judgement in Bath, blame it on alcohol and the fact that I was going away, and I do regret that every day I see you because it makes it harder for me to be your CO."

"So, you _are_ regretting it?"

"As I said, _every fucking day_. I never should have done it, but I did and the reason I stay distant is that I don't want you to get the idea I have any feelings for you. Because I don't. Just like I know you don't have any feelings for me."

He looked at me searchingly now, like he for the first time was interested in my reaction. My heart was out of my chest, his words really, really hurt. I would not let him know though.

"You're absolutely right. There is no way I ever would have feelings for a twat like you."

I knew I was not allowed to speak to my CO like that, but in this moment I could not care less. With that I picked up the walk, or rather started running away from him. He did not follow me, so he did not see the tears that were streaming down my cheeks as I put distance between us.


	21. Chapter 21: Cornered

**_A/N: My husband has been away on business trip this week and if you have followed my stories before you know that I usually take the opportunity to write as much as I can when he is away and I have the evenings to myself. He does not know I'm writing because I would feel silly letting him read it, so this stays between you and me :) Anyway, that is the reason why chapters keep pouring out this week. He returns this evening so then back to normal, but I hope you enjoy this one. I did!_**

**_As always thank you for your kind reviews!_**

**_X_**

* * *

**Chapter 21: Cornered**

* * *

Absent Without Official Leave. AWOL. The Army vocabulary for playing truant but of course repercussions were more severe than when skipping school, something I had been good at once upon a time.

That was what I was since a couple of hours back - AWOL. When I left Charles, I felt I could not return to camp and play the usual positive Molly, not yet anyway. I was too upset and sad for that. I knew that if I were any different I would have to stand Smurf's mockery that it was '_that_ time of the month', Jason's and Brains' concern and the others' jokes. I did not feel emotionally equipped to deal with any of it. So, instead of taking the path back to camp and then on to the med centre, I turned in on another path leading in the opposite direction. If going AWOL to have some alone-time resulted in another round of getting yelled at, I could not be bothered to care right now.

_The reason I stay distant is that I don't want you to get the idea I have any feelings for you. Because I don't._

He could not have stated it more clearly than he did, and those words really stung.

_Just like I know you don't have any feelings for me._

That was where he was seriously wrong. Even if he was a twat I was undeniably in love with him. I did not know if I was purely relieved or also slightly disappointed he felt so sure about that. Mostly relieved because that lessened the humiliation of my unrequited feelings, but I wondered if he was sure because I had hidden it well or because he found the thought of a private fancying him so ridiculous he could not even imagine it.

It felt so good to be alone. There was always someone around at the med centre and in the camp and this was the first time since I came here that I could enjoy just hearing the sounds of nature and my own footfalls and focus on my thoughts and feelings. Getting frequently exposed to wild nature over the months of training, I had stopped being freaked out by it and started appreciating it instead. Here its beauty was overwhelming. The grass and tree leaves seemed greener than at home and the mighty mountains, topped with snow looking like whipped cream, seemed to hold up the clear blue sky. The river water did not look much cleaner than the Thames though and I remembered with a shudder all the bodies that had been burned on it and ashes flushed away in the water.

I kept enjoying the stillness, realising that all my life I had been surrounded by sounds and people. It was never quiet in the Dawes house, the streets of Newham were always noisy, in the hospital there was a constant a background sound from the patients who were seriously nuts and since I had enlisted I was always surrounded by rowdy squaddies. I realised I had needed this, missed this, probably my whole life but only realised now when I experienced it. The silence interrupted only by birds chirping, water flowing and the sound of the leaves moving in the wind was soothing, and it made me think clearer.

I had two choices at this point; requesting to be sent home or stay and endure this tour the remaining two months. Captain James would likely be happy to approve a request for transfer, but people would wonder why, and it would not look good for my continued career in the Army if I interrupted a deployment without a valid cause. In addition, I really wanted this. I loved being here, this walk only strengthened that feeling. I loved Nepal, loved the kind and needing people, liked my section except Smurf and enjoyed the job I was bloody good at according to Brains encouraging comments. If I gave that up, my life would only feel shittier than it did now. Sure, it would feel good in the short run to get as far away from Captain James as I possibly could, but I sensed I would regret it as soon as I landed at Brize, if not already on the plane. That left me with one option; to stay and suck it up. Avoid Captain James as much as I could and bottle my feelings up, focus on work and my friends and forget my stupid crush and that the object for it was an insensitive idiot.

Somehow, my heart felt lighter once my decision was made and I knew it was time to make my way back to camp because I had been gone for a few hours and would be missed by now. My feet had taken me quite far away and I made a turn into another path leading away from the river bank in what I reckoned must be the direction back. After a while I recognised my surroundings as I reached an empty village. It was not the one nearest our camp, but one further away, deserted because it had been so damaged in one of the previous earthquakes that the effort to secure and rebuild it simply was greater than building up a new village. Now the houses were just empty shells. To think that families had lived here once, I wondered what they were doing now, if they were ali…

"When did Her Majesty die and make you the Queen?"

I bounced at the sound of the angry voice which seemed unnaturally loud after the hours of silence. He was suddenly standing before me on the road like a Jack in the box, feet grounded and shoulder-width apart, arms crossed, looking prepared for a fight.

"What?" I wished my voice had not trembled from the shock. What was he doing here?

"You don't get to wander off. You're endangering yourself."

He did not shout but the icy, calm voice was undoubtedly mad. Very mad. The peace of mind I had found rapidly vanished and I felt incredibly frustrated. Could he not just leave me be after what he had said earlier today?

"We're not in a war zone, this is a peaceful mission so it's not like the enemy is lurking around the corner." Anger fuelled my confidence.

"No, but other things are! There might be an after-shock or an unstable building may collapse. I don't want any of you to wander off without company or informing Kinders or me of your whereabouts. And I can't believe you're talking back to me", he spat.

"I really needed to be alone."

"You don't get to decide that Dawes. You're not in charge."

"You know what, after our little conversation earlier, I don't care. I needed to clear my mind."

He stared at me in furious disbelief.

"You don't care? YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE?!" he barked. "I'm your _commanding officer_, Dawes! Do you know what that means? _I_ give you orders, and you obey, that's not something we're fighting over. It's non-negotiable. Either you accept that, or you can't be in my chain of command. You probably shouldn't be, but you need to think over if you can handle it during this tour or if I need to send you home at once. Is that understood?"

"I understand. Sir."

"I can't be bickering with privates, male or female ones, that's why we all have to leave feelings aside, stay professional, focus on the mission."

"I understand, and I'll be as professional as you may wish for the remainder of the tour but for now you need to leave me alone."

I stared back at him but then felt tears pooling in my eyes, threatening to burst over the brim for the second time today, so I turned my back to him and walked away again.

"Dawes!"

We were near a house which like all the surrounding ones was empty and deserted. The door barely hung on its hinges and was open. Driven by impulse I ducked and went through the small entrance, hoping he would not follow me. The façade and roof of the house were intact, but the backside of it was half in ruins and daylight seeped in through a large hole and the gaping windows so it felt like I was half indoors half outdoors. Everything of value was gone, the house just an empty, dusty shell, almost ghost-like. The rays of sun looked almost tangible in the dusty air and it was strangely beautiful.

I was startled when he grabbed my arm so forcefully that I probably would get a bruise later. He had followed me, obviously refusing to take the hint that he should leave.

"Did you not hear what I just said? You should not be alone, you shouldn't go inside the unstable buildings. You can get hurt and if you do…"

"Then what? You shout at me again?" I snapped, desperately trying to blink away the tears so he would not see. I was sure crying would only leave him unimpressed.

"If you get hurt I wouldn't forgive myself."

We stared each other out, neither dropping the gaze. _He_ _would_ _not_ _forgive_ _himself_?

"You're in my charge", he added as an afterthought, but now his dark eyes could not hide from me there was more to it. His brow was furrowed, the jaw clenched, a vein throbbing on his forehead and he was breathing rapidly, still looking furious but also vulnerable in a strange way.

For a second, I thought his presence was doing something strange to my senses because my legs felt wobbly, or maybe it was like the ground was moving. Then I saw his expression change in distress and realised he felt it too and next the building started falling apart around us. This would have been the moment for him to say 'See, I told you so', but he did not. Instead he kept his hold of my arm and tried to pull me with him outside. It was too late though; the house came crumbling down. Beams and wall stones fell, blocking our way and stirring up dust. Then everything went black.

* * *

When I regained consciousness I was on the ground, feeling something wet on my face. I opened my eyelids and I realised he was washing away grime from my eyes with water from his water bottle.

"Dawes are you okay?" his voice was horse, I don't know if from the dust or concern.

"I don't know, I need to feel… It bloody hurts, my head and my body, but I don't think anything is broken."

I blinked to try to get rid of some dirt that remained after the wash and realised I probably looked like him, with my face and hair covered in a thin grey layer of dust. I had to hold back a reflex to reach out and wipe his cheek clean.

"You, Boss? Are you okay?"

Even if I was bruised and barely could see properly, I felt frustrated not to be able to assess him medically. After all, I was the medic not he. On a personal level I was also more than a tad worried about his well-being. Even if he was a twat, I wanted him to stay an intact twat.

"_Now_ I am. You had me fucking worried there, Dawes."

His eyes did not seem angry anymore. They had softened and almost seemed to be looking at me in a gooey way or maybe I just thought so because my vision was blurred. I remembered another time when he had said the same, after Jackie and I got lost in the woods, and that I had promised not to do it again. A promise I was pretty shitty at keeping.

"What the heck happened?"

"After-shock. You got hit in the head by a falling beam and then something knocked me out too. We must have been out for a while. It's not dark yet though so probably less than an hour."

My body did not seem to be trapped under anything, I was able to move but the space around us was very limited both on the sides and above.

"Can we get out?"

"I don't think we should try. It seems a large corrugated iron sheet fell down and got stuck right over us and protected us from other debris, so we were lucky, but we're trapped under it. I don't even think we should try moving it because there is a high risk we get something else over us. Best thing we can do is wait out here until they come searching for us."

"But do they know where we are? Did you tell anyone where you went?"

"No. When I realised after a couple of hours that you hadn't returned, I went looking for you. I didn't want… I didn't tell the others what I was doing, I just left. They think you're still at the orphanage. They will come looking for us, but it may take time."

This was my fault. I was the one who had strayed, and he had come after me and warned me that exactly this could happen, but I did not listen. Now I was ashamed that my emotions had clouded my professional judgement and behaviour.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ran off and didn't obey your orders."

"Obeying orders really isn't your forte at times, Dawes."

"I will next time."

"I should hope so. I might have to put you up on charges for this."

I winced, and he saw it.

"I'm just joking Dawes, trying to lighten up the situation. If we get out unharmed I'm happy. No charges."

"You don't think we will get out?"

"I do, I trust they will find us and get us out, but I won't deny we are in a dangerous situation, so I _will _be happy when we are rescued. We are lucky to have nearly full water bottles. That means we can cope for days even if we will be hungry and it will be bloody uncomfortable."

He stretched his long body. There was enough space for both of us to lie down with some distance between us, but we could not sit up. At least we were able to move and breathe and in contrast to half an hour ago when the last thing I wanted was to be near him, I was very grateful to have his company now. No one could make me feel safer in a situation like this.

"So, try to prepare yourself mentally for staying here a few days, Dawes and we need to ration the water."

"Anyway, it's nice to get some quality time with you, Sir."

He snorted a laugh.

"You call _this_ quality time?"

"Well, you and me alone, even if I know you don't like that particularly. You must not be best pleased now when you have no way of avoiding me."

He did not say anything and looked away.

Even when he was covered in dirt he was beautiful, from the dust smattered eyelashes to the high cheekbones and full lower lip. I was not less in love than I had been this morning.

"I missed you, you know."

The words came out before I could stop them from leaving my lips.

"What?" His head snapped up, alert.

"I missed the way we were when you gave me swimming lessons, or when we were waiting out during the final exercise. The way we were during the dinner at your parents' house."

And I missed when he kissed me.

"I thought we were becoming friends and I missed you when you were gone. I missed it even more when I came here, and you were here, but _that_ still was gone."

The silence was deafening. He cleared his throat.

"I told you why before", he said softly. "I can't allow myself to get emotionally involved."

"Yeah, you made your point loud and clear."

"But you make that very difficult for me", he added after a pause, then seemed to hesitate again if he really should continue talking. I was holding my breath and in the end he did. "When I came looking for you this afternoon I didn't plan on telling you off, it just happened like that because I got so worried before I found you."

I met his eyes and he did not look away.

"I got worried because I knew you were on your own and it was my fault. You're really good at making me worry about you, Dawes. I'll probably get grey hairs early because of you."

"I don't do it on purpose."

"I know."

But I quite liked the thought that he worried because it meant that at some level he cared about me. I was also wondering if he intended to elaborate on what he meant by that I made it hard for him to stay emotionally uninvolved.

"There was another reason I wanted to see you, talk to you again. After you had left, I overheard a conversation between some of the lads. Or, I heard Smurf talking. Talking shit, slagging you."

"I'm not surprised."

"He was boasting that you had been desperate to get into his pants on a double-date he had been to with you and his friend Matt Geddings and another girl, but he had rejected you because he didn't find you attractive."

"That son of a b… It was him coming on to me, but I wouldn't have it."

"I thought as much", he said with a grim smile. "I interrupted and said that besides that I wouldn't have him talking crap about anyone in his section, I didn't think his friend, my fellow officer, Geddings would appreciate that he was spreading lies about what had happened with _his_ girlfriend when all of you were on a double-date."

"But…"

"Please let me finish", he interrupted me, eager to say what he had to say. "Smurf just stared at me, his face looked like a question mark and he said; 'Geddings' girlfriend? You got the wrong end of the stick, Sir. He's with Jackie Aston and I was the unlucky one to be paired with Dawes.' Then I realised that I had gotten it wrong all this time, when I thought you and Geddings were together. "

I tried to take in what he said and registered this seemed to imply he actually _cared_ if I was with Matt or not.

"I thought you might have misunderstood, but I felt I couldn't explain when I didn't know if you cared to know."

He looked down, avoiding my gaze.

"I do, I _do_ care to know", he almost whispered.

"It was always him and Jackie."

"But he got your phone number before you left Pirbright?"

"I gave him Jackie's number, said he should call her because she fancied him. But honestly, why do you care when you have a girlfriend?"

He looked up again, astonishment and confusion written over his face.

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"But what about Georgie Lane."

"Georgie… I broke up with her a long time ago, the day she came to visit at barracks. Best decision I have ever made."

I remembered how cheerful he had seemed the following morning but thought it was because he had seen his girl.

"But she was at the Boxing Day party, and Sam said…"

"She was there because her family is friends with ours. Whatever Sam said you got it wrong. Well, she _tried _to convince me we should get back together but I wasn't interested. I had feelings for someone else even if I didn't think I could have her."

There was a silence where the only sound was my heart thumping loudly.

"I didn't think I had a chance because she was in love with my colleague and yet I could not resist kissing her when I found myself under a mistletoe with her. Made a complete fool of myself but it was a lovely kiss." He kept looking at me intently and the right corner of his mouth went up in a smile.

"Do you have feelings for me, Sir?"

I felt like a bubble of happiness was swelling inside of me.

"How about we skip the 'Sir' for as long as we are trapped in here? I shouldn't say this, and I will probably regret it, but I _do _have feelings for you."

"Why do treat me like you do then? Why did you say what you did this morning?"

"Because I don't know what to do with myself! I didn't want anyone around us to know how I feel. I didn't want _you_ to know so you would feel awkward or harassed, and the thought you would tell Matt, who I really happen to like and respect, that I had tried to come between you on tour, that just makes me cringe. When you came here, when I saw you the first day, part of me was thrilled to be near you again because I hadn't stopped thinking about you, but the other part of me just wanted to put as much distance between us as possible so I wouldn't have to deal with my feelings or the consequences of them. As I couldn't run away I tried to keep my distance anyway. I think I managed pretty well until today."

Bashfully he raked his fingers through his hair, looking a little bit desperate.

"But now you're telling me you're fond of me?" I giggled in joyful disbelief.

"Against my better judgement, I have to tell you I'm afraid it's more than so. I'm totally smitten with you, in love with you, going crazy with jealousy when I thought you were with Matt, so I barely could stand being near you. Every time I looked at you I've been afraid you would see. That you would read me and then I wouldn't know what to do anymore."

I could not quite grasp what I heard, it was too much to process. I just knew it made me terribly happy.

"Please, say something Molly."

"Ditto."

"Ditto? A bleeding ditto? I was hoping for something more after telling you all that", he smiled but I saw an apprehensive flicker in his eyes. I did not want him to feel uncertain about me anymore, yet I held back my words.

"It's just that I don't know what I can say to you." He was still my CO after all.

"After me blurting all _that_ out, and in here where it's just the two of us, feel free to say anything you like. Please."

His eyes pleaded now, filled with an open longing which he had hidden so well before.

"Then… I'm in love with you too. I can't stop thinking about you in all sorts of inappropriate ways and I have been desperate to kiss you again ever since we first kissed."

He held his head propped up by his hand and kept looking at me where I was lying, so close I could feel his warm breath on my face, making hairs that had escaped from my braid flutter. At my words, his eyes gleamed and his smile grew wider and more confident. He reached out his other hand and gently smoothed some strands in place, tucked them behind my ear.

"You don't understand how happy that makes me... but I can't let anything happen between us while we're here, Dawes. It's against Army regulations and we could be dishonourably discharged. You know that, don't you?"

"I know." I chewed my lower lip and noticed his gaze moved from my eyes to my lips. "It's just that if that iron sheet or another beam come crashing down our heads and we die, I would rather have kis…"

His lips to mine cut off my sentence. A much softer touch than the kiss in Bath, surreal but definitely real.

"Me too." He whispered and moved away, but only an inch.

"What?" I felt dizzy and it had nothing to do with the hit to my head.

"If that happened, I would rather have kissed you than not."

He did it again, lingered longer this time, allowed me to respond. He paused to look into my eyes, checking for affirmation I wanted this. If my eyes matched his, my pupils would have been dilated and dark, telling him yes. This time our lips crashed together and then we could not let go. I parted my lips and he let his tongue slip in with soft sensuality, then kept kissing me deep and hot until we had to gasp for air.

We clung on to each other, pressing our bodies together but did not dare to move much in case anything would come falling down. This, which had been unthinkable earlier today, now felt completely natural. Inevitable even, like it always were meant to be like this. We let our hands do a bit of exploration on the outside of our uniform shirts and fatigues, but mostly we applied our mouths. Kissed hard until my lips felt bruised; grazed softly, barely touching almost like a whisper to the other's lips. I dotted light kisses along his jaw, feeling the emerging stubble that I had longed to touch so many times before. He nuzzled into the dip by my neck, inhaled me and touched with lips light as a feather, nibbled my earlobe until my hot skin contradictory prickled. I loved the feeling of his body pressed to the length of mine, safe and arousing. I wanted him, needed him so much that I wished I could jump out of my own skin and inside his to be closer, yet this was perfect. Despite the desire we felt, we were not able to rush due to the circumstances, forced to linger in this sublime moment filled with desperate need.

To begin with the kisses were silent, serious and breathless, expressing the feelings suppressed for so long, but as time went by they became more playful, pulling and biting softly at one another's lips, smiling through kisses interspersed with joyous giggles at the wonder of discovering each other like this. This dark dusty corner where we were confined, became my heaven on earth in his presence and I wanted to be nowhere else. Well, if I could have beamed us still glued together to a king-size bed with fresh sheets and removed our clothes in the transport I would not have objected, but this was more than fine. It was nearly perfect, except for the danger the unstable building and possible new after-shocks posed. I lost track of time, lost myself in him and he left me in no doubt it was the same for him, all intentions to keep to Army regulations forgotten right here in our little universe.

"What do we do now?" I finally asked, after he with raspy voice had admitted he was in desperate need of water and we both had some from our limited supply.

"Wait for them to come find us, we should probably try to sleep a bit even if it is very hard with you next to me like this." He gave me a cheeky smile.

It was darker now, night falling outside and unlikely someone would find us before daylight returned.

"I meant, what do we do _after _they find us, when we get out?"

His face turned serious.

"As much as I hate to say this." He interrupted himself to place a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth. "We have to pretend like nothing." He kissed the other corner. "Not to each other, but to everyone else. Wait out for the remainder of the tour, do this right or we're off to a very rocky start."

"A start?"

"Of course, did you think I would let you go after _this_? Unless it's what you want?" He furrowed his brow, looking worried before I answered.

"No, I very much like this to be a start." I hooked my fingers inside the lining of his fatigues and pulled him to me and we kissed again. He groaned muffled into my mouth. Holding like that I could feel those well-defined abs I had admired when we were swimming. Before I could stop myself, I tugged the uniform shirt out of his fatigues and placed my palms on his flat stomach. Felt the hard muscles and the warm smooth skin. He hissed and nuzzled my lower lip, with his teeth pulling it into his mouth before letting it go.

"I don't know how I will be able to keep my hands of you, though I have to. I guess I have to take more cold showers than usual."

I loved the thought that I could have that effect on him, even if I did not like the thought of waiting out. I knew it was the only sensible thing though as I did not want to risk neither of our careers.

"I won't be able to treat you different from the others, not smile at you more, not wink at you, not touch you…" He kissed me on the neck below my ear, then looked me in the eyes again. "…but I'm yours."

"You're mine?"

"I'm yours Molly Dawes, if you'll have me and I can't wait until we get home and I can ask you out on a proper date."

"You're asking me out on a date?"

"Yes."

"I'll think about it", I smirked, and he pulled me to him with a low, soft laugh.

"Are you going to be a tease about this?"

He moved my hands back under his shirt, seemingly appreciating the touch, then mirrored me as he pulled my shirt up and softly caressed my back. I think I died a little, it felt _that_ good.

"I think you deserve that after what you put me through." I said with faked indignation and found it a bit hard focusing on talking.

"It was just self-preservation. Wanting this so badly and thinking I couldn't have it."

"Of course, I'll go on a date with you, you numpty. For now, I just want to keep kissing you as much as I can before they find us, so I can stand the next two months before we get home."

"Mmmm, I need that too."

After that we stayed silent in the now dark little space, only our ragged breathing and giggles heard until we finally fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

When we woke up, daylight had returned, and we tried to move and stretch or stiff bodies a bit. The floor was hard, and the night had been cold even if we kept warmer by staying so close together. For a moment I wondered if it all had been a dream and he would be back to being his distant self but the warmth in his brown eyes told me that was not the case.

"Good morning, Dawes. Slept well?"

"Fucking uncomfortable but I never slept better." I smiled at him.

"Same here", he grinned back. The stubble had grown overnight and was more than just a shadow now.

"You look shitting hot with a stubble"

"You think?", he looked incredibly happy, like it was the best compliment he ever got.

"Mmmm." I placed a soft kiss on his chin. "But it feels like sandpaper."

"Then I had better be careful snogging you, or everyone will know what we have been up to when they find us."

He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly, making sure his stubble did not scrape my skin. It was the loveliest good morning kiss. I wished I could have it for every day of my life. We were interrupted by a rumble from my stomach.

"Hungry?"

"Starving!"

"I wish I could take you for a lovely brunch now. There's this place in Bath where they serve the best _Eggs Benedicte_ and.."

"Please don't make me think more of food than I already do, when I'm so hungry and we have nothing to eat and _Eggs Benedicte_ sounds delicious even if I don't actually have a clue what it is."

He just looked mischievous and stroke softly over my lips with the pad of his thumb.

"There's so many things I want to do with you when we get home. When I'm not your CO and have informed Major Beck that I have a huge crush on a certain private, so we can be seen out in the open."

"I can think of a few things I'd like to do with you _before_ we can be seen out in the open too."

"If I don't talk of food, can you please not talk like that Molly", he said with a groan and gave me an intensive, possessive kiss.

"I'll try not to."

We drank some water and then just lay talking, while softly caressing each other's faces and hair and kissing every now and then, until we finally heard voices outside and both started shouting to get their attention.

"Captain James? Dawes? Is that you?" It was Kinders voice.

"Yes!"

"Are you unharmed?"

"We are, but we're stuck here. You need to help us out."

"Don't worry, Sir. We will get you out!"

Of course, nothing could be more welcome than Kinders and the others because it meant we would be rescued, but at the same time I did not want this to end. I looked at Charles and saw my conflicted feelings reflected in his face, felt his hands on my hips pulling me close to him.

"We have a little time before they get through", he said in low voice. "Let's make the most of it."

For as long as we dared, we stayed in each other's arms, kissing softly when we did not have to say something to guide them in the right direction, but we knew the moment when we had to part was coming closer. He gave me one deep, long last kiss and then pulled away. He leaned his forehead to mine.

"I'm already missing you, don't forget this over the next months. I know I won't."

"How could I ever?"

Then we moved as far apart as the small space allowed and in minutes the guys broke through and we were able to crawl out. He gave me one last look filled with emotion before he went into Captain mode and we both knew no physical contact would be possible between us again until we were back in England. I thought I would be able to bear it now though, because now I knew he had feelings for me and he had promised me he was mine.


	22. Chapter 22: The art of pretending

**_A/N: Sorry for the wait. Got distracted by a business trip to Amsterdam (even if I in all fairness wrote some of this chapter on the plane) and by another story which wanted to come out (The secret), but here we go again and thanks for all the lovely reviews to the previous chapter. They really keep me going! Really need some cheering up because this has been a shitty day with a parking ticket and an unexpected conflict with neighbours I usually like, but in the lovely writing bubble things always feel better._**

* * *

**Chapter 22: The art of pretending like nothing**

* * *

"Let me give you a hand mate."

The bright sun blinded us after the dimmed light inside the collapsed building and at first we did not see the faces belonging to the helpful hands reaching out to us. When my eyes slowly adjusted I was met by a surprise and immediately turned to watch Charles because I realised it must come as an even bigger shock to him.

For this rescue mission, Kinders and 2 section where accompanied by men from the Nepalese Army, but in addition to that, there was a British Army Special Forces team.

"Thank you, Captain Harte. I manage just fine on my own", Charles said stiffly, looking anything but thrilled at the sight of his previous best friend. Even if he had broken up with Georgie, he had obviously not forgiven Elvis for his wrong-doings.

"Come on, Charlie! You must at least be a little bit happy to see me? If we hadn't been operating nearby and called to the scene, you would still be in there for another couple of hours."

"I might consider crawling in there again if it means you disappear", Charles snapped.

I made a mental note that he apparently was not one for forgiving easily if you had cocked it up. His good opinion once lost, was maybe lost forever in Mr. Darcy-ish manner.

Elvis gaze shifted to me and his eyebrows went up.

"Private Dawes, isn't it? I see you never put in a good word for me with the Captain?" he smirked.

"Didn't get around to it", I muttered as I did not wish to get in the way of their cross-fire.

Charles eyes darted between us, now even darker – or maybe it was a hint of green I saw. I had never been one for making guys jealous on purpose, but I found this streak in him a bit amusing as he always strived to keep all emotions in check, and most of the time succeeded. At least on the outside, I had learned in the last twenty-four hours that on the inside more than met the eye went on.

"You two know each other?"

"I wouldn't say we _know _each other, Sir, but I met Captain Harte on the plane here."

It felt odd going back to calling him 'Sir' after the experience we had shared, but I might as well get used to it. I had a feeling he was dying to ask me why Elvis would ask me to put in a good word for him to _him_, but he just turned and started walking towards the camp.

I wondered if he was angry for real or just found it difficult to face Elvis and preferred to mask that as being royally pissed off.

When we finally reached the camp, Brains ordered me and Charles to join him to the med centre for a full examination before anything else. He saw that Charles was about to protest but interrupted him.

"Sorry Boss, in this case the medic is the boss. It's my duty to look out for your health so you can be in charge of everything else."

"Okay then, bossy medic, let's get it over with." Charles smirked, and I knew that even if Elvis presence disturbed him he was not angry for real.

Brains pointed for us to sit down beside each other on a wooden bench inside the med tent. First he examined our eyes with a small flashlight to check there was no visible shrapnel left, then started taking out supplies to clean us up. We sat a few inches apart, but our hands nearly touched. I made sure not to touch him involuntarily because I was sure he would not appreciate if I did, but then _he_ moved his hand just slightly closer, so our little fingers touched. I looked at him, but he stared straight ahead as if he was following Brains' moves with great interest and the only thing giving away that the touch was deliberate was the mischievous smile on his lips.

"It was quite the adventure you had." Brains chatted whilst bringing out saline solution and cotton pads. "Must have been more excitement than you bargained for, getting trapped in that building."

I had to bite my lip not to snort out a laugh, thinking of exactly in what ways it had been exciting, especially as Charles answered;

"Yup, it was definitely more exciting than I ever expected this tour to be. Didn't think I would be so lucky."

Brains smiled, believing he was ironic, but I knew better even if the really lucky one in my opinion was I.

"Were you afraid, Molly?" Brains then asked me.

"Because I'm a girl you mean? Nah, I wasn't that scary to be trapped, but at first I thought the Boss would flog me for going in there and putting us in jeopardy and that scared me more, but he settled for a tongue-lashing which I anyway deserved."

Now I felt Charles next to me shake with suppressed laughter and just the thought of his tongue in my mouth made my groin clench.

"Well, Dawes, now that we're out and I don't need to worry about stressing you out, I honestly think you may have deserved it if I had given you more of the rough side of my tongue, but the situation at hand made it hard for me to reprimand you for your recklessness. Very _hard_."

God, we had to stop this cheeky word game before I either burst into fits of laughter or blushed remembering a certain hardness.

"I said I was sorry, Boss."

"I'm just not sure I believe it, Dawes."

He turned to me with a totally stern face, but I saw the amused twinkle in his eyes.

"I think what you both need now is to hydrate, have a decent meal and then rest before you consider putting Dawes up for charges, Sir." Brains kindly interrupted what he thought was me getting told off by the Bossman. "But first... let me clean you up."

Gently Brains flushed our eyes with eyedrops and cleaned our faces, paying special attention to the small wounds. He checked my head where the beam had hit me and said there was a swelling and a small cut but nothing that needed stitching. Charles passed his scrutiny too.

"Both of you seem to be fine, nothing to worry about." He pulled the rubber gloves off. "I need clear this away here, but you must be starving so you go ahead."

None of us protested and soon we found ourselves alone again, on the path from the village back to the camp. We walked slowly, both wanting to prolong the moment as much as possible as we did not know when there would be an opportunity to be alone again without raising suspicion.

"So, Elvis?" he looked at me quizzically when I turned to him.

"Don't look at me like we have history", I smirked. "It's the two of you who obviously have unfinished business."

"How do _you _know about that?"

"Well, you seem to have in common that you like to tell me things."

He snorted.

"What exactly did he tell you? And how did he even get started?"

"I told him I knew he knew my previous CO. You. He was surprised to hear you were training fresh recruits these days and I updated him what had happened to you, what with you being injured. Then he started telling me how come you weren't in contact anymore."

"He told you he jilted Georgie at the altar?"

"Yeah. He wasn't proud of it. He also told me why and that he missed the opportunity to explain to you before it was too late."

"Hah! If he hadn't just disappeared on tour instead of acting like an adult and take responsibility for his actions, he would have had plenty of time!"

"I think he knows that and regrets it, especially as it cost him your friendship. Look, I don't think it's my place to tell you why your best friend did like he did, but maybe you have an idea by now, if you think about it? Maybe you should take the opportunity to talk to him now that he is here?"

"Maybe." He sounded like a sulking little boy.

"Don't do something you'll regret just because you're stubborn or proud. Good friends are too valuable to waste."

He looked both annoyed and amused.

"Are you giving me that advice as a private in my chain of command, or as my girlfriend?" he said dryly.

I stopped in my tracks and stared at him in shock.

"Your _girlfriend_?"

His grim expression transformed into a smile.

"I know I haven't even been able to take you out on a proper date and show you I can be boyfriend material not just a shouty CO, but I sort of hoped you would see me like that anyway after this night. It would help me live through the rest of this tour, to think of you as my girlfriend, when I'm not allowed to show openly how I feel about you."

I just loved the shy smile he bestowed me, showing he still was slightly insecure about what my answer would be.

"I'd love that, to know that you think of me as your girlfriend. It's just a bit hard to take in. Yesterday I never would have guessed I would be able to call you my _boyfriend,_ ever."

That made him laugh softly.

"Do you know how much I want to kiss you right now?"

"As much as I want to kiss you?"

We kept our eyes locked, but no one moved, not daring to risk being seen here, until I felt I could not look at him another second without giving in to the need to throw myself around his neck and kiss him. He seemed to feel the same, because he finally averted my gaze, shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking again, clearing his throat.

"Well, good that we sorted that out." It made us both laugh, and the tension was gone.

"I'm totally knackered but I wish I could sleep next to you."

"Ditto. I have to settle for dreaming about you I guess. It wouldn't be the first time."

"But it would be the first time I know you do."

"Hey!" We jumped at the sound of Brains' voice behind us, and when we turned he was approaching quickly.

"You must have walked at a snail's gallop."

"We're tired I guess", I excused us, hoping I did not look guilty.

"Completely understandable. As I said, make sure to hydrate, have some scoff and then rest and I'm sure you'll be fine."

"We just said that is all we wish for now, hit the bunk for a while and dream sweet dreams", Charles said with a poker face not giving anything away.

Alone-time with my _boyfriend_ was apparently over and I did not know when I would have some again, but the fact that he had said he _needed_ to think of me as his girlfriend to survive the upcoming months made me think that I would cope too.

* * *

Back at the camp I immediately headed to the mess tent for a meal, because I had the feeling I might faint of hunger if I did not. I saw that Charles instead headed for his tent and signed for Elvis to join him. I noticed that Elvis actually looked slightly nervous before he entered, and I would have loved to be a fly on the wall, or rather the tent canvas, when the two had their little chat.

I do not think food ever had been tastier, but I chewed slow and careful because I wanted to stay seated here as long as possible, as I had a good view of Charles' tent and badly wanted to see their faces when they came out again. Jason brought me a cuppa and sat down in front of me and I gratefully accepted the hot drink. I would have loved some milk and lots of sugar in it, but sugar we had none, and I had learned the hard way that tea with goat's milk was not recommendable.

"Cheers, mate."

"I'm so glad you're back in one piece, Molly. I nearly crapped myself when I realised you were missing after the aftershock, that you had already left the orphanage long before and no one knew where you were. What happened Molly?"

I looked around to see if anyone was listening but none of the others were near.

"Well, on the way back from the orphanage, Captain James and I had an argument…"

"You _what_? About what?"

"I lost it. Told him that it felt like he regretted kissing me in Bath and was punishing me for it and I thought it was unfair as he was the one who kissed me."

"Sweet Jesus, what did he say?"

"First he refused to talk about it, but I pushed him and then he admitted that he regretted it every day and that he kept his distance to me because he didn't want me to get the idea he had feelings for me, because he certainly didn't."

His eyes widened.

"He said _that_? That was harsh."

I nodded.

"I thought so too, so I was a bit upset. Told him I never could have feelings for a twat like him either and ran off, so he wouldn't see I started crying like a little girl."

"Oh, shit Molls."

After the last twenty-four hours' emotional roller-coaster ride it was a relief to share it with a good friend like Jason, yet I hesitated before I continued.

"Then he came looking for me because he thought I had been missing too long and was all bossy and I couldn't take it and went into that building, but he followed me and then it all came tumbling down and we were trapped. Alive but trapped."

"You're so lucky you survived, but it must have been well awkward, after that morning?"

"Nah, it was a bit until he admitted he _has_ feelings for me."

"I knew it! Didn't I tell you?"

"You did", I gigged.

"What happened then?"

"Nothing much, we talked. I told him it was the same for me, even if he is a twat."

"You're trying to tell me you didn't as much as kiss?"

"I'm telling you we have a CO who believes firmly in Army regulations and a girl has got to keep some secrets, then you can make want you want of it."

"I'm disappointed, I thought I was your gay confidante." He tried to look offended but did not pull it off.

"You're the only one I'm telling this much, remember no one else even knows about my crush on him."

"Okay then", he said grumpily and rolled his eyes. "What will you do know, the two of you?"

"Pretend like nothing, wait out until we get home."

"Good luck with that!" he chuckled and gave me a look like not in a million years did he believe we would manage to wait out. I hoped he was wrong because I did not want any of us to get into trouble by offending the Army with our feelings.

The conversation had kept me awake but now my eyelids started to feel very heavy. Then the flap to Charles' tent opened and I was fully alert again. The two men came out together, their body language now far more relaxed than before. Especially Charles looked like a weight had been lifted of his shoulders and they laughed and Elvis playfully punched Charles' shoulder only to get a wide grin in return. Apparently they had cleared out and forgiven what had happened in the past, the car-crash named Georgie Lane no longer standing in their way. I felt ridiculously happy for them.

They came our way and I assumed Charles must be dying for food now. His face gave away nothing when he saw me sitting with Jason and he certainly did not see it fit to share his conversation with Elvis with us.

"Dawes?" He cocked an eyebrow. "I expected you would be in your tent resting by now. Didn't you hear Brains' orders?"

"Yes, Sir. Just needed a cuppa after the ordeal, but I was going to..."

He gave me a curt nod.

"Double away then, Dawes. You need that rest."

His face was still blank but now when I knew to listen for it, I heard the hint of concern in his voice.

"You too, Boss. I say that as your medic."

"How would you otherwise say it, private?" Elvis asked with a cheeky smile and I wondered if Charles had told him anything, if Elvis had a very good intuition or if I was just imagining he was insinuating something.

"I don't know, I'm just exhausted Captain Harte." I saluted them and headed for Maisie's and my tent. I wanted to escape Elvis' questing gaze and just as glad as I was that he and Charles seemed to have made up, I was relieved he would soon be gone. Now all I wanted was to snuggle up to the extent it was possible on the uncomfortable sleeping mat and dream sweet dreams of Charles, for the first time with the comforting feeling that one day when we were not on tour, they might come true.

* * *

The weeks that followed were sweet torture. It was lovely to look at him, see his tall figure and handsome face, his smiles, hear his deep voice give orders and know the secret that I had been pressed up close to that body, held in his arms, those same lips had kissed me and remember that voice had spoken words of love to me. It was hard though, to be in his proximity and know he wanted to touch me and be touched but not be allowed to. I was already used not to let my gaze linger too long or with affection on him as I had practised that to perfection over the time we had known each other, but it was hard to look for _something_ in his expression giving him away and see nothing. He was so damn good at masking his feelings and even if I knew he had done it all the time _before_ the aftershock, I gradually started doubting the feelings were really there after a while.

When he stood before us, hands on his hips and let his gaze fleetingly pass over me just like over the others, without any flicker of emotion showing I was special to him, I felt uncertain I really was. When he sat down far away from me in the mess tent, with his back turned to me, it was like a stab in my heart. When he came by the med tent and spoke kindly to me but in no way different than he did to Brains and Jason it made me desperately long for a sign. If I did something that he did not approve of, he told me off in his usual was, just like with anyone, not more not less and I had a knot of angst in my stomach. I knew he_ had _to do it like that , but it seemed like he achieved it so effortless that I started to wonder if his emotional outburst only had been a reaction to the extreme situation when we were trapped, and he maybe wished he could take it all back now. Like he had wished with the kiss in Bath. He did absolutely nothing to ease my mind.

Two weeks after that special day, I found his name beside mine on the rota for orphanage duty, immediately wondering if it was coincidence.

"Who updated the rota?" I asked Kinders.

"Captain James did. Why?"

"Just wondered if someone got it wrong, mixed up the names, but since it's him that's not possible." I smiled.

"That's right Dawes and I hope you don't have any objections to going with your CO. Do you think you can stay on good terms with him for a full morning?"

"No objections, but what do you mean, Sir?"

"It's not like I don't notice you're wearing at his patience sometimes, Dawes. He is a fair commander, but you would do wise in questioning less and obeying more, if you know what I mean."

"I'll keep that in mind."

He looked sceptical. Me, I was giddy with happiness because this meant we would have some precious time alone and I was counting down the days. Three to go. I tried to press back the apprehensive feeling I also had, that maybe he would use this opportunity to tell me it had all been a mistake and there would be no _us_ even after we had landed at Brize Norton.

* * *

"Did you tamper with the rota, Boss?"

"What on earth do you mean Dawes? I'm the one who makes decisions here, so I don't need to _tamper _with anything."

We were on our way to the orphanage, him striding purposefully, me trying to keep up. He looked down on me with a frowned brow and innocent eyes, but with a half-smile at the corner of his mouth and I was starting to think we were good.

"It's just that we never went to the orphanage together before, not until Rab had hurt his foot." I felt myself smiling too.

"Things are different now, aren't they?" he said, continued the walk but glanced on me sideways.

"Are they? I wasn't sure because they seemed very much the same during the last weeks."

We were now out of sight from the camp and he stopped.

"Surely, you must _know_ things are different?" he said softly.

"I thought I did, but you're so good at acting like they're not and frankly, Boss, I'm dying a little bit."

As I said it, my heart was pounding with nervousness over what he would say.

"Me too."

We had been staring at each other seriously but now both our faces cracked in wide grins and just like that, everything was well in the world.

"I told you I'm yours and that you shouldn't forget." Now his voice was soft like velvet.

"I know, it's just hard when everything you have done during the last weeks tells me the opposite. Then I start to doubt."

"I know, it's the same for me. It's driving me insane not to be able to hug and kiss you. Even here I don't dare to take the risk, if someone sees us at a distance."

He seemed to hesitate but then took my hand and placed my palm to his chest, over where his heart was, covered it with his large hand. God, it felt good to touch him like that even with the uniform shirt between me and his skin.

"If you could feel how my heart skips a beat every time I see you, how it beats faster whenever you're close to me, then you would never doubt."

He let go all too fast, but the brief touch and his words had dissolved the knot of worry I had had in the pit of my stomach. It was all real, he still wanted this, _us_, as much as he had told me.

"Most of the time I'm grateful you can't feel my heart because it behaves totally erratic if I so much as think of you. I just don't know how to live through one and a half months without being able to touch and kiss you at least once, without going mad."

"Same here." He sighed heavily. "I'll try to think of something, we can't have a Captain _and _a medic going mad with frustration", he smirked.

We continued to the orphanage, happily chatting about anything now when the apprehensive tension we both had felt was gone. We had a wonderful morning there. We did not speak more of our feelings but whilst performing the tasks we allowed ourselves to "accidentally" bump into each other or let hands touch in a way we never did down in the camp. Allowed our eyes to meet and speak what we did not say verbally. Just like last time, the children pulled him into the game that resembled football and this day I joined too. Everything felt so different from the other time we had been here. Then he avoided me, now we were a team, playfully sharing this experience, taking care of these wonderful children and every time our eyes met, I felt more in love with him than ever.

A kind woman called Binsa, was staying at the orphanage attending to the children like a mother. When I left the game and joined her to prepare the children's lunch, she surprised me saying in her broken English:

"Beautiful love." She made a sign towards Charles and then looked at me.

"What? Us? No, we're not a couple." I denied with blushing cheeks.

"When no speak, see", she smiled and pointed to her eyes.

I realised that this day when we had allowed ourselves to relax, our body language had given us away, especially to people who could not follow the more impersonal verbal conversation we tried to maintain. Binsa, who was not distracted by what we _said_, had seen the way our bodies were drawn to each other like flowers to the sun.

I smiled shyly at her.

"Please, don't tell anyone, Binsa."

"Never", she smiled back, and I knew our secret was safe.

* * *

I was curious what Charles would come up with to get some time in private but trusted it would be something clever. I knew he would not take any risks, probably even more for my sake than his own as my career in the Army only just had started.

Three days later Smurf came by the med centre as he had some blisters needing attention. I was busy inoculating children, but Jason helped him. Smurf looked even more smug and pleased with himself than usual and soon shared why.

"Captain James told me he is planning on driving to the nearest town tomorrow, to fill up our supplies. He will bring one of us."

I felt sure it would not be me, because Charles would not want to risk starting rumours by singling me out. Smurf seemed confident it would be him.

"I'm sure he'll take me. After all, I'm the best recruit in Catterick."

Even the patient Brains had had enough of his cocky bullshit.

"You know, Smurf, Captain James said that _once_ and have you possibly heard about irony?"

Smurf stared at Brains like he was insane.

"He wasn't ironic. Everyone knew Geraint was the best in his platoon, and so am I."

"Geraint?" I bounced at the mentioning of the familiar name.

"My brother. My _dead_ brother. He served under Captain James too, was killed by the Taliban."

Finally, it became clear to me why Charles sometimes let Smurf get away with being a dickhead. Just like with Georgie, he felt like he had something he needed to make up to him for. In Georgie's case it had been Elvis dumping her, in Smurf's case it was his brother dying when he was in his charge. Charles was so loyal and caring underneath that hard shell of his and it was a pity that fucked up persons took advantage of that.

That evening, after dinner, Charles gathered us and told us about the planned excursion but to Smurf's disappointment he did not chose him, instead announced that he would let chance decide who would get the opportunity to see something else than the camp and its surroundings. For the first time I dared to hope, at least my chances were 1 in 10. He had us draw sticks and the one who got the shortest would get to go. When I picked mine, I looked up and met his eyes and suddenly I got the feeling that chances rather were 10 in 10 that I would get to go because he had done something to make it happen.

"And we have a lucky winner; Private Dawes!" he announced in the same way he would have for any winner, but I knew my hunch had been correct. I tried not to seem more pleased than could be justified by the change of environment, even if I was in fact ecstatic. Hours alone in a car with Charles, that was right now everything I had wished for. Oh, what a clever boyfriend I had.

When Charles had left, Smurf gave me the evil eye.

"That's not fair!"

"How can it not be fair when everyone had the same odds of winning?" Monk asked.

"It should have been me. Molly won't be able to help the Boss like I would have."

Even if I knew he had not really had a fair chance, I did not feel a sparrow fart of sympathy for Smurf. I was a bit sorry for the others but not enough to give up my car date with Charles.

"I dare say that not having to put up with your wining and farting throughout the drive, makes up for me possibly not being as physically strong and efficient carrying supplies if that's what you mean, Smurf." I snapped and walked away, totally happy.

We left early next morning. Charles looked cool as a cucumber when he jumped into the driver's seat of the Land Rover and I hoped I did too, but as soon as we had left the camp behind he took my hand and squeezed it, put it to his lips to kiss it and gave me a wicked smile. My own smile was so wide that there was a chance my lips would meet at the back of my head.

"How did you pull it off? Don't tell me it was coincidence I won?"

"Of course not, old trick. I wanted nobody else but you with me. In fact, that is my main reason for going at all, I could have had someone bring us supplies." He looked incredibly pleased and happy.

"Smurf was sure you would want to bring the 'best recruit in Catterick'."

"Christ, he really has a hang-up on that comment, wish I never had said it. Didn't even mean it at the time, but he has an ego the size of a planet, so I should have known irony wouldn't go through."

I wanted to ask him about Smurf being Geraint's brother, but not now. I did not want to waste our time together talking about Smurf.

"So, is this our first date?" I asked instead.

"Nope. Our first date won't involve wearing combats or any uniforms what so ever, I promise you that."

"I wouldn't mind if you wore a no. 1 dress uniform."

He grinned at me, cocking an eyebrow.

"You like that? What's the deal with women and that uniform anyway?"

"I don't know, it's just _hot_. Isn't there any uniform you find hot?"

"Fatigues. On you. Now."

A heat wave travelled through me, especially as his words were accompanied by a lustful glance, lasting for as long as he dared to take his eyes of the narrow road.

"Do you think about me like that often?" I was more than curious to know the answer.

"Often? More like all the time. God, Molly, this has been, _is_, so much harder than I thought was possible. It was hard before I knew you had feelings for me too, but then I could at least tell myself to get my shit together because you wouldn't want your CO drooling over you. Now I just don't know how to stop my thoughts from going there. It's so fucking hard."

"_What_ exactly is?" I wanted to hear him say it.

"Not be allowed to touch you, when it's all I want. Not be allowed to show everyone I'm in love with you."

I was sure his words would have sent an ECG of my heart activity spiking through the roof with pure happiness.

"Still no regrets then? Even if it distracts you?"

"Not for a second. I know I _should _regret it. This is overstepping the mark in so many ways and against all my principles, but I'm just not able to regret anything. I'm grateful we're not in a war zone though, because then I probably would have had no choice but to send you home to stay fully focused on the mission."

"I feel the same. Well, except for the part about sending me home."

He threw his head back in laughter and suddenly looked very young. Stripped of the need to act in accordance with the authority and responsibility that came with his rank, it was like years were peeled off from him. I was in love with him all the time, but even more like this.

"I have wanted this for a long time, you know." He turned serious just as quick.

"How long?"

"I really shouldn't tell you."

"Please? Now when we have time to talk?"

I tried my best to look at him with pleading puppy eyes, which made him burst into laughter again.

"I'm immune to _that_, Dawes. They teach us at Sandhurst because they couldn't have officers who are open to emotional blackmail."

"I don't believe you. I think you're just very good at _pretending_ you're immune to it."

He chewed his lower lip, looking at me intently.

"Maybe you're right. At least when it comes to you, although you never would get me to repeat that in public."

He shook his head like he could not believe what I was doing to him and I giggled like a school girl.

"So, how long? When did you first have any feelings for me?"

"Christ, this is embarrassing! Okay… do you remember when you had to re-run the 1,5-mile PFA?"

How could I ever forget? I had run for dear life during that fitness assessment to try to impress him, so he would not think I was a total shit-recruit.

"Yeah, you were mad at me for helping Katie and made me run again next morning, without distractions."

"I was never mad at you really. I was impressed that you were willing to get a worse result and even take a bollocking for it, to make sure someone else made it. That's the true team spirit we need, but I had to put on a bit of an act to make you understand you were expected to follow orders. I had a feeling you weren't taking things seriously at all then, I realised later that you actually were even if you were arsing around. Anyway, you impressed me again with how fast you could run that morning."

"Nearly killed me, I wanted to impress you so badly", I admitted with a grin.

"Afterwards, you were lying in the grass when I came to tell you your result…"

I remembered that too. He had been standing looking down on me with his sternest expression, first without saying anything and I had thought I must look a mess, sweaty and flushed but been too exhausted to give a flying fuck.

"…you were lying there with flushed cheeks, panting and you were so beautiful…"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah... and then the thought popped up in my head, if that was what you looked like when you…" He interrupted himself with a look of deep embarrassment. "Totally unprofessional! Anyway, that was the first time I realised I was in trouble. I had never had such thoughts about someone under my command."

I stared at him, could not believe he had had such filthy lovely thoughts about me then, in the very beginning.

"I thought I just annoyed the crap out of you?"

"You did! I was so fucking annoyed with you, because you were cheeky and didn't follow orders and because I couldn't figure you out and because I told you things I really shouldn't as your CO, because you shifted between unexpectedly brilliant and totally needing someone to take care of you and because I worried about you like I don't ever worry over anyone else, but mostly because I got more and more attracted to you the more I got to know you. And then, when you dyed your hair dark and I saw you in that top and tight little jeans in the bar that evening…" He shook his head. "It was the undoing of me."

The words poured out of his mouth and he almost seemed as taken aback by his confession as I was.

"Shit, Molly! You always make me tell you more than I intended to", he sighed.

"Not always, I can remember quite a few occasions when you have been talking to me as much as a clam."

"Just because I'm afraid to say too much if I even open my mouth." The lovely smile was back.

"And then you broke up with Georgie, the day after the bar. Was it because of me?"

"Yes and no. I had known for a long time we were no good together. You know I doubted the relationship already when we talked in Hungerford, but we had a complex history as I know Elvis told you and I wanted to be sure I did the right thing. We didn't see much of each other during the autumn anyway because I was at barracks and she travelled for her job. She's a swimsuit model."

Of course, she was. Not that I was jealous, not at all. Thinking of it a second time I really was not, because I was the one sitting here with him, not she.

"So, I pushed it ahead of me, but after that evening in the bar I couldn't deny I had feelings for you any longer, and I knew just as sure that I had none left for her when she came to see me the next day and I told her it was over. I still had no idea if you felt anything for me, it always seemed like you preferred Geddings' company and I couldn't even try to find out until you had passed out."

"I only preferred Matt's company because you were terrifying much of the time and because I was afraid you would notice I had a huge crush on you."

"You did? It's not more than fair that you tell me when it started for you now that I've put my heart on my sleeve for you."

"Since the first day, I think. No wait, maybe even before that, when I saw the photo of you at your parents' house. I knew it was totally stupid because you were out of my league and I thought you were an asshole, but there was just something about you."

"I'm so not out of your league, Molly", he smiled, and I dared to continue.

"I had this special feeling there was a connection between us but every time we came a bit close, it was like you had the need to crash it under your regulation boots."

"It's true. I was afraid of what the hell this was. I didn't want it because it was against regulations and yet it was all I wanted."

We stayed quiet for a while, both with eyes fixed on the bumpy road, thinking back to what had played out during basic training. I was lost in that and was slightly startled when he spoke again.

"When you kissed me… You know when I pulled you out of the lake. Fuck, first I was so afraid you weren't going to make it, that you had drowned and then you kissed me like we were lovers. I was totally shocked, and I loved it. If the others had not been there, I don't know if I would have been able to resist you. When I walked away I prayed to God no one would notice I had a hard-on."

"You didn't?"

"I'm an officer Molly, but I'm still a man made of flesh and blood, very much so. And you are just tantalising, even more so because you don't understand it yourself."

"I kissed you because I thought you were a husband I had dreamt I had."

"I know, you said – and I envied him. How lame is that?"

"But after that I never dreamt of anyone but you, and I've dreamt of you _a lot_."

Suddenly he pulled to the side of the road and stopped abruptly.

"Is anything wrong?"

He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to me, looking at me all intense.

"No, everything is fine. More than fine. I just have to kiss you."

And there in the middle of nowhere, we allowed ourselves a long, lovely snog. It was even better than I remembered it. He interrupted briefly, with hazy eyes and hoarse voice saying;

"I know this is wrong, but it feels so fucking right."

In response, I just pulled him to me grabbing hold of the curls at the nape of his neck and kissed him deeply until we both were out of breath.

After this divine break, we gathered ourselves and drove on and finally reached the small town. It was primitive, but it was possible to get everything on our list. Besides the limited selection of stores, there was a simple restaurant where we had a meal before we returned to camp. The food was surprisingly tasty and the company the best. I don't think we let go of each other's eyes once during the meal. I thought to myself I would never get tired of looking into those brown eyes, not even if we grew old and grey.

"Are you sure this isn't a date?" I giggled.

"I told you, no uniforms on our first proper date, but it doesn't mean I don't love your company."

"I was thinking…"

"Sound dangerous", he smirked.

"Nah, not really. But you know, a _nice_ girl doesn't usually go to bed with a guy on a first date, what with not wanting to appear a slag and all that."

He raised an eyebrow and looked both curious and like he thought it was a stupid rule, which it of course was.

"So, if _this_ was our first date, then a date back home would be our second one and you know that opens up other possibilities."

"Suddenly I like very much how you're thinking, Dawes." He took my hand under the table. "Well, in that case, feel free to consider our time in entrapment our first date, this our second and when we get home, I'll take you for our third. How does that sound?"

"It sounds just perfect."

He looked me straight in the eyes.

"I think so too, and I can't wait. And for the record, I would _never_ think you were a slag no matter what. It's 2019, not 1919 and if you want me, no one could be happier than I."


	23. Chapter 23: Tell me yours and I'll tell

**_A/N: I always read a chapter many, many times while writing it and once more after publishing, but usually not the full stories. This time I had to go back and read bits and pieces of this story to remind myself of previous conversations, not to make a mess of this going forward. I realised I have taken them on quite a journey with lots of bumps this time and appreciate you haven't grown tired of it yet and keep following the story. They have been talking a loooot, and they will talk some more because I kind of enjoy writing conversations between them. Maybe explained by that I thought it was the characters and what went on inside their nuts, rather than the action scenes that made series 1 so great. Hopefully you are not bored and just want me to finally get to the bloody end, because we are not there quite yet. _**

**_x_**

* * *

**Chapter 23: Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine**

* * *

During those hours in the car we talked through so many things. Not only our feelings and how they had grown on us during basic training, but also our respective pasts. I did not want to go there at first, into mine, but he led the way.

We had stocked up on supplies and were back in the four by four, had started the long, winding journey back to the mountain camp. I loved to be away on a joint adventure, this was the first time we did something alone except for the swimming lessons. As we drove in companionable silence, I appreciated his athletic form next to me, his muscular combat clad thighs not far from mine, the strong hands resting on the wheel, every once in a while moving to shift gear with almost absentminded skill and I wondered how it would be to have those large hands moving over my skin, then felt I had to snap out of it before I let involuntary sounds of longing escape over my lips.

"So, you and Elvis, are you good now? You looked like you might be friends again after you had talked that day when they rescued us?" I asked him.

"Uh-hum, we cleared a few things out."

"Won't you tell me the whole story? I have only heard Elvis version, but it's yours I'm interested in."

"On one condition."

"What is that?" I was hoping he would say he wanted another long kiss, easy to agree to.

"I'll give you the full story of my past love life, if you give me your story first. Not necessarily love story, just your past."

Suddenly my heart was thumping fast and anxious. I did not know if I was ready to share with him what he was asking me to.

"You're such a great listener, Molly, and because of that I have told you so much already, but I don't know much about you. Beside what I could read in your file I just know a few bits and pieces."

"There's not much to tell really." I noticed my left leg had started moving nervously up and down and willed it to stop.

"I think there is and since I'm your boyfriend now I'd love to know a bit more than what anyone with access to your file can read black on white, because that's frankly a bit impersonal. I like you just as you are, but I'd like to know more of what has made you into you."

He made it sound so uncomplicated, but it was not.

"It doesn't have to be that complicated. I mean, I've already met your family but tell me more about them, about your life before we met."

He gave me an expectant smile which I knew he intended to be encouraging. I stared ahead on the road, thought that they really were in need of tarmac in this country, but I guessed it came further down on the priority list, after a roof over your head, enough to eat and proper health care.

"Molly?"

I realised he was waiting for me to speak.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you."

Well, it was a bit like that, to be honest. If I told him maybe he would look at me differently, with pity instead of passion in his eyes. I had really begun to appreciate him eyeing me hungrily when we were alone and was not keen on changing it. I did not think he even had a remote understanding of how deep a shithole my life used to be when I grew up and I knew I had been very vague about my time in hospital. Maybe he would not want me if I told him everything. The other side of the coin was that I _did_ want him to know me, did not want to pretend I'm anything I'm not if we kept seeing each other. But how to get started? I gave him a bleak smile and my insides were all but calm.

"It's just hard. You know my life hasn't exactly been fit to front a glossy magazine, like yours."

"You know I have been through hard times too." A furrow appeared over his brow, as if he was concerned I might live under the impression he had been waltzing through life, despite the struggles he had told me of.

"You have, but in a different way."

He let go of the wheel with his one hand, this time not to manage the gear. Instead he grasped for my hand and laced our fingers. It was strange how safe that made me feel, just the physical contact of two extremities.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." Plain and simple, I did. I would not doubt a split second to lay my life in his hands, but that did not prevent me from being afraid he would realise I was not good enough for him.

"And you know that there's _nothing _you can tell me about your past that would make me like you less now, don't you? I love you for you are, and you wouldn't be that person if you hadn't lived your life."

"You_ love_ me?" My eyes must have been like green saucers, wide with the shock.

He pulled his lower lip between teeth and his Adam's apple wobbled, when he realised he had said more than he intended too.

"You have said that you are _in_ love with me, but not that you _love _me."

"Well, I… I didn't mean to say it like this, and maybe a bit previous, but I do. I do love you."

He tried to catch my gaze, but I nervously averted his.

I loved him too, without a doubt. The words just felt a bit too big for my mouth, or at least too big to get them over my lips. I had never told anyone but the little ones and mum that I loved them. I was more used to harsh and cursing words than loving and caring ones. Cowardly, I left his words hanging in the air, even if they made my heart strings play in Major. Instead of answering them, I started telling him. Knowing that if I wanted to be close to him, I had to let him come close to me. If he was disappointed over my diversion manoeuvre he did not let it show.

"Okay then…" I pulled in air heavily, filled my lungs to stall it a few seconds longer, let it out and stopped beating about the bush. "You _have_ met my family…but meeting them nowadays is like meeting a technicolour version of the darker, X-rated version I lived with as a kid. Dad was never sober. _Never_. On a good day he was mildly drunk and in a cheerful mood, though generally useless when it came to being of any help at home, but often he was completely pissed and verbally abusive. He never hit any of us, but there were times when I thought he would. He never had a job and if he ever got his hands on some cash before mum could tuck it away, it was spent at the pub before you could blink, without giving any thought to what the family needed."

He kept holding my hand.

"Mum, she fought to keep it all together. She was so young when she had me, seventeen, and then the others followed quickly. So, there she was with a complete tosser of a husband, five little bleeders, a shitty council house and no money and just struggling to make ends meet. I know she always loved us but much of the time she was too tired to show it. Dad, he was just too drunk to be anything but egocentric. I think his only feelings, or rather instincts, were thirsty, angry and horny. I don't think I ever got a hug or encouraging word from him until I was twenty-two, after he surprisingly had sobered up… You're hurting my hand, Charles. You don't have to hold it _that _hard."

I smiled at him, tried to show him that by now it was fine, _really_. He glanced at me with a serious, compassionate expression and I felt an unwelcome lump forming in my throat.

"We did not starve but we often went to school or to bed hungry. We had clothes, but they weren't always clean or fit for season. One year I wore summer shoes through an entire winter, it was bloody cold, thought I would lose a toe or two and was amazed when spring came and they all were intact. There was never anyone helping me with homework, no interest or energy for that, and when I got home from school I had to help mum with the little ones and put food on the table. After they went to bed I was too knackered to focus on school work and I often skipped classes to help mum in the morning or to get home earlier. That didn't make for a brilliant pupil."

I had fought to forget the details of these years and how hard it actually had been. Bringing the memories to life, tears were burning on the back of my eyelids and I felt an illogical flash of anger directed at him for making me reminisce.

"Do you know how it feels to be the one looking shabby even in a school where nobody looks posh? Do you know what it feels like when the teacher looks at you like you're an idiot because you spent the whole evening trying to get your feverish little brother to sleep, whilst your plastered dad was shouting at your mum outside the door, so you didn't read your history book? Do you know what it feels like when your dad shouts in your face you're a dirty skank because you gave the money you earned, working in a nail bar, again instead of doing homework, to your mum instead of to him to spend on booze? Do you know what it feels like going to that job, despite that you have a bleeding headache which got worse by the smell of the nail varnish and not be able to afford an Advil? Do you know how it feels when everyone needs you to takes the responsibilities of a grown-up instead of being one of the kids in your family, when you only turned ten last week and no one as much as baked you a birthday cake?"

I heard my own upset voice, almost sounding as if I was accusing him even if all that had nothing to do with him. He could never had protected me from it.

"No, I don't", he said softly.

"Well, _I_ do. That's what my life was like and I thought it always would be and then it got even worse before it finally got better."

For the second time that day, he pulled to the side of the road and stopped but this time not to make out. He moved his seat as far back as he could and signed for me to come and sit on his lap. I felt a bit like prannet over my outburst, but he did not indicate that he found it silly in any way.

"Please come here, Molly. I want to be close to you."

It is lucky that Army vehicles are spacious because I could easily fit in his lap without being cramped. He pulled me into the solidness of his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I let myself mould into him and just like when I before had been looking straight ahead on the road whilst the words poured out, it was a relief not to look him in the eyes now. I have always found it easier to share things when you do not have someone staring you right in the eyes. When you cannot see if they judge you or pity you.

"You're even braver than I thought."

"I'm not brave, I just didn't have a choice."

"Not everyone who doesn't have a choice manage like you have. Don't make less of yourself than you are, Molls. You _are_ a brave girl. Woman."

Then he stayed quiet, just held me, waited and let me take my time. I listened to his heart beating under my ear. He made me feel protected - I had never felt before like someone was there for me like he was in that moment. When I spoke again my voice was almost steady, strengthened by the warmth of his body.

"When I was seventeen, I started going out with this bloke, Artan. He was a few years older and I was flattered he showed interest in me. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he had a job and seemed all mature and first he treated me really nice. Then after a while, he became more and more alike my dad. Was drunk or high and called me things, was jealous and controlling and I was starting to think I should leave him. Then he cheated on me with my friend on my eighteen birthday and I finally broke up with him. Decided I had enough."

I snuggled closer to his chest, seeking for the comfort I badly needed when I came to this part.

"He beat me up so badly I can't even remember anything but pain and a blur, then left me to die in the street where someone found me and had me brought to hospital. I was in a coma for a while and when I finally woke up I wasn't myself. I guess you can say I went nuts, withdrew inside myself to escape the trauma."

I heard his deep intake of air and his heart beating faster with the adrenalin coursing through his body.

"The hospital I was in for four years was a mental hospital and I lived most of that time in a fantasy world which I don't remember much of. I know I thought I was in the Army and maybe that was what made me want to enlist once I was declared mentally fit again. So, that's what you're dealing with – a freakin' lunatic.

"You're one of the sanest people I know, Molly. And strongest."

I listened for his voice to sound judgemental or frightened but heard neither.

"I don't feel very strong now, more like a silly girl for needing your heroic deeds again. Not the first time, what with the zip wire platform and when you came to the rescue in the woods and saved me from drowning."

He loosened his arms around me, but only to make me look at him, turning my chin up cupping my face with one hand.

"Don't forget that you have been there for me too when I needed someone, in the garden, at the cemetery. If we can be there for each other I think we have something really good going on, don't you? I'd like to think none of us have to make it alone anymore. I _need_ you in my life, the more I'm close to you the more I realise it."

"Doesn't it scare you that I've been in a mental hospital?"

"For an external reason you had no influence over and now you are well. Not so different from my PTSD – it made me act out of character too. I can see that now, but at the time it seemed completely logical to me. So, no, it doesn't scare me."

"I thought I was married and then got divorced."

"Fucking glad to hear it, I have been bloody jealous of that dreamt husband of yours."

"Not really?"

"The way you kissed me when you said you thought you were kissing _him_, yes I was jealous that even a dream could make you feel like that."

"_You_ make me feel like that."

I batted my eyelashes and tried to look seductive. Maybe I managed because his lips softly found mine again, warm and tender. I wanted to show him I meant what I said and deepened the kiss, made him feel just how much I wanted _him_ and that I barely could wait out until we were back home where he could take me on that date and hopefully end it in horizontal position.

"We need to stop this now." He was out of breath and smiling.

"I know."

"No more until we get home."

"I think I need to make one of those calendars where you can tick off the days, counting down, like for Christmas."

"Might need that too."

I went back to my seat, and as he started the engine I adjusted my uniform and re-made my regulation bun to ensure my hair was in place but noticed in the mirror that my cheeks were rosy, and my eyes had a certain glow, so it was lucky we still had a long drive ahead of us before we reached the camp.

"So, now, what about Elvis?"

"What about him?"

"You promised you would tell about him and you if I told about myself. I think I have now."

"I agree. My story seems a bit lame now tough, sure you want to hear?"

"Yeah, you're not off the hook", I grinned. "From the outside it seems a bit twisted that you ended up with your best friend's girl after he dumped her on their wedding day, so I think I need to hear it from you."

He started telling me his version of the triangle drama involving him, Elvis and Georgie. I was a bit conflicted because I both wanted to know and not. Thinking of him with someone else made my stomach twist and not in a good way, but of course I had to accept that he had history and I could not deny I was curious.

"It does sound twisted and it was, but okay, by now I don't mind talking about it. There was a time when I was a bit edgy about the whole thing, but now it feels like it's in the past and I'm bloody happy about that. So, if I take it from the start which is actually way back... Georgie and I have always known each other through our parents, but in a quite superficial way. We were never close growing up, she was just there at dinners and parties and I didn't think much about her. Then I met Rebecca when I was at uni. We got along really well though we weren't madly in love and all of a sudden we found ourselves pregnant. It wasn't planned at all, I think both had seen our relationship as a pleasant way passing time and never thought it would last in the long run. Somehow, we both knew we wanted to keep the baby and thought we could be good parents together. We decided to get married to do things 'the proper way'. Mum was always against that because she knew we didn't love each other that way, more like friends. She said, 'Fine that you keep the baby even if you're far too young, but you'll never stay married, so I don't know why you bother in the first place'. Of course, she was right. Our relationship stayed friendly throughout but when I joined the Army and went on tours, she got lonely and in the end fell in love with a guy who suited her much better than I did. We divorced in all friendliness and arranged so things would be as were best for Sam. I was lucky to have the best divorce and ex-wife ever."

I had not heard anything about the ex-wife before, just known that Georgie was not Sam's mum, thank god, so I was all ears. He had a relaxed smile talking of her and did not look the least sentimental. It seemed like despite that they had Sam, the split up between him and Rebecca had been uncomplicated. I liked her already – and her new man.

"So far, so good. I was single for a while and enjoyed it, to have Sam as often as I could but then also time when I was free to do what I wanted, and I wasn't looking for a new serious relationship. Elvis and I were going out quite a bit together, mostly getting pissed and enjoying temporary female company and then I made the mistake to introduce him to Georgie. I should have known she was right up his alley, at least when it came to the superficial stuff, but I was surprised when they started going out for real. I don't know if I ever had pictured Elvis settling down with anyone and least of all her, but whilst I was on tour they got engaged and suddenly I was invited to the wedding and asked to be best man. I was happy for them though a bit sceptic, but I never imagined shit would go down as it did. When he texted me right before the ceremony that he wouldn't show up…."

He shook his head as if still in disbelief.

"When I told her he wouldn't come she was totally devastated, and _I_ felt like a scoundrel. I was only home on permission, but my tour was nearly over and as soon as I came home again I went to see her, to see if there was anything I could do."

"Like become her boyfriend?"

He chuckled, embarrassed.

"I don't know how it happened, really. I had never thought about her like that, but we spent time together, she was sad, we talked and hugged and one day we found ourselves kissing and one thing led to another…"

"Ah, please stop! That's enough."

"Who's jealous now?" he gave me a cheeky grin.

"Yeah, but on someone who actually was your real girlfriend, not a fantasy."

"Believe me, she was everything but a fantasy and I don't mean that in a good sense. I think we were totally wrong for each other from the start. She just wanted a substitute for Elvis and possibly aiming get some revenge on him by getting together with me, I can see that now, but we were never compatible. We didn't have fun because she doesn't have an ounce of humour in her, we couldn't talk about serious stuff and we did not match in any other way. When I struggled with rehab after Belize she just went travelling with her job, returned home once I was getting back on track. I think I knew it was wrong from start but didn't want to be the second guy standing her up, especially as it was my doing she met Elvis. I cowardly hoped she would end it but for some reason she seemed to have her mind set on me. Then you know how it finally ended."

"Honestly, I don't even understand how you put yourself in that situation."

"Nah, in retrospect neither do I, but as Elvis says you only realise after a while how damn manipulative and strong-willed Georgie is and by then you're in so deep that you hardly know how to get out. He told me how he had realised before the wedding and pulled out in panic. Not nice but now I understand him."

"I'll remember that and stay out of her way then."

"Well, her family is friends with mine, so we might have to invite her the day we…" A tinge of red appeared on his cheeks when his words trailed off.

"If we what?"

"Nothing, Dawes. You make me talk too much again. Let's just forget about Georgie"

We continued the drive and all too soon the camp came into sight. I panicked slightly because suddenly there were so many things I needed to say to him, ask him and I knew for sure we would not dare to do anything like this again during this tour. As if he felt the same, his hand sought mine one last time.

"Thanks for today. I needed this", he sounded so serious, almost desperate and I felt the need to take the edge of it not to get all tearful myself just as we reached the camp. .

"The snogging or the talking?"

"All of it, just being with you."

His smile so wide that it seemed to entail every happy thought he ever had in his life, his brown eyes twinkling and scrunching at the corners reflecting that same happiness, and I knew I mirrored him.

"Me too. I love being with you."

That was as close as I got to tell him I loved him, for now. Not yet ready for the big words, not even after today and with that the car pulled to a stop and we were back to normal.

* * *

After Charles and my excursion, roughly one month remained of the tour but after a days' quality time with him I felt more equipped to manage. I buried myself in work, avoided to be close to him or to look at him because I had the idea that the way we felt about each other now would be visible to anyone if we were in each other's personal space or let our eyes lock. I instinctively knew that he thought the same and it was like a little dance we had around one another, but now without anyone getting hurt. We were simply biding our time until the day we got home and would be allowed to go on a date and be as much in each other's personal space as we pleased. I was grateful that my duties at the med centre naturally kept me away from him and that I had so many good friends in the lads and Maisie, the constant banter helped me to pass time.

* * *

Evening scoff and most of the seats in the mess tent were occupied when Charles a bit late joined the rest of us.

"You can have my seat, Boss," Mansfield Mike offered. "I've already finished and need to go and take a shit anyway."

He got to his feet before Charles could object and left the seat in front of me empty. No choice left without seeming strange, he sat down, his knees softly bumping into mine and stayed there as there was nowhere else for his long legs to go. A mild electric current buzzed from my knees through the rest of my body and I stared down in my plate. The food lost its taste, like any other sensations were dulled because my senses were focused on perceiving _him_. The feeling of hard kneecap pressed to mine, the body heat radiating even through the fabric of our combats, the sound of the wooden bench squeaking slightly under his added weight in lean muscles, the smell of his freshly showered body, the sight of his long fingers starting to push around a piece of bread like he was not that hungry after all.

I made the mistake to look up and meet his eyes and we got stuck. None of us smiled, my cheeks burned and then I felt the corners of my mouth tugging upwards and my eyes sparkling at him. I knew I had to break eye contact and instead of looking down at the table again, I let my gaze wander along the others down the table – and met a pair of narrowed watery blue eyes, with disconcertingly tiny pupils, scrutinising me. Oh shit. I was quite certain that my face for a moment had given my true feelings away and that Smurf had seen them.

* * *

**_A/N: In a way I have been thinking it is out of character that Molly would open up to Charles like this, tell him about her past in so many words, but in this story she has always had a feeling of familiarity about him and now that he has let down his guard completely with her and confessed his feelings, I thought it would be nice for them to get even closer. I was also thinking that the fact that they had some precious alone-time and know they will not have it again for a while, would make both want to make the most of it so they can endure the remaining time on tour. I think we can all forgive them for snogging a bit even if it is against Army regulations._**


	24. Chapter 24: Shit is going down

**_A/N: I got an eye infection after posting the previous chapter, so I have been half blind for a few days, but now fit for writing again. (Infection was not that bad but could not wear contacts in that eye and as I stupidly don't own a pair of glasses I had to deal with a sight of -8.0 on one eye, a bit unbalanced. Lucky it was not both eyes because then I would truly have been in trouble, blind as a bat.) Thank you for your lovely reviews and hope all of you had a great Easter holiday._**

* * *

**Chapter 24: Shit is going down**

* * *

"Christ, I want to go home now. I seriously miss some proper food instead of this goat stew shit. Imagine fish and chips." Fingers sighed, a dreamy expression to his face whilst pushing the offensive stew around on his plate.

"Or a tour to Nando's."

"Or Pizza Hut."

"Yeah, and a pint down at the pub while we're at it."

"Make that five!"

All of 2 section, except Kinders were having scoff after yet another day which was much similar to the other six days of this week, which in turn was not all that different from the weeks before. We _were_ making a difference here in Nepal during this disaster relief mission, but after three months the morale of the section was slowly eroding away due to the repetitive tasks, lack of action and increasingly missing home and loved ones. With two weeks to go, the finish line seemed to be in sight and we were starting to allow ourselves to daydream of the things we missed most back home.

The one thing _I_ wanted the most was right here yet tantalising out of reach and I was desperately longing to get access to it – or rather _him_.

"I'm longing for a shower with warm water and some pressure", I threw in to partake in the banter.

"And a proper bed."

"And a shag!" Fingers, of course.

All laughed and there was a pause when everyone pondered who they would like to shag. My toes curled at the thought of _us _entwined, naked between fresh sheets or maybe up against a wall…

"You haven't waited though, Molly, have you?"

His cold voice cut through the banter and everyone's eyes immediately turned to Smurf in bewilderment. It was immediately apparent that he was not joking, and all my alarm bells were ringing.

"What do you mean, Smurf?" Brains asked.

"Molly hasn't waited out like the rest of us have to. I always knew you were a tart, but this..."

"Oi! That's uncalled for!"

I interrupted him, but a hard knot of angst formed in my stomach. Smurf _knew_, and if he persisted I did not know how to deny with complete honesty. Even if the things he more than half insinuated never had happened, _something _had happened.

"What the fuck are you on about?" Fingers interfered, turning to Smurf. He was a blunt and far from a gentleman but when it mattered, Fingers was a top bloke who would stand up for his fellow squaddies.

"Ask Molly. She has something going on with the Bossman." He smiled knowingly, a hard smile that gave me the willies. "Don't deny it, I have seen how you look at him. I'm quite sure you have offered yourself too him on a plate and how do we know you didn't actually fuck him?"

I had not expected such rudeness even from Smurf. I was completely taken aback and could not come up with any cheeky retort to my defence. Everyone stared at him in flabbergasted disbelief. Not only did he attack one of us, one of his own section, but also our highly esteemed CO who was respected and liked by all. It was a serious breach of regulations to talk about his superior officer in such a disrespectful manner and we could not believe he had the audacity to do it. Furthermore, after what Captain James had done for Smurf's brother, one would expect Smurf to be loyal to him no matter what. This display of ingratitude was outrageous and more than one of the guys anxiously looked over the shoulder to check Captain James had not overheard, because then Smurf would for sure be in deepest trouble. He did not seem to be around though.

"Smurf, how the fuck can you say something like that! Apologise to Molly, then shut your bloody gob!" Rab now to the rescue. How I loved 2 section.

But Smurf was in the zone, oblivious to the disapproving looks and nothing in his response indicated he had even registered Rab's words.

"Can you deny it, that you fancy him? That you want to _fuck_ him? A simple squaddie was never enough for you!" he sneered.

I stared into his unsettling eyes. Was_ that_ what it was all about? Did he still hold grudges against me for turning him down? If so, it was probably because his ego had been bruised rather than that he actually liked me. That bloody blind date seemed like it would haunt me forever.

"Molls just say something", Brains chipped in. "We know Smurf has got the wrong end of the stick."

I still could not manage to get the expected words out. I did not want to lie straight to their faces, but if I told them it was true that I was in love with Charles, I feared they would assume the rest of what Smurf said was true too.

Jason, who knew the truth, just smiled encouraging at me.

"Molls, Smurf is wrong, right?" Brains repeated.

I swallowed, then could not stall it any longer.

"He _is_ right about one thing; I'm fond of Captain James. I won't deny that."

I was met by a unison "What?" and a knowing, triumphant look from Smurf.

I splayed my hands out in front of me, as if both to protect myself and show them I had nothing to hide.

"He is _not_ right about the rest. That would never happen on tour and you know it."

I hoped they did at least, and that they trusted me. Sure, we had kissed, but we had not even condidered taking it one step further before we were back home, even if we longed for it.

"You and the Boss?" Brains sounded like he was struggling to grasp what he just heard.

"I only said it's true I fancy him."

I did not want to out him, did not want to reveal that Charles had admitted feelings for me too. It did not feel right without his permission.

"Of course, there's more to it! Why were they alone in that building when it collapsed, huh?" Smurf challenged. "Because you were _shagging_!"

"No!"

"What were you doing there then?"

I fought to find the words. I did not want to tell all of them how Charles and I had argued, then ended up there trapped and confessed our mutual feelings during the many hours in confinement. It did not feel fair to tell Charles' part in it when he was not here because it would put him in a difficult position.

"And when you went on that long drive all by yourselves, do you want me to believe you didn't have some sexy time in the backseat? A private fucking the Officer in Command! I think you owe us some answers, Dawes."

Even for Smurf this was crossing so many lines, but he was in a tantrum and showed no signs of pulling the breaks to this inappropriate behaviour. I was starting to fear that even if I denied it, all the others would think there was more than a seed of truth to what he accused me and Charles of.

"I think that's quite enough, Smurf."

A voice smattered like a whip-lash through the air, low but sharp and unmistakably threatening and it made my hairs stand on end even if I knew I had nothing to fear.

We turned and appeared out of thin air Charles was standing right behind us, somehow taller than ever, arms crossed over his chest, with grim face and black eyes, in every sense the terrifying man I had faced the first day of basic training. I was terribly happy he was on my team now.

"Would you care to enlighten me exactly what it is you have put private Dawes on trial for, Smurf? On your own initiative I take it?" he spat.

"It is against Army regulations for an Officer to have a relationship with someone in his Chain of Command."

"You don't need to teach me the Army regulations, I know them to the point. What's the problem?"

There was a tick in his clenched jaw and his eyes were hard as flintstone. I thought that Smurf would do wise to mind his words very carefully unless he had a death wish, but again he did not seem to pick up the vibes.

"I have seen the way Molly is looking at you, Sir. It's obvious that she fancies you and..."

He hesitated for the first time, maybe there was some shame in him after all.

"Spit it out, Smurf!"

"Molly admitted she has feelings for you and seeing since she's the girl she is, I'm sure she has made it clear she is willing to let you shag her. The question is if you..."

"Enough! Shut up, Smurf!" Charles interrupted, still not shouting but his voice filled with barely contained wrath.

He stared down at Smurf, let his dark eyes bore into him until Smurf looked down. It only took seconds because Smurf was too weak to stand more, but it felt like time was standing still.

"I'm just saying, Boss..."

"You have said more than enough private Smith and I don't want to hear another word from you right now."

Normally, Charles was good at hiding feelings when he chose to but in this moment disgust was written all over his face.

"You don't get to slander your fellow section members like you just did. To my knowledge Dawes has done nothing to justify you drawing any conclusions on her being easy, not that you would have the right to an opinion anyway. Funnily enough, I have the impression that if anyone in this section prides himself of being promiscuous, that would be _you_ because I have been unable to avoid hearing you bragging about your alleged conquests on several occasions. Furthermore, talking like that about your commander is insubordinate to the degree that it will set you up for far worse than the usual charges."

Smurf opened his mouth as if to say something but Charles, swiftly unfolded his crossed arms and stopped him, simply by holding his hand up and he closed his mouth again, looking like a stupid fish gasping for air.

"To be clear, I don't have to answer to you, Smurf, but I will for the benefit of Dawes and the rest of the section."

I thought this was the moment when he would deny that anything was going on between us, that he had any feelings for me what so ever beyond what he had for any of the men in his charge. To my utter surprise he moved closer to me and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. A safe heat radiated from his palm through my uniform shirt.

"Dawes and I have not _shagged_, as you so tactlessly put it. That is not the soldier she is and not the commander I am. We would never bend the regulations like that. All of you ought to know us well enough to know that and not even for a second believe the shit Smurf claims."

He let his gaze wander around the table and drill into each and every one of them. A few of them looked embarrassed, indicating that maybe they had believed Smurf to some extent.

"That said, I'm aware that Dawes has feelings for me. More importantly, I'm in love with her."

I heard sharp intakes of air, saw eyes widen and jaws drop, maybe including my own because I never expected him to say that. Not admit it to their faces, here, now – or maybe ever, despite what he had said when it was just the two of us. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would escape my chest; in shock of the revelation, in fear of their reactions, but most of unbridled joy for him saying out loud he was in love with me.

"I realise it may come as a shock to you but we're only human and it's not the first time in history people fall in love on tour. Sometimes it just happens. The important thing is not to cross lines in one's actions, jeopardize the mission at hand or risk lives. I think we have managed to maintain that balance, not crossed that line, as I told my commander, Major Beck, when I informed him of the situation."

His eyes were impaling Smurf who squirmed in his seat.

"Yes, Smurf. I'm sorry to disappoint you but nothing has been going on which I have been ashamed of or withheld from _my_ commander. When I informed him, his conclusion was that due to the low risk nature of this mission and as we refrained from acting on our feelings, there was no need to send neither Dawes or me home. Needless to say, we will not serve together again after this, but we will for the remainder of this tour. We are professionals and can handle it. That is more than I can say of you Smurf, who slanders both one of your section and your CO. If you had concerns about mine or Dawes' professionalism, you should have come to me or reported to Kinders, not accused one of your section members of sleeping around in front of the others. That is totally unacceptable!"

Smurf looked increasingly deflated as Charles spoke and somehow offended, as if he was the one who was unfairly attacked here. The rest of 2 section, with the exception of Jason, looked like they found it hard to grasp what played out in front of them. Jason just looked thoroughly amused. Me, I was digesting that Charles had informed Major Beck about us and asked his advice how to handle this. Shit. It must mean he was fairly sure about us, another sign he did not consider this a passing fancy or mistake. I knew_ I_ was 100% sure about us, but I had thought maybe he would wait until after the first date at least, before putting his career at stake. And he had not hesitated at all to tell 2 section when Smurf cornered me, not for a second left me to deal with it alone but instead shown both them and me we were in this as a team. Never had I been more in love with him and never had he been hotter than when furiously defending me and _us_. If he had not just informed the section that nothing like it would happen on tour, I would have jumped him.

He let go of my shoulder after squeezing it softly. I already missed the touch.

"But, Sir…" Smurf was not wise enough to zip it.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! Did I not make myself clear? My tent. Now. Just go find Kinders and have him join us because I want him to witness this conversation."

Smurf nodded reluctantly, looking shell-shocked and he was not the only one who had jumped in his seat when Charles finally was pushed to shout at him.

"I didn't hear you, private."

Oh, in this moment I loved that he was pulling rank. I stared down into the table, so no one would see my cheeks flush with the inappropriate wave of desire going through me. He was so shitting hot, my _boyfriend_. Now officially.

"Yes, Sir." Smurf said meekly and got up to look for Kinders, who had missed the whole drama.

Charles turned his attention back to the others, his expression now slightly lighter but still very much in commander mode.

"If anyone else has any further questions related to this, I'm willing to answer them because I don't want any of you to think that Dawes and I have anything to hide. Naturally, we will go on as we have done so far during this mission, so you don't need to worry you'll have to witness any inappropriate displays of affection. I'm well aware this is an unusual situation, but I dare say we can handle it, especially as only two weeks remain."

I could hardly contain a smirk. Sometimes he really could sound like the stuck-up twat I first had taken him for. Now that I knew there was so much more to him, I kind of appreciated this side. Luckily, he turned on his heels without saying anything further that might have provoked me to let out a little snort. The last thing needed in this moment was for me to do anything stupid that would undermine his words that we could be professional, for example giggle like a school girl at anything he said.

Once again I would have loved to be a fly on Charles' tent canvas. I would so have enjoyed to hear the bollocking Smurf undoubtedly was in for. I saw on the faces of the others that they felt the same and thought he deserved it. I realised that if I had not been there when Smurf slagged me, or if Charles had not come to my rescue, they would all have had my back. They were truly my mates.

There was an awkward silence after Charles left us and I knew I ought to be the one to break it.

"Thanks guys for not believing the worst. I've had a crush on him for a long time… Knew I shouldn't but it just happened. Didn't think I stood a chance, obviously. He only told me he had feelings for me too when we were trapped after the aftershock and weren't sure if we would get out." I shrugged my shoulders apologetically. "You get prone to confessing stuff when you don't know if you'll live, you know. Since then we've just done our best to wait out until we got home. Worked out quite well until today."

Brains came over and gave me a hug.

"Well done, you. I don't know how I would have managed in the same situation."

The others nodded in agreement and then the banter resumed, asking questions what we would do on our first date and making inventive and cheeky suggestions, asked if I only fancied him because of the uniform and if I would continue to call him Bossman and Sir - especially in bed. I did not mind their comments even if I was slightly embarrassed, because unlike with Smurf I knew all of them just wished me well and that the jokes were their way of handling a slightly awkward situation.

"There's only one thing with this that makes me sad and it is that I won't be going on any more tours with you guys", I told them.

However, I knew this would only have been temporary anyway. Few other missions would motivate more than one medic in the section and they already had Brains. Also, if my choice stood between 2 section and Charles, it was easy.

A while later in our tent, Maisie followed up with a bit of girls' talk.

"I can't get my head around it; you and Captain James! It's so romantic. When did you realise you had fallen in love with him?"

"During basic training. It was a bit of a shock coming here and realise he was the Captain. Not that I think I would have turned down the offer to come if I had known, I wouldn't have wanted to miss this for anything in the world – and then I mean the whole experience with you guys."

"I'm super glad you came. I don't think this tour would have been anywhere near as good without you and Ruby." She hesitated briefly, then continued. "I know what it's like to fancy someone in your section." She smiled coyly.

"Oh, let me guess… Rab?"

"How did you know?"

"Come on, it's bloody obvious there's chemistry between the two of you. You should go on a date back home."

"I don't know. We're so different. Different backgrounds, different personalities. Maybe it will be shit and then everything would be strange, and we would not be mates like we are now anymore. I would miss that."

"Opposites attract, remember. It's not like me and Captain James are similar either. There's always a risk, but if you don't dare to take it you might miss something great."

"Would you have taken the risk if Captain James hadn't told you first?"

"Nah, don't think so, what with the rank and him being so gorgeous", I laughed for being such a hypocrite giving advice I would not follow myself.

"So, you don't think Rab is gorgeous?" Maisie giggled.

"Yeah, but not out of your league at all."

I never would have thought it, but it was a big relief that 2 section now knew and in addition to that and a total surprise, Charles' superior officer knew too. Today had really been the most unexpected turn of events.

When I moments later crossed the camp to go wash myself before crashing into bed, or rather sleeping mat, Charles came out of his tent. I was unsure how to act, maybe he would want us to stay as distant as we possibly could for the remainder of the tour. Instead he gave me a sign to stop and came standing in font of me, a foot away and with his hands shoved in his pockets but in plain sight for everyone.

"Don't want anyone thinking we have anything to hide", he smiled. "Are you alright, Dawesy?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I smiled in return.

"Because of what Smurf said about you, us. Because it's out now. Everyone knows."

His eyes flicked over my face, concerned and appraising.

"If it had been one of the others saying those things I would have been disappointed, but I already knew Smurf was a dickhead so no surprise there. The others were great about it after you had left, so it actually feels good that they know and… thank you."

He looked a mix of relieved they had not given me a hard time and quizzical.

"For what?"

"For being there for me. I realise it isn't the ideal situation for you to find yourself in as our commander and I'm sorry I put you through that."

"Molly…" His body instinctively started a move forward to close the gap between us, then realised he should not and stopped before he actually moved.

"Okay, so I can't scoop you up and hug you now like I would like to, but can you please imagine that I do, and that I hold your face between my hands and kiss you?"

"I think I can manage that", I smiled and could almost feel his soft lips on mine.

"I wanted to say; you didn't put me in this situation. I did, when I fell for you. Not in a million years would I let you take the blame for us falling in love or have anyone accuse of things that aren't true. Even if we have blurred the lines a bit on this tour, we have not done anything seriously offensive, even Major Beck agrees to that."

"You told him about us."

"I felt obliged to. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind the least! It made me bloody happy you were prepared to tell him already. I thought you may wish to wait until we had dated a while."

"Molls, I told you, I have known for a long what I want, I just thought I couldn't have it, have you. I don't want anything to come in between us now, so I really wanted to do things in the right order, like letting my CO know ASAP. It was lucky, because Smurf had nothing to come up with against us. I would like to strangle that little shit! Don't tell anyone I said that, he will be dealt with through the appropriate channels going from here."

He raked his fingers through his curls and bit his bottom lip. I wished I could do it for him.

"You know what I'd like to do now, but I just say good night. We shouldn't talk longer for now, not to push things. We need to behave like a good officer and private for the remaining two weeks." He gave me another of his lovely smiles and his eyes were dancing with amusement and something more, telling me he wished he was not the good officer he truly was to his core. Telling me that he wished that he had had it in him to sod the Army regulations and pull me into his arms then and there. I loved him for being that honourable man, but nevertheless I could not resist teasing him.

"Okay, good night." I started turning. "But just so you know, Boss, I will go back to my tent and then I think I will imagine you doing a whole lot more than just kissing me."

I turned around and left, with the lovely picture of a blushing Captain James on my retina, but he did not let me have the last word as he shouted after me, amusement now transferred to his voice.

"Dawes, you should. You can see it as an order. I will do the same."


End file.
